Ladies, I have a dear close person who will be experiencing divorce. (She is contemplating it, anyway).

Knowing what you know now, what would be your best advice to someone who has been married 23 years with two late-teen children. (One out of the house, one at home) She is 54.

Issues regarding emotions, financial, physical etc. She lives in another country so I cannot be there physically.

Thanks for any advice/input you can provide.

The emotions will be rough, no matter what.

First I'd ask her if she tried every avenue to communicate with him. Is he abusive, on drugs, sleeping around? If no, have they tried to get at the root of their anger? In the States, most "marriage counselors" (even the so-called religious ones) seem to advise their clients to get divorced because it's easier for them than trying to help their clients communicate with each other.

If yes to any, then I'd tell her to consult a lawyer. If she's in another country, the laws of course are different than in the States...and all the states are different too. But she shouldn't move out, unless she wants to risk losing everything.

I always think of the children when I hear of divorce. Even though her kids are older, she should still try to be open and honest with them, and not leave them in the dark. They may be good support for her during this time.

Make sure you stay in touch with her. I'm sure she needs a good friend during this difficult time. As mnay women her can attest, it may be tough now, but the sun will shine again, and soemtimes it shines brighter than ever.

I agree with DJ, she needs to put her emotions aside no matter what and think down the road. She needs to go for the throat money wise as she has the children to care for and will for sometime to come. Never trust the husband who trys to make nice as he is probably only thinking of himself and his wallet. It is possible to remain friends for the kids sake but not necessary. I learned that the hard way. The kids can see their dad and she doesn't have to. Divorce is no picnic and I feel for anyone going through one. Maybe if she is computer savy DI, you can turn her on to this site.

thanks, Gals. It's not been an easy decision for her. I've sent her a link to this thread and she is reading. She may join as she knows I am a member.

I've been divorced before, but it's a whole 'nother ballgame when you have children which I don't. All I know is that it was HARD for me to be totally alone. I'm just meant to be married. I'm not the type to BE alone, but I was much younger then.


Any others out there willing to share?

Having another man waiting in the wings isn't a bad idea either.
One who has some bucks and is lonely, LOL! Kidding but then it is not a bad idea.

hmmmm iv not been divorced but been at court with or over children not mine biologicalie but one i wanted contact to as id been a parent from before birth.

that partner was always very faire, logical and i had no reason to question them when we were privatlie splitting up equitie from house furniture ext.

it wase't untill te court days becouse i wanted to see the kid that i found out id been done out of £25,000. lol thats a lot and becouse i din't think theid become that type of sneekie person.

monie and split ups, protect herself and don't let emotion play the onlie part in her thnking thats too hard or too soft.
How unbiased is her lawer?
Is he capable of making a moral balancing act which is faire to both of them.

iv onli found one so far like that, thats why she is mine now lol.

oh kids is a tough one and such a changable thing, as long as he not hurting the kids as in even saying your mums a so in so etc.

its reallie hard as emotions spill over and i have also said done things i should't have done in front of mine but their we go we all humaine but keeping a focused mindset stops it going overboard. just keep trying to get it or make it ok is about all one can do.

Hi Dotsie,

Let me introduce myself. I am Di's dear close person who is contemplating the divorce. I have been reading all the posts and certainly appreciate everyone's comments. I am still in a state of indecision, but wanted to respond to your comment regarding my children. I have to say they are totally supportive of me in wanting to leave him.

I'll briefly explain my circumstances. My husband changed dramatically after the kids were born, moreso after the second one. It's hard to understand but he became both controlling and neglectful at the same time. He is self employed and although I know the pressures that can bring, his work became more important than his family, so I was left to my own devices with raising the children. "Two under two" at the time and I was a stay at home mom. It's hard to describe in detail all the goings on, but it was a combination of financial restrictions(not being able to buy children's necessities without being questioned), criticism when doing housework (never up to his standard) and some belittling in between. The straw that broke the camel's back and the turning point with my feelings was during a time when my in-laws needed help. Mother in law was in hospital for surgery, father in law in nursing home, so I was "toing" and "froing" between the two of them,in addition to children and school responsibilites. He worked from home and didn't lift a finger to help in any way, even though they were HIS parents. So, when he came out with "What do you do all day?", all I could do was go outside and burst into tears. However, for the children's sake, I carried on being the "dutiful wife".

We separated for 6 months in 2007, but it turned out to be a shambles. I didn't go the "legal" route and he still maintained control of the finances, which defeated the purpose really. While he was gone, I was very happy. My confidence soared, resulting in landing a new job.

I decided to take him back and to be honest, he is making every effort to change. Going out of his way to be attentive, helping with dinner, housework, etc. but my feelings remain the same. The love is gone. I've even tried counselling, but to no avail. It was just a battleground!

All I want is to try and get back to my old self and be happy. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday and I still don't know if I'm doing the right thing! Any other opinions would be appreciated.

I am new to these forums, so please excuse me if I "talked" too much.

Hi Expat, we are happy to welcome you here.

May I try to answer you by saying, if he really is trying and has seen the error of his ways possibly a LEGAL separation would be good for awhile, each living alone. Then you can date him and see if maybe he is serious and you can get the old spark back.

That said, if not, then move on now while there is still time to make a new life for yourself either alone or with someone. All too often these men do everything they can to alianate us and then whalla, for some unknown reason they decice they want us beck again, really!!! Sometimes its just too little, too late! I wish you the best whatever you do.