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#14373 - 12/13/02 04:33 PM Missing Dad
Kathryn Offline
Member

Registered: 11/20/02
Posts: 317
Loc: Towson
It's been several years since my dad died rather suddenly and I seem to have traveled the grief steps through to the end....acceptance. But from thanksgiving morning until new years day it seems every day is one of missing my dad terribly. There are the silly things that remind me of him, like olives. He always put olives on the table on Thanksgiving because he new I loved them. I find myself putting olives in my salad for lunch each day like somehow I can ingest my dad. And almonds....when we were little, Dad's holiday culinary contribution was to blanch almonds, pop the skins, fry them in butter and salt them. It took hours and hours and all of our fingers got pruney and sore...but oh those almonds were so good. I can't bring myself to buy them and keep the tradition alive. And of course there are the christmas carols, and throwing big handfuls of tinsel at the tree to make the kids laugh. When I wrap gifts, sometimes instead of tags I use a black magic marker and scrawl a child's name on the package like he used to. (after wrapping until 4am and a six pack!) I know many of you have lost a loved one and are still feeling that loss....how do you cope when the ache gets so bad that it nearly brings you to your knees?

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#14374 - 12/13/02 09:41 PM Re: Missing Dad
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Sounds like you had a wonderful Dad! What great memories. Boy can I relate to your post! 'Cept for me... it's my mom that I miss. Mom always made the holiday season special. She had this very funny high pitched voice she would sing in when she was happy. Last night I found myself singing in that voice and couldn't help thinking of Mom. My kids think I am just as weird as I thought my mom was when she sang in that voice! Secretly...I always thought she was so funny when she did that. I have friends today who still remember Mom and her opera singing voice.

Your post reminded me of how often I think of her. In this week alone I had thoughts of Mom while:
-unpacking the dusty decorations as they came out of the attic.
-putting ornaments on the tree that she had given us.
-heading out to shop last night after dinner was cleaned up(she basically only went shopping at night during the holiday season and one of us got to go with her to pick surprise gifts for our brother and sisters.
-wrapping Christmas gifts and putting- FROM, SANTA in this disguised handwriting so the kids wouldn't know I had written it.
-shopping and saw this Christams tin with Hershey Kisses on it (they were her favorite chocolate candy.
-cleaning my Dad's apartment to get him ready for Christmas (I don't know how he lives there every day with all the memories of her.
These are just a few of the times I've thought of Mom this week. Yes, it is hard, but I'm grateful that I have such fun memories. I am also happy that she is in a better place.
Kathryn, thanks for the post...it made me take the time to think about Mom a little more. It felt great!

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#14375 - 12/14/02 07:07 AM Re: Missing Dad
Micki Offline
Member

Registered: 10/30/02
Posts: 144
Loc: Linthicum, MD
I lost both my husband and mother in the last few years. I just go with the flow and take one day at a time. Some days I cry from morning to night; some days I laugh the entire time. Life is so full of joy AND pain...and I have both. I am joyful and thankful that I had 51 years with my mother, and that I had 30 years with my husband. I am hurt that I had only 51 years with Mom and 30 years with Tim. 'Tis a puzzlement!

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#14376 - 12/17/02 01:02 AM Re: Missing Dad
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
I lost my son last August. He was 23. There are days that I wonder how I will get out of bed. I wonder how I can possibly survive this. I wonder if this black hole has devoured my soul.

and then I think of my son

and I realize that he was never mine to keep -- I was blessed with him for 23 years on this earth and I know that he passes my way everyday with his energy

and then I think of my other son

He's 22 and starting the greatest adventure he can be on -- living life. He's chosen a woman to share this adventure with that I love as if she were my own. They are bringing new life into their world and have offered me a chance to be a part of that. I want to watch their love grow, help them brush off their knees when life brings them to them, redeem myself and my mistakes as a mother by being a better grandmother.

I want to live

so I cry when I miss my child, smile when I see the beauty of life around me and thank God for the chance to be part of this mystery called life.

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#14377 - 12/17/02 07:41 AM Re: Missing Dad
Candice Johnson Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/02
Posts: 416
Loc: Alexandria, VA
I too have been having a hard time with Christmas this year. My grandmother died in August and Christmas Eve was really her thing. On top of that is my parents recent break up and estrangement, so it does not leave me looking forward to the holiday. I have forced myself to start new traditions with my husband and friends since my father does not really want to celebrate the season the way his mother did. While I still find myself sobbing every other day simply because they have to play O Holoy Night wherever I am (her favorite Christmas song), I do have many friends who have offered a lot of comfort and here is some of their thoughts:

He told me that loss hits us more during these times because things feel like they are in dischord. Something just isn't right. The happiness of the holidays mixed in with the sadness of loss does not make a pleasant melody. What he said, which may require a very big reliance on faith that I don't think I have, is that God always hits the right chords to help you along. Maybe he has by giving me a friend like that who would just out of the blue send me an e-mail knowing that this holiday would probably be difficult for me.

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#14378 - 12/17/02 07:46 PM Re: Missing Dad
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
quote:
Originally posted by Candice Johnson:
which may require a very big reliance on faith that I don't think I have

Perhaps there lies the secret - finding something inside YOU that can bring some sort of peace - some sort of "rationalization" of it all. Does there have to be a reason for it all? Perhaps it's a simple as -- life happens -- to all of us and the ones who can move on and survive it have found something within to make it bearable. Some call it faith -- some call it inner strength -- in my case I'm still looking -- but I know that I'm a survivor and that I'm not the only one going through this and bottom line -- there isn't a thing I can do about it and that gives me some sort of strange strength to keep looking forward.

I went through the emotions of loss of traditions and family get togethers yesterday with my sister (who lives many states away). I was depressed that I seemed to be the only one that wanted to feel the holiday spirit -- follow the family traditions and it was making me miss my son even more because he would have "put up with me" and tried to make me happy. Then I realized that I was looking for everyone else to make me feel "good" -- to feel that "holiday spirit". That feeling has to come from within -- no one else can make me feel that way - truly feel that way - so I'm going to decorate the house for ME and I'm busy making Christmas gifts for those I love around me for ME and I'm going to enjoy the holidays because it makes ME feel good ;-)

and so -- once again I see that life goes on and if I don't want to be RUN OVER by it -- I better get my track shoes back on ;-)

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL ;-)

[ December 17, 2002, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: lionspaaw ]

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