July 2, 1971

Loneliness

Sometimes I make it a point to ignore people I am afraid of. I am afraid of dirty old men and people without legs or arms and I’m afraid of bikers ---- well, I’m not really afraid of anyone, not really, but there are certain people whom I’d just as soon ignore if at all possible. If they look at me, I look the other way and if they call out for me, I just keep on walking. There is no fear in the world that can keep up with my fleeing mind and body.
Two weeks ago I couldn’t walk away from the undesirable people, the people whom I say scare me when I don’t want to use the stronger words like disgust or repulse and I’m trying hard not to be condescending. I was selling beads downtown, sitting at a table which made me by definition immobile, not free to move away when the spooky people came by. An old man was the first. He did not walk over to my bead stand. He
wheeled himself over in a wheelchair. He had no legs. He said nothing but hello, how are you, I will buy me a ring when I get the money. Five times that day he promised he would get some money, very soon, perhaps in a half hour or so. I knew he would not get the money or buy a ring, but I said nothing except hello, that’s really nice, I will be sitting in the same place until I go home. Five times I did not vary my answers, lest he might think that I knew he was not going to buy a ring and I did not wait for him to come by and choose one. Nobody waits for old men with no legs, and I couldn’t let him think that I, too, have no time for a destitute paraplegic, with no legs, no money, no friends, no home except for the street in front of a large department store, where people flock to shop but have no time to share of themselves.
There was another old man who stopped by to talk to me. For over a half hour he related how his wife, his sister, his dog and his canary all died within 6 months of another. That was a year ago. He will be 90 in October, I think. Before he left ---- he said he didn’t want to go, he had nowhere to go anyhow, but he was afraid of boring me (“Young girls have better things to do than to listen to sad old men all day”) ---- he said please don’t get mad at me, promise you won’t get mad, but I think you are pretty. Young lady, I
think you are very pretty. And he left.
Am I the only thing remaining to a 90-year-old man, me and a thirty minute one-way
conversation? He smiled and then went shuffling down to another street somewhere, or perhaps he never left that one street, I really don’t know as it’s very difficult to see past 40 feet in a crowd of hundreds of people. Am I the only one who receives the smiles of lonely old men and forgotten paraplegics, and who talks with grandmothers who learned how to work beads many years ago when they were still girlscouts? I hope not, I hope there are other people who talk to the crying street wanderers, the street people
who are by a cruel laughing whimsy of fate are no longer young and healthy and beautiful and in possession of the many friends who flock to their own kind of happy or even unhappy people. I sat on the street for hours but I saw no one else who so much as smiled at my lonely friends. Everybody else turned the other way when called to by old lonely eyes, everyone else kept on walking, they just kept on walking because it’s
the easiest thing to do when you’re scared or repulsed or maybe just condescending towards the people on the streets. I have stopped running, I now stop when cried out to, because for one day I could not flee from the lonely people, the haunted and haunting people with no legs and no friends and a lost youth somewhere, the people
who had no one to turn to except a 21-year-old, pretty and healthy bead vendor with nothing in common to them but who was willing to smile and listen and maybe say a nice word or two. Did they know that I previously belonged to the hundreds of walkers-on-by, that the only reason I did not run that day was because I was trapped by
circumstance, I did not walk on because I had to tend to my bead stand? Did you know how afraid I was of the dirty old men and the distorted bodies with no arms or legs, and of God-only-knows-who-else, that I, too, wanted to flee your empty bodies and empty lives? I was so afraid of you, I was afraid you would touch me, with your amputated bodies and lives. I did not want to be touched, so I just kept on walking. I kept on
walking until one day I was forced to stay and listen, your touch was forced upon me and it made me cry. I hope you mistook my fear for love ---- that’s really what it was, wasn’t it? ---- I hope you felt my compassion and my love when you reached out to a stranger on the street because you new she couldn’t run away. I can no longer go by you, the lonely old people trapped on the streets, without at least smiling, because once
upon a time, only two weeks ago, I, too, was trapped on your same street. In our proximity, you touched me and I cried.

