Support for the Survivor

What can you do? BE REAL

B Believe her and believe in her*

E Educate yourself; share your knowledge

R Reassure her that is was not her fault

E Empower with information and resources

A Ask what you can do and do your best

L Listen without judgment to what is said

*It is estimated that at least 1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men will be a victim of sexual violence in their lifetime. The female pronoun is used for both genders. Acronym created by LCT

Princess..I am lifting something you wrote from the thread on "boxes" and bringing it here. I don´t know how to work the quote thing on this forum, so I am quoting you from memory here,.."incest is never a random act like a car accident..it is a about control".

I was told that my incest experiences were due to the use of whiskey by the adult and the situation he was in at the time..but this wouldn´t wash for you, right? Can you explain what you meant by your quote above?

Humlan, liquor is never to blame. Drugs are not to blame.

People are to blame. Everything else is just an excuse.

Abuse is not an accident -- it's a conscious act. The abusers know they're hurting you, but don't care about anything except themself.

Yes, I can explain more. I appreciate that you are asking and trusting to share here. People often talk about what "happened" to them in terms of sexual assault, including incest. I say that SA doesn't just "happen" like a random fender bender on the freeway. SA, including incest, is calculated, deliberate, and forceful. SA is about the perpetrator taking power and control over a victim, using sex as a weapon and vehicle for force. Intoxication is not a reason, excuse, or explanation. Nor is mental illness. My father was an alcoholic, drug abusing paranoid schizophrenic. He molested 2 of his children that I know of, 1 I'm sure of but can't say, and a sister he hit on, or more. One cannot say, "Oh, he was mentally ill, he did not know what he was doing." Actually his mental illness served him in clever manipulation of his victims. In your experience(s) may I ask what situation that he was in that you are referring to? Feel free to email me. Also, Dotsie has posted the teleseminar on the front page so you can click and here the interview via your computer. Meredith, thank you so much for jumping in here. PL

I heard you,PL, say that 19% of females that have been sexually abused as children, end up in clinical depression, which extends into suicide attempts. And the program host, interviewer didn't know the percentage was that high. I believe there are many women out there who were abused in childhood, but refuse to talk about it. And it eats away at them. Generations before us thought it taboo to speak of such issues. But those of us that vent not only are helping ourselves heal, we're showing others they're not in that painful boat alone. I'd like to say to others on this forum, who've experienced any type of abuse, many of us know the flashbacks and the hurt. And we understand fully, the torn emotions, which result from those awful experiences. And you're in our prayers!
Blessings...

P.S. I agree with the Divine Ms. M; abusers use all types of excuses for their behavior. But it's about power and meanness and selfishness. And believe me, some of them are not mentally ill. One of my abusers was a well-educated,
pillar of the community, professional! The other was my adoptive family's trusted friend. Both of those men were
intelligent, conmen.

Princess..it was a bit hard to write here this time..I even deleted my post once..but I think I am on the brink of being able to talk about this on another level..so I want to try... if I can´t..I´ll go pm.

Ladies..this is a whole new concept for me..this business of controll..premeditation, etc. I have been abused by several men among those that I knew and trusted as a teen-ager..and even before my teenage years. But the most difficult was my father. And he is the one whom I talked to years later..because he wanted to. I didn´t really want to. My parents were living in Calif then and I in Sweden. My father said that he was sick and didn´t have all that much time left. So I took 2 of my children and made the long trip out..in 1983..a year after my daughter died. He said it happened because of his misuse of whiskey and the fact that he lost a very important job from one day to the next..not because of drink, but during the McCarthy time. My father´s psychiatrist from Harvard Med. gave me the same spiel. My father asked me to talk to him before I got married..my father thought I might be using marriage to run..and maybe I was. I bought it, ladies..I bought it all..and I have ever since. So this is new to me and I need it explained..where does the control come in? I don´t see it.

P.S. My father went on to live for many years and travel around the world 2 or 3 times with my mom.. He died 20yrs later..so much for that crisis!

