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#206383 - 08/03/10 11:32 PM Taking Advantage
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
A gal I know from here was married some 22 year ago for 16 years and got divorced with two kids from the union. Her husband had a child before they married that was two. The girl gave my friend nothing but trouble all her life with them, really serious hateful stuff and she is sure it had much to do with the divorce between them. Now the girl is 23 and every year shows up on my friends doorstep with a bouquet of flowers and stays in her home for weeks. She never puts her hand in her pocket or purse and lives high on the hog. Borrows the car, stays out all hours and even borrows her clothes.

My friend called me all upset as to what to do? I listened to the entire sroty AGAIN!!! Happens every year. Finally I said, kick her ass out! She hated you her whole life but now that you have a great job (she's a showgirl) making boo-coo bucks; she wants to now you again. That's cowpies and you know it. you owe this girl squat! So in order to make it seem as if she wasn't being mean my friend told the girl if she wanted to visit she would have to pay her own way, and the kid said: Why you have lots of money? My friend finally got smart and didn't say another word, she simply went into her room and began packing the brats suitcase(s). The girl called her every name she could think of and walked out slamming the door behind her. CASE CLOSED...
Would you have given her different advice, or was I right?
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#206406 - 08/04/10 01:27 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: chatty lady]
Anno Offline

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
You were right. But, I bet this is not the end of the drama.
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#206414 - 08/04/10 07:41 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Anno]
Edelweiss2 Offline

Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
I agree.
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

#206504 - 08/05/10 06:50 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Edelweiss2]
Dee Offline

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Good for your friend!
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

#207305 - 09/02/10 01:19 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Dee]
jabber Offline

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10020
Loc: New York State
Having lived through a step-parenting thing firsthand with my best friend, your advice was right on the money, IMO. Let's hope the "brat" doesn't return again. "Step" issues are on very sensitive ground. At least that's been my own experience.

#207307 - 09/02/10 03:56 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: jabber]
Ellemm Offline

Registered: 11/04/08
Posts: 601
My advice would have been a little different. Actually, I think what your friend did was kind of awful. Did she want the girl gone or did she want her to pay her own way? I see no reason to 'pretend' to be nice when you are actually asking someone to leave. Just do it already. But even if your friend resented it, she allowed her stepdaughter to come into her home as a guest. It's her own fault for letting someone take advantage of her. The time to change things should have been before she showed up or before she got in the door.

I just think that once you let someone occupy a bedroom, particularly if you have done it in the past, you have extended your hospitality and the other person has a right -- even if that person is a user -- to think things will go as they have in the past. If I went to someone's home thinking I was a guest and my hostess demanded money for my stay, I'd be out of there in a shot. But I'd be mostly angry that she changed the 'rules' on me without telling me ahead of time.

Yeah, I'm glad your friend finally stood up for herself, but she did it in about the worst way possible. I think she really should have just refused her entrance in the first place and told her the truth. I know she doesn't like the girl, but she really missed her chance to give her some guidance about being a guest and taking advantage of people. Quiet words might have still left her unhappy but might have stuck in her head. Now she will just think your friend went a little crazy -- after all, she did let her in -- and threw her out, and won't think about her own behavior at all.

Edited by Ellemm (09/02/10 03:58 PM)

#207309 - 09/02/10 06:57 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Ellemm]
Dancing Dolphin Offline

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
One key element here is that the child was only 2 years old when the divorce happened, and since you say "she gave them nothing but trouble all her life with them", I can't imagine what was so bad at the ages of two through 10 or so.

A relationship should have had the opportunity to grow from toddlerhood, but for some reason it didn't develop in a loving way. Was the step mother supportive of her daughter? Did she live with them or did she only visit? What the the ex-wife doing or saying that could have caused problems?

This is a much more complex issue than just not paying your way. This is a young woman who may be needing a relationship with someone, not getting kicked out. How is the relationship with her father? Did the ex-wife re-marry? All of these things factor into it.

#207311 - 09/02/10 07:22 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Ellemm]
Anne Holmes Administrator Offline
Boomer in Chief

Registered: 03/12/10
Posts: 3198
Loc: Illinois
Wow! I'm not going to try to speak to the past, the situation which led up to the step-daughter leaving, as that is in the past now...

What matters now is really how things will progress in their relationship going forward. It sounds to me like the stepdaughter will "virtuously" tell everyone that her step-mom went off her rocker in her presence, and even thought she "did nothing to cause it," she was kicked out.

Meanwhile the step-mom is feeling proud of herself for finally taking action, and no longer feeling like a doormat...

The challenge is going to show up when the time comes -- and it will -- that the two of them need to communicate with each other or be in each other's presence for some reason. Could be a family illness, could be a family event such as a death or a wedding.

The fact is, IMHO they were both wrong in their actions and reactions. I predict there will be "blood," hypothetically speaking, before things finally get ironed out.

I suspect that the only way to avert this is for the step-mom to call the step-daughter now, and "eat a little crow" by apologizing for her "bizarre" actions --even though I am sure she feels no need to do this, because in her mind she is in the right -- and invite the step daughter for a chat so they can "iron things out now, before things fester and get worse between them."

They ought to meet in a neutral zone -- such as a restaurant or park or other public space where they can talk -- and the step-mom needs to tell the step-daughter how she feels taken advantage of. And then use the "detente" as an opportunity for a "teaching moment," where she explains to the step-daughter how proper house guests behave.

I'd do it now, so that peace can reign in the family and the hurts on each side don't have a chance to grow larger fueled by time and distance.

Not sure others will share my feelings, but that's my two cents worth, gained through growing up in a periodically dysfunctional family. (Didn't we all, to some degree?)
Boomer in Chief of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.

#207312 - 09/02/10 07:45 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Anne Holmes]
Mountain Ash Offline

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Looking at the issue from the girls point of view..
she borrows clothes..gets off with it...
she uses a car...stays out late...gets off with it..its the small details that add up to a whole respect sows seeds for harmony

if the final blow up came out of the blue she may be totally unaware that she has been taking liberties..
so its stalemate and like Anne I feel that its the future that matters.

looking at a topic from all sides can aid clear thinking.

#207317 - 09/02/10 10:28 PM Re: Taking Advantage [Re: Mountain Ash]
jabber Offline

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10020
Loc: New York State
I am not nor never have been a step parent and guess it's a good
thing. I'm looking at the situation from Chatty's and her friend's point of view. It's difficult to see a dear friend
misused again and again. Ellemm, DD, Anne are feeling the
girl's pain. And it's good to look at all sides of an issue.
I'm unable to do that here. Right now.

Edited by jabber (09/02/10 10:29 PM)

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