for you, searcher.....

In loving memory of John and Melissa...
In honor of mothers everywhere...

A Mother's Heart
JoAnne Rademacher

I was at the funeral of my son's fifteen-year-old friend. The mourners all sat in a state of stunned disbelief, for his death was sudden and shocking. As the service ended, my son and his classmates filed out of their pews and formed an honor guard in the center aisle for the casket, clergy and family to pass through. I was sitting directly across the aisle from my son, and as I watched him step into the aisle, I felt a rending in my heart and a sob caught in my throat. For that fraction of a second time stood still, and I imagined the casket held one of my own. As quickly as it had vanished reality was restored, and with it a sense of relief and a prayer of thanks for my good fortune. My son stood tall and healthy before me.

At the same time, though, my heart was torn. Another mother's heart was breaking, and I felt somehow that the tear in my own, rent in that moment of surreal grief, remained, an almost tangible reminder of an imagined loss.
In the months that followed that wound in my heart did not go away. I still felt that I knew, at least to a minute degree, what devastation had been left in the heart of a friend.

I tried to reason it away. After all, I did not lose my child. How could this feel so real to me? The words "a mother's heart...a mother's heart" passed through my mind repeatedly. It was as if there was a message in those words-something I was supposed to understand, but couldn't. I only knew that another mother's heart and my own were inexplicably connected. The why and how of it escaped me still.

Now, years after that small breach was left on my "mother's heart," I know all too well the total devastation which was only hinted at as I stood at that funeral of a young friend. Because less than a year later my daughter died in a car accident.

One of the first people I saw at the hospital that night was our young friend's mother. As we stood in each other's arms, I finally knew the full reality of a truly broken heart. And as time passes ever so slowly, those same words "a mother's heart...a mother's heart" still echo through my consciousness.

A mother's heart: so fragile yet so strong. The loss of my child has wounded me so deeply I hesitate to give words to the pain. At the worst of times it is as though the splintered pieces of my shattered heart are millions of tiny shrapnel, bursting outward, shredding my body and soul. At the best of times there is a dull, constant ache reminding me of what I have lost.

Amazing to me, though, is the strength I have found in my heart. I am still here. I can give comfort in spite of my pain. I can love, laugh, and enjoy simple pleasures. There must be a portion of my heart where the splinters are being held together by the Lord Himself, for there is no other power which could protect even a tiny scrap of my brokenness.

Now I know the message of those words and why they continue to come back to me. I am reminded that it is a joy and a privilege to have been gifted with my precious children for whatever time I am blessed with their presence, however short it may be.

A mother's heart...designed by God to withstand the ravages of humanity and blessed with His love in the joy of bearing His children. Even as I taste the bitter salt of my tears, I offer praise and thanksgiving for this, my "mother's heart," for the joy in it is mine forever. The grief and pain of today will be forgotten when on that day of God's choosing, I join the daughter I share with Him in the embrace of my Savior's loving arms.

Speaking of the salt of your tears,

I read this thru' the salt of mine. Flipper, you cannot know how much our lives have just intertwined.

I have had a treasured friend for 28 years. She and I met when both of our children were but 4. Hers with a rare disease involving blood vessels much too small. Mine with a brain tumor on the pituitary. Both Catastophic illnesses. We loved our beautiful babies, nurtured them through the most horrendous times, all the while remaining friends , trying to support each other, arranging times to share between our children and ourselves - through divorce, men-friends, child -rearing, births, her brother 's suicide, my parent's death - well---28 years of life. And in February of this year (the 12th to be exact) Johnny died. I thought I was going fall completely apart at this news. My own two children watched me crumble as they had never seen me. They were shocked and frightened that I would "lose it" to such a degree. My son Sam was 24, and my Nichole 32. Both were at home. Nichole because of her illness, and Sam, because of her illness. Sammy never felt he could leave us alone with such a great burden for us to bear alone ( I say burden because it was - the illness was a burden to Nichole, to me , and to Sam. But it was the illness, not Nichole. And Sam and I both knew this - sorry to say, I don't know if Nichole thoroughly understood this). I grieved horribly for "little John" (as he was named after Big John, his father) . He fought so long and hard for his life - he was expected to live no longer than 9 years. But this also was a tribute to my friend Bonnie, who took such excellent care of her boy that he lived to age 31. I was in such remorse, I cried daily, hourly, we spoke on the phone almost all the day. I sadly could not afford to go to her side and also could not leave my Nichole. So we went through Johnny's death by phone. Bonnie took me to his bedside while he lay dying by phone. She took me into the garage to smoke, freezing, and oblivious to it, needing that cigarette to calm her nerves. WE paced the floors, by pho;ne. And at last, he died, and I heard by phone. Then we went to the funeral - by phone. And after, and after, and after.

