Ladies, the below article was published in The Skirt (March 2010). Thought you may enjoy!
Should We Really Settle?
By Skirt.com, Monday, March 1, 2010, 3 comments
Magnify When I picked up Lori Gottlieb’s book, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough, which came out in February, it was with skepticism. I have spent the last three years interviewing dozens and dozens of single 30-something women around the country for Seeking Happily Ever After, a feature-length documentary that I’m making with Kerry David about this generation’s struggle to redefine the fairytale. We look at why the number of never-married 30-something women in the U.S. has been climbing for decades—currently almost four million—how women feel about it and whether they are redefining happily ever after. In writing the self-help book Seeking Happily Ever After, I interviewed even more women from age 25 to 45. I did not seek out women who fit an agenda (Lori sure polled a lot of friends and colleagues); rather I talked to all types of single women willing to share theirs feelings.

I’d followed the whole brouhaha from Lori’s Atlantic Monthly article last year, in which she seemed to be advising women in their 20s and early 30s to find a nice fellow, even if there’s no attraction, and marry him quickly because otherwise they might end up (gasp!) alone. I remember wondering why “alone” is worse than getting hitched to a guy for life that you aren’t attracted to? It was hard to swallow; plus, how far were women expected to drop the bar?

I expected to hate the entire book. I didn’t. Well, I didn’t hate all of it (just the main premise, in that Lori falsely assumes all single women are as picky as her; but I’ll get to that). Marry Him is well written and raises some excellent points. For single women like Lori, who possess a laundry list of “needs” from a partner, this book will be a healthy (if slightly rude) awakening. These women exist. I saw one on The Oprah Winfrey Show recently, when a woman announced that a man drinking from a straw was a deal-breaker for her. I mean, really. So kudos to you, Lori, if you can break through to unyielding singles, male and female, who make it impossible on themselves to find love—and end up feeling resentful.

But I have to say that by and large, I did not run into these women holding sky-high expectations for a partner. Some did, it’s true. The huge majority of women we interviewed, however, were looking for decent, thoughtful partners that they shared chemistry with. Most wanted to be married, but they were quick to admit they were proud that they had learned to meet many of their own needs so that they didn’t have to settle for the wrong person. Yes, the majority said, they’d be sad if they found out from a crystal ball that they would never get hitched, but they also understood that they would figure out how to make a good life for themselves regardless. If they were scared of being alone, it was mainly because they just couldn’t picture it. There aren’t many models for it.

I did not find these women reflected in Lori's book. So many of those in Marry Him sounded demanding, smug and unrealistic, like the woman who told Lori that she didn’t pursue a relationship with a certain guy because he only "made a mix tape of her favorite music" for Valentine's Day but didn’t send her flowers at work. Lori herself admits she turned down perfectly great guys because they were wearing the wrong apparel. The ending (spoiler alert!) is especially unsettling; Lori refers to herself as a public service announcement, warning single women everywhere that if they're not careful (read: too picky) they might end up miserable like her. Come on,is being a healthy, creative, successful 40-something so bad?

I would hate to think all the terrific women we interviewed would view Lori’s tale as a horror story. Nor do I want these women lumped in with the over-the-top picky women in Lori’s book. It’s hard to not settle for the wrong guy when our culture sees a wedding as the finish line. It takes courage to stay true to what you want (and deserve) in the face of people telling you “you’re not getting any younger.” Yes, its ridiculous to pass on a guy only because he is a couple inches shorter than you’d like; but it is not ridiculous to hold out for a really good guy you have chemistry with. I hope they will not see being unmarried as a tragic ending, and will continue to keep high—and, yes, reasonable—standards.

Michelle Cove is the Director of the feature-length doc Seeking Happily Ever After and author of the self-help book Seeking Happily Ever After: Navigating the ups and downs of being single without losing your mind (and finding lasting love along the way) to be published this October. Visit seekinghappilyeverafter.com to learn more.

If what you see is what you get, scrutinize what you're looking at very closely...Would you settle for hamburger instead of the steak you ordered? Would you settle for a flanned nightgown instead of the silk one you ordered. These are just simple examples but OMG! When settlng for one kind of man over another to spend your life with, are they kidding?

Interesting..the other day I was just thinking of the non-negotiabiles in a guy. Not that I need to when things are fine with dearie.

I'm sure each of us have some unusual, picky non-negotiable things in addition to the major base desires : ie. honesty, respect, empathy, etc.

For instance, I'm not convinced I could have settled for a guy, no matter how great he was if he didn't also:
*share/like some of the food I prepare, ie. Asian dishes. (Linked to sharing a piece of my identity/my family with him. After all, I prepare at least 40% of dishes along Asian lines at home. I won't be changing for anyone on this when he lives with me since most of it is healthy dishes.)

*understands with sensitivity, of what it must be like operating in a 2nd /mother tongue language that is non-English. (He will be put into social situations with me when on this.) He knows how to express it without being patronizing. He also doesn't get bothered at all be in a social situations for several hrs. if he doesn't understand the language. Some people get freaked out by this or get paranoid that they're being talked about/suspicious of the conversation. And I won't be able to help anyone with their anxiety..because I won't understand what is being said alot of the time myself. Gotta hang loose alot of the times and learn to live lightly and somewhat chaotically in multiple linguistic/cultural social circles. He has to learn to live in twilight zone worlds of semi-understanding. Easier said than done but it makes a huge difference if one's social circle(s) is already bicultural, bilingual, or multilingual. Admittedly this is a strong plus for any guy in my life.

*could and does willingly cook to share this responsibility (I just don't want to get into household struggles how we handled daily life). I would like him to be able to look after me if I should get sick and unable to cook. He therefore should be able to prepare meals for me. I feel sorry for any couple where the woman is frail/sick but her hubby cannot cook for her on a daily basis. I can't explain this but it sounds so sad to me in the 21st century.)

*is inherently a pacifist. Does not really support war and never will.

and other 'unusual' desires in a life partner for myself.

Yes, dearie in afterthought meets all this. And you know, I think a person instinctively gathers these desirable "trivial" characteristics when they are into a deeper phase of knowing each other and trying to figure out short-term vs. long-term relationship.

OMG, I think about this all the time. Y'all know by now I'm damaged and need to see a shrink. But... I do love two different men. One loves me without question, we have fun, have lots in common, a 10 year history and he's willing to go to the ends of the earth with me (money problems notwithstanding). But, I have NO physical attraction to him. I think I can deal with that.

The other loves me too, in his own way, we just don't have a long history together like the one mentioned above. And physically he does it for me. But I'd be doing much adventure alone, which is a downside.

So yeah, if I choose either of the above I am settling, which is bad. If you all can slap some sense into me, I'd appreciate it.

WW

Whirlwind, why choose if it isn't an issue for you. Sounds like you have the best of both worlds and it is working for all concerned. Chances are you'd pick one and be sorry so I suggest you "have a ball!" Life is too short to be pressured into something you know won't be satisfactory in the long run. So called experts write books and they never work for everybody, and what makes anyone an expert in life anyhow? You go girl, enjoy your life, it's yours and so long as it suits you, so be it!!!