50 is the new 40, as long as you look 40! If you look 50 then its just 50! I wanna make-over. I'll stand in that glass box and have everyone point and stare and comment on my brown teeth and blotchy skin if it means I can have a make-over. I don't mean a tube of lipstick and a new hair-do that only looks good when a professional does it either. I'm talking lifts, tucks, implants, veneers, the full monty. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with looking surprised, it must be better than being invisible.

I have a beautiful spirit but no one notices it because if is wrapped in 53 year old, sun damaged skin. Everyone knows that presentation is everything. You don't present a gorgeous diamond in a gunny sack.

Ok, Louie notices my beautiful spirit, but only if I have turkey in my hand. Louie is my daughters 135 lb. dog!

I don't know if it's much consolation, but WE notice your beautiful spirit. In fact, it's dazzling!

I used to feel so invisible. Still do sometimes. I'm 53 too. The only time I don't feel invisible and wish I was is when my rosacea breaks out and puts big red blotches all over my face. (But that doesn't happen anymore ever since my brother bought me Proactiv).

Anyway, I've decided I don't want a makeover, I just want to fix the "wiring in the attic". I wish there were plastic surgeons who could makeover my mind and spirit as easily as they makeover boobs and tummies!

Heya Quirky!

Invisible does NOT feel good...I've felt invisible at various times in my life and while it should be enough for us to know within ourselves that we have something to offer others...sometimes its just NOT enough and we feel the need for confirmation and affirmation from folks we come in contact with.

Hey Eagleheart...that mind and spirit makeover might just be the thing!!

i recall feeling "invisible" as a small child on the playground (didn't know that's what it was but remember back to first or second grade and recall the feeling of just one incident - imagine if it were constant).

then, in my late forties, i recall feeling it again . . .i had been attractive in my youth and early adulthood, so got lots of positive feedback based on the exterior. when the shell began aging and i no longer got the positive feedback, i recall feeling invisible and i was very angry about it for a long time.

i finally came to terms with not valuing myself by my looks or what people thought or didn't think of me, but it took a long time (i am sixty-ish).

can you say more about what it is like for you and what is going on with you around this issue? only if it is comfortable, of course.

i am young one on heer but i heer couse i love ya all lol.

i turned 40 in november, (yes a scorpio lolplezzzzzzzz don't hate me for that) my frend told me 40 was the new 50. Another frebnd left my companie after a night out shouting great and happie belate 30th! thing is turning 30 was a drama for me, 40 was no probes apart from fact my 4 neralie 5 yr old son keeps tell everyone my number (age) as its the same as his with a 0 ie i am 4 my mums a 4...0 fourtie lol. when i sit dowen next to him on the sofa he says "my your getting so big now!" becouse i tell him this with preide lol.

did i just go off on a ramble lol oppps.

i got new glasses recentlie, trying them on in the shop and talking to other custemers having a bit of fun and whishing i had a mate with me for a second oppinion, i was chatting to this women about 50 or so./ we chatted complimented each other on styles she just before leaving said " sure, don't know why i bothering to be fussie, who's looking at me anyway" my hart sank for her and for the fact this thing bleeding dose happen!

i also made te transision to something els internale being more value for me but now adays i have found myself wonderring weer my cheekbones and jawline went to and why thers not the same room above my eye for eyshadow thse days, also changies in skin means no more poweder (makes my lines perminent lol well more so) when i was young and i gess taking it for granted none of this mattered now its going, its udenlie becomming important.

witness this ladies! poppie on heer promised she buy me a face lift and a tummie tuck when she finished her studies and gets rich and famouse, (rich would be enough lol) rember she said it i just writting so you tell her off if she dose't keep her word in about 3 years lol

seriouslie i have pulled bits of my extra bits about and wondered if id actulie have the guts and peace of mind to go do something cosmetic in several years time, i don't know if i could.

iv a currentlie great hairstyle that dose't have me invisable but sometimes i do get the wrong type of attension lol and sometimes too much attension.

back to subject generallie i resent living such a youth focused culture, id love more positive and attractive trates assosiated with women and agein. falling that we are left with having to change our attitudes to looks or finding somethin within ourselfs thats valuable and uniquike. Can it trulie be done i wonder without a feeling of a consilasion prise becouse looks have gone.

has anyone had those types of surgerie?

