as a full time homemaker anymore? I don't know of any anywhere. Most familys must have two incomes to enjoy life, some just to survive. I wonder if with all the unemployment children are benefitting by having one or even both parents in the home all the time? What's worse absentee parents or parents there but with absentee financees?

My niece is a full-time homemaker. She has two girls. But you are right, it seems to be a minority thing now. Thank goodness her hubby has a good job. She has a degree in finance and has worked before, but they made the decision for her to stay home. Good for them, I say.

I am a full time homemaker but I don't have any kids, so I don't know if that counts!! I'm feeling overwhelmed as it is these days -- just too much going on and not enough time for me, don't know how on earth I would manage if I had to go to work, too.

I guess that qualifies me as well. Although I work from home, I still am HERE and have all the other "stuff" staring me in the face. Ewww...

Having kids does add to being a homemaker but a woman has to make a home even if she alone lives in it, right? So in that frame of reference we all qualify!

My son asked me the other day if he could move the vacuum out of his room. I said, "I have a vacuum?"

hahahaha..good one JJ

I'm a fulltime Homemaker and in truth what that says to the people in my life is that because I "don't work" it must mean that I am available to be of service to all the others who do...everyone calls me to babysit their grandchildren, take their aging parents to Doctor appts..pick up their kids at school..pick them up at the airport from business trips and on and on..I am happy to help my friends out whenever and wherever I can..but sometimes it gets ridiculous.

I am a full time homemaker...I also stayed at home until my children were 12 and 8..My circumstances allowed that..and the earlier spell where I was at home were highly productive.Happy days which laid down strong foundations in my life.
I filled my days..gardened make clothes..made "a penny do the work of a pound" shared time with those in my community.I started study and a new career opened up rather than return to my first workplace where I could have been welcomed.
Other doors opened in an era where feminism the arts and a wider world waited.I emgaged in the politics of the UK...I feel fulfilled
I appreciate my retired status..I observe those wonderful younger woman working hard..and people doing what they can to cope in the situation that the banks have created..I know they will plough their furrow in life...we all do what we have to..that is living..
My children now adults in turn cascade into their careers the joy and forward belief of happiness they enjoyed.This was my task along with my husband..to do no harm..to do our best..

Yes I agree Nancy people ask favours of me...as they did in my earlier stay at home time..but many people help me too..

Ladies there is a word that helps put a stop to all those that would take advantage of you in that way, it is:

NO, NO and NO!!!

I am a fine one to talk I suppose but do try not to allow friends or family to use me. Plus does anyone ever offer to help you?

Does anyone stop to help me? Yea, sometimes. You kinda learn who you can count on,and who not to waste your time with.

One of my friends told me that her therapist was trying to teach her that NO is a complete sentence by itself. As in, just say "NO" -- no further explanation needed. That might work sometimes but when I heard that I thought, hmmmm, lots of luck with that one, when someone is badgering your for a reason you can't do whatever.

I try not to let friends and family use me........I really do! but sometimes it's hard to say no or you get roped into something before you know what hit you.

Actually, I think that therapist is correct. If the generic "No, sorry, my schedule's already full that day" or "No, I wouldn't be the one to do that," doesn't work and you're actually getting badgered, the answer just might be silence. Once we allow ourselves to be drawn into long justifications for why we can't do something, we're just that much more likely to get sucked into something by someone who is persistent. The answer to them is stone wall.

Anyone who is badgering is already being rude. There's no need to be nasty back, but no further discussion is needed. This is *really* hard the first time you do it, but gets easier over time. One of the worst mistakes we often make is talking too much and people who tend to be users have a radar for people they can wear down.

I think I'm lucky in this, if you can call it that, because I have dealt with so many mentally ill relatives and friends. Reasoning with people who are not thinking straight is not only a waste of time but also foolish on my part. I got my training in 'NO' a long time ago.

