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#204915 - 06/21/10 05:36 PM Mothers of adult addicts
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV
Don't get hung up on the word "mother" because it could just as easily say grandma or sister the main point is no matter what your relationship to the addict - you suffer along with them. I am a mother.
I am not an authority on this subject but I certainly have lived it. Lived through the process of addiction and seen what it has done to my child and to our family.
Perhaps by telling our stories we can help someone else or at least help them in not feeling so alone.

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#204923 - 06/21/10 10:24 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV
My son is an addict. Started many years and still continues today. I can recall the first time without any doubt that I knew in my heart and mind that he was doing drugs. He came in late one night with a friend of his and because my husband wouldn't shake his friends hands our son became combative. My husband a marine couldn't handle him so our oldest son came running and they both finally were able to restrain him. By that time I had already called the police (against my husband's wishes) and they had arrived. I met the officer outside and informed him of the situation and he informed me that he could take him to jail if that is what I desired. The next morning we were at the courthouse and the attorney press that our son go to rehab and the judge ordered it. He hated it and wanted to come home but stay he did for the 28 or 30 days. Sadly he learned nothing from rehab but he did learn from that night never to touch his father again because his butt would go to jail - mom's rule. He eventually progressed from oxycotin to heroin. Once he used in my home and the next morning I told him to leave and why. They have so many excuses for needing money and all they want it for is to buy drugs. I don't finance drugs. He would come to our home talking so sweet until he realized we were not giving him any money then he would suddenly lose his sweetness. Then we would be placed on ignore guess that was our punishment.
My husband was/is quite heart broken by his son. He has been for years hopeful in some way that he would turn his life around. He calls me a hard women but I know he means it in a loving way. This is not the child I raised and this is not the way we brought him up. This is a choice he has made and he will have to deal with the consequences. He is a middle age man now so not much I can do however I never let an opportunity pass when I know the situation is prime for him getting help. Once he called and told me how bad his feet were swollen and yellowish so I took that opportunity to call 911 and they sent the rescue squad out to his house. I could hear the sirens when they pulled up to his house. He knew what I had done and oh he was so angry. They took him to the emergency room and I met them there. He was dirty, smelled, nasty talking and pretty much out of his head at times. Don't remember how it came about but that night the police took him to a rehab hospital and there he stayed again. Once again upon release he was using again. He did years back come to us for help and I gave him the phone book to call a place. He did and for a year he went to the methodone clinic every morning for his pill. Now he goes to a place called pain management. They supply him with his drugs of methodone, xanax and who knows what else. Still using only now he has a prescription for his drugs. Guess when he is ready he will get his life together and until then all we can do is to remain strong. I am the mother of an adult addict.

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#204930 - 06/22/10 01:39 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Again the women on this forum amazed me. You give so freely of your lives and never omit the pain and destruction, which you could certainly do. But I doubt your heart would let you.

I know without even questioning you that you want the world to learn from your own heartaches and disappointment, and sad experience.

I won't try to tell you to think positive or that you can change what has transpired. That would be insulting and I've never walked in your shoes.

I will say that whenever you need to vent, we're here and listening, reading, and growing because you opened up to us. We may not always comment, but we ARE digesting.

Thank you for sharing your story.

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#204934 - 06/22/10 09:33 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: jawjaw]
Edelweiss2 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
Granny, your story is so heartbreaking. And I can imagine, no matter how often you tell yourself to keep that emotional distance from your son, it hurts, itís frustrating, and Iím sure a lot of anger is there too. I can imagine this is even worse than losing a child to death, because all this is so damn unnecessary! You brought your son into this world, and what is he doing with this given life?
You have done all you can.
Quote:
Climb up on some hill at sunrise. Everybody needs perspective once in a while, and you'll find it there.
-Robb Sagendorph
_________________________
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

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#204950 - 06/23/10 12:18 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Edelweiss2]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I so know what you mean Granny. My youngest son is an addict. He was a tenth degree black belt, health food nut and exceptional Chinese food cook. One night I am told he tried 'crack' while at his job as a bouncer for a band. That was in 1994 and he and his wife lived in my home. I noticed he was becoming abusive so stuck my nose in offering to get him medical help, it was my home afterall and I didn't raise any abusers. Long story short, they moved out and I haven't seen him since. That was 16 years ago. I have cried and worried until my heart just finally seems to have dried up. I don't think of him anymore at all...
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#204955 - 06/23/10 04:04 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: chatty lady]
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV
Thank you for your replies and your understanding. Not easy to write but life isn't alway easy. Yes I want people to have an idea of what parents of addicts go through. They need to come out and seek support instead of blaming themselves for the choice their child chose. I didn't cram a pill (s) down my son's throat, or stuff white stuff up his nose or stick a needle in his arm and don't know of any other parents that have done that either. But there they are feeling guilty and shame over their son's or daughter's decision. My hope is they will come out from seclusion and see that they are not alone.
The saying that "one door never closes without another opening" is so true. I was doing chemo for ovarian cancer when we learned about my son's addiction. It wasn't difficult to be hard on him because here I was fighting for my life while he was throwing his away.
I don't have a hill to climb to seek refuge but I do have a front porch with views of the mountains in a rural area. Morning I have my coffee on the porch as I rock in my rocking chair and the evening a glass of tea. This is my peace.
Yes the women on this site are amazing. Their stories have touched my heart and the replies are so truly concerning that I just know these are wonderful woman.
Thank you, sincerely thank you for all your kindness.

