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#141859 - 02/11/08 02:20 AM Don't know what to do
SueC Offline


Registered: 10/19/07
Posts: 3
How do you know when you're ready for a divorce? My husband & I have been married for 19 years & things have been bad for maybe the last 7 - he has anger issues/control issues/communication issues & no interest in sex. It's gotten progressively worse & back in the spring I told him things had to change - that I couldn't take living like that any more, where every one was walking on eggshells to keep him from blowing up. He brought up divorce, but I thought after all this time we should try to work it out. By November I decided I'd had enough & when I told him I was moving out all of a sudden he decided he was ready to go to a counselor. We're going, but I feel like at this point it's too little too late. I moved out in November but haven't taken any steps toward actually getting a divorce. I just don't know what to do -I'm much happier/less tense on my own, but I feel bad because I don't really feel anything for him at all (except angry & annoyed), and I feel like after all those years together I can't have just stopped loving him. So how do you know if it's possible to get those feelings back or if a point comes when it's just too late?

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#141860 - 02/11/08 05:51 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: SueC]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
SueC...I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this...but, join the club. Do you have any children?
The best person, in my opinion, to ask this question to is Hannelore. Tell me if I'm wrong, Hannelore, but didn't you feel like SueC at one time? And you did leave and it woke your husband up.
We all can't be success stories like Hannelore and others.
My heart goes out to you on this...has he gotten physically abusive with you when he gets angry? Has he cheated?
I divorced because I did not want to live the rest of my life walking on egg shells and waiting for the next bomb to drop. It just wasn't worth it.
I'm sure you loved him but love can die or be beaten down so much that it cannot recover. There's no shame in moving away from this kind of abusiveness and I support you for having the strength and good sense to get out of loveless and abusive situation. You're a woman...not a dog. You deserve respect and nurturing and love. It took me many years, most of my life really, to love myself enough to allow myself to have a decent man in my life...I guess I didn't think I was worth it and settled. That never ends well. Did you settle when you married? Were there red flags beforehand? Did his behavior change over time or was it always there?
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#141861 - 02/11/08 08:08 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Dee]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Dee is right, Sue. Not too long ago I was asking myself the same questions. All my complaining and bickering never changed anything. Then after a fight, I just packed an overnight bag and left.
My husband was floored. He didn’t think I had it in me.

We reconciled, and went to counselling. Believe me, our marriage still isn’t perfect, no way. But Hubby is trying, and when I see him try it makes me love him more because I know it isn’t easy for him. I thought I didn’t love him anymore either, but I do. It was there all along, I was just disappointed in how things were developing.

I suggest you take a time out. Show him you mean business. You have children, though, right? Oh dear,…that makes it harder. Is it possible for you to take the kids on a vacation? Just you and the children? Leave him alone for a weekend, so he will get a taste of the alternative life. That might be all you need.

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is.

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#141863 - 02/16/08 05:52 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
Q_ball Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 201
Loc: Ozarks
Beware when you get back, HIS mind: You've had your break and should be ready to get back to business as usual with new found "energy, happiness etc..." from a few days out. I find when I go away for a weekend, I hate the drive back home,the closer I get the more stressed out I get and feel the urge to just keep on driving VS going back to the SOS. With my DH it's 'Oh boy" special dinner for leaving me alone to eat canned soup, bed's made again, HIS TV cause i got to watch what i wanted for a night or two away!!! the list goes on, but you get the drift. We are supposed to come home refreshed & maybe we do, I do, but the refreshment fades fast when home life tosses Poop on it. Do Not get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart..He's done so many wonderful things for our family in the past. I know the old him is still in there should the occassion arise that he needed to emerge from his current lazy self centered state. I just can't stand the man he's evolved into as he's aged. I'm speeding up and he's slowing down and becoming more like my DAD! Bossy, attempts control, has to know every move (within & outside the home I make)..at least he 'thinks he knows',,LOL drinks too much, watches TV too loud, falls asleep early, sleeps late, boasts for reasons that he has no right to, gotten generally sloppy & seldom keeps his word or schedule/plans. So, I go on about my life as if what he tells me is going to happen probably won't. Yet, I took a vow for life & it's not the 1st time my determined nature has backfired, but I will not give up on my marriage. We have good times sparce as they are, it's enough to overlook the jagged edges. with things like *Like roasting marshmallows in the fire place on Valentine day-OK so I had to get the marshmallows but he fell into the spirit of the fun for me** Plus with our assests, we both have too much to loose & we do share a goal of holding onto our property (location) for our sons. Big as it is, there's not room for us to be on it seperatly together. So, I try to focus on his best qualities and live with the bad.
_________________________
Q~Ball aka Q~Ball101