AvalonBlondi, I can totally relate. I was a stay at home mom and I must say, that was quite a gift to some of my friends who worked.

However, I've also worked from home, and people think that because you work from home, you're still available. Holy Moly.

By selling the sites, I will have more time to help those who need it, but I am still going to guard my time. I'm hoping to do some volunteer work while searching for that new passion.

For now, I'm a full time homemaker, and loving it.

There's plenty to keep busy, as we all know. I was at the food store at 7:30 buying ingredients for corned beef and cabbage, took my daughter to school, got Dad, went to two banks, visited the cemetery with him, got lunch, then Ross and I visited my little niece at the hospital, and am now cooking corned beef for 14, doing laundry and catching up with my BWS friends. Life is full.

chatty, we have some stay at home moms in the neighborhood and they all stick together and raise their kids together. THey are the volunteers for the neighborhood, school rec, pool, church, etc. Not too different from when I stayed home.

I have a sister who has been a full-time homemaker/mother for at least the past 10 years. She's had odd part-time jobs here and there.

Her 2 adult children are 25 & 23. 23 yr. son is living at home but will move out soon later this year when he does his Master's degree. 25-yr. daughter has her own full-time career and lives in her own apt. with boyfriend for last 2 yrs. somewhere else in their city.

My sister, up to this time does not have the responsibility of frail parents (yet), unlike Dotsie. Nor does she have any grandchildren. I am not aware of her being involved in volunteer work at this time.

There have been disagreements between her and 2 other sisters who are both also mothers, 1 sister married with 3 children ages 12-8 and another sister married with 2 children, newborn baby and 2 yr. Each sister have chosen to keep their jobs. Mother of 3 is working full-time and mother of 2, in only short maternity leave because she is the primary breadwinner with the higher income (doctor v. her hubby who is a cook) therefore she MUST work to bring in money long-term. Doctor-sister drives 100 kms. one way to get to her hospital where her job is. Both sisters, as you can imagine, have worked out complicated schedules for child care (blend of some daycare, plus an in-law parent helping out, etc.).

Both sisters are stressed and get ticked off/angry when full-time homemaker sister says she is "busy" and can not help out with our aging parents. Both mothers did stay at home during their maternity leaves, so they aren't clueless what needs to be done at home.

For myself, as a sister living 4,000 kms. away, I can only listening sympthetically ..in all honesty..to the stressed out mother-sisters who are juggling their paid jobs. Because my father will become sicker with his cancer and my mother is aging, etc. but need to be accompanied to doctor-specialists, etc.

I saw this upfront when I visited family (each sister) for a few days.

It didn't escape me that full-time homemaker sister with 1 adult child at home, has a cleaner, tidier house. She does have more relaxed day schedule compared to 15 yrs. ago when children were younger. What parent would have a gorgeous neat home with young children running around unless they had a nanny/housekeeper also or slept very little in order to clean the house?

Perhaps I have said some sensitive things now.

It occcurs to me that when we discuss if Mothers stay at home or a wife has no work outside the home then perhaps the personal testimony is what we should observe.
Who knows what another feels...thinks or works through later in life.
In retrospect we can look back at our choices...and further discuss the complex needs children and work need.
had childcare been available and work with suitable hours I may have found a life/work balance and my story would be different.
In the city during my time at home I may have found just what fitted well tround my circumstances at the time.But living in a rural area my choice was based on what was available.
I made my choices other friends worked swing shift..nurse friends put careers on hold due to shift work.Friends with Mothers who took over care roles found work..My neighbours who farm worked seasonally...I often carewd for their children or took them out with my family..
I was industrious..full of energy and learned homekeeping and enjoyed being a Mother..It was a stage..a good time.As was my career and now my later years.

I think that whatever you choose to do, you should be secure with yourself and your decision. I know many a working woman who would have given anything to stay home some days, and there were days as a SAHM that I would have loved to walk out the door to work. The biggest piece of all this is that we honor what one another choose to do.