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#204977 - 06/23/10 10:25 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
greene Offline


Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 262
Loc: Atlanta,Georgia
I can only relate to this from the side of the addict. I wasted 4 years of my adult life (from 55 to 59) pouring alcohol down my throat, landing in several hospitals and rehab programs. Finally something clicked (as well as an appropriate mental health diagnosis) and I somehow managed to land with my feet on the ground. All I wanted to add in this conversation is that from this side of the fence you need to know that you are not at fault. No one forced that wine down my throat, I did it all to myself. It is the addict who is doing this to himself for some reason I'm not sure is fully understood even by the folks who study and research the field of substance abuse. I know it may be next to impossible (especially for parents who love to assume quilt) but please, please, instead of beating yourselves up give yourselves the credit you deserve for living through the pain and getting up to try to find peace a day at a time. Again, you are not at fault, your loved ones have a disease called addiction and only they can step up and 'treat' the disease. You can't do it for them.

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#204980 - 06/24/10 02:38 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: greene]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
I was married to an addict for around 25 years. It took a long time for me to realize it wasn't my fault, as my ex kept telling me, but I don't know if I would go back and change anything. My experiences have made me who I am today, and I'm comfortable with me right now.
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#204988 - 06/24/10 07:32 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: yonuh]
greene Offline


Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 262
Loc: Atlanta,Georgia
Yonah, luckily my husband of 37 years only had to live through 4 years of the hell I was putting him and all the family through. I can only imagine how difficult living thru 25 years of it must have been for you. Thankfully I never was mean enough to try to put the blame on him, I was very, very aware of who deserved all the blame, no one but me. It sounds like you have been through a lot and somehow came out at the other end in good shape. Congratulations, you must be a strong and resourceful woman.

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#204991 - 06/24/10 11:06 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: greene]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
I think being married to him is what made me stronger - even if it took 25 years. Guess I'm a slow learner. smile I used to be a meek, retiring little doormat who wouldn't say 'boo' to a goose. Who knew I had it in me!
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#204997 - 06/25/10 11:57 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: yonuh]
greene Offline


Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 262
Loc: Atlanta,Georgia
I'm so glad you found your strength and landed with your feet on the ground. Isn't it amazing that when we dig down deep we often come up with the strength we need to care for ourselves? Absolutely love you quote!

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#205041 - 06/26/10 02:58 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: greene]
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV
Does anyone know why some addicts deny addiction? It puzzles me as to why someone would do that when it is so apparent in a face to face situation they are impaired. Is it denial to themselves?

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#205045 - 06/26/10 04:43 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Because their brains don't function normally. They don't see what they are doing as a problem. Some addicts, maybe the lucky ones, realize they have a problem - eventually - and do something about it. Addicts sometimes just change their drug of choice thinking that solves the problem. But the substance they are addicted to first makes them feel good, but then they need more and more of the substance to get the same good feeling. Intellectually, I can understand it - I was an addictions counselor many, many years ago - but I still don't understand it, if that makes sense. I suppose only someone who has been there can really explain the feelings and thought processes.
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#205059 - 06/26/10 08:35 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: yonuh]
greene Offline


Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 262
Loc: Atlanta,Georgia
I also think part of it is because by admitting to the problem and acknowledging the need for help you are bringing yourself dangerously close to having the substance taken away from you.
The primal need, even on an unconscious level, is to keep steady access to whatever it is you are addicted to. The thought of being without it is terrifying because you just don't think you can be without it without being really sick. So, in a weird convoluted way denial keeps you 'safe' - 'safe' as in no one will try to take your alcohol, drugs whatever away. Your too messed up on the alcohol and drugs to see or think clearly and understand that the reality is that everyone already knows without your telling them and getting out from under the addiction can't happen until you take that scary step of admitting it.
I'm only speaking from my own experience and of people I would talk to when in rehab. It could be very different for others

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#205107 - 06/28/10 10:58 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: greene]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
yonuh, good for you to be able to recognize the changes through the years.

greene, do you work with addicts? If not, you should. You have a gift of eloquently sharing the emotional side.

