Years ago I lost my 4 y.o. nephew to a very rare form of leukemia. There was a book I found that helped me survive the agonizing crushing weight of my grief. I send a copy to friends who are going through a loss, and I thought someone on this board might like to read it.

It's called "How to go on living when someone you love dies."
I'm sure amazon.com has it.

Here are some of the profound things I learned from this book:

(1) Grief and losses are *cumulative* -- meaning everytime you grieve, you are grieving for ALL of your losses. That's why it gets harder as you age.

(2) A loss is a loss is a loss. Marriages, pets, jobs, mother, daughter, etc. There is no such thing as "it doesn't count" in grieving, and it's not a competition. I think this is especially helpful when someone loses a pet. Our society has a very "it's just a pet -- get over it" attitude, which is not cool.

(3) While a terminal illness can be devastating, it allows loved ones to begin the grieving process early. Sudden loss is far more difficult to recover from.

I hope this book helps someone get through the process of grieving. As my friend Jen says: "There's nothing for the grieving but to grieve." (And she's a doctor!)

Warmly,
Sally

Sally,
What a great post and timely too as one of our own has lost her grandmother this past weekend. Thank you for taking the time to post this. Also, another boomer here has a new post about some film she inherited that might have some significant historical value. She did ask for help in restoring them, or finding a way to do so, and so you might also be able to help her. Just a thought.

JJ

Sally J.

Thank you for posting the name of this book. Sounds like one I need to find and buy 6 copies of. When my sweetheart Gary died suddenly, it didn't feel like I could survive - I almost didn't. And at the time I knew I was experiencing all my other losses too, although nobody I knew acknowledged that kind of thing except my dear Aunt Lottie who lived to be 97. When I asked her how she managed all her losses, how she got by, she said, "Mostly I'm okay, but sometimes they gang up on me."

I remember what one of my psych professors said in college. He said that there were studies done on people who had experienced great loss, like holocast survivors and those who had experienced myriad losses over time. Those studying the issue said that they went in with the premise that those people were better able to cope with loss than the rest of us. What they found was when new loss came along, the opposite was true. Each loss hit them hard - it all was cumulative, like you said, Sally.

But I do know one thing...one thing I've learned. I will survive. And I will become stronger, because I've decided this will be so. And so it is.

I've been amazed at my aunt who lost her husband and son in the same week. When I asked her how she held up she said, "Well, what can I do? I can't change what happens so I just take it one day at a time." I doubt that I could ever be that strong but then, the Bible says that God won't give us more than we can handle.

You could handle it, Dianne. You would find the alternative unacceptable - so you'd get by like your aunt did. You'd have her example to guide you, draw strength from. That's what the older ones can show us - how to make it through. And as we learn from their example, the younger ones learn from us. Each one teach one.

The cumulative effect of grief made so much sense to me when I read it. I was in my early 20s at the time and hadn't yet attended more than a few funerals -- but it just....made sense, ya know?

Another thing the author acknowledges is how much easier it is to be around other mourners during the most intense time of shock and grief. I was very reluctant to return home after my newphew died. All of us were insane with grief and I just couldn't bear to make small talk with any "normal" people.

My warmes wishes to all of you, whether your grief has subsided to an ache or you still need to curl up in the fetal position. Stay strong. Be good to yourselves.

Warmly,
Sally

P.S. The book is called "How to Go on Living when Someone You Love Dies" and it's by Therese A. Rando. It was a sanity saver for me.

Sally, thanks for thinking of us. I'll have to check it out.

As far as getting through the grief and weeks following the death of a loved one:

Looking back on Mom's death I realize I didn't get through it alone. I believe it is through the loving kindness of family and friends, and God's grace that makes us go from one day to the next after losing a loved one.

I'll mention another book that my sisters, brother and I read while Mom was dying, The Final Gift. It's perfect for those caring for loved ones who are dying. Of course another on else Tuesday with Morrie. I believe we are wise to read these books before we are faced with the death of a loved one. One must not be in the midst of death and dying to read these books. Then when we are hit with the prospect of the death of a loved one, we are better prepared.

It also helps to read the verses in the Bible about the promise of eternal life.

The Final Gift is a very powerful book, and I agree with Dotsie that it's well worth a read.

It's amazing to me how hard our American culture tries to pretend that death is not a part of life. Like it's somehow *un*natural. Now doesn't that seem crazy when you really think about it?

I think we lost something important as a culture when we moved death almost exclusively to a hospital setting rather than at home.

(Not that I have anything against hospitals, believe me!)

I agree with Sally. Death is as much a part of our lives as living. I don't write much about Daddy's death, because losing him is still so painful for me, but I will offer this. During the final weeks, my sister (four) and I, along with Mother, and a few close friends, never left his side. He was in a coma-like state, but from time to time, would look or glaze at one of us, almost like saying, "I'm listening girls, keep going." We talked him thru to heaven. I will always believe this.

We discussed our childhood days, who got the most spankings (yes, it was moi), and who was the best child, how Daddy would dress up as Santa, how Mother would ground us and only let us work jigsaw puzzles, the pets we had, the boyfriends and how scared they were of Daddy... and on and on and on... we did this up until the minute he died. And then we played, "What a wonderful world" by Louie Armstrong so he could leave this world with a song in his heart. The death was as beautiful as we could make it. I have no regrets and wouldn't trade these memories for all of the gold in the world.

JJ

JJ,

That is a heartbreakingly beautiful story. Your Daddy was a lucky man -- rich with the kind of wealth that really matters.