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#205801 - 07/16/10 04:46 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
orchid Offline

Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I stayed overnight with my parents for the lst their house 15 yrs. just a few wks. ago. Methinks my parents had forgotten what it was like to have one of their children, even if adult, stay over. (Every one of my siblings else has their own place in same city.) It was a major event, rearranging stuff just to accommodate me.

It was abit sad to me since my father has prostate cancer but still mobile, etc. But we didn't dwell on it. Somehow I had a powerful feeling they wanted to believe it was like it used be for them....normal, everyday, it was over 30-25 yrs. ago, when their children were just about ready to fly the coop. That golden phase in life for some families. When things are just about to change forever.

Dee, I have a mother who swears (in Chinese) and makes fishwife like jokes privately, has lousy bad temper, etc. But she has given selflessly alot to us. She is NOT the stereotyped old mother dainty and all polite all the time. Sometimes I wish she could be the sweet-tempered old soul. But she is not. She is herself.

The visit went quite well this time, better than I expected...again a foreboding sense, this might be the last of "normal times" before someone's health deterioriates.
_________________________ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)

#205802 - 07/16/10 11:38 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: orchid]
Mountain Ash Offline

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Dee you said

think when that happens, a fair united front, children are taught so much more than showing respect. It shows a partnership and responsibility to teach your children how to show and give respect to the most important man and woman in their life.

Absolutly..the partnership of parenting.when possible.
It teaches more than the issue at teaches gender roles..expectations..values..

but as well as being united when there is conflict there has to be positive feedback when things are going well.

We always celebrate birthdays.have a cake for every family member..special cakes for decades ..Just our tradition.

#205805 - 07/16/10 01:59 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Mountain Ash]
Dee Offline

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Orchid...I'm certain you staying with your family made them feel so good. I'm sorry to hear about your dad's prostrate condition. It must be hard for your family. It sounds like you know who your mom is and have accepted her for that. Despite her colorful character to hear you ackowledge her sacrafice shows you understand the mom in her. Her accommodating things for your stay was sweet and such a mom thing to do. Give your mom and dad a hug for me and for you, dear lady, an extra big one.

MA...absolutely true...positive feedback is so vital, too. It's so important for a child's sense of self and wellbeing. When there is conflict between parents and it's shown in front of the child, the child can learn to manipulate and alienate the parents.
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

#205806 - 07/16/10 02:07 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
Edelweiss3 Offline

Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
MA, I too want to say how much I appreciate your feelings, and am happy for you that your children treat you with love and respect. That’s how I always treated my parents, and that’s why my situation is so much harder to understand.

I just had to share something. Today my computer guy came over. While he was here, his mother called him twice. Honestly it would make any mother’s heart melt to hear how this 38 year old man spoke to his Mom; - So much love and tender humor. I sat there, and thought; what does his mom have that I don’t have?

Well, I asked him. I told him how I listened with envy to his converstations with his mother. And I told him I wished I had such a relationship with my son.

He looked at me silently for a moment, and then said, “Just let him be what he is, and just accept him with all his faults.”

“I doooo!” I whined, and told him that my son has a lot of stress in his life, and can’t seem to separate me from the others. His attitude is not from anything I have done to him.

Then my computer guy, took me in his arms, and comforted me. Oh boy,…I needed that.
And then he said, when my son calls again, which he will some day, because he will need us for something, I should hold back on any confrontations. I should show him that I’m sad, though. For example, my son may call, and act like nothing has ever happened. Instead of me asking why hasn’t he called sooner, or what the heck is wrong, I should just sound sad, and not say much. By doing this, my computer, genius, guy said, I am allowing my son to develop his own guilt trip. And what happens if someone is one a guilt trip? They try to make good. They try harder.

Wow,…I thought that was brilliant. He’s so right. As long as I question my son, as long as I even reprimand him, he is busy defending himself,…and in no way has any room for a guilt trip.

Thought I would pass this word from my genius, computer, groovy guy on…and hope it helps, like it has helped me.

I embrace you all; - daughters, mothers, happy or sad,… whatever. It’s a beautiful day.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.

#205825 - 07/16/10 08:03 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Edelweiss3]
Dee Offline

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
EW...I hope it works for you...I honestly do...I don't think it's that simple for you or me but I will pray that it will work.
When I've tried to show my sad feelings I got 'guilt trips don't work on me'. Lovely thing to say to your mom.
I think I will be there with Chatty and my friend Nancy. Hugging you back daughters, mothers, is a beauitful day.
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

#205830 - 07/16/10 11:34 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
Happy Birthday Dancing Dolphin Offline

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
As the daughter who is constantly being "guilt-tripped", I really don't know if that's the best idea. It might build guilt, but do you really want your son to feel guilty or obligated to contact you?

I would want my kids to contact me because they want to, not because they should. I'm finding as they live on their own, that they don't call as often or stop by as often as I'd like, but I try to remember that they have their own lives, their own friends, their own issues that I know nothing about.

