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#4678 - 09/15/05 11:48 AM Christmas dilemma
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I'm trying to figure out a solution to a problem and thought I would bring it up here as the advice is so good :-)

In another post I described my situation as a single parent with three children, my eldest son was until a month ago addicted to crack cocaine and has been for the past 5 years. It's a very long story but I won't go into too much detail now. After treatment at three different centres he is finally getting it together but is very vulnerable to going back to his old lifestyle and to be honest I have no idea if he is still using or not. He also abuses alcohol and pot. Here is the problem, I have had to move a few times as he keeps coming to my home after being evicted for not paying his rent. He spends his money on partying and expects me to always be there for him when things don't work out. (I had to kick him out when he was 18 due to violent behaviour, drug use, not going to school or work etc. he would basically try to control me and his siblings and had the house in constant chaos) Through counselling and advice from the police I was told to move again and not let him know where I live. Last year at Christmas time I let down my guard and had him for supper. He was camped out on my deck in a sleeping bag, freezing drugged out and knocking on the door non-stop begging to come in. He managed to manipulate his way back in the house (I couldn't refuse him Christmas dinner) and I had to work hard to get him help (counselling) and try to find him alternative housing once again. Believe me and this is a whole other post, there is little if any help out there for drug addicts who don't want help. I have been through hell these past few years trying to get help for him. In my town as in many others there are limited options. Also until they accept help there is none. As a parent it's tough love or putting up with a crazy person in your house 24/7. Many have suggested to not let him in but he can knock non stop for hours on end driving us and the neighborhood crazy. He has also broken in many times so it's tough to keep him out if he wants in. I recently moved again August 1st and found my son another apartment. At the moment although I see him on a regular basis, he does not know where I live and I will have to keep it that way until he makes some major changes.
Well Christmas is coming soon. My son is doing just ok on his own although in and out of jobs as his lifestyle gets him fired on a regular basis. I believe in time he will get it. The problem is I don't want to make the same mistake and have him at my home at Christmas this year or the cycle will start all over again. I love him dearly and would love to have him home but do have to keep boundaries for myself and especially my other two other children who are just 12 and 13. He can be very volatile and abusive when living at home. When he lives on his own he is respectful. I see him every week at his place and help him out with groceries etc. on a limited basis as I am trying to push him towards independence but I don't want him to starve. If he knew where I lived he would spend his money on drugs or alcohol get evicted and show up on my doorstep. He would threaten suicide ( has done it before) whatever it took for me to break down and let him in.
My mother suggested having Christmas at her house this year. Since I have been divorced and my parents have gotten older I have had it at my place. This year my mom suggested having it at her house so that my eldest son can be with all of us. A nice gesture but..... she is a stress case, plays the martyr role. She will make the dinner but will complain about how much work she has done, will snap at my kids and yell at my dad. He is in a wheel chair and she says is always under her feet. She offers but resents it. Every Christmas as long as I can remember was unhappy as my parents pick this time of the year to have their worst fights. I got what I asked for usually present wise as a child but did not have a Christmas without major stress from an early age. How my parents are still together I don't know. They are codependent and their relationship is very dysfunctional. Anyway, I am trying to find an alternative solution. I don't want my kids to go through the stress of Christmas at my parents (they hate going there because my mother constantly nit picks at my dad and they find it very upsetting) Every year she complains about what he gets from my dad in front of everyone and goes on and on about it basically ruining our Christmas.
I want my kids to have a nice Christmas this year without all the stress. If we go to my parents we will get to have Christmas all together, but there will be a price to pay. I want to see my son but can't have him at my place this year because of reasons already explained. If we don't have Christmas and include my parents my mother will never speak to me again. Any suggestions on how to have a nice Christmas dinner without going to my parents and not having it at my place. I have thought about a restaurant but that could be quite expensive. I'm stumped. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
thanks,
Kate

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#4679 - 09/15/05 06:03 PM Re: Christmas dilemma
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Kate,
What a thorny predicament for you to be in! A lose-lose situation all the way around, isn't it! And Christmas is such a stressful time anyway, you don't need all this extra emotional blackmail going on as well.

There's so much wisdom in this group, and I'm sure others will respond with suggestions. I have one thought, although it might not be all that satisfactory to everyone involved.

You could enjoy a nice joyful Christmas morning with your two youngest children. Then what about going to a homeless shelter and SERVING Christmas dinner altogether to the homeless people. You can include your son (if the shelter will allow him in)...and I don't know if your Dad can be accomodated in his wheelchair, so your Mother probably won't be so keen on the idea, but maybe SHE can then have your oldest son over for Christmas dinner at her place while you're helping at the shelter.

