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#147600 - 05/09/08 09:10 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: chatty lady]
Cubby Offline


Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
Dotsie,
Probably the shattered dream is what bothers me the most. And my home with its spaciousness and the property!

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#147601 - 05/09/08 11:59 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
HappyWednesday Offline


Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Hello Chubby!

Welcome!
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Business/Personal Coach- specializing in divorce and Cert. Laughter Leader

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#147602 - 05/10/08 10:14 AM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
Lola Offline
Member

Registered: 06/23/06
Posts: 3703
Loc: London UK
Quote:

Dotsie,
Probably the shattered dream is what bothers me the most. And my home with its spaciousness and the property!




I've come to this thread rather late and welcome you to BWS, Cubby.

On shattered dreams. Would you consider your marriage as to have irretrievably broken down, Cubby? From your previous posts, it seems to be that both of you have not commenced a formal and legal dissolution of your marriage despite the legal recourse which would allow it, whether the other spouse agrees to it or not. Moreover, you mentioned your husband's reluctance towards it and (you must correct me if I’m wrong), it seems to be that you still bear some affection for him. If the latter is true, could that be the reason why you could not move forward despite having moved out of the family home? And, if such is the case, could the present reality perhaps only mean that you are still emotionally married to your husband despite the physical state of your marriage?

Back on the topic of shattered dreams. It is very rare when any of us are satisfied with who we are, where we are in life, who we share it with, and etc. That dissatisfaction with a “dream” is magnified when taken in the context of family life. Especially so, when we think or feel that marriage has become a failure because it had reached the point when a spouse has become a disappointment with the match we’ve made and three becomes a crowd: our spouse, ourselves and our dream of the perfect partner and “happily ever afters”. IF you are still in love with your husband and he is with you, could you forgive him for not living up to the ideal? Your therapist is right to emphasise in focusing on the good. In doing so, it makes it easier to accept the real person whom you have married, imperfect as he may be. Sometimes, a re-making of our attitude than a re-making of our world makes a difference.

Strange. “A House is not a Home” by Burt Bacharach is what came to mind when you wrote about your house and your visit to what was once the family home. I must be such a sentimental fool.
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#147603 - 05/11/08 08:12 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Lola]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Wow, LOLA what an insiteful and beautiful post...The wisdom of your words is unbelievable, especially the part about 'threes a crowd' in a marriage. I loved both my husbands so much and yet neither was perfect, as I am not perfect... Food for thought...
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#147604 - 05/14/08 08:56 AM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: chatty lady]
Cubby Offline


Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
Hi Happy Wednesday! And I think Chubby is a better name for me than Cubby! LOL! Although I have to say since the nice weather has arrived in the Northeast, I have been attempting to walk outside more days than not.

Thank you for your insight Lola. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. You are right, I am still emotionally married to my husband despite our separateness. I feel I am in a state of limbo and am feeling more and more the need to move out of this state that I have held for a year and a half. I do feel affection for him but it is obviously not the kind of intimate love that one needs to maintain a marriage. One of our biggest ongoing conflicts was about sex, him wanting, me not. I know now through therapy that that was tied to me not feeling emotionally close to him because of many behaviors such as not talking to me for weeks when he was angry, having us sleep on a mattress on the floor for years because the bedrooms were not finished and he refusing to hire anyone but himself to complete the house, not wanting to go on vacations, events, etc. but rather finding enjoyment in his home projects. But of course there was the flip side of him that I loveed like his kindness to animals and extreme sensitivity at times. He is an artist at heart (and went to art school) and has a need for perfection in what he does. I always told him if he worked on our relationship like he worked on his projects, we would have a great marriage.
I just don't think I would be happy back in that place where it took all of my willpower to leave, if nothing much has changed a year and a half later.
It's just so hard to make the move and I guess give it all up once and for all, after all those years.

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#147605 - 05/16/08 08:32 AM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I understand the fear of giving up the dream. I know someone in a similar situation. As much as I want her to kick the old life to the curb, along with the dream of happyily ever after, I understand because she can't quite figure out her new life and how it's going to look.

I say, baby steps. Do one thing a day to move you in a direction of a glorious future. Write it down. Keep a list going of what you do each day to create your new life. I beleive in momentum. Once you are deliberately making changes, it may snowball. You have a great start. You're already out of the dream house. Keep up the goos work.
_________________________
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www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#147606 - 05/21/08 09:31 AM Re: You ladies are great!
Cubby Offline


Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
Hi all,
Again thank you for your comments. I love to hear all of them.
As I have written, I have been back and forth about moving ahead with my separate life but feeling ambivalence about it. My husband has not been willing to do anythng legal but seems not to be doing anything different to make things better either and it has been a year and a half of living apart. I find that the more contact I have with him and my other house (which he still lives in, unfinished) the worse it is for me - bad moods, unhappiness, etc. I have to trust my feelings and know they are there for a reason, mainly 30+ years of alot of ups and downs. When I am not in contact with him and am on my own, I seem to be happier. I read a quote recently that spoke to me. Can't remember it exactly but it was something like "Why not laugh now and forget rather than remember and feel sad" I think right now is all we have and there really is no room for regrets if we want to live our lives to the fullest.
So as you say Dotsie, baby steps. I am taking them every day, sometimes I teeter backwards, but keep trying to move forward. Thankyou!

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#147607 - 05/21/08 12:27 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: Cubby]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Not only write down your steps for the day, but at the end of the day, cross off the ones you accomplish. You have no idea how good that will make you feel about "things."

I wish you so much happiness, Cubby, no matter what action you take!

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#147608 - 05/23/08 12:13 PM Re: You ladies are great! [Re: jawjaw]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Cubby, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, www.nabbw.com is doing a teleseminar this week about how relationships can stifle us. Here's a link about it:

http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/display_news.php?nid=17
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#147609 - 06/01/08 12:24 PM Re: You ladies are great!
Cubby Offline


Registered: 05/03/08
Posts: 12
Hi Dotsie,
I went to the link but don't see it. Maybe I missed it? Can it be replayed? It sounds like something I need!
Thank-you.
Cubby

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