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#141865 - 02/16/08 08:53 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Q-ball...sounds sad to me.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#141866 - 02/17/08 12:21 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Dee]
Q_ball Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 201
Loc: Ozarks
Dee, I'm not sad, haven't been sad since my mom passed away. I am simply very dissapointed, frustrated, regretful at mistakes I didn't stop him from making, and angry. In due time something will change for some reason. I'm not going to QUIT. He's never raised a hand to me and can be a sweetheart when he wants. The rest is mind games & finances. I can deal with that and be quite happy inspite of it. I've got a LOT to be happy about too. OK Enough on me, I was just responding to Sue, we should get back to her issues.
Thanks for Caring Dee, even you sweet smiling pic gives me comfort Sweetie, QBall
_________________________
Q~Ball aka Q~Ball101

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#141867 - 02/17/08 02:59 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Q_ball]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
If there's a perfect person in the world, I haven't seen him yet. One guy drinks. Another does drugs. Another runs around. Another chases women. Another beats everyone within a hundred foot radius into a pulp. Another plays mind games.
Another gripes about money or too much shopping. Another cross-dresses. Another abuses kids and animals. No wonder the rate of successful marriage is at or lower than 50%. Good grief!


Edited by jabber (02/17/08 03:00 PM)

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#141868 - 02/18/08 10:58 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: jabber]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
AMEN to that Jabber!!!!!!
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#141870 - 02/19/08 09:29 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Guess true love overrides faults! I don't know. I went through a divorce and it about killed me. I've been married to hubby #2 for over a quarter century and still think about hubby #1 on occasion. Divorce rots. Some marriages are no fun. Of course, we females have faults, too. I've said it before and I'll say it again: being human isn't easy!!! LOL...

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#141871 - 02/19/08 11:44 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: jabber]
Q_ball Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 201
Loc: Ozarks
I think the real difference in M/F is, women are more apt to admit their faults and for some reason we actually try to fix our faults. Men just assume the position of perfection or express oh boo-hoo is me when they have to admit one. AND we sometimes get caught up in actually trying to console them! Some times NOT, that when the look on their faces is priceless...LOL
MY DH was visiably looped last night. He admited it, I laughed at him, he apologized and I told him to save it for himself in the morning. Naturally by not getting angry he said I didn't care about him. I still laughed and told him he was a funny little drunk (even at 6-4), fed him and tossed his butt in bed. Had a nice quiet evening out of it anyhow.
_________________________
Q~Ball aka Q~Ball101

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#141872 - 02/29/08 03:52 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Q_ball]
SueC Offline


Registered: 10/19/07
Posts: 3
I just can't believe leaving can hurt this much, even though I know it's the best thing for me to do. I guess part of it is this is the first time in my life I've put my needs ahead of other people's and it feels so strange. Is this normal?

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#141874 - 02/29/08 07:44 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Sue, I think if leaving your man hurts you so much; then maybe it is a sign to rethink things over.

If I were to take such a step, then I would only do it if I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. And although I would feel lousy about my marriage not working out, my anticipation about my new life, along with the relief of leaving the pain behind, should outweigh the sadness or guilt feelings.

It doesn’t always have to be divorce. Just a trial separation might be all you need to see things more clearly.

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#141875 - 02/29/08 08:00 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: SueC]
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
Sue..it´s normal..very normal. They say it takes about 7yrs to really really get over and be free of a divorce. A divorce is like a death..death of your dreams for the future and a death of a relationship that sometimes can be compared to a person or individual = a man and woman in a relationship = one living breathing organism/individual.

SueC.. I divorced my husband after 32yrs of marriage..5 kids (one who died after a long sickness at 11 yrs old). It was HELL for 2 years after the divorce..really TOUGH and painful..and it brought up so many issues in my life that I thought I had already worked my way thru long ago. The divorce kind of stirred the big kettle of soup that is me..and many unexpected things in my life surfaced again..it´s all part of the process..IF you believe in what you are doing, SueC. BUT questions and doubts are part of the process too. I can still..after almost 8 yrs ask myself..what did I do? Was it right? But deep inside I know that it was right for me..and for my family. I am so much happier, lighter, freer and have so much more understanding and love for myself..and therefore for others. I believe in myself so much more than I ever could in our marriage. We were good together, my husband and I, but somewhere along the line..we became not so good for eachother..yes, I am part of the reason we divorced..OF COURSE..it takes 2 to make a marriage and interplay.

