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#208478 - 10/18/10 12:30 PM Bullies Often Target Domestic Violence Abuse Victi

The victim of violence at home is traumatized by a domineering, control-driven partner. The victim's psychological boundaries against attacks have been compromised by repeated assaults by that destructive partner.

They have little ability or energy left to ward off attacks at work, too. Bullies often seize the opportunity. We know that bullies choose to attack the first day heart attack victims return to work, the day that ends maternity leave, the first day back after chemotherapy begins. In similar fashion, cowardly tyrants attack when they see that a battering spouse or partner has broken resistance after a domestic dispute. Bullies choose to pounce when the Target is her weakest. This sick situation reveals the darkest side of humanity.

Unfortunately, the dual victim -- domestic violence and bullying -- is doubly likely to turn inward, to keep the pain to herself. Employers already predisposed to ignore life in the trenches and to support the bully's version of reality there will find it difficult to believe the cruelty that actually happens. This empowers the bully to continue without fear of consequences.

Definition of Workplace Bullying:

Workplace Bullying is repeated, health-harming mistreatment of one or more persons (the targets) by one or more perpetrators that takes one or more of the following forms:

Verbal abuse
Offensive conduct/behaviors (including nonverbal) which are threatening, humiliating, or intimidating
Work interference sabotage which prevents work from getting done

Workplace Bullying...

Is driven by perpetrators' need to control the targeted individual(s).

Is initiated by bullies who choose their targets, timing, location, and methods.

Escalates to involve others who side with the bully, either voluntarily through coercion.

Undermines legitimate business interests when bullies' personal agendas take precedence over work itself.

Is akin to domestic violence at work, where the abuser is on the payroll.

Being bullied at work most closely resembles the experience of being a battered spouse. The abuser inflicts pain when and where she or he chooses, keeping the target (victim) off balance knowing that violence can happen on a whim, but dangling the hope that safety is possible during a period of peace of unknown duration. The target is kept close to the abuser by the nature of the relationship between them -- husband to wife or boss to subordinate or co-worker to co-worker.

Edited by MustangGal (10/18/10 12:33 PM)

#208479 - 10/18/10 12:38 PM Re: Bullies Often Target Domestic Violence Abuse Victi [Re: ]

OK, given the above, I hate to admit that I found myself in this abusive cycle. I'm tired of it. I now recognize why I worked with such bullies. I knew not otherwise b/c of my childhood molestation and abusive marriage.

I was fired from a job after the below living hell:

After 1 week of employment I was told to FU, FO, screw you, middle fingered, called every foul name possible, pinched to get my attention -- leaving bruises, poked with fingernails, vehicle alarm triggered on several and repeated occasions, death threats, inappropriate questioning with regard to my personal life and private property, blamed for mistakes of my predecessor, and found myself making mistakes b/c due to the bullying tactics of my coworkers. I was also blamed for another individual's mistakes and called a whore and slut. The senior partner attorney I worked for made inappropriate remarks and said he did not feel that I felt comfortable in my own skin. My predecessor would raise her hand with palm toward me as if to slap me, sometimes she would swing and then stop.

I complained not once, not twice, not thrice, but exactly 4 times and each request was met with a "some people are more colorful than others" or a shrug. I lived in constant fear and hid twice in the stairwell or went to another floor to eat lunch to escape the foul language, sarcasm, and threats.

Edited by MustangGal (10/18/10 12:39 PM)

#208480 - 10/18/10 01:01 PM Re: Bullies Often Target Domestic Violence Abuse Victi [Re: ]

Often, office politics aren't revealed to new hires for weeks, even months. By the time they realize how toxic the workplace is, it's too late to bow out gracefully.

You've heard the old saying: "Don't judge another person until you have walked a mile in their shoes."

Well, lets flip that.

After the treatment I received from the women (they most certainly were not ladies) who bullied me, someone recently told me:

"One of the things that helped was to remind myself how much worse I thought it would be to wake up and find myself in the body and mind of one of those bullies. It made me feel more hopeful to be in my own skin. I really think that I'd rather be me in the situation and wouldn't trade places with a bully for anything! And underneath all the bluster and behaviour, I think the bullies would rather they were someone else too. They'd like to be someone like you."

I can't stomach the thought of being the kind of person who could throw others under a bus.

Edited by MustangGal (10/18/10 01:02 PM)

#218708 - 03/09/13 02:41 PM Re: Bullies Often Target Domestic Violence Abuse Victi [Re: Anonymous]
sneaux beaux Offline

Registered: 03/09/13
Posts: 3
Loc: Texas
I see this was posted a long time ago, but I hope you are still around. This is exactly what happened recently to me. I took abuse for 5 years at my job and didn't report it because we were all made to feel in the department that it would be ten times worse if we told on her. It took me 5 years to finally break the silence to protect myself and the department. And the HR person did say almost the exact thing. Underneath I'm sure much of the jealousy from this person toward others is that she is miserable. We are now being protected from higher up. But it's good to know that this stuff does go on. Not that it does, but that it's something that happens and is understood by HR persons.
The Hokey Pokey IS what it's all about.

#218721 - 03/12/13 02:23 PM Re: Bullies Often Target Domestic Violence Abuse Victi [Re: sneaux beaux]
jabber Offline

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10031
Loc: New York State
Hey Mustang,
I can't imagine being the kind of person that would throw another person under the bus, either.
Don't know how people live with themselves, when they're responsible for destroying the lives of other people!

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