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#212505 - 05/03/11 01:44 AM How Long should one suffer?
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
My question is how long should a man or woman stay in a bad marriage if they have the tools needed to leave it? My nown mother, married at eighteen stayed in here abusive marriage for almost 26 years until we kids urged/insisted that she get free. She did, never looked back and was never happier, and still is! I stayed in mine for 6 long years and he is still an albatross around my neck to this day...
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#212515 - 05/03/11 02:48 AM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: chatty lady]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3191
Loc: Illinois
Oh Chatty! You have asked a hugely difficult question. I do not think there could possibly be a simple answer. IMHO the answer depends on so many different situations... I am sure every marriage is built on a unique set of circumstances.

Of course, it would be best if one never entered into an abusive marriage in the first place... But I guess we don't teach kids enough about how to choose a good marriage partner for THAT wish to ever happen...


Edited by Anne Holmes (05/03/11 02:50 AM)
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#212878 - 05/14/11 05:58 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: Anne Holmes]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10010
Loc: New York State
I had friends who were married 25 years and would not get a
divorce because their estate holdings were huge. Neither person wanted to split the assets; both have gone to be with The Lord
in recent years. Some people stay because of the children. Had another woman not forced the issue, I'd probably still be wed to
my lying, cheating ex. So I don't have an answer. I guess you take it until you can't take it any longer. Who knows?
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#212881 - 05/14/11 10:38 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: jabber]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3191
Loc: Illinois
Quote:
Had another woman not forced the issue, I'd probably still be wed to my lying, cheating ex.


I'm with you, Jabber. I did not want to put my kids, who were 5 and 2 at the time, through a divorce, so I probably would have stayed with my ex even though I was pretty darn sure he was cheating. (His job, which had him out of town half the time, made it easy for him to cheat.) We saw a marriage counselor, instead, which did no good. He lied to the counselor, too...

So instead, I went back to work -- I'd happily become a stay-at-home mom when my daughter was born -- so I'd have some money of my own, but it wasn't really enough to allow me to support myself in the manner to which I'd become accustomed, so I didn't take any action to separate at that time.

It took my ex's then girlfriend moving to town, and his installing her in the apartment complex we'd lived in prior to buying a house, before I finally took action to file for divorce.

And then, if you can believe it, he even had the nerve to suggest that the girlfriend use the same daycare provider we were using, so there was always a chance I'd run into her when I went to pick up the kids...

Well, that's all in the past... Long story short is that the girlfriend moved to town, we divorced, five years later I met and married Steve, and we all agreed on joint custody of the kids. (I wanted them to know their father, so I didn't press for sole custody, though my divorce lawyer thought I was crazy.)

My ex did not marry the girlfriend. Eventually she moved away, though she came back to help him a year or so later, when he was diagnosed with non-Hodgekin's lymphoma.

Three years after Steve and I married -- so 8 years after the divorce -- my ex died.

Lord knows, I never would have wished him to die so young, especially of such a gruesome disease. But I've always kind of wondered if it was God's punishment for the way my ex treated me...



Edited by Anne Holmes (05/14/11 10:46 PM)
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#212885 - 05/15/11 04:44 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: Anne Holmes]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10010
Loc: New York State
You do wonder: His Word says God fights our battles if we let Him. The woman my ex left me for, now has inoperable cancer. A couple enemies, I didn't know I had, have died; some are in circumstances where a little peace in the valley would a welcomed thing; and the biggest devil of all, has been so busy trying to flatten me, she'll surely show her demonic side one of these days.
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#212890 - 05/15/11 11:01 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: jabber]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3191
Loc: Illinois
Wow, Jabber, that is hugely impactful information.

I have never shared with anyone else my thoughts that tied my ex's death to the way he wronged me. I've thought about telling others of it, but I always worried people would think I was nutty. But your stories powerfully corroborate my personal experience.

Anyone else have stories they can share about God fighting their battles for them?
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#212905 - 05/17/11 12:54 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: Anne Holmes]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10010
Loc: New York State
Anne,
IMO this is probably too touchy of a subject for very many folks.
But deep in my heart I don't think it ever pays to try an
avenage the injustices other people have done to you. Life has a way of equalizing everything.
_________________________
"MOLLIE'S FOLLIES" by Bonnie Mill-Lemke, aka Jabber, is available at the Kindle Store and in paperback on Amazon.com.
URL - https://www.amazon.com/author/bonnie.mill-lemke

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#212959 - 05/19/11 02:02 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: jabber]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10010
Loc: New York State
"How Long Should One Suffer?" Don't suffer. Life is too short!
In a toxic relationship? Let it go!!!
_________________________
"MOLLIE'S FOLLIES" by Bonnie Mill-Lemke, aka Jabber, is available at the Kindle Store and in paperback on Amazon.com.
URL - https://www.amazon.com/author/bonnie.mill-lemke

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#213376 - 06/11/11 10:59 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: jabber]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I agree one hundred percent jabber. Life is too darn short to have to suffer at all at someone elses hands.
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#213406 - 06/13/11 10:31 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: chatty lady]
MustangGal
Unregistered


I'd love to read more stories in which God fights their battles.

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#214416 - 08/22/11 02:43 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: chatty lady]
RedHendoo Offline


Registered: 08/22/11
Posts: 2
Most individuals men as well as women stay in toxic marriages from fear of the unknown. How will I survive on my own is the big question. If it's abusive there is no time limit, exit. God intended us to be Champions in this life not punching bags.
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#214422 - 08/22/11 07:03 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: RedHendoo]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3191
Loc: Illinois
Wonderful advice, RedHendoo!

My mother soon learned after marrying my father that he could be abusive at times. She never knew who would come home from work, Dr. Jeckyl or Mr Hyde.

As she puts it, we all learned to walk on eggshells so as not to arouse the terrible temper.

She began confiding in me when I was very young, and probably told me a lot of things she shouldn't have shared with a child.

One of the biggest things I remember is that she told me her mother told her to take us kids and walk away from the marriage; but she waited so long to take that advice that my sister and I were married and my brother in college before she took action.

She said she didn't do this earlier, as she didn't know how she would have supported us or where she could have turned.

I don't know what options were actually available to her back in the 60s, but I have come to understand that MANY MANY of the kids I grew up with -- in an affluent community, by the way -- were all secretly living with horrible situations at home. Drink, drugs, sex and infidelity -- all were lurking just below the well-varnished surface.
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#214441 - 08/23/11 10:59 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: Anne Holmes]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
My father was a Jackyl/Hyde character also and very hard to live with. My mother divorced him as we kids grew older and we all insisted on it. He had a mental illness thats for sure.
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#214650 - 09/10/11 12:15 AM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: chatty lady]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Thank God my stepfather was a kind, loving man to my mom. They had many great years together and he spoiled her rotten which she deserved. But he passed away so she is alone again in her later years.
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#214659 - 09/10/11 11:12 PM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: chatty lady]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10010
Loc: New York State
Sorry about your stepfather's passing, Chatty! Glad he was good to your mom, though!
_________________________
"MOLLIE'S FOLLIES" by Bonnie Mill-Lemke, aka Jabber, is available at the Kindle Store and in paperback on Amazon.com.
URL - https://www.amazon.com/author/bonnie.mill-lemke

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#214664 - 09/11/11 01:23 AM Re: How Long should one suffer? [Re: Anne Holmes]
lindasusan Offline


Registered: 10/25/09
Posts: 93
Loc: NJ
Unfortunately, also in the 1960's I think there still was that stigma about divorced women. We've come a long way baby!

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