Hi Everyone,

I do wish I'd known about his resource area a year ago.

But maybe and perhaps my experience can be helpful to someone else, even after the fact.

You see, my Dad passed away last week after a year of rapid spiral with dementia. The good news is he was not in pain, enjoyed his days, and was in a lovely Board and Care home, more than my sisters and I could ever have hoped for.

This was almost a year to the date after my mother died. They had been married 63 years, and were hardwired to eachtother deeply - which is why the last year was especially difficult for Dad!

At any rate, I would have loved to have others to compare notes with as we were wading through all the turmoil decisions, living arrangements...it literally takes a village to figure it all out!

Here for others!

Warmly, and new here,
Lani

Oh, my gosh Lani...you and your family have had a heavy hearted year. I'm so sorry to hear of your loss...Your experiences and knoweldge is welcomed and encouraged...you'll find the dearest, warmest hearts here with lots of caring and love to share...I'm so glad you're here with us. Sometimes it gets quiet on the weekends, but hang in there...before you know it there will be lots of responses.
Again, sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear you've carried so many burdens in such a short time. I'm sending angel hugs your way.

Thanks Dee - if I can be of support and assistance to others, I would be honored!

Lani

Lani, I'm sorry to hear of your loss and how rough it's been. But you're here now. Circles have different arcs.

Meredith love your quote; "circles have different arcs."

Losing both parents within a year? You must feel lost yourself. But if your parents were so close, then maybe it's a blessing that they are 'together' again. You probably get to hear that often, Lani.

How kind of you to offer support to others, after what you have been through.

Thanks my friends.

Edelweiss, absolutely - my Dad was not happy this last year without my Mom. After 63 years, you are just hardwired, you know?

As it was, about a week before Dad died, I was able to spend about 4 full days at his bedside, chatting (he mumbled), reading to him, rubbing his feet and shoulders, holding his had, feeding him - he was in no pain, just sort of fading - and asking about Mom every now and then!

This experience was so sweet - being with him and caring for him those days - and I wouldn't trade them for anything. It has brought me a great deal of peace about his passing, and yes, I am glad for him not to have to be around without Mom anymore.

Warmly,
Lani

Lani,
My father and stepdad are both gone but I still have my mom who is a heaslty, happy 88. She lives alone, drives all over, and is a bundle of energy. She just retired at age 87 and is mad now because she misses her work. Says shes bored.
I'm sure there will be many women who need to learn from the experiences you've had with your parents deaths.

Like Dee says, the weekends are quiet usually except for a few of us die hard posters...The keepers of the moat!

Welcome, Lani...
I, too, and sorry you had to suffer such losses in such a short time. It's tough enough when time gives us a break.
Can you explain what a "Board and Care home" is and how it fits into the list of out of home care facilities? I've not hear the term before. My family and I are dealing with the last years of our parents' lives, one is at home and the other in a facility (not of my liking). It's hard to watch them age.

Gims,

Certainly! A Board and Care is a small place. For example, my Dad was in a lovely residential home with sometimes only one, but it grew to a total of 4-5, residents. This was perfect for my Dad because even though he has always been a social guy, he needed lots of assist with adjusting and as he settled in, new residents were added.

I will look up the website for the place my Dad was, it seems to be down right now - and will post later.

Anyway, it was like being in a family. The smallness of it gave Dad incredibly personal care. The caregivers and the owner were more than we could have even hoped for. Every time we "dropped in" everything was clean, cared for, people being tended to. They prepped food from the kitchen right there, because it WAS a family-like home.

I am happy to tell you more as you like - believe me, I wish we had had more resources when we were going through our search, it can all be so mystifying!

You could ask the local Eldercare resource for a list of Board and Care places and take it from there?

Where are your parents located?

Lani

Lani, Board and Care is a new term. Very interesting. Sounds lovely.

I can't wuite imagine the year you went through. Do you have family and close friends in town for support?

Here's the link to Moraga Retreat Board and Care:

http://www.moragaretreat.com/

It was affordable, and much of it was even covered with Dad's longterm care insurance.

Actually Dotsie (by the way, my Mom's name was Dorothy and Dad called her Dottie, so I think of her whenever see your name!) I have 2 sisters, one in Seattle and the other in Connecticut, and I'm in CA about 3 hours from where Dad was living, so I saw him the most but we all have shared every bit of caring for him in all the ways necessary this past year.

Lani

I'm just so glad to hear he enjoyed his years.
I feel that way about my Dad, too.
It's good to have. (that feeling)

Nice to meet you, Lani.

Lani, so sorry about your dad. Glad you were able to be with him.

Those places...sounds a lot like the places we have in Hawaii. Hawaii has many residential care homes where 2 to 5 elder residents are allowed, just depending on the needs of the individuals. It is a nice income for the operators and almost like being in your own home.

Interesting, we hav very few of them here. I'm thinking this is something boomers are going to be interested in doing.

My mom and my brother recently moved into small apartments for elderly seniors only. The rent is set as to your income. Mom pays a little over $200.00 and brother pays $120.00 monthly. The places are roomy, windows, and clean and well lighted and they have numerous outings and get togethers with the other residents. The apartments are air coinditioned, there are laundry faculities in each building and the grounds are park like, with trees, a lake and fishing ponds... They are both happier living alone (finally.) And yet are only a building apart. Thats the way to go when old, especially if alone.

Yeah, they play bunco, canista, all sort of cards games. They have a Red Hat Society group. There is a bus to take them shopping to the stores, or to the movies and then it picks them up again. It cost $2.00 a month to ride the bus as often as you like. They just had a bake sale, and are working on a craft show/sale next. Mom says theres never a dull moment. Its mostly women alone and my brother is in hog heaven because he is one of only four men there and he says the women are always coming by or making him baked goods and food. I think he thinks he died and went to heaven. He says he has become Giggelo Vince...

that's great chatty. It does sound abit strange that your mom and brother are in the same facility. How old is your mom?

Lani
how generous and heartwarming thatyou share the infomation about care facilities.
Hardwired...what an enderaaing term for long loved partners.
The hours you spent the day prior to your dad's passing will let you have solace,
I too cared for my Grandfather whilst he was a resident in a nice care facility.Between us (the staff) made him happy and despite his reluctance to be in a residential situation.
My friend helped..she brought him here early each Thursday..he had a home day where he was the centre of attention.Then Friday I took his shopping in.Weekends he joined us where we went.
I firmly believe he deserved all the input and although sad he no longer had his home his wife and neighbours things worked out.
I could do no other than be his rock.
He left a gap no other will fill.
Mountain ash