When I was married, I stayed at home a few times and hated it. We compromised; I went to work and hubby stayed home - mostly because I liked working and he liked the domestic stuff. Plus I made more money than he did. When the kids were little, he was always home with them. He cooked, cleaned and all that stuff I hated (still do) and I worked on the cars, took care of the yard and other mechanical stuff. Worked for us. But that was back in the 70s and most of the people we knew thought we were weird, or crazy, or worse. Once the kids were older, we arranged our schedules so one of us was home with them; since we were both nurses it worked with the shifts with a little overlap of maybe an hour at a time.

I truly admire those women who can cook and clean and sew and all that. Even in Home Ec at school, the teacher wrote on my report card that I "didn't see why I had to do this." I would have been happier in Shop but that option wasn't available in the late 50s and early 60s. I had to fight just to be allowed into advanced math and science classes in high school because girls weren't considered to be any good at science!!

It is important for women who are mothers to be honest about this..just too many women I know who are made to feel guilty for not expressing more clearly the bad/difficult times of being a stay-at-home parent. Raising children is hard work.

My 2 sisters who decided to continue their paid careers, have said clearly they didn't like it when their brain got mushy because a huge part of their time was spent during the day with their young children. They each said they needed the intellectual stimulation from other adults, it is necessary for their mental well-being.

Before anyone says that volunteer work is stimulating (and it can be), remember each sister has invested thousands of dollars in her education and hrs. of study. It's a serious matter to walk away from that personal investment...perhaps forever.

I also think that because each sister is a licensed health care professional, their skills and knowledge can only be kept best alive and current/up to date by practicing /working in their profession. 1 is a hospital pharmacist who is involved in several clinical drug trial research projects and the other is a physician. Both professions demand practicing it to remain relevant and current. Otherwise it's more cost and headache of studying, retesting for licensing certification later on.

The doctor-sister truly doesn't understand how she could ever be happy by being solely a stay at home mom forever. She has chosen to be a part-time physician and made that choice even before she met her hubby and had children. She wanted to enjoy life more fully (and now with her children) rather than simply reap in a pile of money. I admire her for that. Even on a part-time salary as a physician, it's still a comfortable salary.

The homemaker-sister was a licensed pharmacist also but she gave up her license after being a pharamacist for about 6 yrs. after university. Things haven't been rosy all the time..since she fell into depression for several years. She's out of it but I see an unnecessary defensiveness from her especially now at this stage, with grown children.

Yonuh: All 3 sisters actually enjoy sewing (and are good at tailoring, etc.) and don't mind cooking. Husbands for 3 of them, do share cooking and household chores. No problems on that front.

There is a 4th sister, she is like me, no children and there never will be.

As you say Dotsie..honoring anothers choice

I believe honoring what others do and what choices they have made is correct..indeed to quote Eric Berne.."I'm OK you're OK.
as with being a housewife...the criteria is personal and cannot be measured.
When a child is loved then they cope with their upbringing well and in time make their own choices.. whether being cared for by their Daddy or professional childcare.

Great topic. yonuh, love your comments. Again, it goes back to doing what's in the best interest of the family.

I've heard that some people think a woman's education goes to waste if she decides to stay home. What people don'trealize is that you use many of the very same qualities while raising a family and staying home. And, if you stay home for 18 years, that's really a small portion of your life in the long run.

Education is never wasted..a graduate who has read extensivly will have absorbed others lives...so whilst having time at home is aware of the wider world.
medics who have been science orintated were advised to do some credits in biography and family saga type literature by a professor.Authorso ften capture life stories and give background information not read in a medical textbook.. this can be an unexplored area to a young scientist.Yet helpful when joining any new health related job.

What defines us is our whole life experience..not whether we stayed at home..
An unhappy hard up for money person will be dealing with several life balance issues..this may spill over into her marriage relationship her parenting skills..so her task is to do what is best for her and her situation..