EXCELLENT

GET IT PUBLISHED!

Meredith, I had so many thoughts of street people and others who may have homes but aren't well kept while reading your story.

My most recent incident with something similar goes like this:

There's a man I regularly see in my town who gets around in a motorized wheel chair. His body is very distorted and he shakes. He's probably in his late 20's, early thirties. I've often wondered about him. Is he homeless, but then I saw him going to a home a couple blocks over and assumed he lived there because there was a ramp.

Because he looked so different I felt awkward when I saw him. I didn't know how to act. Never thought to talk to him.

One day while driving with my son in the car we saw him and my son commented on what an awesome guy he was.

"You know him"? I asked

"Well we always see him when we're skating and he stops to watch us so we try to talk to him, but he's really hard to understand".

Hmm, I think, that's interesting.

Shortly thereafter I saw his picture on the cover of our town paper. Come to find out, he's an artist and has won some huge award on televison for a documentary made about his life and his paintings. They call him The Gimp.

He straps a paint brush to his head, kneels on all fours and paints unbelievable paintings. His work was recently in a NY museum and also a local gallery.

I went to the local gallery on a Saturday and sure enough he was there in his chair proudly showing his paintings. I bravely spoke with him and had a very hard time understanding him, but I stuck with it. I asked about the documentary and he communicated that I could watch it there at the gallery. I proceeded to watch his story with him, then spoke with him about his work. I was so touched by his tenacity and desire to communicate. As soon as I closed the gallerry door behind me I was moved to tears.

WOuld I have spoken with him had he not been featured on the cover of our town paper? God, I hope so.

I learned a huge lesson that day. I was also proud of my son for befriending someone who looked out of the ordinary.

This is coming from someone who thinks she's nonjudgmental, has taken her kids to shelters to serve and mix with the residents, and has taught her kids that you can't tell what a person is like just by looking at them, yet I must admit I do the same thing at times.

I'm with you Meredith. Thanks for the lovely reminder.

Thanks for sharing your essay Meredith. There are reasons to be cautious with anyone you don't know, yet people are more likely to think the worst of someone who appears in need. Even in the safety of the nursing home environment, it's difficult to stop and talk to the woman in the wheelchair trying to grab your arm while yelling "Help me!" because she's always there, always saying the same thing, and there doesn't seem to be anything you can really do for her and it's painful to hear her and see her.

Yet, my cousin always stops and holds her hand and says something like, "Hi Violet. What's wrong? Can I get you something? No, I can't take you home, and I can see that makes you sad. But I can stay with you for awhile." and so he does and then he visits my mom (which he does almost everyday).

By the way, this cousin was once arrested for drug dealing and spent some time in prison. He has hepatitis, which destroyed his liver and he had a liver transplant many years ago. He's sick and in pain a lot but is always willing to help others in any way he can.

God works in mysterious ways...

Talk about tear jerkers and I mean that in the most understandable form. No, people can't be judged by their cover just like a book. I use to help prepare meals at a nursing home, I was a volunteer on week-ends but I use to get so upset by the ones that begged you to save them, help them, take them home, that I couldn't sleep at night and became very depressed. I stopped going. I am not proud of that but I couldn't deal with their pain and fear. "There for the grace of God go I," is a saying that is always in my head when I see indigent people on the streets. I like others fear them for what reason I don't know. I hand not money to people asking for money to buy food BUT I do take them into a restaurant and pay the waitess to feed them a good hearty meal. I refuse to give a drunk money for booze, so this way I know they get a meal. I agree with the others who've posted here, what a book this would make. Every Sunday after church my son and my 13 year old grandson Jason go to the mission and serve food, Jason reads to the children and God love him collects clothing for the poor as well. I prepare extra food when cooking and feed 2 old women living alone and have taken them on walks and to a movie once a month. When we have Thanksgiving or Christmas here at my house they are always invited and I hope have a good time. I think loneliness is a disease, whatdo you think?

chatty, I think loneliness can be just as crippling as any disease.

