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#208604 - 10/26/10 08:13 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
It doesn't seem to matter how old a person is, or whether you
had a good or bad relationship with them, when someone leaves
this earth, it's a shock. It saddens the heart and hurts the
senses. Even if it's expected. The pain runs deep. My sympathy
to all of you who've lost a family member in recent days.
I recently lost someone I loved very, very deeply. And I know
your hurt. The day I lost my adoptive mother, I thought I'd never
get over it. I was saddened beyond belief. God's blessings on
all of you!!!

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#208607 - 10/26/10 10:16 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: jabber]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
Hi Jabber,

The Lord's blessings and my condolences to you, too, over the loss the person you mention above, who you cared for so deeply.

As I read your post, I am thinking you mean this is someone new - someone other than your adoptive mother.
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#208627 - 10/28/10 02:30 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Hi Anne,
Yes. I'm referring to my best friend of four decades, plus. She was aged and had been down'n out for the past five years. But
a sadness entered my being that I don't think I'll ever get over, when they put her in the ground. She and I spent a lot of time together and I see her face everywhere I go. She said she'd wait for me at Heaven's Gate. So she left me with something to
look forward to.

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#208642 - 10/29/10 04:03 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: jabber]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3212
Loc: Illinois
Jabber,

How special to have such a good friend for such a long time. and she's waiting for you, too. Here's hoping she is willing to wait a long time... We need you here.
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#208649 - 10/29/10 01:49 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: Anne Holmes]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Anne,
What sweet post. Thank you. I can feel, you have a beautiful spirit. Blessings...

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#208676 - 10/30/10 07:59 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: jabber]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL

A new post- yesterday was the sad (10th) anniversary of my Mom's passing. She was using for the first time, and inhaler prescribed by the dr. when she was having breathing problems due to(undiagnosed) emphysema (after the fact diag.) , and her airways shut down, with the most dire circumstances despite the best cpr my brother in law gave and the best attention from ems called to my sister's home...can you imagine their pain in this regard. I've felt guilty about this for all this time, because Mom called me the day before and I could tell she was having problems, and advised she go to the doctor. She went the next morning. The doctor did not know her whole medical history,had seen her in the past but not regular - and made excuses(she didn't take care of herself, she was depressed after your dad's passing, etc...just a load of crap) after, she did not recover from her coma that ensued after we did make the decision to take out the breathing apparatus, knowing her wishes in that light and her living will. It was a very long passage of pain for all of us, the doctors (in the hospital, neurology and pathology) in light of that were clinical but understanding to our pain and made Mom as very comfortable as possible, considering the situation. A long passage of 10 days til her burden was relieved. I wish I had had the courage to go after that doctor, he was very cavalier and made a lot of excuses at Mom's deathbed. I know others have had the same path when the DNR issue is a part of the equasion, and I am not garnering any sympathy in that path, please believe me. I just still am sad. I miss her often and know she is in a better place, but I am still very angry at myself. Yes, I know I should seek counselling there.. and I know it wouldn't have done any good to go after her primary care dr. .I have been told much in that light, in all the aspects...it won't make it right, and I have made some sort of peace, but still it's hard. When does it ever get easier in this regard...thanks for listening! Does it ever get easier.. Sorry to unburden so. this is one good place to put your heart and soul on a plate and never feel compromised, and I really appreciate that. I like just being able to voice this after so long, and I hope you guys understand.

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#208677 - 10/30/10 09:35 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: judym]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Hi, Judy. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. In my former career as a nurse, I saw many situations like the one you describe. It's never easy when a parent, or other loved one, dies. Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to fully heal. I understand about being angry with yourself, but it doesn't do any good to play the 'what-if' game.

I hope you find the complete peace you need. I'm not sure we ever get over a death; but I think the pain does recede over time. We all grieve at a different rate; one person gets over something more quickly than someone else does. Since we are all different and unique, so is our grieving.
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#208678 - 10/30/10 10:33 PM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Judy, I can relate somewhat to your pain. My Mom's death (9 years ago yesterday) was also fraught with agonizing frustration at the inability of the doctors to search beyond her diabetes and other surface problems. When I first took her into emergency, they said it was a bladder infection and told me to take her home. I refused, saying there was something more. Then they did x-rays, found an old disc fracture in her spine...used that to explain her difficulties, but my instincts still weren't satisified. I actually had a breakdown, crying because I was so frustrated that nobody would listen. Finally, we managed to get her admitted to the orthopedic ward because of the spinal x-ray. That morning, as the doctors were doing their rounds, the head doctor roared, "what's this woman doing here"...my poor tiny white-haired 76-year old Mother lying in that bed was devastated and started crying (I hardly ever saw my Mom cry). I became very angry (unusual for me back then) and raged right back at the doctor "this is my Mom, there's something seriously wrong with her and she's here so you can find out what it is!" The doctor backed right down and sheepishly said, "ok, I would do the same thing for my Mother too".

