This may actually pertain to mental health but that is one of those chicken or the egg debates.
Anyway, while fuming yesterday about superwoman syndrone and being taken advantage of by everyone in my life, and the fact that I've walked through my laundry room for three days and no one has changed the dead lightbulb yet, and a sink full of dirty dishes six inches from the dishwasher and beagle poop on the floor.....run on sentence?
You get the picture...I received this month's prevention magazine. There was an article that caught my attention because w/in the text was one of those big highlighted extractions that said something like "why doesn't anyone ever notice that the dishwasher is full?" So the point of all of this is that the author read a study done at Univ. of Md. about a concept called "tending".
When stressed, women "tend", nurture, comfort, snuggle, enable because supposedly it releases a hormone called oxcytonin which gives a sense of relaxation. The danger is that we "over-tend" when we overstress then we burn out. There is a fine line between comfort and co-dependency and enabling apparently, duh! I think we all know where the line is and do an Irish jig back and forth across it regularly. (see "multi tasking").

I see much of myself in this article's descriptions of behavior. Yes I am a wonderful, loving parent, friend, spouse. I love to give aide and comfort....but I have surrendered my "self" for quite some time now and am beyond burned out. I know I need to take a long break from "tending", I know there are probably ways to improve the burn out, like a serious ass whipping, shout down with some lazy children in my house. But that just makes me feel ugly and guilty and then I take back all of the tasks that I just assigned to them. I'm rambling, I know.

I suggest you go to the prevention web site or grab the magazine and check out this article.

Kathryn, BINGO...you hit the nail on the head for a woman who works from home in the summer with all the kids home.

Smilinize mentioned something similar to this syndrome in another post not too long ago.

"Why am I the only one who...?" sound familiar? Fill in the ________.

sees the dishes, laundry, dirt, magazines, dvd's, wrappers, cups, shoes, flip-flops, books, skateboards, tennis rackets, basketball, newspaper....

Here's what I've been trying this summer when I have the right frame of mind. I hope it works for you. I feel like I'm getting somewhere.

I've very nicely(prayer group has focused on the fruits of the spirit and it's helped me TREMENDOUSLY. So far we've done, love, peace, joy and patience! We practice one a week)asked the kids to do very specific chores throughout the day. NICELY is the key word. It's working some/most of the time.

I've discovered when I have an attitude, so do they.

It always goes back to dear old MOM. If we ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I can't stand the fact that I'm pointing the finger at us, but I've found it to be true.

Don't shoot me. If you think I'm raggin' on you, please know I'm raggin' on myself too!

I get Prevention so I can't wait to read the article.

[ August 05, 2004, 11:21 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Oh dots, you aren't raggin' when you're speaking the truth. We have created these monsters! That is on of the main points of the article! I'm going to try today to speak w/ the boys about their responsibilities. I will do it nicely, I promise. But I've already decided that the next time I find a glass, cup, plate in the sink or on the table it's going in a box. Every time I find an article of their clothing, their phone, their keys, their shoes, I'm hiding it somewhere. And they are going to have to start drying off w/ toilet paper if I find one more wet towel on the bathroom floor. I'll start w/ nice, then I'm going postal!

Kathryn,

Thank you so much for bringing this subject up. Everything you've said is so true! We women do such fantastic things everyday but we don't take enough time for ourselves! We've got to start doing this if we want our species to survive!

Will check out the article; sounds very interesting!

My sons pull their weight in the house even if they do grumble about it. I think think is partly due to the fact that their father always has shared the domestic load - his example is there before them. I am very grateful to my mother-in-law for training him in this way - she always worked outside the home and needed help, too.

Kathryn I trained my sons at a very early age to cook, clean and shop. They grumbled somewhat from time to time but srtill did the taks I appointed. Both of my daughter-in-laws remark to all their friends, how wonderful their husbands are because they can and do whatever is necessary to help out. I read a sentence above that said you felt guilty or crabby so took back the tasks you had given them. Sounds to me like the problem starts with you....NO child or man will just see something that needs to be done and do it. They need to be trained by us. I like the idea of their things vanishing, been there done that and it works BUT you need to say it, do it and mean it or else forget it and be everyones slave....Also for everyone read the book: MEDITATIONS FOR WOMEN WHO DO TOO MUCH by Anne Wilson Schaef.....you'll be so glad you did.

Ladies, I did go home and gently speak to the boys who looked shamefaced. Then I ran to pick up my daughter. When I got home the dishwasher was empty and the sink and counters cleaned. We'll see how long this lasts. But a good point was made....I did create these monsters. I did not require them to do chores on a regular basis.
I am the enabler, no doubt about it. I am working on it! And yes, I have the book and have read it over and over. I'm hard headed and some things bear repeating and re-reading. I love you guys!!!!

Sometimes children don't help out because they don't know where to start. Like you said, they don't "see" what is wrong w/the picture. Training early is a great way to start them on the right track. Remember that they need to learn "how" as much as they need to learn "what". Many an argument has started in our house with "Why should I do it, you're just gonna do it over anyway" . . . We need to teach them how to do it right the first time.

As for not tending to ourselves. . . that's a problem. If we don't put ourselves first, no one else will. If we don't get a break, everyone suffers. Like you said, If mom's cranky with an attitude, so is everyone else. So, if you follow that logic, if mom is relaxed and feeling good, so should everyone else. Remember, you're doing it for them as much as you're doing it for yourself.

Kathryn, well thats a good start but remember it won't work if you are not "consistant." As far as doing things they've done over, I think not...Make them do it over and over again until they get it right. Its hard to believe now but one day they will thank you for it...Mine do all the time and so do their wives....Recently when I was quite ilol, it was my son at the hospital making sure I was tended to properly and then he brought me home, shopped for me and made me several dishes I only had to heat up. He's come over since and cleaned the entire place plus helps at home. She works later than he does and she always finds dinner ready and the laundry done. To look at this strapping 6ft something man, you'd never expect it. I am so proud of David and so glad I was a nag back then...

Well, Kathryn, I'm fascinated with this idea of tending and stress hormones. It makes perfect sense! God gave us all the mechanism for nurturing--and then we got so out of touch, lost within the noise rush of the culture's expectations, that we forgot Him as well as ourselves. I'll have to see if I can find a copy of that Prevention, too.

Mom's 10 Commandments for a Happy Household

1. If you take it out, put it away..
2. If you eat off it, wash it..
3. If you turn it on, turn it off..
4. If you mess it up, clean it up..
5. If you drop it, pick it up..
6. If it rings, answer it..
7. If it barks, walk it..
8. If you open it, close it..
9. If I cook it, eat it..
10.If I say do it, don't ask why..

Yes mothers you may use any or all of these..

Regarding tending

Love Thyself
The Bible says that we are to love our neighbor as we love ourselves.This would denote that God wishes for us to hold ourselves in some state of high regard. Many of ue were raised with the idea that we must be all sacrificing. That we must always consider the needs of others above and before our own needs. This philosophy keeps many of us in a constant state of stress, especially women who were raised to meet the needs of everyone else first, before satisfying her own needs. I believe that God would have us find a balance, to be kind, considerate, thoughtful and mindful of those around us, but to also extend those things to ourselves.
Make the choice to be good to yourself, to say no when others make high demands upon your time and energies. Love yourself the way you were raised to love others. Be kind to yourself, give yourself time out or time off now and then. Give yourself time to refresh. You'll have more to give to others and to yourself, if you take time to refresh and replenish.

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