i am ramblin as its now 9 on christmass eve morning and iv had 3 or 4 hours sleep so excouse me

Quirkyalone, I was lying in bed early this morning (3am insomnia) thinking about events of the day, and I wandered back to this thread. I wondered if my comment about your beautiful spirit being "dazzling" came across too glib - it's one of those words that could be taken different ways. I meant it in the most beautiful way. Ever since you arrived here, I've noticed how carefully you listen to others here, and your responses and posts have been caring and sensitive. For me, there are some voices in the world that radiate such a beautiful light, and that's what I "see" when you speak. Since I am working my way through another wee bout of depression right now, every flicker of light that touches my heart is welcome and healing. I don't want to minimize your pain or sense of invisibility in any way (I so understand), but I also didn't want to keep my impression of you to myself...I, for one, DO see the dazzling diamond behind whatever "gunny sack" your eyes see.

You are all so sweet.

Eagle, I to suffer from depression but thankfully found antidepressants in my early 40's. I personally think they shoule put prozac in the water supply. To h*** with floride! I also have bouts of insomnia, where I wake up and worry about what I did or did't say, not to mention, did I forget to feed the cat! I didn't see your comment as glib at all. I assumed you are one of those rare people that see the 'good' in everyone!

Seek: I have felt alone at different times in my life for different reasons. The isolation of being a young mother and not knowing other people in the same life space and with a husband that did not talk to me or seem to notice me. I moved on and found the love of my life. After 5 years of my never doing anything right I had learned to protect my heart by not caring anymore and with wine. It has been 2 years and I am making my bed again and combing my hair! I have a wonderful life. I am doing the job I was meant to do (not making any money at it, but that is another thread) I have a beautiful home with a view of my pond. etc. etc. But, I want someone to share it with. Just to sit on the porch and discuss the days events.

I even tried all of the dating sites but I don't seem to interest anyone except men 20 years older than I. My first husband was 17 years my senior. Been there done that. The dating thing is for the worst dates thread .

I feel that if it isn't shared then it isn't real. That isn't quite right but can't think of how to put it.

I will have to finish this saga later as my daughters Birthday cake is ready to come out of the oven. Yes, she was born Christmas morning!

oh yes, i forgot about how it feels to be isolated at home with kids. for me it was "alone in suburbia" (another reason why i hate suburbia).

i understand what you are saying about wanting to share with someone. do you journal?

there are things i would like to do with someone that i might never get to do and that kind of stinks.

most of the time i accept things (and then sometimes i don't!)

thanks for sharing and have a happy celebration!

Eagle Heart is right, everyone has beauty, it's from the inside!

Seek, sometimes little things can make the big difference.
If you want any help in that, I can help you.

The surgery is a big step and one must think about losing respect of those they know. Wrinkles can be beautiful, I see it all the time in aging models.

But there are things, the slightest thing, like new glasses, etc... that can make a difference.

I'm all about that feild because of being forced into it at a young age. If I can help, let me know, or go to the fashion forum and ask questions, there are many who may have good ideas.

Maybe you just need a few tweaks and changes made?

In the meantime, remember, character is beautiful. The most beautiful person can become ugly before your eyes when they start to talk!

Warmest regards,
Dancer

Hi Quirky

Well, here comes the "Parrot" (maybe that is what I should change my screen name to!...grin).

I've never been one whose physical attributes seemed to make her stand out from the crowd (other than being 5'9" in a world of shorter women). I was known, from a very early age (like 2) for being talkative and smart and believe me, in my family, those weren't good things! My mom expressed, on more than one occasion, her wish that I would be more like my cousin...nice, quiet, reserved...blah blah blah.

So for someone who never thought she was beautiful, it was an interesting thing, this aging bit, especially when I started the online dating gig when I was in my late 40s (now 51 and married). I loved talking to the guys online or on the phone and got serious anxiety attacks when they said "hey, how about a movie or coffee or something". I wasn't the skinny minny, I had "weird" beliefs, and wasn't conventionally beautiful...all of which seemed important when I started reading profiles: "Hi, I'm an old fart, with a belly that hangs over my beltline by a mile and I want a slim, tanned, toned goddess who wants sex by the bucketful". Not too much of an exaggeration I tell you, especially after 3 years of on again/off again dating!