On April 14th, at 1:30 in the morning, I heard a cry from Nichole - (a seizure cry, which was normal for her) and lay to listen if it was going to be severe. It was not. It stopped immediately. But then I heard nothing else. No rustling of covers, no nothing. So I went to investigate and found her blue. I gave her cpr, to no avail. Paramedics came and eventually got a heartbeat, but she had been without oxygen for so long that her brain was gone. A week later, we let her go. 26 hours of agonal breaths, Nichole's body succumbed to death.

This seemed so cruel, and so coincidental, that Bonnie and I could not process this...We both were staggering . Trying to make sense of such craziness, but Sam said, "Well, this was preordained marriage in Heaven!" So. Ok. We bought that. Sounded good to us. Better than anything we had thought up.

And today, we are still processing this. Our first birthdays without our children, our first holidays.....our empty nests (Sam went to live with a girlfriend, partly out of need, since I now live 30 miles outside of the city and he works in the city)and your words ring true. They were such gifts. And I have posted this before, but out of Nichole's mouth, " I am a gift to this family, whether anyone knows it or not!" (Her fiesty self, but speaking of extended family, not Sam and me). Of course Nichole and I were of the same cloth - I have said that we fought daily and loved daily - and this was true. We enjoyed our fights - we would talk loudly and punctuate our beliefs adamantly believing we each were "right' - but later, it was always loving arms, apologies and I'm sorries. And back to reading in bed - where I would fall asleep and Nichole would gently say, "MOM, you're sleeping on me, could you just move a little?" So I would.

A mother's heart. How true. And how I thank you, Flipper.

Flipper and Searcher...I can't think of anything to say to either of you that would suffice...just know that I am truly sorry for your losses.
From another mother's heart to yours. Peace.

Flipper and Searcher: Thanks for sharing your stories.

Thou words are not adequate to express our condolences for your losses, I've always said: "Only a mother understands a mother's heart". And it proves true in your stories.

I thank God for the privilege of motherhood and for giving me as a mom the strength I need daily.

May God continue to bless and strengthen each mother, because truly, a mother's heart endures what no other heart endures.

searcher, we have a lot to talk about!!! i have to go run some errands right now but will be back later. know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today.

bluebird and songbird, thank you for your kindness. a mother's heart is a real piece of work, right?!

You betcha...made exclusively by the heart of God...

Think about how much WE love our children...

then think about how much GOD loves us. It is overwhelming to comprehend the breadth and deapth, and width of God's love.

That's what I think about whenever I feel like I'm having too much anxiety or fear about one of my kids. They belong to Him.

Western, Songbird, Danita,

Thanks so much.

Flipper and Searcher,

You both expressed yourselves so well. Maybe you could write a book together about the loss a mother goes through. Maybe it could be titled, A Mother's Heart. Maybe God led you to the place in this way, so the two of you can help others find a way to make it through this intolerable pain.

Blessing and love embrace you.
Vi

[ November 09, 2005, 02:41 AM: Message edited by: Vi ]

Hi Vi:
Yours is a great idea . When you trust the Lord nothing happens by coincidence. A book written by mothers for mothers would be a great tool, a heavenly gift for other mothers dealing with loss.