The hard reality is that a single, divorced mother raising children has no choice but to get paid work. We all know there is a high % of this group, some who are BWS members here.

I actually believe, as a form of financial insurance any woman wishing to have children, is better to at least have a part-time job (no matter how small) to keep a certain job-specific skill set fresh and to have it as part of her work resume so that the job search is abit easier in the future. Life can be full of unpleasant surprises that affect one's financial base drastically.

One woman who was about to finish her PhD and was 31 at the time, said to me that she wanted to have children.

I said great "but it might better for you to get a job first, then go on maternity leave. Otherwise it will be much more difficult to re-enter the workforce after being out for several years. Employers will not see her in the same way now compared to later, not your line of work".

She didn't have job during her last 6 university years.

So she landed a good government job within 5 months after she finished her PhD that uses some of her expertise. She's probably now wanting to conceive. I dunno I haven't talked to her in awhile.

I'm just be a pragmatist.

Mountain Ash, yes a job does not define a person. The sister-doctor who chose to go part-time even when she was single is a good example. Life is good for her....she paid off her house mortgage on..a part-time salary. So she could have been alot wealthier but she chose not to be.

So a woman's education can pay off ..in spades..if she plans her future in advance.

There is no debate Orchid...a woman has to do what is right for her.
I approve of education.

I think a person's belief's, experiences and perspectives have so much to play in the choices that they make and though I do believe there are absolute "right" and "wrongs," there are different ways to choose to live. "Knowledge is power." But power without the right channel is useless or harmful.

I'm really struggling with the question myself right now of whether I should quit trying to get my business up and running for the sake of having more time with my girls (now only 6 and 7) and my dear husband who hardly gets to see me, or if perhaps the benefit of the education (I learn a lot hands on - I figure 2 years trying to get a business up and running is about as good as a degree.... - and a bit cheaper, maybe....) will bring in needed finances in the future, plus give me the opportunity to have a job where most of the time my girls can be with me.

But is "being with me" at shows and events quality time with the girls? Tomorrow my older will spend the day helping mom set up and sell; we both think it's pretty fun, but there's plenty of at home work to do with the business - bookkeeping, inventory, website, marketing, etc. I'm praying God grant my husband and I the grace and wisdom to know what to do, whether to move forward or kill the thing. What is best for my family?

My mom is a wonderful lady who worked hard most of my life as a teacher. She had the first 5 years at home,then went to work. But she and I never had a relationship, much of one any way. We got along, but it is only at 40 that I feel she's starting to get to know me (now that she's 87) - and I to know her. I never felt comfortable telling my parents my problems; I really, really, really, want to be there to listen to my girls. For my husband and I, time together with family is top priority, but recently we've put income ahead of that and I'm concerned it's the wrong choice.

In America, you almost always can downsize. I was raised in a very low income part of NYC. I'd rather be "poor" (almost no Americans are actually poor by the world's standards) and live in a small apartment than have a million dollar business and not know my kids.

I just don't know. I really need God's wisdom to help make the right choices.

* * * *
Regarding people who ask you for favors, I've found it's wise to do what I can and not judge people, or (harder) myself. (My neighbor woke me up at 10:30 pm last night to ask if she could come over and do a load of laundry since her water's been out for three days - she didn't have anything clean for her and her boyfriend to wear; I felt physically able,though tired, to handle it and said yes. If I couldn't handle it, I'd have said no. So I stayed up until midnight so she could get a load done. I don't have any bad feelings about it; she needed help and I was in the position, physically and mentally to help her.

There are a lot of people who would have (and a few who have) looked down on me for my "laziness" in my work at home - I was one of them for a long time; I'm learning to love and forgive myself and allow myself to be human, though strive to overcome weaknesses.

The first four years of marriage to my husband, he would work three jobs, then come home to a wife who had "played" or slept all day, so, without a complaint, he would also cook and clean and let me know what an honor it was to serve me.

