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#218469 - 01/21/13 03:12 PM New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma
Gettingitogether Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 4
Hi All, I'm so glad I found this site, it's nice to have other to talk to that are not so emotionally involved in your life to get some fresh thoughts. Wow what a year 2012 was, my DH and I have been through huge changes, some good and some not so much. Lost our jobs, lost our house, lost a beautiful little boy that I had taken care of for 2 years (I'm a nurse), lost a good friend, all in the first 6 mo of the year. We sold everything we owned and moved into our rv with our 3 dogs and 2 cats thinking it would give us some time to figure things out. Seven months later we're still in the rv but we are getting it together, this time has actually been a blessing. It has allowed me to take time to really look deep and reevaluate my life and what I want/ need from this next half and things are really starting to turn around within myself and in our lives. My dilemma is this - my daughter has been trying it get us to move closer to herald the grandkids for years but it just wasn't possible due to work, finances etc. Now we have the opportunity but I'm just not sure if I want to start all over, also my son and our elderly moms live here and I have an opportunity to change careers and do something I've wanted to do for a long time. I know that if we decide to stay here my daughter will be crushed and that just breaks my heart. I would love to live close to them, we have a wonderful relationship, love spending time together and I know she could use the little extra help I could give with kids. Yet I know my son would be very upset if we moved and we also have the Moms to think about. Oh, what to do, what to do, I have to say I'm getting a little tired of the bumps in the road. Like I said I think I just need a fresh perspective, it's such an emotionally charged issue its hard for me to be calm and objective, so any thoughts are welcome.

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#218470 - 01/21/13 03:19 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Gettingitogether]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Welcome! A dilemma indeed! I think you have to do what makes you happy; it's that simple. Oh, I know, it really isn't simple at all. No matter what you do, somebody is going to be upset with your decision. But you are not responsible for other people's feelings. If none of these others were in the picture, what would you do?
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#218472 - 01/21/13 05:47 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: yonuh]
Ellemm Offline


Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
Here's my quick take on it: stay where you are. Your daughter would like for you to be around more, but your elderly moms need for you to be near - unless your son can take care of everyone by himself.

As people get older and face greater care challenges, often one member of a family gets 'stuck' being the one to help out. I'd suggest that you do whatever you can to make regular trips to see your daughter and grandkids.

In one way, it's wonderful to be wanted by everyone!

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#218473 - 01/21/13 07:06 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Ellemm]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
Welcome to you, Gettingittogether!

My you do have a challenge on your hands, don't you?

If it is any help to know that others have experienced some of your life challenges, you will get some of that sort of help here.

I'm not sure that anyone else who frequents the forum has sold their home and the majority of their belongings and moved into their RV -- but I do know someone else who has done this. A friend of mine, Gina Gaudio-Graves and her husband Bill did this a number of years ago.

In their case GGG as I call her, had been given a death sentence -- told she had only months left to live. Gina and Bill decided to take those months and spend them together, seeing parts of the country they had always wanted to visit. So they have done this -- seems like for about 10 years now.

They're on perhaps their 3rd RV, but they love the RV life, and it seems to agree with them. In the meantime, Gina, formerly an attorney, has become quite well known as an internet marketer. She's discovered that she can generate a significant income working from her RV. And these days, she also coaches other people in how to succeed as an internet marketer.

As you may have discovered by now, there is actually a growing culture of permanent RVers.

It seems to me that you can use your full-time RV lifestyle to your advantage. Spend some time with your daughter, and some time where you are, caring for your mothers.

Hope to hear more from you soon!
_________________________
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#218478 - 01/22/13 10:12 AM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Anne Holmes]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
You have been on a roller coaster of a year.Both of you have had losses.The people you have lost also adds to grief.
During grief we function to survive and you acted by RV living.The future awaits.
The elder people have needs..do you want to provide this or arrange this..the children have needs and you could help but so can others..could you daughter move nearer.

what would have happened if your job had not been lost..
would you resent being needed.
Time flies past and we often dont get a second chance to help our elders..
you will have thought all these things..
do ask the posters here how they have adapted to change...for sure change does come along

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#218479 - 01/22/13 03:21 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Mountain Ash]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Welcome! I'm not much help, I'm afraid, since I never had children and both of my parents have been gone for over 10 years now. But I can echo what others here have said, that this time with your Moms is precious and won't ever come again...to be blessed with the time and opportunity to help them through these elder years is something I would have loved to have been able to do. As I read through your post, I think I can see you leaning more toward staying put for now.