Granny, not only are you the mother of an adult addict, but you are a very wise and strong mother of an adult addict. I admire your strength and wisdom of using tough love. How is your son today, and how are you?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#205144 - 06/28/10 11:03 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Dotsie]
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV

Shaking out a sheet yesterday raised my hand up over my head and got it caught in the ceiling fan. Didn't break any bones but it is swollen and bruised. Saw my son at his house yesterday and he really looked good and talked like his old self. He is the youngest of the two but still an adult as he is almost 40. We talked about his pills he receives from pain management and withdrawaling from them over time. We talked about our oldest son (his oldest brother) that no one has seen or heard from for about two months. I suspected his useage and refused to let him stay here with out during a urine test. He is a ten year survivor of stage 4 colon cancer and has been on a prescription oxycotin or roxycotin all that time. We only have two sons and both are addicts. A family member came by this weekend and told us that we would have to allow our son into our home if he has no place else to go - she is a counselor and deals with addicts all the time. Still standing firm no addicts where I reside and that is what I was rehashing in my mind when I got my hand caught in that darn ceiling fan. Going to get me a glass of ice tea and sit out on the front porch in my rocker.
I want to share something that happened to me several years back in hopes that it will benefit others in their time of despair.
Had received a strange call from my younger son one day and after hanging up received another call from a family member saying that he was going to commit suicide. Well I lost it for a period of time minute or minutes - don't recall. In my turmoil I had forgotten we had a painter in the house and at some point (after I had calm down) in he came into the living room and checked on me. I told him about the phone call from a family member. He immediately said - let us pray for him. Within months of that prayer my son gave up heroin.
I will never forget that man or that day. We may feel alone at time (and I did that day) but we are never really alone and by knowing that it gives me strength.

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#205170 - 06/29/10 12:54 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
greene Offline


Registered: 07/23/08
Posts: 262
Loc: Atlanta,Georgia
Thank you for the nice words Dotsie. I don't work with addicts but as an alcoholic feel I can share what I went through the 4 yrs I was in the grips of it. Up until my problems started in my 50's I thought I had a decent understanding of substance abuse. Now I'm not sure it is even possible to truly grasp the destruction and pain and degradation of the human soul that it causes until you have felt yourself totally in the grips of the horrible thing and wondered where the person you used to be has disappeared to. I was so lucky to have the support and love of my family as well as the resources to get the help I needed. Anyway, now I feel part of what I should do is try to help others understand the other side of the issue

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#205513 - 07/07/10 12:24 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: greene]
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV
I do enjoy the cool summer nights with the windows open for sleeping but that changed Monday night so have turned the a/c on.
My husband doesn't like a/c as it causes sinus problems for him.
We have a recreation room (where we spend most of our day) with a window unit. Think that will be a good place for him to spend the summer and we can meet up again in the Fall. Does anyone else have this situation? When we do errands I have the a/c on and he turns his vents off and opens the window. Works for us.
Hope everyone is doing fine and enjoying the summer.

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#205527 - 07/07/10 08:53 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
Edelweiss2 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
Granny that was quite a story about how the painter prayed with you. Really got to me. Yes, it's a good feeling to believe we are never really alone.

Since my husband has the "breathing machine" we sleep in seperate rooms. It gets really cool here nights. Great for sleeping.

Greene, I believe your mission not only helps others, but it helps you too. Stay strong. You set a good example for so many.
_________________________
A friend is a gift you give yourself.
-- Robert Louis Stevenson

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#206077 - 07/25/10 12:07 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Edelweiss2]
Granny Offline


Registered: 06/13/10
Posts: 18
Loc: WV
Hello to all,
My computer crashed. Never ever had that happen before and don't want it to happen again. The power went off for a few seconds and even though I have a power surge thing to help with this everything was lost. With a little age on me I don't remember things and it has been difficult to pick up the pieces. Nice to be back and hope all are doing well. Not getting much done outside this summer with the temperatures being what they are - hot. Did get two nice tomatoes off the vine last night. Yummy

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#206078 - 07/25/10 12:23 AM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: Granny]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
I've had two computer crashes; the first one without a backup. After that, I make sure I back everything up at least daily. I'm like you, I can't remember everything; it's either on my computer or on my Blackberry, which gets backed up weekly. I'm glad you were able to find us again, though!
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#206128 - 07/25/10 09:16 PM Re: Mothers of adult addicts [Re: yonuh]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Granny, what else do you have growing in your garden?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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