I just can't believe leaving can hurt this much, even though I know it's the best thing for me to do. I guess part of it is this is the first time in my life I've put my needs ahead of other people's and it feels so strange. Is this normal?

Sue, I think if leaving your man hurts you so much; then maybe it is a sign to rethink things over.

If I were to take such a step, then I would only do it if I felt like a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. And although I would feel lousy about my marriage not working out, my anticipation about my new life, along with the relief of leaving the pain behind, should outweigh the sadness or guilt feelings.

It doesn’t always have to be divorce. Just a trial separation might be all you need to see things more clearly.

Sue..it´s normal..very normal. They say it takes about 7yrs to really really get over and be free of a divorce. A divorce is like a death..death of your dreams for the future and a death of a relationship that sometimes can be compared to a person or individual = a man and woman in a relationship = one living breathing organism/individual.

SueC.. I divorced my husband after 32yrs of marriage..5 kids (one who died after a long sickness at 11 yrs old). It was HELL for 2 years after the divorce..really TOUGH and painful..and it brought up so many issues in my life that I thought I had already worked my way thru long ago. The divorce kind of stirred the big kettle of soup that is me..and many unexpected things in my life surfaced again..it´s all part of the process..IF you believe in what you are doing, SueC. BUT questions and doubts are part of the process too. I can still..after almost 8 yrs ask myself..what did I do? Was it right? But deep inside I know that it was right for me..and for my family. I am so much happier, lighter, freer and have so much more understanding and love for myself..and therefore for others. I believe in myself so much more than I ever could in our marriage. We were good together, my husband and I, but somewhere along the line..we became not so good for eachother..yes, I am part of the reason we divorced..OF COURSE..it takes 2 to make a marriage and interplay.

Today, my x husband and I talk freely and have contact on all family events..grandchildren´s and children´s birthdays, graduations and this past Christmas Eve I spent at our old home..where my husband still lives..celebrating Christmas with my 2 sons (27yrs and 18yrs)..

Yes, I have a new relationship now..he is my partner..we are not married.

Just some thoughts for you along your way..my hugs and support go with you!!!

SueC..a P.S. for you..YES it´s normal to feel strange,guilty about putting your own needs before other peoples..it´s a new way of doing things for you..it´s a new concept..and you probably don´t know HOW to put your needs first..and the balance of when to help and when to remember what you need..it´s not easy. It takes most of us all our lives, I would think, to learn to balance on this tight of rope of my needs vs other´s needs. AND you can go on learning this within a marriage as well outside of it. It probably depends on the atmosphere and feel in your marriage/a marriage..if there is enough space given for both to learn the "balance act" that is life..

Just another thought along the way..

And a very wise thought Humlan...and so true. To give you an example, I was going to fix meatloaf for myself one day and I thought, "Oh I can't fix that, nobody but me likes it." Then I thought, WHATTTTT? I have been divorced 15 years....and my boys have been gone from home over 5 years...who wouldn't like it? There's nobody here but me! So my point is that we do put everyone else's needs before our own for so many years that it is second nature to us and when we realize we have choices, actual REAL choices we can make, they feel strange...unnatural...so I totally relate.

My divorce was in 1993, and I had a hard time dealing with it at first. It felt like I hadn't tried hard enough or long enough and that I had failed. Looking back on it now, I know it was the right thing to do. Divorce isn't failure on anybody's part, it is just the separation of two people with different goals, thoughts, needs, personalities, whatever. Towards the end of that marriage, I started taking time for me, which he didn't like. I think that's what made me realize that he and I had nothing in common, if we ever did. I did feel guilty at first about doing what I wanted, but then I realized that if I didn't take care of myself first, I wouldn't be able to take care of anyone else. I still have to remind myself sometimes that it's okay to take time to recharge my batteries, and I can always feel it if I haven't 'recharged' in a while. My current partner isn't threatened by my taking time to do things I want to do. Both of us are fine with either one of us taking time out for whatever we need.

I don't think taking care of your own needs is selfish, it just feels strange at first when you're used to meeting everyone else's needs first. If we don't put ourselves first, we're no good to anyone.

There's a good suggestion (it seems to me) in yonuh's post. Test the waters by doing things by yourself and for yourself (as if you were already single) to see how you feel doing them - nothing like an affair, or anything - it might prove to be a primer for divorce, or it might give you another perspective on being married.

Hi SueC..hope that you are ok..thinking of you and saying "hi"

Hello Sue,
I work with women all over the world who are thinking of divorce, during divorce and are divorced. I'm glad both of you are going to counseling. Many times I see couples who don't understand their own as well as their spouse's communication style and what also fills each other's love tank. Having gone through divorce 12 years ago, I always recommend to try and work it out with all available resources first.