Both of parents were/are highly educated and so is my x-hubby, so I know that education is not a clear pass for anything..it can enrich your life, I think..but it guarentees nothing. There are all sorts of different "IQ´s" these days..a high Intelligence score certainly doesn´t also mean a high Social or Emotional IQ. I am so glad that there are some nuances in the scores today..

Love Winnie the Pooh and Tiger too!

Hello Jabber and Humlan, I am sorry for the abuse you endured. So sad that abuse exists. Statistics pertaining to child abuse, incest, date rape, domestic violence, and more, well, those statistics are not an exact science. When statistics are compiled, the researchers use REPORTED events. So for every incident that is reported, how many go unreported? And, for every one incident that is reported, how many other incidents did the victim endure before filing that ONE report? Jabber, you were listening to the interview with Dennis Griffin. He is a former detective turned crime writer turned author promoter. He would not know the statistics for child abuse, was he shocked by what I said? I don't know. He writes crime, and like I said true crime occurs in our own families. 19% might as well be 25% if we had a margin for all those unreported incidents. 25% is a quarter of our population of women. A quarter of our population of women attempts suicide after sexual assault. That does not account for those who attempt suicide after an attempted sexual assault. Phew! So it is staggering to me to understand that we are losing a quarter of our females potential to sexual violence. No wonder it took so long for women's rights. 25% of us were missing. In terms of perpetrators, they cross all socio economic groups, states of mental health (or illness) educational accomplishments (or not), use of alcohol/drugs (or not)...it does not matter. One of those who committed incest in my family was a city councilman! He was caught, but by that time his daughters and son are already ruined, oh, and his nieces too. No one knows the number of those outside his family that he molested during his many years. "Elected official charged with sex abuse of child." Another was a fireman, putting out fires in the community while abusing his own children until they were just ashes of their former selves. I don't have the notion that everyone who was abused has to talk about it openly in order to heal. I speak out so that others know they are not alone, and if that helps them heal, then, thank God. Many who were abused don't even know that it was abuse. Or, as in my case, she refuses to talk about it until it is suppressed in the memory, only to erupt like a volcano later. But speaking out publicly is not a condition of healing. It is a personal decision. Humlan, I said in the interview with Denny that I had torn up diaries as a child because I was so afraid of what I was writing, and I did not even know what I was writing was child abuse. So if I couldn't handle my own diary, I can just imagine how difficult it was for you to share here. I understand that you would delete it. Did you hear me say that it took me 2 years to tell anyone I wrote a book about surviving child abuse? How's that for deleting a post! Anyway, your spirit wants to unravel what has been all twisted up in knots so that your soul can flow, be free, and soar. That is a meaning to opening up here. I'll talk more about control in another post because this one is so long. I have a lot of extra information and education on my blog, which is attached to my site. I had to close my blog to comments because of hideous spam, but you know how to reach me. Love and Light, Lynn

PL, thank you for posting this subject matter. So many people 'ignore' it and hope it will simply 'go away' with time. Time does not really heal all wounds.

To this day i'd like to expose my uncles for that which they did, how us girls have suffered. Yet, about 35 years later they are pillars of their communities, professionals, wealthy, and are putting their children through college.

That's why so many victims are silent b/c when they speak up they are not believed. I wish more folks would BE REAL.

Mustang, I hate to, but have to agree, time does NOT heal all wounds and with time some wounds actually get worse and affect those suffering in sinister ways. I hate child abusers with all my being especially those commiting sexual abuse. Maybe a typed letter sent confidentially to the slime ball after these many years, when he/she has something to lose, telling him/her that they haven't gotten away with anything, that you remember and Gods gonna get them for what they've done. Just imagine the sleepless nights that could cause waiting to see what comes next... Let them do some remembering and suffering as well. You wouldn't even have to sigh it, let the sick SOB wonder...Payback is a bitch and can be uplifting too.