The piece that makes it worse is that it affects the mind. I'd take a physical disease over a mental one any day.

My heart aches for lonely and depressed people.

God knew what he was doing when He made one of the Commandments, Love they neighor as thyself.

We need to get outside of ourselves to love our neighbors, thus a cure for loneliness!

Thoughts?

The Gimp that Dots mentioned was the subject of a documentary film made by some Baltimore filmmakers that won an Oscar 2-3 years ago, called King Gimp.

I've come to realize that others who may appear unfortunate have as much pride as the rest of us, and often resent the pity that they detect coming at them. Lacking in legs, youth, or beauty doesn't make one any less human or less deserving of respect. In fact, I've spoken with some who seem "less fortunate" who to had their own objects of pity.

We're all at different stages on the inside, no matter what we are on the outside.

At the same time, most people stigmatize, and fear, anyone who appears dirty or not "whole." Maybe it's a hold-over from fearing diseases.

I wish I could say it's the hold-over from fearing diseases. That's not it for me.

I think one of the easiest actions we can take when it comes to this issue is to SMILE at everyone!

I think our culture is making loneliness a disease. It is a disease anyway in the literal sense in that dis (difficult) ease (comfort) certainly applies.
Also I think loneliness is the foundation of many other diseases. And I think there is an epidemic of it in our country today. Not just among the elderly, but among the kids and teens and married and unmarried, young and old. It is probably natural to suffer from it occasionally, but it seems to be escalating to the epidemic proportions in our society.
It seems to worsen as more of us are pushed closer together with urbanization and over population. I think I see it more acutely in big cities.
The other day I saw an ad on TV for one of the prozac type drugs to treat what they called "Social Phobia." The ad pictured what was obviously a lonely teenager who was given the drug and in the next scene was miraculously smiling and suddenly the life of the party. What is wrong with this picture? And we wonder why we are 'drugging our way into the twenty-first century.' Our young people are learning even from the second grade that any problem should be addressed with a drug.
In the past, war and adversity brought people together and that happened at the Murrah Bombing and on 9-11 for a short time. But now that we are at war, it's nothing like I read about WWI and WWII when America pulled together and the united effort certainly must have eased the loneliness. Whether our country is right or wrong, we should pull together as a family would if facing adversity.
In the World Wars, there was dissention, but people sold their ration coupons and bought war bonds. Men and women who didn't go to war worked in factories and women sewed bandages.
The reparations in Europe were as dangerous and death ridden as ours are in Iraq today, but people united behind America to fight for freedom and the united effort seemed to lead to less loneliness.
Now no cause joins us together. Causes only seem to separate us. I'm not sure why. But I believe if we recognize the problem and study it, we can find a solution.
smile

[ June 01, 2004, 11:26 AM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Smile, I agree with you on loneliness except for one thing. Its not only hitting the big cities but also the small, tiny cities.
While I was recuperating my craft group didn't gather here and all I've heard is how lonesome they are some even told me they are depressed because of it. The ages range from 40-60.
Our son and I stayed with one of my former classmates in a town a little bigger than ours.
She too is lonely. We went to a movie and then stayed up talking until midnight. When we left and I've received emails that say all I need is the conversation.
These are just two times I've found lonely people. I haven't written about the times people on the street talk to me and they are just lonely.
I figure the good Lord sends them so I listen and move on.
Maggie

Maggie, I guess loneliness is universal. Big city, little town, it probably doesn't matter. I think some of it is natural and maybe even a good thing, but somehow it seems to be turning pathological lately.
I think creating things together really helps alleviatte the pain for everyone. For that reason, a craft group would probably be extremely beneficial for a lot of people.
When I have been lonely, I have reached out to my writing group and I think it has been good for all of us. All of the writers are older than I and one who was much published died recently at the age of 93. He was my hero. He wrote up until the moment of death and published some work we helped him with just before he died.
I too seem to attract people who need to talk. I meet people on the street and astound my family and friends with what I learn about them in a fifteen minute conversation. People just confide in me. Probably because I listen. I love hearing everyone's story. I learn from them.
smile

