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#141859 - 02/11/08 02:20 AM Don't know what to do
SueC Offline


Registered: 10/19/07
Posts: 3
How do you know when you're ready for a divorce? My husband & I have been married for 19 years & things have been bad for maybe the last 7 - he has anger issues/control issues/communication issues & no interest in sex. It's gotten progressively worse & back in the spring I told him things had to change - that I couldn't take living like that any more, where every one was walking on eggshells to keep him from blowing up. He brought up divorce, but I thought after all this time we should try to work it out. By November I decided I'd had enough & when I told him I was moving out all of a sudden he decided he was ready to go to a counselor. We're going, but I feel like at this point it's too little too late. I moved out in November but haven't taken any steps toward actually getting a divorce. I just don't know what to do -I'm much happier/less tense on my own, but I feel bad because I don't really feel anything for him at all (except angry & annoyed), and I feel like after all those years together I can't have just stopped loving him. So how do you know if it's possible to get those feelings back or if a point comes when it's just too late?

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#141860 - 02/11/08 05:51 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: SueC]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
SueC...I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this...but, join the club. Do you have any children?
The best person, in my opinion, to ask this question to is Hannelore. Tell me if I'm wrong, Hannelore, but didn't you feel like SueC at one time? And you did leave and it woke your husband up.
We all can't be success stories like Hannelore and others.
My heart goes out to you on this...has he gotten physically abusive with you when he gets angry? Has he cheated?
I divorced because I did not want to live the rest of my life walking on egg shells and waiting for the next bomb to drop. It just wasn't worth it.
I'm sure you loved him but love can die or be beaten down so much that it cannot recover. There's no shame in moving away from this kind of abusiveness and I support you for having the strength and good sense to get out of loveless and abusive situation. You're a woman...not a dog. You deserve respect and nurturing and love. It took me many years, most of my life really, to love myself enough to allow myself to have a decent man in my life...I guess I didn't think I was worth it and settled. That never ends well. Did you settle when you married? Were there red flags beforehand? Did his behavior change over time or was it always there?
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#141861 - 02/11/08 08:08 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Dee]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Dee is right, Sue. Not too long ago I was asking myself the same questions. All my complaining and bickering never changed anything. Then after a fight, I just packed an overnight bag and left.
My husband was floored. He didn’t think I had it in me.

We reconciled, and went to counselling. Believe me, our marriage still isn’t perfect, no way. But Hubby is trying, and when I see him try it makes me love him more because I know it isn’t easy for him. I thought I didn’t love him anymore either, but I do. It was there all along, I was just disappointed in how things were developing.

I suggest you take a time out. Show him you mean business. You have children, though, right? Oh dear,…that makes it harder. Is it possible for you to take the kids on a vacation? Just you and the children? Leave him alone for a weekend, so he will get a taste of the alternative life. That might be all you need.

My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is.

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#141863 - 02/16/08 05:52 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
Q_ball Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 201
Loc: Ozarks
Beware when you get back, HIS mind: You've had your break and should be ready to get back to business as usual with new found "energy, happiness etc..." from a few days out. I find when I go away for a weekend, I hate the drive back home,the closer I get the more stressed out I get and feel the urge to just keep on driving VS going back to the SOS. With my DH it's 'Oh boy" special dinner for leaving me alone to eat canned soup, bed's made again, HIS TV cause i got to watch what i wanted for a night or two away!!! the list goes on, but you get the drift. We are supposed to come home refreshed & maybe we do, I do, but the refreshment fades fast when home life tosses Poop on it. Do Not get me wrong, I love my husband with all my heart..He's done so many wonderful things for our family in the past. I know the old him is still in there should the occassion arise that he needed to emerge from his current lazy self centered state. I just can't stand the man he's evolved into as he's aged. I'm speeding up and he's slowing down and becoming more like my DAD! Bossy, attempts control, has to know every move (within & outside the home I make)..at least he 'thinks he knows',,LOL drinks too much, watches TV too loud, falls asleep early, sleeps late, boasts for reasons that he has no right to, gotten generally sloppy & seldom keeps his word or schedule/plans. So, I go on about my life as if what he tells me is going to happen probably won't. Yet, I took a vow for life & it's not the 1st time my determined nature has backfired, but I will not give up on my marriage. We have good times sparce as they are, it's enough to overlook the jagged edges. with things like *Like roasting marshmallows in the fire place on Valentine day-OK so I had to get the marshmallows but he fell into the spirit of the fun for me** Plus with our assests, we both have too much to loose & we do share a goal of holding onto our property (location) for our sons. Big as it is, there's not room for us to be on it seperatly together. So, I try to focus on his best qualities and live with the bad.
_________________________
Q~Ball aka Q~Ball101

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#141865 - 02/16/08 08:53 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Q-ball...sounds sad to me.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#141866 - 02/17/08 12:21 AM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Dee]
Q_ball Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 201
Loc: Ozarks
Dee, I'm not sad, haven't been sad since my mom passed away. I am simply very dissapointed, frustrated, regretful at mistakes I didn't stop him from making, and angry. In due time something will change for some reason. I'm not going to QUIT. He's never raised a hand to me and can be a sweetheart when he wants. The rest is mind games & finances. I can deal with that and be quite happy inspite of it. I've got a LOT to be happy about too. OK Enough on me, I was just responding to Sue, we should get back to her issues.
Thanks for Caring Dee, even you sweet smiling pic gives me comfort Sweetie, QBall
_________________________
Q~Ball aka Q~Ball101

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#141867 - 02/17/08 02:59 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: Q_ball]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
If there's a perfect person in the world, I haven't seen him yet. One guy drinks. Another does drugs. Another runs around. Another chases women. Another beats everyone within a hundred foot radius into a pulp. Another plays mind games.
Another gripes about money or too much shopping. Another cross-dresses. Another abuses kids and animals. No wonder the rate of successful marriage is at or lower than 50%. Good grief!


Edited by jabber (02/17/08 03:00 PM)

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#141868 - 02/18/08 10:58 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: jabber]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
AMEN to that Jabber!!!!!!
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#141870 - 02/19/08 09:29 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: ]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Guess true love overrides faults! I don't know. I went through a divorce and it about killed me. I've been married to hubby #2 for over a quarter century and still think about hubby #1 on occasion. Divorce rots. Some marriages are no fun. Of course, we females have faults, too. I've said it before and I'll say it again: being human isn't easy!!! LOL...

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#141871 - 02/19/08 11:44 PM Re: Don't know what to do [Re: jabber]
Q_ball Offline
Member

Registered: 03/03/07
Posts: 201
Loc: Ozarks
I think the real difference in M/F is, women are more apt to admit their faults and for some reason we actually try to fix our faults. Men just assume the position of perfection or express oh boo-hoo is me when they have to admit one. AND we sometimes get caught up in actually trying to console them! Some times NOT, that when the look on their faces is priceless...LOL
MY DH was visiably looped last night. He admited it, I laughed at him, he apologized and I told him to save it for himself in the morning. Naturally by not getting angry he said I didn't care about him. I still laughed and told him he was a funny little drunk (even at 6-4), fed him and tossed his butt in bed. Had a nice quiet evening out of it anyhow.
_________________________
Q~Ball aka Q~Ball101

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