Thanks for all your responses. I feel blessed that I can count on your wonderful feedback.
I think having it at his place may work. Don't know what he'd think of that. He lives in a one room flat and I'm not sure if he has a stove or not although I could bring the turkey over.
Also a good point about the homeless shelters. My son actually has some experience with that. He lived on the street quite a few times when I made him leave my home for acting out, breaking things screaming at me etc. Because he has been on probation for years when I call the police they come right away and remove him. I have had to call the police many times and hate doing it but he can get really scary when he's high.
We could do the restaurant thing for my parents earlier in the day and then meet up with my son later. Maybe my Mom would behave although she would probably complain about the food. Her negativity is so draining.
I get along great with my ex's mom and have kept a good relationship going with her for my kids. She has a rec room in her condo and that may be an idea too. I had my parents 50th Anniversary there. This may work and there is a kitchen. Including my ex in-laws at dinner would work out well as my mom might behave better with other people around. Chatty so sorry to hear about your son. It's heartbreaking. I hope one day things will change for you and him. Miracles do happen they sometimes just take time.
Some great ideas, I will let you know how it goes. I am going to call my mother-inlaw tonight.
Kate

On another note. I have been involved with a group of parents who share similar situations to mine. Acting out teens in trouble with the law, drugs, violence etc.
I joined this group just before my son turned 18.
He dropped out of school in grade 10, started doing crack cocaine, crime etc.
He spent most of his teen years in juvenile detention. It was this group that helped me strategize around how to get him out of the house.
I gave him three months before his 18th to either get a job, go back to school or move out on his 18th birthday. He just laughed at me and told me he was not going to do anything that I said. He had people over while I was at work drinking and doing drugs, he broke almost every window in my house when I would lock him out. Pawned my jewelry, TV, computer etc. I had to charge him to get the process started so I could get police assistance. Usually they would just pick him up but then drop them off downtown and he would come right back banging on the door night and day. Now they will hold onto him for a few days to give me some peace. It took years to get to this point. I never could have done it without the wisdom of these parents who had been there.
The best part about it is you are never judged in this group, just supported. Other parents with "good kids" just don't understand.
I have two great other kids, involved in sports, music, dance etc. Neither of them have ever been in trouble and are responsible, kind, and don't talk back. It's amazing but I think my son set an example for them of what not to be like. Sad for him but has been good for them. It is because of them that I had to get him out. My eldest was damaged by his raving alcoholic father, I didn't want my other two damaged by their raging older brother.
One day he will get it, but if he doesn't I'm ok with that. I used to get so hopeful and then have my hopes dashed. I am more realistic now. What the group helped me with most was to take care of myself and to realize that I can only change me. Only my son can change himself, I have no control over him. It took me a while to really let go .....I still worry and like to keep in touch with him but have really stepped back. Thanks for listening. If anyone is having trouble with an acting out teen and wants to email me please do, I have been there, done that and have the "T" shirt, and although I am no expert I can offer my support.
Kate

You don't think your mom will tell him where you live, do you? Does she understand the problems involved with that?

You poor thing. My heart just aches for you so much.

Oh yes, my mother realizes all that I have gone through and won't tell him where I live. Although she is negative and can be a real pain she is good in other ways, (but unfortunatly doesn't have a supportive bone in her body) while I was going through all this with my son she would tell me what I was doing wrong all the time. She had no idea. Although in her own way she is proud of me. Her other problem is she lets go of nothing. She still hates my ex and brings him up all the time in converstation...remember when he did this etc. I have been divorced for 10 years now. I have forgiven him so I can heal and moved on but she does not know how to do this. I worry that she will have a stroke as there is no more room in her head to fit any more baggage. It's sad really but I can't control or change her either and it took me a long time to realize that as well. I hope one day soon (she is almost 80) that she sets herself free and learns how to forgive and forget.
Kate

My mom will turn 80 soon and she's exactly the same way. Just a few weeks ago she was trying to get me to tell her things my ex had said about her and my dad. My son is getting married soon and I think she wanted/needed fuel to start something while there. I wouldn't give her any answers and told her I'd moved on, it wasn't important. She hasn't called me since then. It is so draining.

You know it would be nice to be able to divorces one parents when necessary wouldn't it? Not referring to my mom, shes a peach, opinionated but very fair always.....

Good golly miss Molly, can you believe we are already discussing Christmas??? And its a mere three months away....Get out the still Granny theres moonshine to be made...!

[ September 16, 2005, 08:47 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I'm afraid I always think ahead. I usually buy Christmas presents in August....can you believe it. Now that my kids are older I stopped doing this. I would put things on layaway hoping to pay them off before Christmas, now I use visa :-)
Yes, mothers/parents...it would be nice if we could divorce them but it's impossible...their family...warts and all.
Kate