Ladies, I am at my wit's end. We have our youngest son still gimping around at a private school and he will be a 5th yr. senior when he DOES go back (for art, not to discount his aspirations he has talent), and an oldest son still living at home and managing as best he can, working and trying to go to cc since his earlier attempt at a 4yr were for naught. We try our best to cover the gaps, but lordy, when does it end? The youngest lives away at the school site, we finally just told him the school loans were enough and he has to earn his whole nut so to speak, and I know it is hard for him but he rarely calls us unless it is a troublesome aspect.And he always gets to the bottom line with us. Give him props for coping in that manner. We had given him funds and a full rein to support his quest of a degree in art,believing in his gifted talent (what parent doesn't think that about an artsy kid, heck I am artsy too and have a lot of longings and baggage there) - but now he still hasn't graduated and is waiting until next quarter to go back, working and trying to save his $ to cover his supplies (we would do the tuition). Meanwhile, the eldest is still at home working what he feels a dead end job (although I can see opportunity there, it's just not where he wants to be,which is totally out of there) and having to take classes to catch up or maintain, but he is adamant about attaining his education in whatever manner is available for him (on his dime now, 2 yrs. at a state school were all we could handle)I am proud he is trying but he feels so defeated, would just like to chuck it all sometimes. But NOW I am feeling like I have failed them both, not made them strong enough men since I had to get them to adulthood semialone, their father always worked away and God bless him he always provided but was never there for these issues until they are like a pimple ready to pop. I want them to be the men I know they are, but I still want to help when we can, but I don't want to enable a dependencybut I know that is my downfall. Always want to make everything better, and make the bad things subside. I know I am wrong and I am making someheadway on this, telling them "I can't help and what are you going to do about it" putting the power in their court. Give me your feed on this, ladies - I am at my wit's end. Not to mention my husband feeling the pressure of adult kids still on the family payroll, and me for him too. We had a bit of a different aspect in mind for this time in life. Don't get me wrong, we are ready to help but they need to get their ducks in a row, so to speak. Let me know what your take is on this, it keeps me awake at night (as if the hot flashes and insomnia weren't enough!! Thanks

I feel your pain Judym
I've got a grown son still home also and a husband that is getting tired of doing all the supporting. (Well, most anyway)
Things are so expensive now that it's hard for them. (both) Son got a raise recently that was all but eatten up by the increase of gas prices.
He says he wants to be on his own and I suggested he take a second job but so far he hasn't done that.
Sorry I can't help.

TVC15, I know what you are dealing with.In the broad scope of things, it is small potatoes trying to cope with the problems they foist on us - thank goodness we can help when we can. My divining point is my hubby and I married rather young, and we have always made our own path, with some help but not so much. We have always tried to give the sons the "betterment" aspect, trying to give the next gen what they need to succeed, but I think it is a trap somewhat to feel that way. Actually, the oldest had two jobs, and still couldn't make his nut to get out from under. The worst part is, my husband works away from home, usually on 18 month stints, and since the kids are "grown" he has been adamant about me being with him, and I have tried to do that. I go with him to his assignments and make a life such as it is for us. It isn't pretty but boy it is interesting! If I were home, I would just be doing the Mom thing and taking care of what I view as our base, our major thing, our home and allowing our eldest to get from under. I know it is just sticks and bricks, but we have always been on the move and I have done my doggonest to keep a Home Base, it is important to me, though not to them I fear. I leave it up to our eldest to take care of that and he has too much on his plate with work and school and that house. He lives there free with that rejoinder, but it is binding us up to no end. Always something to rack the budget and brains. The youngest, the one at college still putting along, is actually working as many jobs as he can to make his nut, and understanding and seeking a roomie to make his rent less, and selling his car - he is doing painful things but he will benefit from it by being stronger. BUT - he has had a change of heart about his vocation, and I truly doubt if he will finish his degree. We have put it to him to handle his rent, food and whatever, and we will pay the tuition but nothing else. I feel like we have crippled him, but he is coping and he will gain strength from it. The eldest wishes fervently that he could be shed of the responsibility of taking care of our home. Maybe we should just sell the doggone thing but I need to know we have Someplace To Call Home. Sorry to run on so. It is sort of like Military life without the perks, all the moving around and adjusting. But, we aren't getting any younger and it gets more difficult all the time. Sorry to vent so much, I am just covered over with everything!

Judy
Wow!! Interesting life-I'm a stay in one place person as long as that place has my husband but if it came to your situation I'd go too. I think maybe-you need to reasses what home is. Is it a place just full of stuff or is it a vital refuge. If it's just things, maybe it would be easier to let it go and realize home is in your coupleness{is that a word}
You've done for your sons- I know I've done for mine- it's time to let them grow up. It's sooooo hard- we don't want them to struggle or do without but you know my husband said it best - if we weren't there tomorrow and once they ran thru their insurance settlements where would they be if they always had us to hand them everything and bail them out
It's hard,no matter how old they are they are our babies but we aren't doing them a favor for forever

Well in my estimation it is necessary to;
CUT THE CORD and let them exist on their own. Sure it isn't easy, it never is and never will be. They will never be the men you want them to be so long as you allow them to stay little boys attached to their mommy...

Easier said than done soemtimes. It is hard raising sons, especially if dad isn't around physically or emotionally (my problem). I want mine to be hard working, yet not uptight,sensitive, yet not wimpy. I want them to always think outwardly yet be introspective. What I wish more than anything, though, is that they would seek God and His will. So far, none of my sons has a relationship with the Lord, which is painful for me. But they don't have a godly man to look up to. My husband goes to church but they see that God is not His Lord and Master, as He is mine...sigh.

Wow,
Judym we might have been twins. I also got married very young and because of this my husband always says "when we were his age we did everything for ourselves." And he's right. But then I say "Times have changed." He replies with an expletive, but you get the point.

Anyway, I know Chatty is right but is there a way to cut the cord gradually or do you have to severe it all at once?

No TVC, you needn't cut it all at once. A slow steady snipping, a piece at a time is all it takes. Start with little things you now do for them and transfer the responsibility to them. Sooner or later they will be doing everything themselves and feeling good about it too. Then the real test will be their getting out into the big cruel world (lol) and fending for themselves.