Today we picked up Anaiya after she spent a week with her Mom in Switzerland. For those who don’t know, Anaiya is our 2 year old granddaughter who we are taking care of, all together for a year and a half. while her mother is training for the Olympics.

Although I may have appeared on the forum as more than a willing and ready grandmother to take care of precious Anaiya, I also had my doubts. My doubts as to what this will do to the baby. I love her more than I can say, but this isn’t about me. It’s about what is good for the child.

Anaiya spent an intensive week with her mother, living in one room, sleeping in one bed, their bonding was as strong as ever. When we picked her up, she was all smiles and happy, but then in the car, her little heart broke in two. “Mommy mommy”, she sobbed almost non stop for two hours. We couldn’t distract her or comfort her, she was a little bundle of grief that was so heartbreaking, I have to hold back tears while writing this.

While her mother lived in the States, I think Anaiya didn’t miss her Mom, and just accepted us as being her parents. Now the mother sweeps in over the weekends, loves and cuddles her daughter to pieces, and then suddenly disappears out of her life. This can’t be good. Anaiya isn’t a doll to just cast away.

I would love to tell my DIL, either you stop your sports and act like a responsible caring mother, or you stop visiting your daughter and breaking her heart every weekend.

What I’m afraid may happen is that my DIL will say, she’ll take her daughter with her to training camp. That means our sweet Anaiya will be pushed from one care taker to another while her Mom is travelling all around the world chasing that stupid ball. That is not good for Anaiya either.

What should I do? Not only does it upset me, but this is a huge trial for my son’s marriage. What father would be happy with such a situation? I don’t know of any. He hasn't been able to convince his wife to quit and just be there for the family, so I don't think my chances are good either.

I’m venting, and I’m asking for advice as to what I should do. Three different doctors have told us that Anaiya could carry strong psychological problems from being torn from her mother again and again. I have told my DIL this, but she doesn’t believe me. She thinks Anaiya is too young to realize what is happening.

Would you agree with me? How would you handle the situation?

Hannelore, I sense your strong concern through this post. While I don't have the answer, I do think you should do nothing for a couple days. I also think that when you choose to address this, it should be done without Anaiya's presence, and with your son, hubby and DIL all present. This way, it will not come across as you asking or telling them what to do. It will be a discussion about what is best for your granddaughter. You won't come across as preachy and pointing the finger, which is important for everyone involved.

Give Anaiya a great big hug from Aunt Dotsie. I give yourself one too!

Hannelore
I cared for a little boy from 10 months till 2 years.He was dropped off in the morning and collected after his Mother finished teaching.It was an informal arrangement.Some evenings it was me he cried for..
They moved to Harvard had another child.
I missed N..
They came back after the man finished his studies.
By that time he was school age.
I was part of his life..saw his first teeth his first steps.My two children gained from the relationship.
N. and I would make fishing rods...little woooden boats and launch them.
N. is now a doctor in Australia.Heis hobby is sailing and fly tying..
They take your nurturing and no one can ever remove that.
In your case being family it will be different.
When the parents in my case seperated N. was a young adult..he and I had deep conversations..he could not talk to anyone else.The bond is there.I played a little part in his life.. He will always be special.The trust he had..Boo hoo I have a tear.
You have had a golden time...I wish the little one the best.
Keep the golden ties.
MA

These are her most important years, her formative years, so the decision does matter.

If you feel you can give Anaiya a solid foundation, don't hesitate a minute to take it on. The rewards would be many.
What she is getting from her mom may be more of the weekend-X care, you know the parent who takes a child to Disneyland, doles out all the fun. In no way am I implying that your DIL does not love Anaiya in the fullest mommy capacity and is not treating her by way of that love. It's more to make a comparison between a disciplinarian and a fun-giver.

While focusing on the ball, Anaiya's mom may be juggling what comes first - child vs. Olympics. Pursuing the Olympics might bring big rewards which could be beneficial for the family in the long run. At the same time, it could break the family apart.

I can feel your frustration. If something like this were to happen in my family, I'd think of the grandchild before myself... and that would be so hard. I'd have to put myself in a position of being a parent again. I think I'd have the feeling of being used and feel I'd be repeating a job I'd already finished. That would be hard for me, really hard. When you love a little being so much, though, you have to put that consideration into place. It's not their fault things are as they are. They need an advocate for their wellbeing. You have wisdom that your DIL doesn't.

BTW, what does your son think of all this?

Dotsie has a good idea. Get all your thoughts on paper, give it a day, reread them, re-evaluate the situation, then have a family meeting.

I would be interested in knowing how your son feels. Where is he during this? Could he be with Anaiya and work? I'm asking because I am not sure I read about him in this although you may have already provided that info.

I have always felt that Anaiya belongs with her mother, but then again Hannelore, I've never been involved with the Olympic dream, have I? So how can I judge the DIL? I cannot.