Mustang,
Chatty's idea sounds like a good one. Let them remember what they did and let live through sleepless night after sleepless night. I know some victims of abuse that haven't had a good nights sleep in years. Turnaround is fair play!!!

http://www.beyondthetears.com/products.html
If anyone wants to help me continue with my cause, please visit the above links for either a copy of the book OR a wonderful crystal pendant that is a fund raiser for TEARS: Telling Everyone About Rape & Suicide. Buying the pendant helps me put gas in my car to go to centers to speak (for free) about these topics. As far as disclosing to the perpetrator, and confronting his abuse, anonymous letter writing is a cathartic technique. How do you confront a dead perpetrator? Write a letter, put it on his grave. Write a letter, send it to the cemetary, with no return address. I don't even know where my father is buried. I wrote a letter, sent it to his last known address (30 years prior) without a return address. When I confronted my brother 30 Years after the fact, it was by letter, and he did have plenty of sleepless nights. My stepfather said my brother "looked like a walking cadaver." My brother's redemptive quality is that he had a conscience, and he went to counseling. Anyway, that's what I was, dead girl walking, because my spirit had been killed while my body went through the motions. In fact, a writer about sexual assault calls it "soul murder." By the grace of God and presence of mind, I was able to resurrect my spirit. But, like we are saying here, "it" never goes away.

Humlan, what you are describing about your father is actually a typical characteristic of perpetrators of abuse. What I understand you saying is that he blamed the abuse on 1) whiskey 2) McCarthy 3) job loss. What is typical here is the inability of the abuser to take responsiblity for his actions. He says he lost a job because it was the McCarthy era. So the train of thought is 1) it's the McCarthy era PLUS 2) he lost his job = abusing his daughter. He has blamed McCarthy not only for losing his job but also for abusing his daughter. This is a pattern of the abuser, a convoluted blaming system. Education has nothing to do with the competance of a psychiatrist. And why was your father going to a Harvard trained psychiatrist in the first place? Then, your father tries to control YOUR decision to get married by second-guessing your motives for marriage. At that point it is not his business WHY you get married. It is only up to you. He played a mind game, and playing games with your mind is a form of control. Getting the psychiatrist on board is another matter of control, controlling you with the theoretical expertise of the psychiatrist. Your father lived 20 years past the crisis? Was the crisis a hoax to manipulate you? There is a lot to think about here. It is probably hard to hear. It's amazing that you say you are on the brink of talking about this on another level. Talking is a huge part of healing. Unfortunately, talking isn't easy. Healing isn't easy. But it is possible. healing means different things to different people. Empowering yourself by recognizing the truth is part of healing. L, PL

I'm pulling this forward so that Humlan has a chance to read it and I don't know if she did and also it might help anyone else.

Thank you for your reply, Princess. I´ve had a crazy busy week..including a head bonk that gave me a concussion with aftermath for 2 days! And yesterday I had my eye op. So I am a bit battered and torn..and haven´t had the energy or time to check in.

But now I have read your answer and given it some thought..mind games. My father was VERY good at mind games! He could turn and twist anything I said..which was very difficult since I was his daughter and so much younger than he.

Sexual abuse, for me. entails 2 people..when it happens in the near family..both the person who does it and the person who turns a blind eye..in this case, my mother. She also, then played her games..as I now see by what you have written. She "organized" so that I was sent to boarding school..a Catholic one, run by nuns..to be away from my father. She never talked about what happened. Not during the time..or anytime after. I have tried to talk with her about it..to somehow understand how she could let my father remain as a part of our family..living at home. I am the only child, by the way. I sincerely wanted to understand her thinking..but we never talked about it..as she never wanted to. It was almost as tho it never happened as the years went by.

My father did talk about it..as I wrote..HE wanted to and so we did. But I see now that he was just trying to excuse himself..not really own up to what happened and what it did to me..and still does.

"Soul murder"..I have called my experience just that. Interesting. I remember discussing "sin" with my x-hubby..I maintained that actions that kill the soul are more serious and deadly to a person than physical acts..like unfaithfulness..I never really realized where I was coming from..but now I know. I had my "soul murdered"..my spirit..many many years ago. And it´s a very tough thing to live with..with part of your soul always bleeding.

