Actually, I think that therapist is correct. If the generic "No, sorry, my schedule's already full that day" or "No, I wouldn't be the one to do that," doesn't work and you're actually getting badgered, the answer just might be silence. Once we allow ourselves to be drawn into long justifications for why we can't do something, we're just that much more likely to get sucked into something by someone who is persistent. The answer to them is stone wall.

Anyone who is badgering is already being rude. There's no need to be nasty back, but no further discussion is needed. This is *really* hard the first time you do it, but gets easier over time. One of the worst mistakes we often make is talking too much and people who tend to be users have a radar for people they can wear down.

I think I'm lucky in this, if you can call it that, because I have dealt with so many mentally ill relatives and friends. Reasoning with people who are not thinking straight is not only a waste of time but also foolish on my part. I got my training in 'NO' a long time ago.

AvalonBlondi, I can totally relate. I was a stay at home mom and I must say, that was quite a gift to some of my friends who worked.

However, I've also worked from home, and people think that because you work from home, you're still available. Holy Moly.

By selling the sites, I will have more time to help those who need it, but I am still going to guard my time. I'm hoping to do some volunteer work while searching for that new passion.

For now, I'm a full time homemaker, and loving it.

There's plenty to keep busy, as we all know. I was at the food store at 7:30 buying ingredients for corned beef and cabbage, took my daughter to school, got Dad, went to two banks, visited the cemetery with him, got lunch, then Ross and I visited my little niece at the hospital, and am now cooking corned beef for 14, doing laundry and catching up with my BWS friends. Life is full.

chatty, we have some stay at home moms in the neighborhood and they all stick together and raise their kids together. THey are the volunteers for the neighborhood, school rec, pool, church, etc. Not too different from when I stayed home.

I have a sister who has been a full-time homemaker/mother for at least the past 10 years. She's had odd part-time jobs here and there.

Her 2 adult children are 25 & 23. 23 yr. son is living at home but will move out soon later this year when he does his Master's degree. 25-yr. daughter has her own full-time career and lives in her own apt. with boyfriend for last 2 yrs. somewhere else in their city.

My sister, up to this time does not have the responsibility of frail parents (yet), unlike Dotsie. Nor does she have any grandchildren. I am not aware of her being involved in volunteer work at this time.

There have been disagreements between her and 2 other sisters who are both also mothers, 1 sister married with 3 children ages 12-8 and another sister married with 2 children, newborn baby and 2 yr. Each sister have chosen to keep their jobs. Mother of 3 is working full-time and mother of 2, in only short maternity leave because she is the primary breadwinner with the higher income (doctor v. her hubby who is a cook) therefore she MUST work to bring in money long-term. Doctor-sister drives 100 kms. one way to get to her hospital where her job is. Both sisters, as you can imagine, have worked out complicated schedules for child care (blend of some daycare, plus an in-law parent helping out, etc.).

Both sisters are stressed and get ticked off/angry when full-time homemaker sister says she is "busy" and can not help out with our aging parents. Both mothers did stay at home during their maternity leaves, so they aren't clueless what needs to be done at home.

For myself, as a sister living 4,000 kms. away, I can only listening sympthetically ..in all honesty..to the stressed out mother-sisters who are juggling their paid jobs. Because my father will become sicker with his cancer and my mother is aging, etc. but need to be accompanied to doctor-specialists, etc.

I saw this upfront when I visited family (each sister) for a few days.

It didn't escape me that full-time homemaker sister with 1 adult child at home, has a cleaner, tidier house. She does have more relaxed day schedule compared to 15 yrs. ago when children were younger. What parent would have a gorgeous neat home with young children running around unless they had a nanny/housekeeper also or slept very little in order to clean the house?

Perhaps I have said some sensitive things now.

