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#32725 - 01/03/04 05:16 PM Fighting Suicidal Depression
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
New Year's Night, I spent in the mental health crisis unit. Raul and I had yet another fight, provoked of course by him... we had had a pleasant day, to my recollection, and then he has to be a complete butt head. My rage surfaced, and once again I found myself hearing the voices inside mocking me, telling me I would be better off dead. I came very close to acting on that. But for the first time I could remember, I started getting the impulse to really harm Raul.

Now, he probably deserves it. But it's wrong. It's wrong to harbor and savor the image of whackinghim over the head and crushing his skull. It's wrong to give in to the paranoid fantasies and accusations he has launched against me, that I would like to harm him, poison him and his girlfriend, etc. But I came very close to snapping that completely.

So I took a shower, got dressed, and left. It was a very scary journey -- the county hospital is, of course, in a rotten part of town. The quick, easy, and SAFEST public trans to the place shuts down early, plus it was a holiday (for everyone else but me), so I had to take the most tedious route, and walk for at least a couple of miles to get where I needed to be.

But they helped me, and they didn't try to make me stay overnight. I had two appointments elsewhere in the morning, so when they released me with a prescription for Celexa at around 1 am, I walked back the arduous treck to the basement pharmacy where I could get the scrip filled for free.

And then I took the pill, and wandered for 6 hours. Bench to bench, waiting area to waiting area. The security there has nothing better to do than to roust sick old ladies from comfy chairs in the surgical waiting area. No one else was there, no one needed the seat where I was sitting quietly, minding my own business, but I wasn't allowed to sit there. Fortunately, I had spent a couple of hours in the nearby chapel, arguing with God while the pill took its slight effect, and sleep deprivation took its extreme effect. I didn't resolve anything, but I felt a little better.

So now I am a little more advanced into the mental health care system. Once the rotten side effects of the Celexa wear off (nausea, extreme loss of appetite, slight but constant headache, explosive diarrhea), I think I can expect good things. I have a friend who's on the stuff, and she has had great success with it.

Meanwhile, the news from my soon-to-be ex husband keeps getting worse and worse. I will probably lose my internet access in about a month, because he and his girlfriend are probably moving out without me, despite their promises to the contrary. Raul is manufacturing reasons to justify his distate (dare I call it hate?) for me, while protesting all the while that he doesn't hate me, just doesn't trust me. The nicer I get, the more I give, the worse he gets.

Heaping burning coals upon his head, perhaps? Well, I feel that *I* am the one having to suffer the burning coals. I have no idea what to do next, no way to support myself yet, and I will be ardently searching for answers. Nomatter what, it's pretty clear that I'm going to have to give up almost everything I own, an my life will become even more meager and austere. Just when I think I have sacrificed enough, managed to do without everything superfluous, life forces me to live without something else.

I'm calmer, and I'm feeling a less intense level of emotional pain, but the storm is just below the surface. I feel I have an ocean of tears to shed.

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#32726 - 01/03/04 05:48 PM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Lil,
Glad to hear you are getting help. Do you have another appointment set up?

I think the best thing you can do for yourself now is to take those long walks and remove yourself form the environment you are living in. Everyone needs to feel loved and from the sounds of it, nobody is helping in that household to give you any affirmations or feelings of love. [Mad]

Did you feel better when you were out and about? If so, do it more often. [Big Grin] Go to the library and read, research, write, smile at others, chat with the librarians, and just remove yourself from Raul a bit.

Also, don't know if you are inclined to go to the local church and see if there is any type of volunteer work you can do. SOmetimes just getting our minds off our problems for brief periods of time can be helpful. Plus you'll be meeting new people who will appreciate you for who you are.

Just my thoughts. Hope it helps. Meantime, I'm covering you in prayer Lil. [Wink]

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#32727 - 01/03/04 07:23 PM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Lil,

Personally I think you're on the right track with the angry feelings as long as you don't act on them. Anyone in your position would be angry. You've probably been angry for a long time. If it were me, I would have been furious long before now! Emotions won't kill you. Drugs and guns and other weapons can kill you, but emotions make you strong.

Anger is a part of a divorce and not always a bad thing. Even Jesus became angry. The Bible says, "Be angry and sin not." Anger is the fuel you need for the type of battle you are about to enter. Whether you want it or not, there is a battle going on even now and it will become worse before this is over. Gird your loins with anger, stand up tall like the warrior goddess you are, and prepare for battle.

Now's the time to circle the wagons. Instead of fantacizing about physical harm to Raul, use that energy to find a good (meaner than dirt) attorney who will work on contingency and sue Raul's butt!!! Take the house! Take his car. Sue him for all he's worth. Get alimony and take any investments he has. You're not going to starve. You'll be better off than you've ever been with Raul and his other woman for heaven's sake.

The reason Raul is being 'nice' to you and saying he 'doesn't hate you' (of course he doesn't hate you. He has no reason) is that he's trying to work your emotions to avoid what he knows you can do to him in court. He's trying to get you to hate him because the problem with hate is, it only hurts the one who hates and in pain your emotions make you do things that weaken your case against him.