My father lived many years after the McCarthy era..he died in 2003 or 4.

My father went to the psyciatrist because he was suffering from depression..the reason my mother gave for why he drank and did what he did..whatever it was. My father stopped drinking when I was 18..but his personality and the man he was, remained.

It´s not hard to hear, Princess..it liberating. Because I am going deeper and perhaps able to see and feel how my parents have manipulated me..and given me oh, so many guilt feelings..along with the Catholic church..and another religion, later on in my life. I am often riddled with self disgust and guilt and self-judgement..I am working on getting rid of these feelings..but they come when I am tired and out of sorts myself. But maybe this is true of many people actually?? I don´t really know.

You know, Princess..I thought I was healed from this..but I see now that alot of what I have been feeling stems from this "soul murder". I suppose that even some of the problems that I had in my marriage come from this time..my poor x-hubby!

And then I want to forgive..be free of it all..and just go on. But it rears its ugly head more often than I have understood. Should I think that my mother knew no better? After all, she was mothering me in the 50´s and 60´s..and then incest was NEVER talked about. My mother did her best..in her own way..is that it?

Chattylady..I am going to sound like a total jerk here..but I LOVE your spirit..and your clear thinking..and your sense of humor. I am serious. Please just tell me..I am a psychologist by education and thought, I guess..so I just wonder..we read in so many different forms that we must be able to forgive to be FREE, etc etc. What do you think about that concept??? I am serious here. I can SOOO identify with what you are saying..and yet, I am stopped by all this that I read..about forgiving and loving, etc etc. I don´t think I´d expect anyone to love me if I had abused anyone sexually..now that I think of it..

You seem to be free of so much junk that I am carrying along the way all the time..thought junk or whatever..so tell me..what´s your secret???

HUUUUGS!!!

Humlan, no matter what your thoughts or where they lead you, no matter what kind of a day you have, no matter ANYTHING; please know you are loved!

Wow, Humlan, you are growing right on this forum! The fact that talking about this and having insights is liberating for you means that you are on the path to the freedome you are talking about. I thought I was unlovable, but I did not relate that to the sexual abuse. I thought I was abused because I was already unlovable. There are affirmations in my book that may be helpful to you for when the guilt and shame rear their heads. And they do rear their heads, especially when stressed. You certainly had an eventful week. You had a concussion? That is a bruise on the brain. Hmmm, a wound in your heart and a bruise on your brain. How is the concussion healing? By the way, forgiveness can mean different things to different people, and it can manifest in different ways. Hard to explain here. You realized that your father wanted to talk about it for his own sake. How selfish! But very common. Yes, sexual abuse (or any abuse) contaminates all of our other relationships. (in reference to your ex-husband) How could it NOT contaminate? I'm so glad my book will make it all the way to Sweden for you. You will read the similarities between us in regards to going to Catholic school, as well as mothers being "complicit" via their silence. More later, L, PL

I just want to add my two cents worth here. I am so shocked by the thought that so many of you wonderful ladies have had to live through sexual abuse. What a horrible statistic, Princess; 1 in every 4 women have lived through this? Just terrible.

I had one tiny incident in my life happen to me. I was only 9 or 10. My mother brought my brother and me to a lake on a summer day. A young man approached me, while I was up to my neck in water, and asked me if I am ticklish. I said no. He said let me try. And fumbled around where he shouldn’t have. I remember being struck like lightening. I couldn’t move I couldn’t scream mommy. Anyway I told him I’m not ticklish, and am going out of the water. This is what I don’t understand about myself. I didn’t go to my mother. Instead I went to the dressing room, and wanted to get out of my bathing suit and into my clothes. Suddenly the young man swung over the top of the dressing room wall into my tiny cabin. He then told me to undress. I think I peed, I was so scared, but I couldn’t scream help. In that moment, my mother’s panicked cry resounded throughout the cabin. The man jumped back over the wall. I answered my Mom, and she scolded me for not telling her where I was. To this day I never told her what happened. I can’t figure out why I didn’t ask for her help? Or why didn't I tell her?