I will say this, in my humble opinion, there is only one question that needs to be addressed and that question is:

What is best for Anaiya? Not the Mommy...not the Olympics...but Anaiya.

Obviously the parents need to make the final decisions concerning Anaiya's care during Olympic-chasing dream. No doubt Hannelore, you will express well and carefully what..a grandmother would. The question would be AFTER the Olypmics, would things be for Anaiya reunited with her parents? Ok, the Olympics are this Jul./Aug.? Then the discussion and problem-solving could be focused on a temporary situation vs. after the Olympics.


Where is your son in all this? Could he also look after the child solo or presumably he has a full-time job? Important that the child is with one of the parents -from a long-term perspective.

The Olympics do not happen often and one can only participate within a narrow window of a person's life,..ie. peak of their physical performance...so it's not surprising your DIL seems very driven and high focused.

My son is deeply disappointed in his wife. The conflict he is facing is the fact that he doesn’t want to have to tell his wife; … quit and come home. He wants it to come from her. And as long as it isn’t coming from her, he seems to withdraw from the situation and is extremely bitter about it. This is not the way he wants his family life to be. On
the other hand, he doesn’t want his wife to ever accuse him of ruining her Olympic dream, so he’s at a stalemate. He is also aware that if they split, then he will lose his daughter, and since he loves his child above everything else, he will stay in the marriage for her sake.

Oh brother. This is exhausting me. You are so right, JJ when you say the only question here is what is good for Anaiya.

And that I don’t know. Is it worse for her to see her mother, and cry for her afterwards…or would it be better if she didn’t see her mother till September? I don’t know. All I know is she seems happier when there aren’t so many good-byes.

Dotsie and Gims, I read your post too late. I had the talk with my DIL, and told her exactly how I feel. You know what the answer was? Anaiya is only two. Can you remember what happened to you when you were 2?
Oh please.

MA, giving up the golden time for Anaiya on my part is not the question. I only want the best for her, which is Anaiya being with her mother. But if the mother isn’t willing, then what?

At two so much has already been absorbed..its how they learn..does your DIL not realise this?
My heart goes out to your son and you two of course.
MA

Your son is wise, Hannelore. If she did come home to be a mother and wife, the effects of leaving her dream, could ultimately (most likely) affect Anaiya, anyway. DIL yearnings could bring something worse to your granddaughter's life... worse than your DIL not being a present mom.

I know I have no "real" input as I am not a mother, but from a daughter's point of view...and having LOST my mother at a young age (18 is young enough!) Anaiya's situation sounds very similar. Like a mommy "dying" over and over. It is very traumatic, I'd say, and will carry on for years. Her mother is playing "bouncy, bouncy" on her. She does not give a hoot about her rearing. And, how does SHE know it will not effect her? Did HER mother do the same EXACT thing to her? Has SHE walked in Anaiya's shoes??

She is a wife first, then a mother. The other things, Olympic stuff, really should be secondary, in my opinion. Your DIL is VERY selfish and wants it ALL. But when a child comes along, I hear the selfishness stops! (is that right, mothers?)

What does your husband think? Also, all the things I've read about when a situation arises regarding an in-law, allow your son to handle it. And, if he is not man enough (sorry to say that but it's how I see it) to be THE man in the household, the family unit will continue to suffer.

He married an equal rights kinda gal it seems. He'll have difficulty later on.

You never did say where your son is? Does he live near you? How often does he see this child??

In addition, I'd say if the mother wants to take her to camp, she Anaiya should go. Then she CAN do the mothering she thinks is best. If she goes from caregiver to caregiver, at least, maybe, your DIL can see her more often.

My son lives a good hour drive away. He sees his daughter almost every weekend,( he stays at our house, for Anaiya's sake, instead of taking her home with him.) But his job requires travelling throughout Europe, so sometimes he can't make it. So far Anaiya doesn't get upset when my son leaves. But when her mother leaves it's just terrible.

I'm torn between Gims and Di's post. At first I had the same opinion like you Gims. But this so precious time, and how fast a child develops, is being missed by her parents. And then I ask myself repeatedly, like Di, What kind of mother can do that? I wouldn’t have done it for all the medals and money in the world.

Oh yes, Orchid,…I wonder too what will happen after the Olympics.

I have a nephew - my baby sister's son. My sister married a foreigner, one of the situations where he just wanted a green card. When he got what he wanted, and after beating her horribly, they divorced.
My sister became a single mom, with no education. She relied on my mom and dad to care for my nephew. At times, my sister was totally out of the picture for long lengths of time. My nephew loved my parents (his grands) and vice versa. AND he loved his mom - very much!!! The distances and the periods of separation didn't harm him. He had a stable home, a stable schedule, and caring substitute parents. My nephew (now in his twenties) and his mom are unbelievable close to this day.

This is food for thought. NOT a means of telling you what to do. I'm sure it could have gone the other way, given my parents fought, instead of accepted, the responsibility.