Nothing is written in stone...if there's no clear push from within yourself to move elsewhere, then perhaps that's because your heart wants to stay put...later, if your heart and circumstances change, you can move accordingly.

We have good friends who are permanent RV'ers. They spend six months based in Arizona and travel around as finances permit, and then spend six months in Canada, visiting family and friends here. They love the lifestyle, and the freedom to roam wherever the wind takes them. While it hasn't been as much a free choice as it might be for others, it's probably been a blessing in disguise in many ways for you.

I'm rambling here. I think the bottom line is to make the choice that will best suit where your heart wants to be right now. We've often contemplated moving to places because of the people who live there now, but that's not always the best reason to make a life-changing choice like that. It really does have to be what YOU want, because you have to imagine what it would be like to live there if those people WEREN'T there - life changes, jobs change, people move...the bottom line is that it has to be somewhere you would want to be no matter who lived there.


Edited by Eagle Heart (01/22/13 03:22 PM)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#218484 - 01/22/13 07:12 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Eagle Heart]
Gettingitogether Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 4
Thanks Ladies, you all voiced the thoughts and feelings I have been having all along. I love that my daughter needs me and wants to be near me but she is young and oh so strong, I also know that we have many many years to spend together. Our moms on the other hand need us in so many ways, unlike my daughter they are no longer strong enough to get by without our help, and we do not know how much more time we will have to spend with them. I thought life was supposed to get easier after the kids grew up and had families of their own but I feel like life is more complicated now than it ever was. To be honest I sometimes feel resentful over the demands and responsibilities and wonder if a time will ever come to finally think about my desires and needs before I'm too old to even care. I apologize about ending this with a rant but it does feel good to finally get it out.

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#218485 - 01/22/13 07:24 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Gettingitogether]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Life can be complicated in later years..personally child rearing was a complete happy experience that I enjoyed then and recall with fondness..partly because it was busy busy and few outside pressures..life changes bring different issues.

This forum has wonderful women with a wealth of experiences.

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#218486 - 01/22/13 07:33 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Mountain Ash]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
This is a great place to rant. I think you're living what they call the "sandwich" years...caught between the pull of elderly parents and the demands from your children with their children. I've never had to deal with any of it, so in some ways, for me, the grass is greener on your side of the fence...but I can empathize with you feeling like you're in a tug of war. I'd say that the time to look after you is NOW...somehow find a way to carve out space and time to pursue YOUR interests and desires NOW. Don't wait. I can tell you stories about people who waited...

There's got to be a way to set aside time in your day/week/life for activities and things that will make you feel like you're less tugged on and more empowered to choose which demands you're going to meet and when.

But there are others here with more experience with that sandwich dilemma...perhaps they'll be by with more life experience and wisdom. But know that we ALL cherish the freedom to rant here, so welcome!!
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#218490 - 01/23/13 03:53 PM Re: New here and need a fresh perspective on a dilemma [Re: Eagle Heart]
Gettingitogether Offline


Registered: 01/21/13
Posts: 4
I agree Mountain Ash, I loved those years too, not that there wasn't stress but it was different. I wonder if it was because we were younger and still had so much of our own lives ahead of us, there wasn't that pressure to do something before its too late. Not that I'm too old now but you do reach an age when you see how fast the years have gone by and know that future years will go by just as quickly. I guess it's that whole seeing your own mortality thing (lol). Also I think we all have a picture of what we think life will be like at each stage and when life doesn't match those expectations it can be difficult to rectify reality with our expectation. I have earnestly been working on living in the present, enjoying, accepting and being grateful for each day as it comes. It's a daily struggle and I have to keep reminding myself I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment, I tend to be a planner and a bit of a control freak and letting go is my goal for this year. As you see by my initial post I have a long way to go smile. In stead of making a resolution this year I picked a word for the year that I thought would benefit me and what I came up with was BREATHE. So every time I start feeling stressed or something I planned doesn't work out quite right I remind myself to breathe - deeply and slowly. It helps to break that cycle of 'think/worry, think/worry' and really clears my mind. And Eagle Heart I think I have forgotten how to take care of me, I've been so caught up in the caregiving role, nursing/parenting/etc it gets to the point that its all you know. I absolutely need some me time doing something I enjoy, as a matter of act I just caught up with an old friend and we are having lunch today, something I haven't done for quite awhile. Well again, thank you ladies I've really needed this!

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