I do pray Flipper and Searcher realize the potential and the tremendous opportunity to bless others with such a work.

Songbird and Vi

I honestly don't think I've ever been so flattered in my life. Thank you and Thank you.

I have always wanted to tell Nichole's story, and now the journey we take through her death. Lately, I have been realizing that some distance is needed, or some perspective. But maylbe now is the time to begin.

I do believe that we meet people through Guidance, that circumstances are there so that we may take advantage of them if we choose. And I believe we all have some opportunity to learn lessons, and to use those lesson not only for ourselves, but to offer a hand to others. This may be the ticket......I will consider this carefully and wait to see what Flipper is thinking..

Wow ..thanx again.

Searcher.

Gotta go get on that darn freeway now! Bye

Searcher and flipper...I love both of you so much for sharing so openly. You are beautiful women who are gifted at expressing yourselves through writing. I am so sorry for your losses. My mind can't wrap around the thought of losing a child, and yet you've both done so and ARE carrying on! What an inspiration.

Vi, what an awesome idea. Searcher and flipper, what do you think about it?

Flipper and Searcher,

I, too, wanted to thank you for the beautiful way you have shared your losses with us.

Although I have never experienced the death of my child, some very close friends lost their beautiful 17 year old daughter in a car accident last year. My son, who used to baby sit for her and was like a member of the family, still can't get his mind around her being gone. He was with the family the night before the accident.

This couple are the most incerdibly giving people I've ever known. The mother stood up at the funeral and implored everyone to stop trying to place blame on the driver, who fell asleep at the wheel. You could feel the healing as she spoke. I just can't imagine myself ever having the strength to do that.

The caring and generosity of these wonderful people still resonates in this small community and beyond. Because they donated their daughters organs, several people are now alive who might not have been. They quietly donated the money to pay for the senior semi-formal at the end of the year, so that all of Laura's friends would be able to go. Somewhere in Ethiopia, a playground has been built and dedicated in her honor. I could go on, but I'm getting teary eyed already.

Like you, they have been an inspiration to me. I feel blessed to call them my friends.

FlipperJo and Searcher,
Reading about each of your losses has left me devastated and shaken. I can't even begin to imagine the depth of your grief much less the amazing amount of strength you both seem to have to go on and continue to live life for yourselves as well as your remaining families.. I am humbled by each of your stories and promise to keep you each in my prayers..what amazing women you are..God Bless each of you.

Searcher, when I decided to write a book about the horrific tragedy in my life, the way I began was to jot down notes about events that had happened. I wasn't ready to give these events the flesh of words, but I wanted to make sure I remembered the progression of significant events as well as the events. So I wrote down one sentence about something, a sentence about something else and so on. It worked. When I was ready to start writing I went to this list.

Just a thought.

Vi

Searcher and Flipper, what beautiful words you have chosen to tell of your losses. The beauty in those words come only from a heart that loves deeply. The telling is a tribute to those you love.

If a book comes from your meeting here, may it be as beautiful as your spirit.
smile

[ November 09, 2005, 10:20 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

You know, women,

I really DO think this site was given in response to my unanwered questions. This once again and even YET again is causing me to believe in the spiritual guidance of those Elsewhere. I have surely never thought of MY words being beautiful. I was struck by the literary deftness of Flipperjo, and of course the content was certainly not lost - the foreshadowing of her own child's death (which I , by the way, also had in the most odd ways, even aside from my friend Bonnie's son)and did not dream that I could be even considered in her league - even now I am astonished that you all can speak of our words in the same sentence.

Can I have been missing something?

But truthfully, any book is a major event - self written or with a joint effort - as I know many of you know. But If ANY book is born here, at least from my personal perspecive, it will be from the encouragement of the likes of you. So it would be ALL of our book - each one given credit where credit is due......

