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#15486 - 12/27/05 01:42 AM Unfinished mothering
Di Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/05
Posts: 2798
Loc: NM, transplant from NJ
OMG!!! I just got off the phone w/an old friend from way back.....about 35 years.Although we have been communicating for the past 3 or 4 years or so. She and I both do/could not have children and she is a widow of 2 years now.

She HIT me with: "Di you had unfinished mothering. Your Mom died at an unnatural point in life, but you were not finished needing her/being mothered. Hence, your 'neediness' happens". (DH has said how needy I am lately)

This friend also said that we continue to look for it but cannot find it in others. No way can that ever happen. So, I asked her how to remedy that. She says the best to do is accept it for what it is and move one.

Now gals........I'm 48 years old and I've just learned this about my life. I love 2000 miles from "home".......all my family is back there and I am here with a DH who only knows me 10 years. I cannot expect him to "fix" me since: 1. He did not know my past as I lived it and 2. He's not my mother

The analogy she gave was likened to a puppy who is removed from the mother immediately. It's so unnatural that the puppy will not be "ok".

This friend also mentioned that I reflect TOO much about my past. That I hold onto stuff when I should be getting on. Granted my past was so wonderful but I do think/reflect on it a lot.

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#15487 - 12/27/05 04:54 AM Re: Unfinished mothering
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Di, heavy topic. My mother was there but not on an emotional level. I'm not sure how I would have turned out if she has passed at an early age.

But, I think your friend is full of wisdom. It will create a neediness in us that no other person can fulfill.

I had to realize that what I wished for would never be and just get on with life without it. I've found other outlets to fill that spot.

[ December 26, 2005, 08:55 PM: Message edited by: Dianne ]

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#15488 - 12/27/05 06:13 AM Re: Unfinished mothering
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Di, it's so complex, trying to figure out that aching hole that gnaws from so deep inside. I've had it for as long as I can remember, and it has made me so needy in the past that one therapist felt it necessary to teach me how to "budget my hunger" so that no one person would ever bear the brunt of it. It was a valuable lesson, except that it never did help me to figure out how to fill that hole. I think now after all I've tried to do to assuage the hunger, that it's a hole that should have been filled by a mother's love; I always hope and pray that someday I'll cross that elusive faith threshold where God's love will be enough.

I agree with Dianne, though, that at some point it becomes essential to recognize that gnawing hunger as my reality and learn to live (and love) around it, not letting it control my life and behaviours. It's kind of painful at times, trying to find other outlets to fill that spot without coming across as hungry and needy. God is a huge part of that search, hubby does what he can and my Boomer sisters, friends and family make it possible to live beyond that nagging sense of incompleteness.

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#15489 - 12/27/05 07:04 PM Re: Unfinished mothering
Di Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/05
Posts: 2798
Loc: NM, transplant from NJ
Gosh, Eagle,

Since I've been so new here, I had no idea we "sort of" have this in common. I'm so sorry. [Frown]

After talking to DH about this, he says I've "worn him out" and that I'm a "bottomless pitt of need". I really "thought" he was the nurturing kind when I first met him. BUT, the bad part is that we only had three dates and married.....10 years ago. Talk about false information........on both mine and his part!

So, now I have to dig myself out of the pitt. Not sure how, but I guess I have to! No meds for me, so I'll do my very best to get VERY involved in my soaping business, develop more passions and stay busy I suppose.

I think, for me, that I have way too much time to think. I think about the past WAY too much, I know,but what else is there to think on? I LOVED the past!

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#15490 - 12/28/05 08:57 AM Re: Unfinished mothering
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Di
What was so wonderful about your past that you cannot leave it? Surely it has been reconstructed in your mind because nothing is perfect except God.

You can't live in memories. To do so is to abandon the present and forsake the future. Bad memories should be left behind to die of starvation and good ones should be nurtured to become a strong foundation for the present. But living only happens in the here and now.

Even the most compassionate person cannot allow themselves to be swallowed up by the needs of another. Your husband may have simply given too much of himself. He must be terribly lonely. He is living in the present alone while you are living in the past.

Maybe you can look into the needs of your relationship and let that become your passion?

smile

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#15491 - 12/27/05 09:17 PM Re: Unfinished mothering
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
smile, perfect! My thoughts exactly. I was thinking the very same thing. Di, why not make the relationship with your spouse and your business your passion. Thinking about the past too much usually means you don't have enough going on now to fill your mind's activity. Does that make sense?

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#15492 - 12/27/05 09:50 PM Re: Unfinished mothering
Di Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/05
Posts: 2798
Loc: NM, transplant from NJ
yes, perfect sense. and you all are right. my dh needs the "me" who I am now since he really does not know the old me and where I came from.

I'm working on that starting now.

Ya'll are better than any counselor!!

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#15493 - 12/27/05 11:19 PM Re: Unfinished mothering
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
"why not make the relationship with your spouse...your passion".

Smile, Dotsie, and Di, I needed to hear all of that too. My hubby is in the same state of depletion..."worn out" by my insatiable hunger (and searching) for whatever it is that will finally fill that emptiness. In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure we'll survive intact. I think the only way is for me to admit that my emptiness may never be filled to my satisfaction and to stop trying to fill myself and start trying to fill "us", our couple-ship and marriage. It's a different focus, which requires a different attitude and set of behaviours/responses. I'm struggling against old habits, but determined to put as much effort into repairing us as I've done trying to fill my own cup all these years.

Di, you're not alone. I'm so there.

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#15494 - 12/27/05 11:33 PM Re: Unfinished mothering
NHJackie Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/05
Posts: 868
Loc: Merrimack, NH
Di,

It's sounds like you have an excellent grasp on the things you want to improve in your life and are heading in the direction of doing just that. I went through a time a few years ago of learning to let go of things from my past that were getting in the way of my being the best person I could be now. It's a long, hard journy, but one you can and will accomplish once you set your mind to it and seek out the means to accomplish it.

I don't quite understand your "no meds for me" statement, though. I never thought I would need medication for depression, but I do. And understand and accepting that has been a big help to me. There's no shame in taking antidepressents. I wouldn't stop taking my blood pressure meds, either.

I know there a lot of people that may not agree with me, but I need to do what's best for myself.

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#15495 - 12/28/05 02:49 AM Re: Unfinished mothering
Di Offline
Member

Registered: 11/15/05
Posts: 2798
Loc: NM, transplant from NJ
Eagle,

Not sure your childlessness is part of your "hunger", but for me it is. I realized long ago that we are ONLY prepared and raised, as little girls, to be mothers. I cannot recall a time in freshman health class that the teacher said, "now girls, a few of you may not become mommys and you also have to be prepared for that as well". No mention of infertility was ever discussed. All I heard was, "Di,you'll make such a great mother". NOT!

We were raised on "first comes love,then comes marriage, then the baby carriage". For me, I've have to continue life as it always was and will be. Most women in the world got a 'break' by having to raise/train/discipline children. Receive unconditional love and affection. I have to continue to fill my life with SOMETHING constantly. It gets old.

Now, during these years where I would have been a grandparent, once again, I have to find something else to do. I'm tired. I went to college for two years (assoc. degree) only because a figured I'd be a mother and the college would not be needed.

It's all I ever wanted............... [Frown] [Frown]

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