I was chatting with a bartender one evening and was really excited because I had not had time with my beloved for sometime and we were going to have a "date." Someone was giving us 15 piles (BIG piles! ) of wood and we were going to have a date and chop and haul wood all day. The bartender asked me, "What do I have to do to get a woman like you?" LOLOL I replied quickly, "Be a husband like him."

But sacrificial love, the kind that gives generously for the sake of the other, not itself, has to come from a pure Source.

So, one could accuse me for many years of lacks, laziness, etc - of "using" my husband, but God knows our hearts - and our experiences.

For ten years I chose to live as a nanny with a woman who had come out of the serverest form of abuses. I did it because I felt, honestly, right or wrong, that the Lord God wanted me to. Those years were good years; I grew and matured a lot. But they were physically, mentally and emotionally incredibly hard. When the Lord made me leave after 10 years, I suffered a breakdown. In hindsight, working as much as I did without reprieve probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done - and now I'm wary and warn others I see in the same pattern - but God's grace got me out of it. But I suffered horribly to the point of suicidal because I wasn't doing enough (even though my husband never criticized me.) I was sleeping 15 hours a day, then had two beauuuutiful kids in a row (what? you mean you can get pregnant while breastfeeding?! lol - hubby's 90 year old grandma mentioned it, but NO regrets, nothing is more perfect than those two baby girls - just ask me! )

Anyway, I figure God is the source of my good stuff and if I give to someone as I can (I often can't) it's unto God, likewise if someone blesses me I wish I could give them a $1000 check (or at least a Starbucks card) but in this season of my life I can't so I push the guilt away of being so needy right now, and ask God to bless them in their season. The ten years I had to be a help to others blessed me in many ways; mostly I grew a lot. Now I need to do what I can to help others (I help tutor a friend's kid) but I also have a lot of needs. I believe it's the Hindu goddess that has 6 arms with the concept that any mom needs at least 6 arms to do all the work, but the God I serve made two arms - because, I believe, he intended there to be many more involved in helping. In our society all too often we've lost those "other arms." Those loving friends who let their homeschooled 12 year old come for four hours a day because the baby's mom sometimes is too sick to do much more besides just feed the baby.... The loving neighbor who takes the call from the mom with a chemical imbalance at 11:00 o'clock at night, when hubby's at work, because the mom's afraid her mental system is crashing and doesn't know if she will be all right.

But all those hands have to come from a Source and I believe we choose to open the door to that Source or to close the door to that Source. When I get in deep trouble, I tend to look inward: have I been evil? Have I not trusted in God? Have I done something, or not done something? Throughout all my instabilities and problems, God has gone with me and been there for me, but I believe His truth - 1+1=2, not 3 or 4 or 106. Crazy world we live in: there's an infinite number of falsehoods to every mathematical truth - and there's an aweful lot of lies around us everywhere we turn.

I would agree with saying "No." when you can not do things - whether you need time to rest (hmmm... did I eat dinner tonight?) or if you just aren't mentally up to it - and trust God for your "no's." But if you are happy and content to help the ones who need it, then by all means go joyfully and help them out. Don't be a grinch on yourself - ASK the ones who you know can help you when YOU need it.

One very dear friend almost 20 years ago now told me something I'll never forget. I was hating the fact that I was always needing her - and never there for HER. But I was coming out of an almost abusive situation and wasn't really able to do much more than survive. She said to me, "Christa, I have friends who help me and friends who I help. I really appreciate those whom *I* can help, because some of my friends are just there to help and listen to me."

Don't know if that made sense, I hope so. I am living proof that there is a loving God: my husband and friends actually like to listen to me talk...amazing....

blessings

- oh! and two of my best friends have been full time stay at home mommys - one was an engineer in her other life (3 kids) and the other was a lawyer (5 kids, 2 at home and now one grandbaby! - homeschooled all the kids - whew! That certainly would take a law degree...)