Vi, I have been writing down thoughts of mine, over the years, in crazy places, like envelopes - sometimes in a journal, sometimes on paper bags. I have them stuffed EVERYWHERE ! I think all along I have been thinking that this was a story to be told. Not just about Nichole, Sam and me, but about the many who suffer from "low- incidence" health issues. Money for reasearch is not allocated to these who have fewer participants. But in many of these diseases, the result is so catastophic over such a long period of time, that the result is devasating to so many. And costs many dollars as another result. I would love to do a study of the comparison of dollars spent on these individuals in comparison to dollars spent on "high profile" illnesses. I guess my point is that if we don't spend money on research on low-incidence disease, it costs more in the long run. Well, just another of the things that run thru' my mind. Which never stops. Oh, that's not true - I do stop thinking and enjoy stuff - my mountains, my water, my trees, Andrea Bocelli (). (for those of you who don't know Italian, pop/opera singer - pretty cute)

I have often thought, Vi, that to start, I should do just as you have said. But even with that, I'm faltering as to the beginning. Well, certainly I can begin at the beginning, but this is such LOOOOOOONG and involved story. There is crisis at every turn. Daily for more than 20 some years. Maybe my problem is what to leave out.....In fact, that is most certainly my problem. ( and the obvious fact that I am long-winded)Need to shorten stuff up.

So I will.

Search

Smile,

I loved YOUR words.

THANK YOU to all of you, first for caring and conveying your understanding spirits for the losses searcher and i have experienced. second, for your encouragement in the writing dept.

Thank you, searcher, for writing so elequently about Nichole and your family, and that of your friend Bonnie. I cannot imagine how you made it through so many years on your own with all of it on your lone shoulders. You and Bonnie are so blessed to have each other. None of my family or close friends have lost a child (nor would i want them to!) so the longer the time without Missi, the more detatched I feel from them. They can't possibly know how much my loss has changed me or how my grief never goes away.

you learn to make it a part of your life and yes, life goes on bringing new joys and challenges. it just will never ever be the same and that is what others lose sight of or don't understand.

searcher, our writing is very much in the same league because it comes straight from the heart. i am part of a group of bereaved parents called 'the compassionate friends.' we meet once a month and just talk. there are so many aspects of losing a child that you just can't talk about with those who have not experienced the loss. we help and support each other. you and your friend Bonnie might find a room full of kindred spirits if you choose to go to a meeting. there are chapters all over the world so if you want to try going, i could help you find a chapter near you.

aside from going to meetings and helping out where i can, i compile and edit a newsletter for our local chapter which is where my writing usually lands first. i would love to use something from you if you will write from your experience and email it to me at jkrtcf@srt.com. I can also use a picture of your Nichole if you send one.

i have found writing to be a great way to sort through my feelings. i love to write and don't do as much as i would like to because of other things in our lives that have to take priority. someday, i hope to devote a lot more time to it.

my family has been telling me for years to write a book but so far i just haven't taken the time to do the work required. one thing i do want to do is write a book about Missi's life and death that i can give to my granddaughter so she will know who her auntie Missi was and have a fuller understanding of who we all are.

if you have time, searcher, start gathering all those scraps of paper you've written on! i haven't done a lot of journaling but probably should have. i usually write essay style about specific issues and how i relate them to my grief. as for collaboration, i just never say never!

now this is turning into the book i haven't written so will sign off. by the way, i LOVE Andrea, too!

jo

Searcher and Flipperjo,

Andrea is wonderful. He's an inspiration. He's definitely as good as Pavarotti (Sp?)

The two of you have the gift of soul. You have loving hearts. You express yourselves in ways that reach others. Your words, your pain, your hearts can help others heal.

We all are gifts to each other, if we allow ourselves to open to it. If you ask yourselves, what was I born to do - of all the things I am doing with my life, what can I let go of to make room for what is really important? The time to write the book shows up, if you "make" the time. I had to make the time to write the book about my brother's tragedy. After I started writing the book, I wrote to bestselling inspirational writer, Og Mandino, about the way his book, The Choice, had inspired me. It's excellent. I also mentioned briefly that I had made a decision to write a book and was writing it. He wrote back a handwritten message. This is what he said, "Now that you have made your decision, don't let anyone or anything keep you from doing it."