It occcurs to me that when we discuss if Mothers stay at home or a wife has no work outside the home then perhaps the personal testimony is what we should observe.
Who knows what another feels...thinks or works through later in life.
In retrospect we can look back at our choices...and further discuss the complex needs children and work need.
had childcare been available and work with suitable hours I may have found a life/work balance and my story would be different.
In the city during my time at home I may have found just what fitted well tround my circumstances at the time.But living in a rural area my choice was based on what was available.
I made my choices other friends worked swing shift..nurse friends put careers on hold due to shift work.Friends with Mothers who took over care roles found work..My neighbours who farm worked seasonally...I often carewd for their children or took them out with my family..
I was industrious..full of energy and learned homekeeping and enjoyed being a Mother..It was a stage..a good time.As was my career and now my later years.

I think that whatever you choose to do, you should be secure with yourself and your decision. I know many a working woman who would have given anything to stay home some days, and there were days as a SAHM that I would have loved to walk out the door to work. The biggest piece of all this is that we honor what one another choose to do.

When I was married, I stayed at home a few times and hated it. We compromised; I went to work and hubby stayed home - mostly because I liked working and he liked the domestic stuff. Plus I made more money than he did. When the kids were little, he was always home with them. He cooked, cleaned and all that stuff I hated (still do) and I worked on the cars, took care of the yard and other mechanical stuff. Worked for us. But that was back in the 70s and most of the people we knew thought we were weird, or crazy, or worse. Once the kids were older, we arranged our schedules so one of us was home with them; since we were both nurses it worked with the shifts with a little overlap of maybe an hour at a time.

I truly admire those women who can cook and clean and sew and all that. Even in Home Ec at school, the teacher wrote on my report card that I "didn't see why I had to do this." I would have been happier in Shop but that option wasn't available in the late 50s and early 60s. I had to fight just to be allowed into advanced math and science classes in high school because girls weren't considered to be any good at science!!

It is important for women who are mothers to be honest about this..just too many women I know who are made to feel guilty for not expressing more clearly the bad/difficult times of being a stay-at-home parent. Raising children is hard work.

My 2 sisters who decided to continue their paid careers, have said clearly they didn't like it when their brain got mushy because a huge part of their time was spent during the day with their young children. They each said they needed the intellectual stimulation from other adults, it is necessary for their mental well-being.

Before anyone says that volunteer work is stimulating (and it can be), remember each sister has invested thousands of dollars in her education and hrs. of study. It's a serious matter to walk away from that personal investment...perhaps forever.

I also think that because each sister is a licensed health care professional, their skills and knowledge can only be kept best alive and current/up to date by practicing /working in their profession. 1 is a hospital pharmacist who is involved in several clinical drug trial research projects and the other is a physician. Both professions demand practicing it to remain relevant and current. Otherwise it's more cost and headache of studying, retesting for licensing certification later on.

The doctor-sister truly doesn't understand how she could ever be happy by being solely a stay at home mom forever. She has chosen to be a part-time physician and made that choice even before she met her hubby and had children. She wanted to enjoy life more fully (and now with her children) rather than simply reap in a pile of money. I admire her for that. Even on a part-time salary as a physician, it's still a comfortable salary.

The homemaker-sister was a licensed pharmacist also but she gave up her license after being a pharamacist for about 6 yrs. after university. Things haven't been rosy all the time..since she fell into depression for several years. She's out of it but I see an unnecessary defensiveness from her especially now at this stage, with grown children.

Yonuh: All 3 sisters actually enjoy sewing (and are good at tailoring, etc.) and don't mind cooking. Husbands for 3 of them, do share cooking and household chores. No problems on that front.

There is a 4th sister, she is like me, no children and there never will be.

As you say Dotsie..honoring anothers choice

I believe honoring what others do and what choices they have made is correct..indeed to quote Eric Berne.."I'm OK you're OK.
as with being a housewife...the criteria is personal and cannot be measured.
When a child is loved then they cope with their upbringing well and in time make their own choices.. whether being cared for by their Daddy or professional childcare.

Great topic. yonuh, love your comments. Again, it goes back to doing what's in the best interest of the family.

I've heard that some people think a woman's education goes to waste if she decides to stay home. What people don'trealize is that you use many of the very same qualities while raising a family and staying home. And, if you stay home for 18 years, that's really a small portion of your life in the long run.