Smile,

I am an example of Harietta's love (had to redefine God, over the years, decided to call my new idea, Harietta) for sure. I am just a small, little person, who recieved a HUGE blessing, in the form of Nichole. It's she who is reaching out and sending us all strengths we didn't expect to find....When I first heard of her brain tumor, and the expectations of her life, I didn't think I could hold on for another minute. This pain slashed so thoroughly through my very soul, that I became a mute. I couldn't talk. I couldn't think. I could only mimic life. Walking around, listening to doctors upon doctors. Upon doctors. Which I thought had no true knowledge about what was really happening....Certainly they knew words like , craniopharyngioma. They knew brain stem things, they knew pituitaries and hypothalmus. They knew cortisol, anti-diuretic hormone, thyroid hormone, female hormones, and a very frightening hormone - growth. Linear growth. They knew nothing. Nothing at all.......

Had I known then, what the years for her would have been like, and the years for us too, I would surely have taken us both to a mountain top in Montana, and jumped off.

But I didn't. A good thing. So day by day by day by day, she improved. So did I. But it was SO hard. REALLY hard. Not just a little hard, but as hard as it gets.....And this proved to be just the beginning.......

Things got worse after awhile. The seizures began. And then they really tanked. Seizures so severe that she became blue, quit breathing altogether....She must have had a thousand of them, maybe more. For 18 years. We lived in hospitals. Mayo Clinic. 3 months at least, on several occasions. Semi-comas,near death from one thing or another. But ALWAYS coming through. Always coming back to her sweet self - ok, not so sweet always, not me either - but we made it every time. So many times. So many.

But Nichole was a champion. She taught me to try and try and try and try. I still cannot believe she hung on as long as she did. She was aware of everything - the sadnessess of her life, the monumental efforts needed by her and me, and Sam. Still, she tried every day. And just as she was finally beginning to see some light in her future, some hope that she could live in the true sense......

She had found a young man who was a life -guard at the Y where she went to swim with her attendant 3 times a week. He was so nice to her, and treated her with respect and dignity. She began to like him.....Of a sudden, Nichole would ask me to buy new perfume, lipstick, blush. "Do you think we could streak my hair, Mom?" Absolutely! Let's go get some stuff right now!

Two days later, she was gone.

Strength? I didn't have it. She gave it to me. And still does....So we all have strength we didn't know we possessed....through the great wonder of loving. The greatest strength of all.

Search

I know all about the past ruling your life -- and almost ruining the lives of everyone around you because of that "need" to live there. I came to this conclusion and I refuse to let myself forget it ---

The past is good for remembering three things; what we DONT want to be anymore, what/who we DONT want in our lives anymore, where we NEVER want to be again.

Good memories and family and friends arent in our past -- they stay with us in the today and the future -- even if it's only in our hearts.

You aren't your past -- unless you CHOOSE to be.

You may have had the most horrible upbringing, relationships, experiences along the way -- but the bottom line -- YOU CHOOSE TO BE WHO YOU ARE !
No one else can MAKE YOU be anything else.

WHY? because you're NOT a child anymore. No matter how childlike you feel at times -- you're an adult and have the right and know how to draw those boundaries.

So what are the boundaries? For me, it's anything that makes me hurt inside -- any memory or experience or person that pulls me down to their level. My mother might have done me wrong as a child, but I refuse to allow her to keep me from growing as an adult. And for that reason, I can enjoy being around her now.

I enjoy LIFE now -- My hubby enjoys ME now. I'm a better mother and grandmother now. And where I thought God had abandoned me -- I now know that it was ME that abandoned HIM. It's not that he didn't hear me -- I couldn't hear HIM due to all the "PAST" in my life.

We all "go there" -- it's human nature to have a pity party now and then -- makes us stronger to pick ourselves up, shake it off and move on.

The secret is to know when to leave the party !

