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#162214 - 10/09/08 04:49 AM When family is far away
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Last few days I've been away 'cause one of my sisters was visting and staying with us for a few days. She is the lst close family member from my side that I have seen in the past 14 months. All of my siblings, their children and my parents live 4,300+ kms. several provinces east of me. This means over 15 people. (Of course there is a whole basket of cousins --first & 2nd in the same province..who I don't know well which is ok. But they are also part of who I am also.)

I cannot afford to fly out every year to visit them and hence, chose this year not to. Though in past I did fly out annually but usually there was also double reason to this, a wedding or work related conference to tack on.

It was great time with this sister..showing her wonderful sights about town, etc. As usual got updated on family news. I feel sad and now realize that family, in the most positive moments, define at the very core root who we are. Even if we don't get along with family members fantastically.

Which does bring up a point that the reality that this forum could never fulfill for me certain things.

When family is so far away..more unusual things happen. ie. I got a 50th birthday gift and some cards....4 months in advance! shocked
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#162217 - 10/09/08 07:06 AM Re: When family is far away [Re: orchid]
Edelweiss2 Offline


Registered: 09/09/08
Posts: 779
Loc: American living in Germany
Family is something you have, not choose. It’s always good to make the best of it.

Glad you had such a good time with your sister Orchid.

In four months you will be 50? Are you planning a family reunion then?

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#162219 - 10/09/08 08:07 AM Re: When family is far away [Re: Edelweiss2]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Orchid
a new woman joined my team when I was teaching.She was beautiful helpful great worker with experience in autisim beyond what I had at that time.She freely shared..telephoned at nights..would Say lovely things e.g she had just lit a candle facing my way.
She believed out team was her "family" gave so much to everyone.
Birthdays she would have cake..streamers and was like a ray of sunshine.i am glad she came into my life.
But she was not "family"
My reality is that we have those we are born into.Genes or adopted.Who we hear even in babyhood see around us and absorb into our being.
As I have aged I have somewhat returned to that place..it seems close.
friendship for me recreates a kind of "kinship" Here we would say a clan.
Virtual relationships have not been around to stand the test of time..
Within family dynamics we see behaviour that we merge into..on a forum people can show traits I have no experience of..and being a public place do not always say what I would to a family member
.Where a person would have a euphanisim ..to express either regard or disappointment.To diffuse hostiliy or bring it into the open maybe quarrel.
I have had many relationships..school...church.. study .political allies..neighbours but family..one I was born into..warts and all.and one I created with my chosen one.
So I agree that your realisation is one I share.

One point is one I have recently shared with a good friend.Family cannot provide everything emotional or practical.hairdressing..heavy gardening my minister doctor and health providers.Life would be narrow and shallow if a family did.But I attempt to have practioners who I respect and who do not erode me or my values.In return I respect them .
MOUNTAIN ASH

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#162225 - 10/09/08 11:51 AM Re: When family is far away [Re: Mountain Ash]
Kathryn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/02
Posts: 317
Loc: Towson
Funny, distance between family is not always geographic. I have/had 5 brothers one now deceased. One lives within a 10 minute walk of my house, two others within a 10 minute drive. The oldest is about an hour away. So not much travel would be involved in staying connected. However, we see very little of each other and that's very unfortunate. Something changed when our parents died. For me, I wanted to draw nearer, made alot of overtures trying to get us together, to get our children together. But the boys just drifted off and their wives and children with them for the most part. I actually have more frequent, consistent communication with my aunt in San Diego than I do with my brothers around the corner. It used to bother me, but honestly, it just doesn't any longer. My children and I have a very strong bond and are all very close, even with one of them far away in Iraq. My brothers will always be in my heart, but my family, as I understood it, just doesn't exist anymore. That's not a terrible thing, just reality, and I hope as time goes by, we will remake ourselves into something else...not better or worse, just different.
I guess the good news about this situation is, it's very hard to have family squabbles this way! Silver lining!

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#162246 - 10/09/08 06:32 PM Re: When family is far away [Re: Kathryn]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Once again, due to the weakness of a loved one, my brother and sisters and I are intimately involved in one another's lives. All of us are in different places than when Mom was sick and dying, and we were caring for her around the clock. Kids are out of the house, different jobs, retirement in one case, and so on. I'm grateful for these relationships that seem to spark (in a good way)when needed. Funny how we make time for one another when a crisis occurs. At other times, we wax and wane with being in touch.
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#162247 - 10/09/08 06:33 PM Re: When family is far away [Re: Kathryn]
keyholes Offline


Registered: 09/08/06
Posts: 178
Loc: Ohio the heart of it all
I feel I could probably write a book on family and distance. I have a sister in California, a daughter in Nevada, another daughter in Pennsylvania, a third daughter in Michigan, and other family scattered hill and dale through out the country. Of course, not like Orchid or Kathryn...mine are all at least here in the States.

But I digress. Yes, there can be closer relationships between relatives who are geographically far apart than there are with relatives who live next door to each other.

Still...sigh...I do miss days when I was growing up and we ALL lived within the same city...it sure would be nice to visit without having to buy plane tickets or drive long distances at times.

There seems to be a trend that families do not seem to live close any more. When I was a child, we were all (siblings, cousins, neices/nephews, aunts/uncles, grandparents, etc.) all lived within the same city. Now my family is so scattered!! I wonder why it has become that way?