This subject fascinates me so I did some research that opened my eyes to the truth of what this situation really means, bear with me:

LONE
abandoned, alone, deserted, forsaken, isolated, lonely, lonesome, one, oneliest, particular, secluded, separate, separated, single, singular, sole, solitary, solo, stag, unaccompanied, unique.

LONELY
feeling friendless, forlorn, alone, apart, comfortless, companionless, deserted, desolate, destitute, disconsolate, down, empty, estranges, forsaken, godforsaken, homeless, isolated, left, outcast reclusive, rejected, renounced, secluded, troglodytic, unattended, unbefriended, uncherished, unsocial, withdrawn.

LONESOME
forlorn, friendless, alone, cheerless, companionless, deserted, desolate, dreary, gloomy, homesick, isolated, lone, lonely, solitary.

God Lord almighty have you ever read anything sadder than this. Such a little word that demonstrates such desolation of the mind, body, heart and soul...

Chatty,
You are so smart to post those definitions on here. Before I posted this subject, I looked up that stuff up too. Isn't it amazing that loneliness has not been openly addressed by the medical community except recently when they seem to be calling it 'social phobia' and prescribing pills.
I am so drawn to lonely people. When we go out to eat, I smile and talk to people who look lonely. In stores, I tell little old ladies they look pretty and flirt with old men.
I just love to see their posture change and their eyes light up. I have a lot of older friends who are widows. I would love to fill the void in their lives, but sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I listen and that's about all I can do.
I wonder if there is a solution. Or if there should be. Maybe, like with other emotions, if we stopped fighting, the pain of loneliness would be eased. ??
smile

I love this topic. Wouldn't it be cool if doctors would prescribe activities like, joining a church, a social club, a quilting club, a travel club, etc.? Anything that would put people who are alone with others would be beneficial.

I'm a people person so this makes sense to me.

However, I do have a tendency to want for others what they don't even want for themselves.

You know Dotsie, doctors do prescribe all kinds of beneficial lifestyle changes and almost no one follows through. It would probably be the same with loneliness.
Also, loneliness seems to be complicated by shame. Being ashamed of being lonely seems to be a problem of society and it seems to keep lonely people from reaching out. Maybe they can't. Maybe someone has to reach out to them and maybe more people would reach out if they understood loneliness better. Knowledge calms fears and can help us cope with difficult situations.
Maybe the first step to easing what appears to be an epidemic of loneliness in this country would be some sort of education project where people would learn about loneliness and become more skillful in helping others.

I have no solutions to loneliness though. Seems like we need more data. We seem to be at the first step of the scientific problem solving process. We're "recognizing a problem."
As we gather more information, a solution may be discovered and we can take the next steps to implementation, evaluation, and re-planing.
I heard a story on Oprah yesterday about a lonely child who committed suicide at the age of twelve. Didn't watch the whole thing, but it terrified me.
There must be a solution.
janis

I thought everyone might like to know why I put 'loneliness' on here a while back as a topic. This is what started me thinking about it.