Lionspaaw, WOW what an uplifting post, so full of the positive truths of life. You took my breath away with the wisdom you shared. Glad your posting again wondered where you went. Everyone reading this post can learn that no one controls us but us...simple, but for some reason hard to realize by some....

[ January 11, 2006, 08:33 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

Lion,
Amen!

smile

Lionspaaw, I have to echo Chatty's "WOW". I read your post earlier this morning but didn't have time to respond. But your words have been settling into my soul, making a lot of wise sense to me who has spent far too much time lately in the past, especially remembering the last few weeks of my Mom's death (I read an article in a magazine last month that raised some old regrets and I haven't been able to shake them off).

Your words made me realize again that I have to get out of that place. No amount of stewing over the "what if's" and "could have's" will rewind the tape or make any difference to what's already happened. I have to once again forgive myself, shake off the sense of failure, and keep moving ahead. That whole experience of watching my Mom die the say she did might well be one of those areas in my memory I have to fence off and resolve not to delve into again. What was, was. I can't do anything to change that past.

Thank you so much for writing, Lionspaaw. It's ALWAYS a joy and delight to hear your voice again.

Thanks for the "welcome back" ladies.

You're right chatty - it's really hard sometimes to remember that it's OUR life - must be a "woman" thing ;-)

Eagle Heart - we're so busy trying to please everyone else, take care of family or pets or a career or all three. Perhaps that's why it's so easy to get caught up in that "failure thing" and slip back into that world of regret. We wear ourselves out trying to be what everyone one around us is used to getting from us that when we get a little tired and let someone down -- even if it's only in our own mind -- we get sucked down into the muck of the past. Until we gain our strength again -- we can wallow there for quite awhile.

Maybe that's why our mothers seem to be the ones that have caused the most damage to our "psycie" - because they were going thru exactly the same thing as we are now -- the cycle repeating itself thru generation and generation. Did you ever think about it that way? Maybe it wasnt YOU but HER that had the problem climbing out of the muck?

I chose to stop that cycle. My mother can live out the rest of her life a miserable old woman - just like her mother before her - it's HER CHOICE. But she is NOT going to drag me down with her.

I know I'm not perfect -- and every one of my scars I now carry proudly as life's battle wounds. I have told my child I'm sorry - from the bottom of my heart and soul - for the times I let him down. I have told my husband I'm sorry - and I won't be that woman again. I have told my God I'm sorry - and thanked him for loving me anyway.

And now I'm through saying I'm sorry !!! There is not one person - man or woman - that can't say I'm sorry to someone so why should I continue to beat myself up for something someone else did to me while simply being a lost soul too ?

I forgave them and I forgave myself and that's it. It's over now. Every morning I get up and say THANK YOU Lord for letting me wake up and I'll make the best of the day !!!

HUGS LADIES

I think part of any grieving process is to laundry list the "What ifs", the "might have beens" the "should haves"...but then we need to all move ahead, and to quote our fabulously eloquent lionspaaw...

"it's human nature to have a pity party now and then -- makes us stronger to pick ourselves up, shake it off and move on.

The secret is to know when to leave the party ! "

Leaving that pity party is exactly the point..
a point I want to remember for the rest of my life...Thanks Lionsspaaw..

LION'S BACK. I'm doing a major happy dance. I've missed you! Gosh you're wise.

There has been a sparkly glow in my spirit for the past two days...I don't think it's coincidence that it coincides with Lionspaaw's presence here...

I too like your line "the secret is knowing when to leave the [pity] party". I need quick quips to throw at myself, and this is a good one to remember for those times when I'm mucking around in those tired old regrets.

"Time to leave the party" is a healthier line than the one I've been using far too often lately: "Time for chocolate". Although I can see myself combining the two, you know, using chocolate to bribe myself out of the mud puddles?

geeee you ladies sure know how to make a girl feel good

I dont know how "wise" I am Dotsie -- I'm just tired of hurting and missing the beauty in life because of it.

It's so much more fun to ENJOY life - don't you think