I do show respect to my mom, out of the need to keep things going smoother for her. She's all alone and complains all the time, but won't do anything about it. It's hard to listen to. When I was younger, she harped about my boyfriends and made negative comments about things I wore or what I did. Those types of comments built anger and resentment and worked a hole into any relationship we might have had.

When my parents found out I was having sex with my husband-to-be, they gave me an ultimatum. Leave him or leave them. I left them and they didn't expect that. We didn't speak for a year, which allowed me to build an even stronger bond with my partner, and you know, they started inviting me to family events but excluded him. They never accepted him or treated him well until we got married 7 years later. By then, the void was there and it's never been stitched back up.

In contrast, my hubby's parents did not like or approve of our choice, but they stayed in touch, invited us both to gatherings and making us feel comfortable. Because of that, I became closer to my mother-in-law than to my own mother.

You aren't going to change your child. You just need to set a good, open, welcoming example to him and his friends. Unless his friends/partners are doing something illegal, try to see past their faults. Not everyone was raised with the good manners your kids were. They may need to spend time with you to see how things should be done. Watching you, not hearing you tell it.

I am trying to learn to butt out of my kids lives (although it's not working well with their dog, as I posted earlier) and just be here for them if they need me. They need to find their own way, yet know that I am always here for them if they have questions or problems or need help.

I am only speaking from my experience. I was not a fly on the wall when you had conversations with your kids and their friends or partners. Only you know how you might have said something, or how it could have been said gentler, or maybe not at all.

And if you said what you felt you needed to, and they way it needed to be said, then your son has the issue, not you. And as others on here have said, we have to learn to make our own happiness and not rely on others for it.

I know, way easier said that done, especially when it comes to our children.

Love you all... hugs....

#205835 - 07/17/10 01:34 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dancing Dolphin]
chatty lady Offline

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I have personaqlly tried that fror many years now Edelweiss and it hasn't worked. My son thinks when I'm quiet, and then says "mom I'm sorry and will visit more often or at least call once a week just to hear your laugh." But he never does. He talks a good game however.

I think time is our enemy, his and mine. We get busy with life and time passes quickly. I for one still can't believe I am the age I am. When did I get this age anyway? Unfortunately when we aren't thinking of time we lose it, and soon it's too late because someone is "gone forever," and no words or guilt will bring them back, or the precious time we could have spent with them, not ever.
I have given up as I said earlier and will do whatever I have to do to live the rest of my life where and how it makes me happy before its too late. I have given my time to my family trying to make them happy and then when it comes to me, oh well!!!
Take a peek at my BLOG:

#205841 - 07/17/10 01:20 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: chatty lady]
Dee Offline

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
That's all you can do Chatty...that's all you can do.
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

#205857 - 07/18/10 05:34 PM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Dee]
Edelweiss2 Offline

Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
Two nights ago, our granddaughter called and invited us to come to Daddy’s house to barbeque. This was at 8:00 pm, and it’s an hours drive to their place. I asked to speak to “A’s” daddy.
This is how the conversation went:
“Do you really want us to come this late?”
His reply: “"A" wants it.”
“And you? Do you want us to come?”
“I can deal with it.”
(Mind you, we had eaten, and were ready to call it a day.)
I repeated, “You can deal with it?” (in a sad tone, not whining)
Then I said, “sorry but we have already eaten and it’s too late to drive out. By the time we get there “A” will be ready for bed.”
( By the way,… I think this is the first time I ever said no to him.)
I then heard him say to his daughter, “Your grandparents aren’t coming,” and he hung up.

I understand DD that there are usually two sides to a story. And the sad thing about having an estranged child is that most people ask; what have the parents done to cause this. But in my case, Dee’s and Chatty’s there are no valid reasons to be treated as such. I can say with a clear conscience that my husband nor I have done anything to provoke or anger our son. Just the opposite; we have spoiled him and have helped him out of countless situations.

In your case, with your Mom, there seems to be a lot of hard feelings that go way back when. My parents were terribly strict too, But they were brought up that way, and knew no other way of disciplining. I truly believe most parents do the best they can. Expectations usually run too high on both sides, and I am, by far, no exception. ( … so when will you send me the locks to braid?)

Dee and Chatty, if this guilt trip method doesn’t bring our son back, I will let go. I’m just at the beginning stage here, and I guess it’s normal to try everything.

Orchid, I bet your parents were delighted that you stayed at their house. Just being there and showing you care, is the biggest present you can give your parents.
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

#205865 - 07/19/10 02:34 AM Re: Inconsiderate Kid!!! [Re: Edelweiss2]
Happy Birthday Dancing Dolphin Offline

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
I understand. I think even though I have hard feelings for my mom, I am still civil to her. I would not do what your son did, and probably blame it on grandma and A will be dissappointed but of course it won't be his fault.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you all. I could experience it myself with my kids sooner or later.

EW, I think I'll have to visit you, or you me, to do the braiding bit. Would you like your hair brushed in return?

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