So all I want to say through this message is; let your grandchildren know there are bad men out there. And tell them loud and clear that if anyone should ever touch them to scream their head off and go to Mommy. Maybe if they need help, then they will come to you or their mother for it.

My world was so pure and wholesome; I had no idea how to handle this situation. And although this was just a tiny incident, compared to the hell you ladies have gone through, it haunts me to this day.

Hello EW. I am really sorry this was done to you. In term of statistics, the 1 in 4 pertains to just those incidents that are reported to "authorities." The number is actually much higher, like 1 in 3. Trauma is trauma, and I understand what you are saying that yours might sound tiny in comparison to others, but trauma remains with us forever, like you said, it haunts you to this day. Do you think you remembered all that you had to remember? I think the shock of it renders us mute. Or it's like a dog being hurt that plays dead to protect himself. The dog shuts down. You shut down, mute with fear. Even those of us who did not grow up in pure and wholesome households don't know what to do. I mean, even after what we may have witnessed, when we are touched and we know it's wrong, we just do not know what to do next. Your instinct did tell you to protect your body with clothing. When we don't tell our mothers it is sometimes because we feel we are to blame in some way, and we don't want to be scolded, or we are afraid we won't be believed. Maybe just talking about it here will help it to haunt you less. I hope so. L, PL

EW..I have a thought too..I think that the experience that someone touches you on parts of yourself that are very basically and naturally PRIVATE puts you into a state of shock. You are made mute..because you totally shutdown..physically, emotionally and mentally..to protect yourself. Your body does this instinctively. And your "reptilian part of the brain" takes over..you act totally on instinct. This happens when you get something in your eye..you instinctively blink many times and your tears start to run..to protect your eye. Or you see a ball coming your way..destined to hit your stomach..you automatically cover your tummy with your hands to protect it. The rest of your brain shuts down so as to make your instinctive actions even faster..because the thinking part of our brain makes us react more slowly. This would explain why you didn´t think of asking your mom for help..everything shutdown..you were acting on your animal level only. These processes have become known now thru brain research..and are very interesting.

Then even many moments after or years..you still cannot talk about it..because it has to do with so very private places within your body and therefore, your soul/spirit. I think, as Princess does, that probably the f...... guilt thing comes into it,too.. and your own uneasiness and fear when remembering..and perhaps also the worry of what feelings you could have awakened in your mother. I mean, it´s not easy to talk about these things..ever. And trying to understand why he did what he did when he did it..isn´t easy either. Kinda making sense out of the whole thing..isn´t easy..

I am not trying to make your experience bigger than it is for you..but just putting my 2 cents worth in...

JJ..thank you! thank you so much!

Princess and Humlan I just read this post, and I thank you. It does explain my reaction. And I think it helped me to see this little incident as a thing done to me; but it has nothing to do with me. Thank you.

Humlan, just getting back to this topic. Sorry I somehow missed your question. Now I want to say that sure some things that people do and/or say are forgiveable. Then there are those that are NOT, and should never be...

Stepping over the sexual line with a chld by any adult with power is to me something that is UNFORGIVEABLE and there is NO excuse, none, not ever!!! I don't forgive that, I had it happen to me as well when very young. I decided rather than carry the pain, or wallow in a non-existant shame, as I was guilty of nothing, I would erase that person from my life, he is and always has been dead to me. He dare not ever try to play the "I'm so sorry card."

With him or them, whoever these maggots may be, it is a great and victorius feeling to get even as I mentioned earlier. Let them squirm for a change now that you have power too, wondering when or if the hammer will drop and their precious reputations will now, years later, jump up to bite them in the ass. The satisfaction of their fears is sweet... Paybacks can be a b/witch...
Even if there are none, the constant fear they suffer is worth the threat.