I kept writing. It took me from 1981 to 1993 to get it into print. It was worth it.

I encourage both of you to search your hearts. Deep inside you know your paths.

Peace and Light to you,
Vi

vi,

And he's kinda hunky, huh?
when I first heard him sing, son Sam was in the kitchen, also listening, so I yelled to him from the living room "Sam, we are hearing the FOURTH tenor!!@##!!! I was SO excited..and sure enough, in a couple of months, people were calling him just that. And he studied under Pavarotti, so - yeah, I think he's every bit as good and can do pop besides. The thing I like about him also, tho' is that he is somewhat of an adventurest even with his blindess. He jumps out of airplanes, and skis with Alberto Tombe, besides raising and riding horses. Must be where he gets his "soul".... Well, enuf 'bout Bocelli..

I want to get your book and the one by the other guy, Og Mandino? Never heard of him, but sounds like OUR kind of people...YOU are making me want to get started - think I'll do as Flipper says and go hunt up my scraps. Coulld take me a month to find them all...There is something in my self that is telling me to do this.Besides you and encouragement from the other Boomers. So I will. Better not rebuff our own spirits, they have power.....(a little LOL). So stay buy us, Vi, I'll be needing you.......

Flipperjo,

I wish I could put my arms around you. And we could sob together until we had enough for one day. You are still needing the knowing love of another sister . I wish your family just intuitively would know what you need. But we must find family wherever we can. Sounds like you have found some release in your bereavement group - I think I found them on the net once..I never joined because I , too, have a special deal going on because of Nichole's illness. There are differences. Mother's and children have each a special relationship with our children, and another addition when that child is ill. So Bonnie and I can discuss this side of our lives, but I am surely glad to have you too. And then esp. as a fellow N.Dakotan!!!Now there's a discussion in the making.....

I will surely send you pictures - I'll need to inform my computer just how she should do this- and also send you some essays or written experiences from our lives, no shortage there....I was thinking - maybe we could do a compilation of short essays and then write an epilogue, or a prologue? Just a thought....

So speak to me woman, I am listening!!

Oh, and you Italian ladies out there---some of us covet your men!! (Italian ones I'm saying - something about those dark eyes, that dark hair- that very VIRILE look -- smo-o-o-o-o-key). (MOI? thinking about men? must be that Bocelli character or maybe, I'm beginning to feel better..hmmmmmm).

Search (maybe you should call me "sparky" after today)LOL

Searcher,

What I find appealing first about a guy is his eyes. Even with Andrea Bocelli - though his are closed. There's a softness of expression there that is so nice. The first singer I thought that about was Ricky Nelson. I was eight and so in love with the softness of his eyes. Showing my age, here. I'd never liked opera until I heard Pavarotti. Hearing his voice - hearing him sing Ava Maria - and I'm not Catholic....wow. I saw one of the shows on PBS where he introduced Bocelli. It was a thrill, for now there were two of them.

Glad you are going to hunt up your scraps. And if you need moral support anywhere along the way, feel free to send me a private message, and I will respond. I'd give you my email address right here, but then I'd start getting all kinds of spam. Those robot things have done me in before when I posted my email address in a thread.

As for my book - in case you haven't read a thread where I mentioned it before. It's called Hidden Victims: The Other Side of Murder and is available used on Amazon.com. It's out of print. My pen name is Violet M. Franck.

Og Mandino wrote a bunch of novels that are quite wonderful, especially if you want to feel special and/or inspired. The Choice is a ficitonal account of his real life decision to give up a lucrative career and write books. It is currently available in paperback on Amazon.com. I really suggest reading this book if you want motivation/inspiration to write.

What I believe in most is the beauty and gifts within each person. It is always my hope to encourage others to bring theirs to fruition.

Vi