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#161989 - 10/07/08 02:07 AM Is it possible?
Whirlwind Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/05
Posts: 261
Loc: Atlanta, GA
Well, I've met someone new. This one is gainfully employed (actually has a couple of income streams), and isn't homeless. Those few things are a BIG step up from what I've seen over the past few years. Oh, and not much baggage (but he has been single for most of his adult life which means he's set in his ways. That's not a bad thing, because I'm set in mine too, so hopefully we can understand each other's needs in that regard). Can two people like that respect the freedom each requires and forge ahead?

He seems like a decent, caring guy. Y'all keep fingers and toes crossed for luck please.

But this is really the reason for this post. I've been thinking, what are my intentions "if" he and I "do" have a miracle and hit it off?

How do we single, independent, HAPPY females fit a "real" relationship into our lives without losing ourselves in the process. Is that even possible?

Just curious. I'm willing to do a lot, but I'm also NOT willing to give up certain things.

Whirlwind

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#161990 - 10/07/08 02:21 AM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Whirlwind]
Dancing Dolphin Offline
Member

Registered: 03/06/06
Posts: 2529
Loc: Southern California
Whirlwind, if it gets that far, he probably has similar feelings. Being on your own for some time allows you to live the way you want, so it might be difficult to fit someone else in. But if you are both open about this, it could be a good thing.

He may be like many men, and think that you'll want his attention 24/7, but if he realized you like to have your space, he may very much appreciate that fact.

I wish you all the best!! Keep us posted...

K

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#161994 - 10/07/08 03:19 AM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Whirlwind]
cyclinggal Offline


Registered: 09/10/08
Posts: 63
Loc: Arkansas
Whirlwind -- Just take it very slow and develop a good friendship and really get to know each other. Over time, I think some of your questions will be answered. I think it is essential to know yourself and those things on which you can or cannot compromise. But, sometimes we become too rigid and inflexible and miss wonderful opportunities to really get to know someone. Also, I think you have to assess what it is you might be giving up or compromising on in relation to what you are receiving. In any event, there must be good communication and respect for each other. It is essential that you reveal your true self to him at the very beginning.

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#162003 - 10/07/08 11:53 AM Re: Is it possible? [Re: cyclinggal]
Kathryn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/02
Posts: 317
Loc: Towson
Hi Whirlwind,
I've been having similar thoughts about what a relationship will look like now that I've learned the hard lessons that come after married to mental illness, divorce, and learning to be single. Like you, I've come to enjoy my autonomy. I yearn for a relationship too, but wonder if all my hard learned, hard earned lessons will be lost and I'll revert to the person who used to be married. My hope for both of us is that we find the kind of person who is comfortable enough to be together when you're together and happily apart when one or another of you wants individual space. And I think the advice you received about building a solid friendship will make that possible. Meantime, enjoy the newness and the companionship and just try not to lose your way. I wish you the best!
kathryn

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#162014 - 10/07/08 01:19 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Kathryn]
Mama Red Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 676
Loc: Wauconda, IL
Hi Whirlwind

What a beautiful post...thank you for sharing it with us! I so enjoy hearing about relationships and what is happening within them.

Many years ago, I was challenged by a guy I met on Match.com to put down in writing what I wanted in a relationship. I had never thought to do that. Being me, I *had* to rise to the challenge (grin) and ended up with a 12 page document that I shared with men I was even somewhat serious about.

I prioritized my "have to haves" and then my "nice to haves" and then all the other stuff.

My best advice is to make sure you know what is important to you and stick to your guns on those and be flexible on other things that may not be so important to you.

I see you having the perfect relationship for you! Whatever that may be!
_________________________
Love and light, hugs and blessings

MamaRed (Jerilynne)
www.mamaredspeaks.com
www.onemillionacts.com
Coming Summer 2009 "Kick-Butt Kindness: 52 No Cost Ways to Ripple Kindness 'Round the World"

Let's create Kick-Butt-and-Take-Names Lives!

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#162023 - 10/07/08 03:01 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Whirlwind]
keyholes Offline


Registered: 09/08/06
Posts: 178
Loc: Ohio the heart of it all
Whirlwind, everyone has really good points. I think it's possible that two people can respect, honor, cherish the independence/freedom each requires and enable the relationship to grow.

Maybe just stop wondering and enjoy the opportunity and let it grow? Sometimes it seems the best of all miracles reveal themselves slowly when we put our expectations aside.

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#162037 - 10/07/08 04:39 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: keyholes]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
How about one day at a time? Just let the relationship unfold and appreciate it for what it is today. I have a feeling if it's meant to be, you'll figure out the independence piece.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#162062 - 10/07/08 07:08 PM Re: Is it possible? [Re: Dotsie]
Whirlwind Offline
Member

Registered: 01/18/05
Posts: 261
Loc: Atlanta, GA
This may sound odd, but I’m not “hoping” for anything at all with this, except friendship. My purpose in getting together is to have a good time, and that is my only “expectation.” To say there is no pressure is a huge understatement. I’m hoping that feeling is mutual, because I truly don’t have the time (or even more important, the desire) to spend on anything more right now. I’m too “into” my own stuff (and having a blast I might add).

All but one of the men I’ve dated since being divorced have been focused on getting married, sometimes as soon as possible. A few have even said they weren’t complete if they weren’t half of a couple. I don’t understand that thinking and knew immediately I was NOT the one for them.

One of the morning radio talk shows today posed the question to listeners, “How soon after you began dating your husband/wife did you tell the person you loved them?” The answers were astounding. Many (mostly men) waited very little time at all (one was only 3 weeks). He said they’d been married for 26 years now, so I guess he knew it was right.

But I’ve experienced that too, more than once. The last two guys I dated waited barely a month before expressing “love and forever.” And my thought was the same each time: “You don’t know me, how can you love me?”

I read an interesting article the other day, about how men think about these things. One of the paragraphs talked about a man who had been with his girlfriend for almost three years. She was ready to settle down and he wasn’t, so they parted ways. Six months later, his life was more “in order” with a better job, most of his friends had married, etc., so he proposed to and married his current girlfriend. The point of the paragraph was, “Women think about settling down when they find the “right” man. Men think about settling down with whomever they are with, when things in their life are “right.” Interesting.

Thanks again ladies. You’re all gems!

Whirlwind

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