Since my son's car accident I have taken the time to consider the mortality of my teens.

Just last weekend we filled the house with pictures of my oldest son through the years for his guests to see at his graduation party.

I had an eerie feeling this week when I looked at some of those darling pictures of him growing up thinking we could have been placing them around the funeral home. Ewww, writing this is weird, but I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought it!

My question is...do teens think about their mortality? My conversation with my son about this was a disaster. I seem to want him to communicate verbally that he has pondered all this, converse with me about it, get it all out, go over and over all the *what ifs* and *thank Gods*...and all he could say was something like..."I'm not stupid. How can you possibly think I could live through this and not think about it?"

Geez, I'm left wondering if it is a guy/girl thing, or a mother/son thing.

I'm not sure it's a boy/girl or mom/son thing -- just a "personal" thing -- something inside him between him and his God -- and perhaps it's just not something he could put in words even if he wanted too. My youngest and I haven't discussed the night his brother died -- I worry about it and want to discuss it with him -- wonder what he's thinking now -- but I don't think he's ready to talk about it yet -- perhaps he never will be ---

He knows what you're trying to say -- and that you love him -- it's something he will remember for the rest of his life -- and I think has and will continue to change his life in some way --

may i suggest that you just let him know that you trust him -- and perhaps in the years to come you two will have this conversation --

I agree.Perhaps in years to come you'll talk.My son told me many thoughts,events,misgivings one mother's day on our porch right before he got married.It was one of my best days ever. Trust in God's time. If you plant the seed and nurture with love the seed does blossom just perhaps not when we are watching and waiting.Deep breath.

Ladies, thanks for your replies. I am a little teary eyed at my stupidity of what I tried to get my son to tak about sooooo soon after the accident.

Everything is in God's perfect timing, but there are times when I just need to hear my kids say certain things and it is very selfish for me to ask them to verbalize thoughts they may not even be able to process yet. My problem!

Live and learn...and thanks to you for the reminders.

Caloona, what a blessing to have had that time with your son. Also, for you to share that it was one of your best days ever. Many women are so relational that it doesn't take much to make our days. We don't need diamonds, we just need to hear the memories and thought processes of our loved ones to be communicated every now and then.

I think one of the hardest things being a mom is learning that there ARE times we arent allowed to be human

The human part of us wants to hear this and that and we want to hear it when we want to hear it -- but the mother in us has to learn that we don't have that "right" or control over someone else.

I knew that time would someday tell if my youngest son had forgiven me for all the times I had let him down -- we had been so close when he was a child and I really didn't know if we would ever be close again -- then a few years ago I was sitting in the chair looking out the window at nature and he walked up behind me -- put his arms around me and said "I love you mom" -- I froze --I was sooooo scared to say anything -- afraid to move -- if I even breathed he might let go and walk away. How could I keep this moment going on and on and on -----

After I felt safe with my voice to speak -- I told him he had just made my day -- my year -- and that I loved him too. To my surprise he didn't bolt -- and after a minute or two he let me go and we discussed how it might rain later or something silly and unimportant -- and yet it was more meaningful to me than words can express.

It was done -- I was forgiven and we were on the forward track once again -- no excuses or long discussion -- all was well again and it was all in God's time

so don't kick yourself too hard -- it's only human for us mothers to forget we can't always be human

Bless my soul ,Dotsie ,don't think yourself selfish.It's good we let our kids know that talking about something is soooo much better than leaving it inside.Sometimes I would bug my son to tell me certain things,but then I learned his pattern.He will talk after he has time to process things by himself,been like that since he was little.I use to teach PET-Parent Effectiveness Training.Active listening-expressing how you feel-specifically without putting blame or responsibility on the other.A win-win situation.I had conceived a child with an Irish and Italian temperment-I had to do something to save him!!!!Active listening taught me a lot and I truly believe became a major part of my son's personality.The technique still shows up when the 2 of us NEED to talk about something.Point is he eventually does talk-I keep letting him know that "I trust he will tell me when he is ready".That wording leaves the door open and he has usually walked through.
The PET is also very useful when the need to mediate with my middle schoolers have "incidents".
I'm not saying I always employ this method. I'm an emotional person,so initially I'll usually react from that perspective.Having the active listening skill allows me to kick in to an alternative when I am blessed with the presence of mind to use it.

Funny Caloona, I taught STEP parenting classes years ago and I am so glad I did. I have truly used those techniques of letting the kids talk, affirming what they say instead of reacting or denying their feelings, using "I" statements, etc.

I must say they work better on certain children than others.

I guess I am finished beating myself up on that issue of having to make sure he learned his lesson. By the grace of God, life goes on and time heals all wounds.