I remember also that these perpatrators will one day stand before God, I wouldn't want to be them then trying to make excuses...

Never allow what happened to you, or me, or countless others bring us down to the level of the low life misfits that hurt us. We are BETTER than they are, we are STRONGER than they are, and they aren't worth a second thought and certainly NEVER forgiveness.

That is my thinking and what keeps me strong, humorous and free from the past... living in the past for anyone is just dumb. Enjoy the here and now, laugh, smile, it feels good.

Thank you Chattylady..things have come my way lately..knocking on my door..that have made me believe that we are here to gather happiness/joy..and by doing so, we will help the energy of the world..we add, so to speak, to the positive energy in the universe..and we make a difference. So, I am trying to move on..and enjoy life..as I was meant to do..as we are all meant to do or so I think.. maybe we just might turn the world around?..

So I get your message..loud and clear!

Thank you, Chattylady for returning to my post!

I'm very sorry about the intense abuse suffered by so many of you. A comparatively small incident happened to me, kind of similar to what happened to Edelweiss, but I was about 5 and was learning to ride a two wheeler. I used to wear dresses all the time. I'd fallen off the bike when trying to turn around at the corner. A man -- I later learned he was maybe about 18 -- ran over to me and exposed himself and told me to suck it. Of course I said no. He said it again. At that time there was a funny smell in the air -- I later understood it was air pollution from steel plants farther south in Chicago. In my young mind I thought it was coming from his "thing" and thought it was fake and that it was full of poison and he was trying to trick me so he'd poison me. Isn't that wild? He stuck his hand down my pants and asked if it hurt. It did, but I said no. He again made his request and I kept refusing, so he ran off.

I went home and told my mother about it. And here's the thing == for years I thought she hadn't believed me. So this always haunted me and I'm sure the incident has a lot to do with the person I am and the choices I've made. But she said that she'd asked me if I was scared and I told her no because I'd seen my brothers' before. She said she tried not to freak me out, so she acted very nonchalant. I attended a high school reunion and ran into an old friend. We got to talking about the neighborhood and found that she'd been approached by the same guy. But her father found out about it and called the cops and the guy went to jail. My mom later confirmed it too. She'd known at the time that my friend had also shared that experience. So...Edelweiss, see, I told my mom, but I'm not sure if in the end it made things better or worse for me. I used to tell this story at slumber parties sometimes because I was trying to process it all. Oh, and after that, I always wore shorts under my dress.

EW, I truly think your guardian angel alerted your mom to call. No matter, I'm glad the situation was near null... I know there is some trauma involved, though, regardless of you not soliciting his attention.

Sorry about all the separate posts, but I'm responding as I'm reading the thread....

Quote:

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So...Edelweiss, see, I told my mom, but I'm not sure if in the end it made things better or worse for me. I used to tell this story at slumber parties sometimes because I was trying to process it all. Oh, and after that, I always wore shorts under my dress.

---

My word... and out in the open! I wish you had smacked it a good one, DJ!!!!!

Yeah. Except I was a little kid and it was right in my face. I thought it was fake.

Gims, I agree, it is difficult to live in the here and now . . . ghost lurk in the cobwebs of my mind.

Such a trauma is like a barbed wire fence, you can see through it, yet getting through it is another thing altogether.

My abusers (uncles, ex-husband, prior supervisor) live as if nothing happened and got promoted and have more money than they need. It's debilitating for the victim or 'survivor'.

As a survivor of a verbally and physically abusive relationship, I completely agree with the original sentiment of this thread. I finally left my ex-husband after he physically assaulted our (then) 6 year old daughter and me. If I knew what I know now, I would have left far sooner for the verbal and emotional abuse. As far as long term results; the verbal and emotional abuses were far more damaging to my children and me than the physical.
It is important to be really understanding with a friend who has been in this situation. I, for example, had a really hard time asking for help after I left because every time I asked my ex for help, I ended up getting hurt (either physically, or emotionally with a tirade about my inadequacies as a human being). My Father and Mother, in particular, commented frequently about my inability to just simply say when I needed help. I was so conditioned to NOT ask for help, because I didn’t want to pay the consequences.