Today, my x husband and I talk freely and have contact on all family events..grandchildren´s and children´s birthdays, graduations and this past Christmas Eve I spent at our old home..where my husband still lives..celebrating Christmas with my 2 sons (27yrs and 18yrs)..

Yes, I have a new relationship now..he is my partner..we are not married.

Just some thoughts for you along your way..my hugs and support go with you!!!
_________________________
"some sacred place.."

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#141876 - 02/29/08 08:08 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: SueC]
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
SueC..a P.S. for you..YES it´s normal to feel strange,guilty about putting your own needs before other peoples..it´s a new way of doing things for you..it´s a new concept..and you probably don´t know HOW to put your needs first..and the balance of when to help and when to remember what you need..it´s not easy. It takes most of us all our lives, I would think, to learn to balance on this tight of rope of my needs vs other´s needs. AND you can go on learning this within a marriage as well outside of it. It probably depends on the atmosphere and feel in your marriage/a marriage..if there is enough space given for both to learn the "balance act" that is life..

Just another thought along the way..
_________________________
"some sacred place.."

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#141877 - 03/01/08 02:29 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: humlan]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
And a very wise thought Humlan...and so true. To give you an example, I was going to fix meatloaf for myself one day and I thought, "Oh I can't fix that, nobody but me likes it." Then I thought, WHATTTTT? I have been divorced 15 years....and my boys have been gone from home over 5 years...who wouldn't like it? There's nobody here but me! So my point is that we do put everyone else's needs before our own for so many years that it is second nature to us and when we realize we have choices, actual REAL choices we can make, they feel strange...unnatural...so I totally relate.

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#141878 - 03/01/08 04:20 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: jawjaw]
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
My divorce was in 1993, and I had a hard time dealing with it at first. It felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or long enough and that I had failed. Looking back on it now, I know it was the right thing to do. Divorce isn't failure on anybody's part, it is just the separation of two people with different goals, thoughts, needs, personalities, whatever. Towards the end of that marriage, I started taking time for me, which he didn't like. I think that's what made me realize that he and I had nothing in common, if we ever did. I did feel guilty at first about doing what I wanted, but then I realized that if I didn't take care of myself first, I wouldn't be able to take care of anyone else. I still have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to take time to recharge my batteries, and I can always feel it if I haven't 'recharged' in a while. My current partner isn't threatened by my taking time to do things I want to do. Both of us are fine with either one of us taking time out for whatever we need.

I don't think taking care of your own needs is selfish, it just feels strange at first when you're used to meeting everyone else's needs first. If we don't put ourselves first, we're no good to anyone.
_________________________
Well-behaved women rarely make history. - Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
http://ruthrainwater.wordpress.com/
http://newbeginningsgratitudejournal.wordpress.com/
http://sablewings.wordpress.com/

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#141879 - 03/01/08 07:38 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: yonuh]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
There's a good suggestion (it seems to me) in yonuh's post. Test the waters by doing things by yourself and for yourself (as if you were already single) to see how you feel doing them - nothing like an affair, or anything - it might prove to be a primer for divorce, or it might give you another perspective on being married.

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#141880 - 03/02/08 04:44 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: gims]
humlan Offline


Registered: 04/15/07
Posts: 1341
Loc: Sweden
Hi SueC..hope that you are ok..thinking of you and saying "hi"
_________________________
"some sacred place.."

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#141881 - 03/08/08 08:10 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: SueC]
HappyWednesday Offline


Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 16
Loc: Massachusetts, USA
Hello Sue,
I work with women all over the world who are thinking of divorce, during divorce and are divorced. I'm glad both of you are going to counseling. Many times I see couples who don't understand their own as well as their spouse's communication style and what also fills each other's love tank. Having gone through divorce 12 years ago, I always recommend to try and work it out with all available resources first.
_________________________
Author, Radio Personality, Speaker
Business/Personal Coach- specializing in divorce and Cert. Laughter Leader

www.FreshStartAfterDivorce.com
jw@joanwinberg.com

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