Expat,

Welcome to BWS! It is a wonderful place to come, share, and get support. This group has carried me through my divorce and rebuiding my life after the divorce.

Forgive me if anything I say is "out of turn"....I am just going on my interpretaion of what you've said.

My #1 concern is that his "efforts to change", are really an "effort to keep you in his control".

He sounds to me to be subtly abusive and manipulative. (been there, done that, didn't realize it until I was OUT FROM UNDER my ex).

If this is the case (or a possibility)...I would encourage you to get support for yourself through a counselor or a support group (co-dependent group, etc).

Divorce is hard on everyone. If you decide to go that route - I would be happy to share some "I wish I had known" type things with you!

Expat -- Keep coming back and sharing. You can't share too much here - we all have poured out our hearts at one time or another.

Hugs,

Danita

Thank you, ladies, for being honest with Expat. And I especially was hoping you, Danita, would chime in, having known you've recently been thru something similar. This dear one of mine has been the "perfect wife'. Done EVERYTHING for this man....and then some. All the while maintaining some semblance of normalcy for the children.

Danita...what you said here...



I believe, is the "nail on the head"...the fact that he is STILL controlling, but in a NICE way! Hog wash!

Expat,
Welcome. Whatever you decide, I wish you well. I was divorced but forced into it. My son was 13 years old at the time. Nobody
wins when marriage fails, in my opinion. I've been remarried for
a long time. I love my 2nd husband. The only advice I have is, don't do anything too fast. Think things through. Cherish your friendships. Di is level headed; hold tight to her warmth and caring. May the Good Lord watch over you and yours.

Di,
Moral support during times of trouble, is worth more than
gold. If just one person believes in you, you can get
through almost anything. Friendship is a precious commodity! True friends, real friends are a source to be
cherished. And right you are: There is nothing good about
a controlling personality.

Thanks, Jabber. I can only go so far with help since I do not have children. It's hard when you don't walk precisely in ones shoes to give good advice. I've been divorced and not married as long, but w/out kids it's somewhat easier. The emotional ramifications still remain, but the ending of the marriage can be less complicated.

Hello Expat, and glad you are seeking help here, because it's here, where you will find great advice and understanding women.

After reading your post, the one sentence that really stuck out was,..'wanting to be happy again'. I think that is the key. How often do you laugh together? Do you feel comfy with him, or tense and on guard. Can you be yourself, and just feel good about it?

I think very few people manage to be in a perfect marriage. Although I believe there are a few ladies that are blessed with that in our forum.
I for one, am not in a perfect marriage,…but I have decided to stay.
We do laugh together. We do cuddle and feel comfortable together, and we bond on many things. It might not seem that important, but for me, it's vital. That keeps me in this marriage. If I didn't have those light moments, and my life would be more miserable then happy; … I would leave. If you're miserable; like many of us are in between, and that low feeling doesn't go away…ever ever….., no relief comedy, so to speak…. then you should change the situation.

Great advice, EW. She needs to hear different views I think.

I'd keep your appointment and see what the lawyer has to say. You may hear something eye-opening from your lawyer that will help you with your decision.

Baby steps, one day at a time, but look out for yourself, like many others here have shared.

Hi Chatty lady,

Sorry, I should have clarified that separation is also a consideration. Funny you mention the "dating game" again. During my original spell of counselling (on my own) the counsellor suggested the same thing. Unfortunately, I didn't follow her advice and like I said previously, our first attempt at separation was a farce.

If I do go ahead with the separation, I will definitely try that route again. Although I have to confess, I'm not convinced my feelings will change. Having read Danita's comment, she could be talking about my husband! I'm not convinced that his nice ways are sincere. My instinct is telling me it is another way of controlling me. You see, he basically LOVES money! I think he's doing everything in his power to "woo" me into not leaving him, which would mean splitting everything. My previous reference to "financial restrictions" was that basically my spending was restricted, however, his wasn't. A bit of unfairness to say the least. Plus, for the longest time he referred to it as his money. My name wasn't even on our bank accounts until I took him back (Jan. 2008. And THAT is after 23 years of marriage!

Anyway, I'm rambling (there is so many other factors in my situation, I could talk forever!)

I appreciate your comments.

Thank you Danita,

First of all, please feel free to say whatever is on your mind. Hearing that you have been married to a similar type person, it would be nice to "compare" notes.

As I've just mentioned to Chatty lady, you could have been talking about my husband!. In a way, I know he manipulated his way back into my life again. Unfortunately and embarrassingly, I fell for it, only because a close neighbor of mine had just died and I was going through a little bit of a vulnerable stage. I should have taken more time to think it over.

I have to admit that although I consider myself of normal intelligence, I still find it hard to believe that someone (especially a husband!) could treat me the way he did all those years ago. Yes, it could be classified as emotional abuse and in an effort to try and make things work, I know I should try and put that behind me, but it's very hard to forget it. Everytime I look at him, I see this horrible selfish person. This is what gets me, though...If, he is capable of being nice to me, as shown by his recent actions, why wasn't he able to treat me this way from the beginning? You know what I mean? It is just very suspicious to me.

Hi Edelweiss,

Di is right in that it's good to have alternative opinions and you do make a good point.

I've thought about whether I am expecting a perfect marriage, as a few people I've spoken to have hinted to me. However, I don't think I am. All I ever really wanted was a marriage! Two people who do enjoy each other's company, laughing, sharing, etc. We never had that. As I mentioned before, the trouble started as soon as the kids were born. He refused to let me care for my children in such a way that a new mother would have liked, which resulted in arguments and tears right from the start. So to say that I even liked him from that day forward is questionable.

Therefore the type of life I've lead, was mainly for the children. We technically lived two separate lives. I carried on, doing my "wifey" jobs, but my heart wasn't in it at all. I concentrated on the kids as they were more important and I refused to waste my energy arguing with him. He worked from home, but his job took him out of the house in the evenings.I did what I was "told" when he was in the house, then did what I liked when he went out to work. During the day, he would shut himself away, and really only come out for meals, etc.

So, to get back to your original question, no there is no laughter, or cuddles, etc. at all. If I had that, I probably wouldn't complain. He has accused me of having a "barrier" up between us, but I just can't turn on the switch and start loving him again. I feel as though we are just roommates living in the same house and it's been like that for a very long time. Having said that, in his effort of trying to change, I will say that we've probably talked more this past year, after having been reconciled, then we've ever talked in the whole 23 years of marriage!

So yes, it would be nice to have some kind of emotional connection and that is why I am considering the split. I don't think it could ever happen with him again, unless, of course, like Chatty Lady says, we start from scratch.

I was brought up with the notion that marriage is supposed to be happy. A partnership in the full sense of the word. I realize nothing is perfect, but the basic foundation of love, trust and respect has to be there. On that basis, any minor storms" can be weathered. Together.