I know lots of families that started doing that to avoid the sort of impossible situations and stress you're talking about, and loved it so much that they can't imagine spending Christmas any other way now.

It would be one way to avoid and alleviate the problem for at least this year.

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#4680 - 09/15/05 06:39 PM Re: Christmas dilemma
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Eagle, great idea. Plus it might be a good idea for kate's son to see the shelter.

Another thought might be to have dinner at a restaurant and the expense could be part of your parent's Christmas gift. Do you think they would go for that?

Kate, I congratulate you for setting boundaries. You are one strong woman. Give yourself a huge hug honey.

I have a few friends who have dealt, or are dealing with addicted adult children and I don't know how they do it. All I can do is listen and pray for everyone involved. Tough love is the only way to go, but it is much easier said than done.

I pray your son admits his addiction and gets the help he needs. Do you have methadone clinics where you live. Have you ever considered that?

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#4681 - 09/16/05 07:17 AM Re: Christmas dilemma
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Kate, I think Eagle's idea is a grand one!

I was wondering if you are involved in any sort of support group of people with recovering family members. I sense that you are feeling guilty for not wanting your son to know where you live, but at the same time, wanting to protect yourself and your 2 younger children. I have a feeling you may be too busy to attend meetings, but there are some great books that will help you strengthen your resolve. One that has helped me is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. I believe there are also some other books in the Boundaries series such as B with Children, in Marriage, and Dating.

Your son, in his illness, wants you to make his life easier by giving him priveliges he has not earned, but I'm sure you realize that would not be in his best interest. Some have to lose everything before they become drug or alcohol-free.

Kate, I pray you will have the strength and courage to do what is best for your family.

Daisygirl

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#4682 - 09/15/05 08:14 PM Re: Christmas dilemma
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
It's so sad that your mother is adding to your problem.

From the first part of your message, it shows he declines when you let him back in so maybe the only resolve is to never allow him back until he's been clean for about six months.

I had to kick my son out when he was doing drugs and that was what finally got his attention. It really hurt me to do it too.

I think the other ladies have given you wise advice. I wish you peace with this.

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#4683 - 09/15/05 10:50 PM Re: Christmas dilemma
Danita Offline
Member

Registered: 01/24/05
Posts: 1550
Loc: Colorado
Kate,

The other thought I had is sometimes local churches or senior centers have holiday meals open to the public for a small fee. It would be a way to get the family together in a low stress, low cost environment!

Hang in there, keep taking care of yourself and the children you have at home.

great big hugs,
danita

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#4684 - 09/16/05 01:09 AM Re: Christmas dilemma
Dahti Blanchard Offline
Member

Registered: 03/18/05
Posts: 93
Loc: Washington state
Kate,
I'm sorry for your stress. What an amazing mother you are though for doing so much--knowing you need to take care of your younger children and keeping your son from finding out where you live and yet spending time with him each week.
The suggestions already given are great. I have one other that might not be an option but it popped into my head. Does your son live on his own? What about having Christmas dinner at his place? I realize it's work for you, but at this point it seems like no matter what you do it will be. Everyone could be invited and maybe he would get into the excitement and responsibility of it. Just a thought.
Sending good energy your way.
Dahti

Dream of the Circle of Women
by Dahti Blanchard
published May 2004 by Spilled Candy Books
visit: www.dahtiblanchard.com

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#4685 - 09/16/05 02:57 AM Re: Christmas dilemma
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Wow, Dahti, I never thought of that one...what a fabulous idea! At first he might think he's not up to it, but who knows what could happen if he knows it's going to happen at his place. It could be a fiasco, but it could also be a miracle.

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#4686 - 09/16/05 04:35 AM Re: Christmas dilemma
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
If you all exchange gifts at Christmas maybe you could all put so much together monitarily and go somewhere where they serve a nice buffet. This way the cost is not a problem for any one person and everyone gets all of what they like to eat. Call ahead and ask for a table large enough to accomodate everyone. Also you could take a nice Christmas decoration for the table. Just make sure when everyone hugs good-bye your son doesn't follow you to find out your location. My youngest son has been gone from me and the family for 12 years now, no word at all. I know hes in Vegas somewhere but don't know where. This situation due to a coccaine addiction. I get misty every now and then, then remember the hell he caused when high and stop missing him. I refuse to be intimidated by my love for the son he once was....

[ September 15, 2005, 09:37 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

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#4687 - 09/16/05 06:03 PM Re: Christmas dilemma
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
chatty, my heart still breaks over the love and loss of contact for you and your son. Just know that.

Dahti, what a fantastic idea. It might be good to give him some responsibility. He may truly rise to the occasion. Wouldn't it build his confidence to host such a think. Even if you eat on paper plates and take all the food. I love it!

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