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#162273 - 10/09/08 09:42 PM Re: When family is far away [Re: keyholes]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I never realized how devastating it was for my own mother to have her three daughters marry and then move away. UNTIL my own sons became invisible to me. One I haven't seen for 15 years now due to his circumstances, not mine. The other lives right here across town but may as well live in Africa or somewhere as far as often as I see him...

I too wonder why it is this way now a days, but since I was one of those kids who moved away, now I am getting my just deserts...
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#162300 - 10/10/08 04:25 AM Re: When family is far away [Re: chatty lady]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
It must be painful..when one's own children avoids visiting their parent(s) for several years and the parent(s) realizes this or the visit(s) cannot occur for various reasons.

I didn't do alot of stuff with siblings when I lived in the same city as they and for latter 10 years, when all of us had our individual homes before I relocated far away. I would hear /see from an immediate family member every 3 wks. That is about the right type of frequency such as ours, especially when my parents were younger.

Different from some people who seem to do ALOT of stuff several times per wk. with a sibling..when each person lives at a different address.

While there are certain things /facets of me that my own family would not understand, there are other parts of myself where it would be a family member that would sense/understand without much analysis, a sense of mutual understanding within a framework of long family historic living together.

We are not the type of family that all of us as adults could live happily ever after under 1 roof. But proof, that we can with sanity and peace, live in the same metropolitan city and still keep in touch, with variations of closeness/distance amongst family network.

The latest is another sister, doesn't want to participate in annual Christmas get-together this year. There's nothing i can do about this without creating further messes because I'm so far away geographically and cannot assess the situation correctly.

Very bewildering..especially when my parents are getting older, not younger. Knowing my mother and her temper, she is probably puzzled and hurt and this can manifest into something unpleasant later in huge guilt trips ..unless things sort out. Which they might.

Also being part of a large family, but far away, some miscommunication and huge missing gaps of information. Person X assumes I was told, because it was such big news to Person Y.

I don't agree with the whole concept of a family all living and dying in the same tiny geographic area and only seeing each other plus 1-2 friends. A family grows in understanding and awareness of the world, when each person is loved and set free to become the best of who they are and they come back to share something new with other family members.

Could I have done so much cycling and seeing different parts of North America, if I stuck to my family circle as a social circle? Most likely not..
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#162307 - 10/10/08 09:33 AM Re: When family is far away [Re: orchid]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
My Great Grandparents had five children.Due to economic reasons all three sons emigrated after the 1926 depression here.Two to Canada one to Austalia.It was not until long after their parents died that two sons returned to visit.In those days their task was to forge a new life in a new world.money was needed to do that.
Her two daughters stayed locally.
These sisters remained close until death for my Greataunt Kate.Their children all being close.It made for much interaction as all we children in time(my generation)joind this clan.So I attended many wedding social events and due to this gained so much.
For I believe socialisation is equal to education.That in tandem it is what makes us all ready for the world.Within the safety of my own "tribe" I was nurtured.Never allowed to feel afraid .nor ever allowed to "be conceited or get above myself"
yet never put down.Each saturday evening when the radio played the adults rolled back the rugs and we danced.Whoever called would join in.I would sit on top of the sideboard and sing solo Scottish songs.word perfect.My party piece.One day I said I would like to listen and not sing..This was OK too
I had two older cousins and a second cousin from Aunt Kate.from them I Learned about school before I started and later the facts of life filtered down.they did my plaits then curled my hair.I used their moses basket.. their pram.. wore their clothing.In turn cousins learned from me.SO a shared kinship set me on my way to adulthood.
Even now I can feel the blanket of security family gave me.If ever I have felt low just remembering keeps me going.
In caring and teaching my first values have equiped me to build foundations for others.
Friends have brought joy and expanded my life but my kin shaped me..
Mountain ash

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#162340 - 10/10/08 05:56 PM Re: When family is far away [Re: Mountain Ash]
keyholes Offline


Registered: 09/08/06
Posts: 178
Loc: Ohio the heart of it all
So many good points. And I did not mean to sound as if I were upset that my family is scattered or angry about it or even lonely and pining away. But I had grown up in a family that was pretty close knit...heck if my parents wanted to do something for the evening, my dad would call us to the back door and say "go to Aunt Celia's house, mom and I are going out for the evening." We'd walk to Aunt Celia's, she'd call mom and dad to say we were there. We'd walk to other relative's homes too to play, chat, visit.

I kind of miss those simpler days.

MountainAsh, you bring up such a good point about how children have over generations moved away to forge new lives and contribute to things elsewhere in the world. And in a way, my "tribe" in Toledo (where I grew up), in that neighborhood, nurtured me too. I cannot wish for what I had for my children; I must wish for what they desire and for them to grow. I never believed my children were brought into this world to amuse me or keep me company as they grew up. I sort of bask in a glow though knowing I helped contribute to a better world by encouraging them to fly away for better educations, newer ways of life, while keeping them grounded with some decent moral and ethical decision-making abilities.

And yes, while I do wish sometimes still to have family closer by, this has brought me a gift like you mentioned MountainAsh. It has caused me to make friends in unexpected places. That is something very valuable to me.

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