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#192188 - 10/21/09 01:28 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: hotflashgal]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
chatty, sad as it may seem, I have a friend who works at a strip joint. She said, other than dancing, she spends her nights listening to men whose children /wives don't love them anymore. She thinks of herself as a therapist. I know they aren't totally honest with her, but she tries to help them see why the kids/wives might not love them anymore.

hotflashgirl, how heartbreaking that your soul mate died so young. I'm glad to here you sound a bit at peace with your current situation.
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#192232 - 10/21/09 10:53 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: ]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
All more the reason at least for a woman or man, to become comfortable living...by themselves/be alone for long periods of time, at various stages in their lives or after death of a loved one. Even for those of us who have loving, faithful sexual relationships, a loved one will not be alive anymore in the future. I don't mean to be negative about the future, but facing the future with courage, frees a person to plan ahead, build inner strength and live their lives/marriage well..now.

It doesn't preclude good, non-sexual and caring friendships when a person is not "coupled". Not at all.

Some people are not adulterous but they enter into marriages or long-term sexual partnerships ...because they don't want to live alone or financially don't want to be alone. Like my partner's brother...a genuinely great guy but now on his ..5th woman...it is his 3rd marriage. He's in his mid-50's. The latest marriage is more of an obligation..and love to support his birth child with wife. It is clear to my dearie and myself as outsiders, the marriage chemistry between the 2, isn't quite there.

I appreciate these summary stories of some members who have learned and grown from their experiences. There were times I seriously questioned my own misunderstood "selfishness" for not moving in to live with my dearie for several years after we met. I questioned myself why i wanted to keep my own home, not share a household. But in hindsight, I'm glad it was a far better decision that tested the fidelity of our relationship, confirmed my own financial independence (and his), yet gave him space in his own home, to raise his then teenage children post-divorce. Certainly it was more stable household environment for his children growing up and trying to readjust. He is satisfied how that all worked out also. We actually feel, we both avoided alot more familial headache and tension.

There are alot of societal expectations that a faithful couple in love must somehow HAVE to marry/ live under same roof shortly after knowing one another. It's better to have lots of time to ..know and grow with one another with alot trust, communication and respect along the way before a firmer committment is made. And I know for some, "firmer" means marriage. To me, fidelity, respect and communication means far more.

maybe there might be a more philosophical debate on what defines a 'marriage'. We have all the answers here, don't we? crazy cool



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#192640 - 10/26/09 07:58 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: chatty lady]
Josie Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1211
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: chatty lady
Josie, thats easier said than done dear. My husband and I owned a cocktail lounge called the Speakeasy and we were busy all the time. I saw men in there who had lovely wives and children and they were always chasing one young skirt or another. They told bare faced lies like, I'm single, never been married looking for just the right woman. They lied about jobs, said they were pilots, we were close to O'Hare. Six of these men actually rented an apartment together to take their conquest to. None of them lived there it was just a shack-pad.

After my first husband died, I met a man at a funeral I went to with my mom and we talked for quite awhile, and on the weekend he showed up at my work asking to give me a ride home. I took the bus back in those days. We went out probably three times and he was just delightful. Mother was invited to an anniversary party some weeks later and asked me to go with her, I did and as we sat there and people wandered in, mom called out to someone saying, Helen come meet my eldest daughter. I met her and she says, my husband is around here somewhere I want you to meet him Charlotte, (my mom's name.) Suddenly this man walks towards us and as I turn to meet him guess who it was, yep Steve, the man I had started dating and liking alot. If a man could actually drop his teeth or sh// nickles, he would have. Although he called me many times after that, that was it for me.
So you see Josie, sometimes a woman doesn't know a man is married and believe me it is hard to tell. They always have some comeback when quizzed.


What a atory, Chatty. I believe you that is not always easy to tell. I was a young whipper-snapper of about 17-18 when I went on a first date with "Woody." He seemed so charming and worldly. Plus, he had a car (Our family was too poor to ever own a car so being in one was a real treat.)

He took me to a drive-in and he turned into an octopus. I was furious and had him take me home immediately. I found out soon after that he was MARRIED, and to someone who would break a beer bottle over the head of anyone who so much as looked at her husband. Yikes!!!!! I avoided that particular social scene for a very long time and hoped "Woody" would never utter my name in his sleep. lol He never did, or I would have been a goner for sure.
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#192642 - 10/26/09 08:13 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: Josie]
Josie Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1211
Loc: NJ
I guess it's kind of like having children. If you do not want children, you should not be having them.

If you like living alone or being a "friend with benefits," and that works for you, then that's what you choose.

I lived alone for 10 years before the first (20 year) marriage, and 2 years alone before the second marriage. One thing I learned was that while I really did LIKE being alone, I LOVED being part of a totally committed relationship even more.

As many cheaters as there are out there, I also correspond with divorced/widowed men and women who are well into their late years who want to share their remaining years with another sincerely available partner.

We go around one time. So it's up to us what we make of our short time here. I support whatever works for you, and if that happens to be a partnership of some kind, I hope both partners are free to commit without reservation. JMO
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#192782 - 10/28/09 09:43 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: Josie]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Well I went with a group of friends to Arizona Charlies Casino buffet last night, It was rib night, and they have every kind of pork dishes you can imagine for a mere $9.99...plus all the other salads and side dishes. I was the only single gal with two single guys and four married couples. After listening to the married couples all night, I remembered why I LOVE being single. It was uncomfortabe for us three singles to listen to the bickering and snide comments three of the couples made to one another. How sad...
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#192809 - 10/29/09 07:33 AM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: chatty lady]
Edelweiss3 Offline


Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
Ew boy, and if they do that in public, you can just imagine what's going on behind closed doors.
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As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
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#192816 - 10/29/09 11:40 AM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: Edelweiss3]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
chatty, good for you to notice, but how sad. I've witnessed it in the older generation, but not so much with boomers. Interesting.
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www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#192864 - 10/29/09 09:32 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: Dotsie]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Two of the couples are of boomer age, mid 40's. The other bickering couple are in their 60's. So I don't think age matters much when couples just plain don't seem to like one another. I do wish they would keep things like that behind closed doors however so other people aren't bothered by it.
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#192971 - 10/31/09 08:58 PM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: Josie]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10010
Loc: New York State
The only way I'd remarry, is if Mrs. Gates threw Bill out, and
I was there to catch him!
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URL - https://www.amazon.com/author/bonnie.mill-lemke

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#192981 - 11/01/09 01:19 AM Re: Would you remarry? [Re: jabber]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
REMARRY??? BA-HUMBUG!!! Oh, and HAPPY HALLOWEEN...
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