A couple of years ago after not working as a nurse for a very long time I was recruited to a short term job relieving a friend who is Director of Nurses at a nursing home.
I was half afraid to do it because my nursing skills are very rusty. But my friend assured me that all they needed was someone with a nursing license and that my knowledge of nursing theory would compensate for my rusty skills.
I was alone a lot at that time had been searching for something worthwhile to do so I took the job for a couple of months while my friend took some much needed time off.
Every day as I drove to the nursing home I was terrified that I would do something wrong. In the car on the way to work, I prayed that I would not do any thing to hurt anyone then I prayed that I be a blessing to someone that day.
The facility was nice, but I have never seen such profound loneliness. I'm pretty sure it's the reason people don't want to be there or even work there. People seemed to sit around all day just waiting to die.
I fell in love with the patients. I tried to give each one special attention, especially the difficult ones whose family never visited, but the work was very demanding and there was just not enough time to listen. I tried to smile a lot and listen when I could.
The moment I entered the building, the patients would gather around all talking at once trying to get my attention. They seemed to be so desperate to be heard and they wanted to be touched. I tried to take each one's hand, but even that was interrupted by the demands of the job.
Eating was about the only thing they had to look forward to. There was a total of eighty patients and they waited in groups of forty in front of my desk for an hour for dinner. That was the time allotted for charting, but the patients seemed so lonely. They just stared off into space waiting.
One day, one of the patients told me it was her birthday so I tried to get everyone to sing Happy Birthday to her. When no one would sing, I sang alone. I sing pretty badly, but I sang loudly. At first no one joined in, but eventually I talked a couple of patients into singing with me and I praised them so highly that a couple of others decided to sing too.
I sang directly into the ears of patients who couldn't hear and soon more of them wanted to sing along so we sang the Birthday song, which was the only one everybody knew, again and again. We wound up singing Happy Birthday for almost an hour.
The next day when I came into the facility, the patients immediately began asking me if we were going to sing again. They all said they had not been sung the birthday song on their birthday so when they were all gathered around my desk, we sang Happy Birthday to every one of them and anyone else we could find.
Within a week or so almost all those who could speak were singing Happy Birthday and we began to expand into a few familiar choruses. They greeted me at the door with song requests and we sang anything anyone could remember. I began to sing directly into the ears of the patients who were paralyzed, even those who were confined to stretchers and couldn't talk.
The more I sang to them, the more they tried to join in and after a while, even some of the ones who couldn’t move their bodies or talk began to sing. I was amazed. Their voices were weak and their words were garbled, but they were singing.
I got some discarded hymnals from a church and I began to lead them in singing the old hymns. We sang a whold medley of patriotic songs on the Fourth of July and Happy Birthday every day. We sang it to anyone who didn’t object. I told them that anyone who let us sing Happy Birthday to them when it was not their birthday, got to take a year off their age.
They sang Happy Birthday to me so many times that pretty soon, in more ways than one, I was practically a child.
One day one of the patients wanted me to tell a joke so I began telling jokes and a few of them told some jokes. I began to look for jokes online and would yell them into the ears of the half deaf patients. Many couldn't hear well enough to get the punch lines and most just laughed out of politeness, but they laughed.
The staff who had teased me about singing with the patients began to sing along with us and when the jokes started, they began to ‘gong’ me when I told a bad one. Pretty soon the patients were gonging me too and then they began gonging each other and even themselves. Everyone was laughing and singing so much they didn‘t want to go to dinner and would try to stay around with the next group so I made a rule that they had to eat in order to sing.
We sang for an hour every day and it meant I had to work over time to finish my charting, but the singing and the laughter really energized me.
I began to look forward to going to the facility, but still every day on my way to work I prayed that I not harm anyone and I als prayed that I be a blessing to someone that day.
Pretty soon, I noticed myself singing on the way home and I realized that it was me who had been blessed.

About the time the Director of Nurses returned to work my father became ill and I had to leave, but I still visit the nursing home occasionally and I sing with them if I can. I still sing terribly, but they don’t seem to mind and it is still a great blessings to me just to be there.
smile

[ June 02, 2004, 09:07 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Excuse the long post. I wrote that a while back and I guess it was longer than I realized. Sorry.
smile

You are such a loving, giving, warm woman. Your story moved me to tears.

We should plaster the story on all the entrance halls to retirement communities, hospitals and nursing homes.

Smile, have you had that published in any magazines for the elderly? What a ministry. Your article alone could change so many lives.

We need to get you to submit your work again. No pressure girlfriend, but you have too much to offer to hide it under a bushel. You gotta let it shine!