What is interesting is that guy after guy met me and commented on my "beauty", threw me for a loop I tell ya! If I had more than 1 date, I found that they were seeing me through lenses that I wasn't using: they *were* seeing kindess, compassion, laughter, joy, passion. All those things. I was totally stunned. I was holding them "small" by my own focus (I mean no disrespect to anyone by the way).

That doesn't mean all of the dates went well, and that is feedback I got frequently. Turns out I was the one totally freaked about the outer, not them. That doesn't mean there weren't others who wanted the conventional, outer beauty...they weren't even in my sphere because of the spiritual/metaphysical bent to my profile.

I, too, (no duh, eh?) have felt isolated, although I have felt it less as I've looked at the world through different lenses. I was one of those who wanted people around ALL the time and wanted EVERYONE I met, or didn't meet, to like me, want to be around me, adore me, yes, adore me (although I couldn't adore me for all the tea in China!!).

I say I would love to have my eyes done and my face "resurfaced" and my belly tucked and veneers. And I would. Or at least I thought I would until the plastic surgeon who was removing a gazillion moles said "hey, I could take care of those eyes for you and resurface your skin...and it is only $5500 and has the same risks as any other surgery". Having had about 14 surgeries in my lifetime, I'm not sure I want to take on those risks AND I want those things done and my DH said "sure, go ahead honey, you want to be in the public eye, right". I was devastated, positively devastated, when he said that! Took him some fast talking to convince me that he loved me, with or without the surgery. He managed to hit a very tender spot, what I call a button, big time.

In addition to all the things I have commented on regarding physical appearance, I had stopped buying clothes that fit me well...either physically or stylistically. I look best in a rather eclectic, colorful wardrobe and had gotten into the habit of wearing black, black and more black...oversized, wrongsized and othersized. Which meant I felt invisible and wanted to be so that no one could hurt me by saying something like "what is that fat old broad doing wearing something like *that*! And it became a vicious circle.

I had it come up again when I attended a training class this summer in San Francisco. It seemed, to me anyway, that the women all had beautiful clothes, striking jewelry, and slim to slightly rounded bodies. And I felt my old pain.

When I returned home, I was having a discussion with a young man who has a heart of gold, is a single parent with sole custody, young and is VERY easy on the eyes. We were discussing some business issues and life changes came up and off we were on another tangent. The issue of looks and my insecurities came up and he was speechless, for a moment. He said "Mama, don't you realize NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, can say what you look like or even notices? When you stand up to speak, or share, or coach, the only thing any of us sees is your passion for life! Don't you realize you changed my life and perceptions, forever, when we were last together?"

I was speechless...not an easy thing to accomplish I'll tell you. And once again was reminded that maybe, just maybe, it is the set of lenses I'm using when I get depressed, feel invisible, unloved or unnoticed.

I've learned that the more I change my outlook and my perceptions, the more I things in a different way. And there are days it sucks, big time, and I don't want to try to revamp my thinking or change my word choice, or keep working on me. I want everyone else to see it my way...I swear, that is when the
the 2 year old is stomping her foot and wanting the rest of the world to cater to her!

FYI: I write what I write with no intention of casting any aspersions or unkindnesses to previous posters

All the tucks and lifts and fake this and that won't help a darn thing if you do not feel beautiful from within. Its dam hard when over 60, (cough, cough, who said that?)

Anyway, truth is truth, when aging or older already you have to shine from within because all the cosmetic stuff fades fast if those eyes don't sparkle and that smile doesn't light up the room, and that ladies can only come from within.

I think we are all hot, we are women, hear us roar...

Maybe I'm the odd one here because I've never felt invisible. Even when I try, I don't seem to have that knack.

It took a few years after menopause to get used to the physical changes. I didn't feel like ME for a while. Then I said -- screw it all, this is who I am now and if someone has a problem with it, it's THEIR problem.

I've had my share of medical surgery and have no desire to go under the knife again unless absolutely necessary. If someone thinks less of me because I'm getting older and not jumping through hoops to hide it -- that just tells me what a shallow stupid person they are, and Do I care??

I'm not trying to be flippant about anyone else's problems. I just wish women weren't so beaten down by society's expectations.

I've never felt invisible either Meredith. I have a don't care attitude mostly. I don't care what others think about me, It's what I think about me that's important. I said screw society and what they think is proper when I was in my early 20's.
As for aging...well it beats the alternative.