Breathing Again, welcome to BWS. I'm glad you found us. And I'm glad you are out of that situation. Many people can't see the scars of emotional abuse and therefore can't understand the long-term ramifications and mangled thinking processes that an emotionally abused child/person goes through. I'm currently undergoing intensive therapy to heal the damage wrought by years of verbal/emotional abuse when I was a young child. While physical abuse leaves scars, verbal and emotional abuse leave invisible and insidious wounds that don't show up on any x-ray, but do leak out all over the place in social interactions and interpretation processes.

I'm glad you're able to ask for help. And this is a great (and usually safe) place to come and rest your soul and find people who DO understand and care.

Well, I have been remiss. I have been missing. I dropped out for a while, not realizing that there was important work being done at BWS. Mustang, that's so true about trauma being like a barbed wire fence. DJ, what a scarey situation for you. It's understandable that you would think it was a fake, because who would do such a thing for real? Gims, I am concerned about what you are thinking in terms of not talking about things. I'm sorry, but I guess I don't understand. Breathing Again, I'm sorry for what you and your daughter experienced. 6 years old! I think what you are describing is called "learned helplessness." We lose our power to abusers. Abusers let us think that we are nothing without them, or nothing period. We are conditioned to not ask for help. You know, I never quite understood the phrase: "They did the best they could with what they had and knew at the time." In some ways I think that is true of my mother. But I can't understand that in terms of my father and step father. I mean, the best they could do was beat, berate, and belittle? For my own good? Because they LOVED me? Eagle, I have read your book and your posts for years, and not until your post above did I understand that you suffered from verbal/emotional abuse. I think you did not explore this in your book. As far as an abuser being dead-to-you, I guess that can be so, even if he is still living, but I swear the ghost of him lingers forever. Even if he is really dead. And, dead or alive, it is the most irksome irony that they go on, here or hereafter, as if nothing ever happened. And, it did not just happen. It was no accident. Talk about "interpretation process." Tonight my husband is being especially devoted: serving me wine, making me pizza, replacing batteries, fixing umbrella, and telling me he knows how unhappy he'd be without me. And I ask him, "Why are you being so nice to me?" After 20 years of marriage, I have to ask? Those of you who are recovering from the ramifications of abuse, tell me, please, do you ever, ever let your guard down? L, PL xxoo missed you all

EW, I love love love this image. It looks like there is a signature "Lynn" on the left side of the picture. That is one haunting image. I could stare at it forever.

Lynn, you are missed!

EH, praying something as light as a feather will soon knock down those walls.

BreathingAgain, welcome. Glad you're able to share about this topic. You make an excellent point about why women in these abusive situations are afraid to ask for help. I think Eagle also touched on it by menitoning the fear of giving her dad a heart attack. I hope to see youposting in other forums soon. So glad you're breathing again. I must share that a friend of mine had horrendous asthma. Her therapist told her it was anxiety. She denied it. Her mom was living with and dying in her home. Once her mom died, the asthma subsided. So I believe your screen name to be totally true.

JJ, this sounds odd, but I missed me too. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed and withdraw. Thanks...!! Eagle, wow, it does sound like you have an amazing therapist. It sounds like you look to everyone like you had to look to your mom. Through her body language, expressions, hidden agendas, you had to decipher how YOU had to react, such as, "If she says this, then I better say that." Etc. It sounds very exhausting. Oh, and that threat is so abusive in itself: "if you ever tell, it will kill your father." Then what, you are left with your mother? I think sometimes we don't know how or when our prayers are answered. You are facing what you need to see ("see") so that you can have peace. That's an amazing profound answer to a prayer. Despite the ugliness of the abuse, and it's ramifications, when you acknowledge it for what it is, I know for sure that you become more whole because the truth of who you really are (loved, loving, loveable) fills the holes with light. L, PL xxoo