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#170829 - 01/11/09 04:06 PM
How can I help my daughter?
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Member
Registered: 09/18/05
Posts: 99
Loc: Arizona
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Hello old friends. I haven't posted here for a very long time - I've had a lot happening in the last two years - but now I feel so helpless and I'm reaching out for your wisdom. First - sorry this is so long - My daughter's life is in turmoil and I just don't know what to say or how to help. Everything I think to say seems so cliche and lame. J is 41 years old been married for 8 years and has two small children. They, like so many others are in a financial crises - to what extent I'm not certain - I don't think they are in jeopardy of losing their house yet - but they are having trouble paying their bills - they also have $2000 a month going out for childcare. But now, yesterday my daughter saw her husbands cell phone bill with over 4 hours of text messaging with the same person who happens to work next door to my SIL's business. Last night she got hold of his phone and read many of the messages which were not deleted and realize her husband is probably having an affair. Many of the messages were derrogatory comments about my daughter. My daughter really is an extraordinary women. She's beautiful, capable, intelligent and talented in many many ways. She is a wonderful mother, daughter, sister and friend. But J is also a very Type A, intense person who is also prone to deep depression. She is expressing a lot of self-loathing and feelings of being a total failure I'm so worried about her and yes I'm worried about what she may do. I was recently divorced, so I'm still trying to get settled into my new life and I don't have a lot of extra money on hand but I could come up with maybe $2,000 to help them out but should I? Most likely it would only be a bandaid and I'm not sure if I should put a strain on my own finances. What do I say to her about her husbands relationship with his text messaging friend? I'm so angry at him! The pressure of her job is really getting to her and she is thinking about looking for another job - Not sure if that's a great idea right now but then...? I've urged her to seek counseling for both of them. I've let her know that I will always be here to listen and will help her in anyway that I can but what else can I say to her? What can I do without interfering?
Thanks in advance for any thoughts or wisdom you can share. Again sorry this post is so long.
_________________________
Bookie
"If you want something you've never had, you've got to do something you've never done."
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#170836 - 01/11/09 04:48 PM
Re: How can I help my daughter?
[Re: Bookie]
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MustangGal
Unregistered
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Bookie, what is more encouraging than a person who sees the best in you? This is what your daughter needs most from you. Not your money, dear you may need that for yourself!
Although I have no children, I was married and believe the husband's infedility (whether physical or emotional) is draining and she may want to confront him.
Child care is very expensive, I wonder if she could find something less expensive? For instance, there are many without jobs now that would appreciate an income. Perhaps she could find a woman willing to care for the children in their home and handle a few household chores for less?
p.s., keep the text messages and check into whether they can be saved if needed for legal purposes.
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#170849 - 01/11/09 06:33 PM
Re: How can I help my daughter?
[Re: yonuh]
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Registered: 11/19/08
Posts: 1758
Loc: American living in Germany
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Hi Bookie, boy do I know what you are going through. And I know how heartbreaking it can be. I had to learn over a period of time, that the best advice was no advice. And I love to give advice…that's why I'm here. If you give advice to your daughter, then only if she asks you for it. Till then sit tightly and just be there for her to vent to. As for the money thing, I had to learn the hard way too. It's funny, but adult children may even resent you for giving them money. Oh yes, they will take it,…but they hate the situation, and they can be even bitchy about it. Whatever,…my kids know our home will always be their home. Just letting them know that, is sufficient and comforting for them. Maybe your daughter just wants to take a time out for a weekend at your place? You could offer that, if it is possible.
_________________________
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live. Goethe
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#172982 - 01/29/09 02:53 AM
Re: How can I help my daughter?
[Re: katebcca]
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Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
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Already Bookie, your daughter is under significant pressure. She needs space to work through her own thinking and coping strategies how to respond to her hubby's infedility.
She needs to you listen, offer financial help especially if she becomes a single mom.
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#172992 - 01/29/09 04:12 AM
Re: How can I help my daughter?
[Re: orchid]
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Member
Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
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You have my prayers...bless her heart...I know you're both in pain. I'm sorry to hear this. Hang in there.
_________________________
Dee "They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards
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