Mama Red, Hooray for your post! You said it all! It all comes from within.

I never feel invisable either. My genes are aging well but some things I never liked about myself. I just had to learn all the lessons that Mama said.

I have modeled and I have done some of that again for boomer looks but I never really saw beauty in the mirror. It took liking myself to bring that into focus.

Also, if one does not feel well, it can show. If you are happy and well, I think your smile DOES light up a room, even IF you are sixty and I know a few women who are.

Age is becoming a number thanks to the boomer people and that is one thing we can leave for the next generation. We will age nicely and if we can stay away from the knife in a big way, it would help.

As Meredith said, plastic surgery is down, down, down, with the economy down. I think that's great. It might change the way we look at ourselves and stop that lift from looking real, the way others believe it is on television. The face lift looks weird to me, but that's just me.

What's in a face? Everything. If someone changes your eyes, your face, your mouth, you get someone else back, just look at the actresses who have gone under the knife!

I have a friend who has had so many lifts that at the age of sixty something, she has what may look like from afar, a young body and face. If you get close to her she looks alien! I'm not kidding, she needs to stop with the lipo, the face and eye lifts, etc...

Only my opinion.

Dancer

Hi Dancer!

Thanks...it has been an interesting and challenging journey sometimes and it says a LOT about the fact that I let others determine how I felt about me! And as I tell coaching clients, it is your perception that can change, if you choose for it to!

I'm more relieved for being valued who I am as a person at this time in life.

The whole business of feeling "invisible" or "visible" is abit ironic to me...when I spent alot of time as a teenager to minimize visible differences since there were approx. 15 Asians in a school population of 2,000 where I went.

So my personal past demons was more on feeling like a real visible minority. Issues of beauty were important but secondary in my "angst" at that time.

The most important thing to me as I age, is to look and sound alert and lively.

It's difficult for me to be "invisible" since I'm a plus size woman!

I find I often get puzzled looks from younger folks when I mention certain TV programs, actors/actresses, singers, songs, etc. I call it the DL (dumb look).

Also, because I'm quite the technological virgin, I've received the rolling of the eyes because I don't know how to operate a digital camera.

I have body parts that are traveling south, and aches and pains and stiffness, but I still have a young spirit. I am a woman who is proud to be 56. My life has, and continues to be, an adventure.

People can say "50 is the new 40" all they want. As for me, I'd rather not go back in time.

Hi NYWoman!

Nice to meet you and I'm a plus size woman too...with red hair, 'cuz I say so! And, when I can find things I like, I love color! So I'm definitely not physically invisble, that's for sure!

So you're a technology virgin, eh? I bet you *do* get some interesting looks!!!!!! Seems like we're all "SUPPOSED" to know all this stuff.

I'm glad to hear you don't want to go back in time...means you're enjoying what you have and who are you right now!

I agree with both of you MamaRed and NYWoman. Altough I see no corralation with being plus size and being computer nerdy, I too am both. I stay away from the younger know it all types, they really tick me off sometimes. But the realization that no matter what they are now, they shall one day be fat and probably sappy too and that makes me smile...

I wonder if every woman in the world doesn't suffer from insomnia, slight depression, and various insecurities. Females
are sensitive creatures. Females are complex, physically and
emotionally. I have a notion that what one feels, others feel
as well. Personally, I'd rather know someone with a warm spirit,
than know someone beautiful outside and cold as ice inside.
My advice: Get out the olive oil, moisturizers, etc. and walk, walk, walk. Before long, you'll be glad you're you!

Orchid,
I'm positive you were a beautiful child, young woman, and are a beautiful woman now. Your race makes you unique when you are around the crowd you were in school, unique and exotic.

You are exotic anytime you are surrounded by "white," Americans and if they don't see your beauty they are blind. I saw photos of you and your partner and you ARE a beautiful woman.

Thinking you are out of the "game," is wrong, you maintain that beauty and in some cases, more so than others.

Dancer

Didn't mean to imply you're not glad you're U. That was silly.
Must've been half asleep when I wrote that. dancer said she saw
your picture. Guess I missed that along the way. Sorry. As long
as we're breathing, we're never out of the "game"; you hang in
there. Things work out for the best in the long run. IMO. At least that's what the Good Book says.