Then they moved her to another hospital to the geriatric assessment unit. Kept her there for a month, and by the end of the month still had not found something that would explain the problems we had been seeing for months. One nurse even accused her to her face (poor Mom was sitting in a wheelchair in the common area vomiting in front of everyone when my brother, hubby and I arrived) that she was faking it for attention. We immediately had her removed from my Mom's care and the new nurse was much more compassionate. It took an amazingly frustrating amount of whining and advocating on our part to get someone to take us seriously...one doctor FINALLY gave her an MRI and found that she was FULLLLL of cancer...everywhere, spine, hips, legs - WHY hadn't they found it before we asked...doctor's response, we didn't look for it.

After that, they moved her to the back of beyond, way off in a corner of a much-neglected ward for terminally ill. It would take too long to tell you what she suffered there. Suffice to say that if we didn't get there early enough, she didn't get to eat, because nobody would make sure that her tray was close enough for her to reach...deep rings around her bum because they would leave her on the toilet for 2 hours at time (we found that one out from her roommate). It was devastating. I had to leave work several hours early to feed, wash and clothe my Mom for bed, then go back to work from 8pm to midnight to finish my workload. It was horrendous beyond words. We finally managed to get her moved to a beautiful compassionate hospice across town, but she died the day after the move.

I have lived with such guilt all these years, for the way my Mom was treated in those last two months of her life. This was a woman who was a volunteer in the hospital volunteer organization for over 50 years, who tirelessly campaigned and fund-raised for expensive machines and everything the local hospital could ever need. If we had been able to get her in the hospital where she had done all that volunteer work, she would have been treated like royalty. But in our hospital, she was treated like dirt.

Ironically, I found out, in Cuba of all places, from a public relations employee at that hospital (on vacation in Cuba) that the reason my Mom was treated so terribly was soley because of the DNR note on her file. She explained the reasons why, then promised that she would take my story back to work and she promised that change would happen. A few years later, there was a huge series in our local newspaper about the changes that had been made to the way terminally ill geriatric patients were treated. She was the main spokeswoman for the entire article, and though she never mentioned my Mother by name, I knew that my Mom's story had been the driving force behind her passion and hard work to bring changes to the system.

I'm sorry this was so long. But I too feel such pain and guilt even now...we can't go back and change history, but I hope I've learned enough from that experience to deal with future situations much differently. It's all we can do. I also talked with my Mom (through prayer) and asked her to forgive me, and felt a deep peace...wherever she is, she knows the why and all the reasons behind the decisions made at that time, she knows we made them out of love and care and with the best info we had at the time. It's helped heal the guilt.


Edited by Eagle Heart (10/30/10 10:37 PM)
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#208679 - 10/31/10 12:31 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: Eagle Heart]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
Eagle Heart, I feel your pain also. When my mom was lying there in a coma, the doctor had the nerve to say "and we don't know what's going on else in there". He was treating her as dispensable, cause he didn't nor wouldn't take the time to order prior procedures. It turned out that Mom was diabetic and after I did research on the inhaler, it gave explicit warnings not to be used in that case. It was a total nightmare. I know what you are saying, my dear sweet mother in law overcame ovarian cancer to come back on her past the 5 year aspect, and when she was diagnosed once again, the doctor didn't even have the courage to tell her it was back. He left that to my husband. What a horrible aspect. I am sorry for your pain and all the pain that comes with the loss of a parent. Many thanks for your post and that DNR is a hanging sword for the loved ones..but we do have to honor wishes and all, I just wish I had stood up when I needed to. And I hate that you live with the same guilt also. It's a horrible passage- you just try to cope and when the anniversaries come up you just cringe and cry.

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#208680 - 10/31/10 12:38 AM Re: Conflicted [Re: yonuh]
judym Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/05
Posts: 156
Loc: AL
I appreciate your input, and know as your experience as a nurse, yes you have seen this way too often. One of the meager but still major blessings we did have were the nurses in ICU and on the floor after Mom had her tube removed (all verdicts there were that she wouldn't survive that, she was one tough lady and it was hard) . Our first couple nights there in ICU, we were trying to sleep on chairs in her room- it was so uncomfortable and cold in there, but we were awake and wary and alert to any change in the machinery tones and the miracles we prayed for. a kind of half in half out existence. The wonderful nurses brought us heated blankets and draped them on us while we tried to sleep. They were so comforting and did lull us into a comfort. I never will forget that and that was such a wonderful thing they did in the light of such awfulness. I will always appreciate them, and know that nurses carry the feeling and compassion of their selves in their career path. I admire that so.

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