What type of home-based biz are you thinking of? Would be a unique service/product that others in your region do not offer?

It would take alot of work to get it up and running, plus ongoing networking with potential customers and other like-oriented businesses whom you can partner with. Bur could be worth it financially and for your own development in terms of work-related skill sets.

It could bring you closer to your daughters, but no guarantee when they are in their teens and up.

I do have a certain opinion because:

In my last job, I hired a woman around my age (at time of hire, 48), who was a full-time mom for over 10 yrs. Then she was suddenly divorced and without recent paid work experience, to support her 2 teenage sons. So through a special program funded by govn't (not everyone unemployed person is eligible), she attended college and got her diploma. It took 2 yrs. I knew it was very demanding on her..and I could see when training her, her computer literacy skills were not good. Not as good as someone else who would have had worked on computers daily. I know she lives at near poverty level. The training period was painfully slow..

Life is full of rude/terrible surprises. I also have a cousin my age, who married (I actually went to her wedding.) and later divorced with 4 children. The youngest was around 3-4 yrs. old when the divorce occurred.

Thankfully she had a job already with postal office prior to divorce...and so she carried on. While her 70-yr. old+ Mom looked after all the children. Seriously this is demand on her mom also. But what could she do? Daycare costs money. She is still single. Her ex-hubby is in a working-class job so child custody payments wouldn't be generous.

If you have good working skills from the past, don't abandon them completely, or at least self-teach yourself your computer skills with current common software and keep such skills current.

I ...cannot...begin ..to emphasize how important this is in terms of survival skills.

I just heard from physician sister: She has her 3 yrs. daughter part-time in daycare because she just finds it easier to cope with her newborn baby. As for her hubby, he works full-time as a cook but she will return to work at the hospital. Just on his salary, it will not pay the bills completely. His salary is poverty-level.

And they live an ordinary lifestyle. ie. 1 car, home near subway.


She has elected to work part-time as a physician (I think it's 15-20 hrs. per wk.) but with her salary they can afford some daycare. Unlike my other married sisters with children (1 works, 2nd one has been full-time homemaker for many years as mentioned in thread earlier), I do see this as a more complicated situation, partially because of her hubby which I won't get into. I just hope this works for them all.


I'm not disagreeing about living at poverty-level. But I wouldn't romanticize it either after being raised by parents where my mother never worked outside home with 6 children and my father was a restaurant cook his whole life. Are we closer to my mother because she was around?....No. It's more her personality, communication style...and frankly we've lost our mother,first language because of English-language assimilation. I see glimmers in my mother, the woman she could have become, had life's opportunities been so different. She has natural mathematical abilities that my father doesn't have much. (She has gr. 10 level education, my father has gr. 12 education) and a technical ability. Those natural tendencies have been passed to and honed in..some of her children, who did their applied sciences university degrees, majored in the scientific areas. Whereas the more artistic stuff I got from my father. It IS true sometimes a parent's natural gifts is never realized...but comes true in the next generation(s) thereafter. It's almost heartbreaking to see...unfulfilled potential.

I think the closeness of parent to child(ren) is the personality of parent and how they cultivate long-term communication within the parent-child relationship. And vigilance/awareness of child's relationships with other people outside of the family as they grow-up. Not whether or not, they are working full-time outside of the home. For instance, most of us feel easier/closer to our father because he can speak English and he also is an even-tempered person more than mother. Yet, he worked full-time his whole life. But he also was not subjected to being at home with 6 children 24/7 for 20 yrs. straight. That can affect the mental health of some people.

There's alot of different ways how to approach work-life balance.

I remember having a conversation with an older wise lady when I thought about returning to work outside my home.Saying to her that I wanted to be at home for my school age children coming home .She told me that it is the quality of parenting and not always being there as long as they were cared for by a responsible adult..
That was sound advice
Need you run a business ? could you work for another person without the whole responsibity for a business.The experience you gained from setting up your venture wont be lost..