Don't move from the house unless it becomes dangerous to stay. If he leaves, charge him with desertion. If things get really bad, go to a women's shelter. And document everything.

Don't take too many tranquilizers. You need to be vigilant and to use all your anger as fuel for the fight. You're in a position of power in this legal battle and you should use it!!!

It's a dirty game and I've actually never been able to play it myself, but I know a lot of woomen who have and have won.

Right now a strong offense is your best defense. You are not weak. You are strong. You are a powerful woman! So let's hear you ROAR!!

smile

[ January 03, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

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#32728 - 01/03/04 10:21 PM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
Lynn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/26/03
Posts: 621
Loc: pennsylvania
Oh Lil if we could only circle you right now with our wagons. We would kick Raul's butt legally and steal back your self esteem.

Anger is good, it can keep you focused and Dotsie is right, it is very important for you to connect with "nice" people, even if it is just a smile.

Volunteering can lead to paying positions or friendships.

I, too, think you should find a good attorney who can defend you against this man legally. It seems he has breached his contract to you and you should not be left adrift.

Please keep talking to us. Can you use the library internet just to get out of that house for awhile?

Praying for you

Lynn

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#32729 - 01/04/04 04:43 AM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
Lil - it's soooo hard to keep focused at a time like this -- but that's exactly what you need to do right now. Stay focused on YOU -- you were an individual BEFORE you met Raul -- you will be an individual AFTER Raul -- and right now you need more than ever to remember that.

Surround yourself with positive attitudes, people that appreciate you -- and volunteering can do that faster than anything. Church, hospitals or nursing homes, women's shelters, animal shelters -- the list goes on and on -- it gets you out of the house -- opens up all sorts of opportunities for you and mostly keeps your mind on positive things. You have nothing but negative energy around you at home right now -- so find someplace where you feel positive about yourself !!!!

And I agree with the other girls, at least discuss your legal rights with a lawyer -- most places have free legal help available -- and I think you will be surprised how much right is on YOUR side !!!!

You may find that this is all a blessing in disquise -- God's plan for you may not be very pleasant for you in the beginning -- but wait it out -- trust better things are coming -- and let him guide you out of the rut you've been in for so long -- this is YOUR TIME -- believe it or not -- and if you will FOCUS on where God is trying to take you -- I promise you will be a happier person for it [Smile]

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#32730 - 01/04/04 08:31 AM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
There is, indeed, a lot of harm that Raul can do to me, as far as abandoning me and so forth. But he hasn't got anything that I could sue him for. We haven't been married long enough even for me to get alimony. We have no house, he has no car. No bank account to speak of. We've always been poor.

Part of me is holding out a slim sliver of hope that Publisher's Clearing House is going to show up at our door. Or that I will win the Florida Lottery... problem is, if I can't buy a ticket, I can't play or win. But if I were win something like that, it would be such a simple way out. I can't work, and winning such a prize would keep me safe and sound for the rest of my life. It would ensure that I could get medical care and medicines; it would even mean that Raul's financial problems would be over, because if I win while we're married, he's entitled to half of it. I would have no problem with that. Half of a million dollars is as good as the whole to me -- as long as I don't start buying yachts and furs.

Anyway, that's pie in the sky. I'm going to work on contacting agencies that can offer me alternatives to possibly getting thrown out onto the street.

I am feeling this totally unnatural calm. The Celexa is working really fast in my body; either that or I have completely lost my mind and I'm just not able to respond to my feelings any more. Nah, I think the Celexa is working. Placebo effect maybe ~ who knows. I'm just glad I feel better. I'm beginning to realize that I can't sit around worried to death about what Raul is going to do... I have to concentrate on what *I* am going to do. I have to gather myself together and take my destiny, instead of allowing it to remain intertwined with his. I think that's the most intelligent thought I've had in a very long time!

Ladies, thanks for letitng me bounce stuff off of you and rant and vent.... your prayers and your suggestions have been like gold to me!

Hugs,
Lil

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#32731 - 01/05/04 08:53 AM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
I believe that the calm in you has nothing to do with medicine or losing your mind. The calm you feel, Lil, is the "I" in your paragraph.

You're taking matters into your OWN hands and concentrating on "I" -- and that is an unbelievable rush of power -- and calm -- knowing that for once -- your future is in YOUR control.

Please stop thinking about a person that has no more respect for you than being able to have his cake and eat it too. OH -- I BELIEVE he loves you -- why wouldn't he -- and I don't mean to mean cruel here -- but it has nothing to do with your gentle soul -- and ALL to do with how you allow him to treat you.

You're scared to be out on your own -- but Lil -- you've been on your own all along. You think because you're married that you have something with this man -- but you deserve to have love and tenderness and marriage with a man who has no other woman in his mind, heart AND BED but YOU.

You DESERVE it -- now DEMAND it of yourself !! and I promise you that things will start to fall into place faster than you know.