Smole, I did watch the whole Oprah show and the boys mother was on. Shes waiting to be sentenced for his suicide, they figure she'll get 10 years.
With this poor and might I say, adorable little 11 year old boy, everyone missed the sighs, too busy to pay attention. Finally feeling totally alone and afraid, he took his own life. The signs were there and I believe his mother was a negligent parent. You have to hear the whole story, she let him down as a parent and the school (jackass's that they are) ignored the problems he was having and chose to ignore them.

Sorry SMILE my mistake. I just wanted to reach out and hug this child, he needed love so badly.

You know what I find really sad? Is that there are some people, our own age, who aren't older, who aren't on the streets, who have by most standards, normal regular lives, and they're lonely.

I've got a wonderful girlfriend who has been one of my dearest friends since we were 14 and she's now living in Las Vegas. She has a couple of friends and her mother lives in a retirement community there but she's been divorced, gone through some bad relationships, works a lot but doesn't make a lot of money, and she's so lonely that it makes me want to scoop her up because it's just so sad.

She told me once that she wasn't like me, I have a lot of friends and I nurture that sort of relationship but she feels that she doesn't have the time or energy to do that and so instead she goes home at night and sits with her dog and her cat, in a cluttered little apartment and watches tv and eats and suffers the repurcussions of that.

Now how do you get someone to change while they still can?

Kate

Dreamer,
Is your friend in pain from loneliness? If not, maybe she's simply alone and enjoying it. I think its the reisitance to our emotions that causes simple aloneness to turn to painful loneliness.
I wonder how to deal with it as much as you do and I have no answers. I see it everywhere. I too have friends, some of whom are married who appear to be so lonely. In fact, the loneliest I've ever been was in a marriage now over, but very painful at the time.

It's a complex issue.
smile

You're so right... it IS a complex issue.

My friend is lonely. She just realized this year that the guy she'd lived with and had tried to make a life with, was really bad for her and she made him go on his way.

I understand being lonely in marriage, I know I've been there several times but not now, and it has passed, but was incredibly sad when I was in that space. Fortunately that was never the predominate feeling.

And I do think 'faith' has a lot to do with it. If you have total faith (which equals trust) in God, I don't know that you ever feel completely alone. I think then is when you know "that this too, shall pass" and you just content yourself with what is in the present until the next thing is set before you, but that's MY belief and it's very hard to try to explain that to anyone else.

Kate

Meredith: Great story!

For all of us:
There are many lonely people out there. I know of cases when, even the ones that are surrounded by caring and loving friends and family are, many times, surprisingly lonely. In such cases, one of the problems is that a lonely person has not learned to reach out. They don't want to open up. Others, clam up inside when they are reached out to. They don't know how to accept friendship, when befriended. Some, I know, do this for fear of misunderstanding and/or to avoid being judged. Others, simply chose to be that way and feel miserable about themselves.

On the other hand, we need to reach out to others and be compassionate and caring! We should treat them as we would like to be treated! We need to learn to give more of ourselves and spread the love of God all around us!

Sometimes, even in our church community we can find lonely people! And that shouldn't be the case. I believe that each one of us can truly make a difference each day in other person's life by reaching out in some way. We all appreciate a kind word, a smile... We all appreciate to know that someone is praying for us... We need to make an effort and go out of our way to show caring and understanding to those in need.

Dreamkate, I live in Las Vegas as you may know and would be so happy to give your friend a call and possibly we could meet for coffee or whatever. I have plenty of time and would be happy to give her some. Feel free to give her my number which I'll send you or I'll call her just to chat if she says it's okay. No one should just work and sit alone with no one to talk to. I am not a pest and know when to back off from someone but I'd like to try and be her friend too.

Thank you Charleen! I'll message you and tell you more. That would be sweet. She's such a great person, you'd probably love her.

More later.

Kate

Dreamrkate, I'll look forward to it. Its such fun here when you have a friend to share things with.....