Have you ever thought that maybe God isn't allowing you to "win the lottery" (and I don't mean Publisher Clearing House -- but a good loving relationship and your needs met comfortably) BECAUSE of Raul -- maybe God is waiting for you to be on your own -- with a clean slate and self respect before he opens the doors to the sunshine.

and Lil -- if you think I'm a prude or don't know what I'm talking about -- I'm not -- and I do -- because my first and second marriage's were the same way - and then one day I said ENOUGH -- DAMN IT ENOUGH -- and I left the following note on the table -- packed my bags and walked out ----- and now here I am 26 yrs later -- still married to my very best friend and eventhough we struggle to pay bills still -- my needs are met -- I have a home and car and job and my bills this month will be paid -- but most of all -- I have my self-respect !!!!

here's to me
and here's to you
and here's to fun and laughter
i'll be true
as long as you
not a single moment after ------------

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#32732 - 01/05/04 04:54 AM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Well... I have to disagree a tiny bit... my calmness has a great deal to do with the medicine! A great deal to do with the prayers going out for me as well... but the medicine is a very significant factor.

I would not be making the "I" statements without it, I don't think. Depression and other mental illnesses run on both sides of my family. Something in our brains fails to balance out the brain chemical cycles -- the root cause of many awful symptoms.

I HAVE been out of control. Not excusing Raul's behavior, but I've needed help that I wasn't getting.

I don't know about the whole Love business. I've totally had it with romance for the time being. I've got to work on being me, having my own destiny, learning more about who I am, before I even think of trying to join my life to someone else's. In fact, the thought of a new relationship is actually revolting to me at this moment.

You're right, my dear, though, that there is old stuff that needs to move out of the way before the new stuff can come to me. Now that I am not reliving the shrieking horrors of my childhood every second of the day and night, I can grasp that, almost embrace that. There IS a new life on its way. I can feel it.

You see, I didn't realize that all the abandonment issues, starvation issues, feeling completely crushed by my parents' rejection, and a thousand other horrors, had not been put to rest inside my heart. I thought I had released all that. Either I had not really dealt with all of it, or I just had a complete nervous breakdown and began reliving thememories, which are unfortunately totally intact inside my brain. Instead of 30 and 40 years ago, all the abuse felt like it had just happened yesterday, and it was happening again today, without any intervening years or therapy or anything. That I had gone from my father's abusive house to my mother's abusive house, dirctly to Raul's abusive house, in an unbroken line of mental cruelty and so forth. Not that Raul was physically abusive to me, but being rejected and disowned once again was just similar enough to re-ignite those awful feelings.

So... here I am. Calmly looking at options. Hoping for something good. Please keep those prayers coming!

Hugs,
Lil

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#32733 - 01/05/04 06:59 AM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
Lil, I knew you were abused as a child from perhaps the very first post I read of yours back several months ago. I kept my mouth shut because I didn't know the manner in which you were dealing with things. I also keep my mouth shut because people don't always want to hear what I have to say, even when they ask (which you didn't.) In addition, other members of this forum have been giving you some excellent advice, and I know you've been in many of our prayers.

Now I need to speak. This last post of yours is the most positive thing I've read from you so far, because you're finally acknowledging the roots. This is so, so, important. Never be afraid, because the strength is inside you.

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#32734 - 01/06/04 08:39 AM Re: Fighting Suicidal Depression
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Thank, MB! Maybe one of the positive things I will look back on from this chapter in my life is knowing that another layer, or strata, of stuff was uncovered, one that I never acknowledged before. God, I hope there aren't any more layers of this stuff.

I'll tell you what, though. I've never been able to get a grip on my eating patterns before. Between the medication taking away a lot of my appetitte, and giving me nausea and digestion problems and such, I've miraculously been able to keep myself from bingeing. I mean, in years before, if something upset my guts the way they've been upset by this medicine, I wold still binge, I would still try to comfort myself by eating whatever the heck I felt like eating... but the past 5 days, I've felt just fine with eating very, very lightly... restricting myelf to only certain things that didn't aggravate the problem ....

I think the only reason I can do this is because I confronted enough of the feelings and memories of being deprived, and then at the same time, started taking the Celexa. So it's sort of like... I got to the root of a serious problem, then I let off enough steam to give me some space to re-evaluate things, and then I got my seratonin levels more normalized. Sort of like dropping a bomb on the right target. Or applying healing salve to the right spot. Does that make any sense?

It was divinely timed, I believe. Because ordinarily, I have great difficulty thinking about food in terms of portions, and being satisfied without gorging myself. It feels pretty OK now. My stomach is getting used to the medicine, so my appetite is coming back a little bit, but I'm looking forward to being able to say "No" when I know I should stop eating. Before I couldn't say "No," I had to eat until I was about to burst. So this is what it feels like to have willpower! It's a breeze when you're not fighting some horrible compulsion!

This is all so very new to me. I hope it stays. I like it.

Hugs & Blessings,
Lil [Cool]

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