One more note: if Ana stayed with you, wouldn't it be just until the Olympics were over? Could periods of a week or two be carved out of DIL's training days? I hear Orchid so clearly about DIL using her window of health.
It saddens me that any of you have to make such choices over a sweet, literally helpless soul.
Can I have her? I have good references.

Hannelore, I've been there, exactly there.
I had one job, my career, singing and dancing and touring half of the year. I could not give up my career because my son and I needed the money I made. It was a lot of money and no one wanted me to give it up but I knew it was not healthy for my son to lose me to tour as much as I was.

I made the decision to only play the major cities of this country and in Europe and either take my son with a nanny or leave him with his father if I was to be gone a short time.

I had full custody of my son. His father spent a lot of time with him and was good that way but I wanted to be with my son. So, I hired a nanny but she only cared for him during actual rehearsals or performances. I would come from the gig and take my son into my hotel room so when he woke up I would be there. I traveled with my son to the next gig and stayed with him except for the next rehearsal, if there was one, and then came back to him until I performed.

I turned down interviews that would have made my fame rise so he could have a life and have me in it. I knew that I could sing and dance later but he only had one chance to be a baby and a toddler and a little boy. He knows that I sacrificed my career a bit for him because he wrote it in a paper once, I didn't think he knew.

His father might have told him.

She needs to be told before it's too late! I know how hard this is but I'm here to say that I had one child and kept working myself, alone, and another child, my second son whom I took with me and raised myself and my second son did better with me around! It just
has
to
be!
She must sacrafice and be told what can happen if she is not there to raise her son! With me, my first son was not raised by his father all that time well. I still had him a lot but his father had him more often and I should have been there. We are now fixing that together, he and I.

She must be told. NO ONE is more important than your child and you will REGRET it when your youth is behind you and you have no one but yourself to be close too!

It's SO tempting, the press, the lights, the cameras! I am so glad I saw it and changed what I was doing, I had a shrink tell me to put my baby on my hip and go WITH him!

I stopped touring except in the summer when they went to school. It just had to be.

Do you see, Hannelore? No one is more important than your child, not even fame.

Tell her what I said, I was there.

dancer

P.S. How do you pronounce the name?
Dancer

Wow, this is a tough one. This will be over by September, Hannelore? My first inclination would be for you to keep the baby and let her mom have her dream.

If you can all look at the positive aspects:

- Anaiya has your family; a very strong and stable presence in her life.

- How many opportunities do we get to really live our dreams, like her mother is doing?

- How would her mother feel if she gave it up and came home? I imagine resentful. She most likely feels very guilty right now, whether she displays it or not.

- Can you look at it as an opportunity to spend these very special years with your grandchild, forming a strong permanent bond?

- Can her husband understand how special this time is for his wife? If he had an olympic dream (or other passion that he wanted to go for), would the shoe be on the other foot?

I would imagine Anaiya can hear and sense the disruption in the family. Maybe if you and your son got on the same page to support your DIL through this special time, everyone will all be happier at the end. Kids are very resilient - she has you there consistently, and her mom and dad on some weekends, and she'll understand and be very proud of her mom in the years to come.... unless this breaks every one apart and loses the special meaning of having dreams come true.

I think you all need to look at the positive aspects of this adventure, and try to share the excitement with Anyaia. Kids of her age understand a lot more than we give them credit for.

Kathy

If she is an Olympic contender, then maybe the nanny is the way to go..
Dancer

I just read the part about your son's job. Sounds like he's not around much either. Why is he allowed to do his traveling for his job, and the mom is not allowed to do her traveling for her dream? Sounds like neither of them are able to be a full time parent right now. I think Anyaia needs you, and the more positive you can be through all of this, the better for everyone.

Despite her absences from the home because of what she does, your DIL must be a great Mom, Hannelore. It shows in the way Anaiya bonds with her in the short time they have together and how she is affected by separation therafter. What is also clear is that your concern shows love surrounds the little one in your home. I second Kathy and would suggest to look at the positive outcomes such as Gims' nephew's. It may well be that the circumstances follow in the same way. Surrounded by love, children bounce back. For the moment, until the Olympics is over, just be there for all three. As you have been all this time.

Anaiya is still sleeping, so I can steal away to visit with my friends. As usual you haven’t let me down, and filled me with valuable and thoughtful advice. I just love you gals so much for that.

Dancer, maybe if my DIL had a nanny with her from the start…maybe that would have been the best solution. But now in the middle of it, we would be disrupting Anaiya’s life again, because she would be more with the Nanny then with her mother. Another thing; my DIL sleeps in training camps. They are like dormitories, and I don’t know if that is so ideal; Maybe a week or month, but not for a year and a half.
Her name is pronounced; a-nye-a ( soft a’s)

Lola, you are right. My DIL is a wonderful mother. She has a radiance about her with her child, which is all encompassing. There is a strong bond between the two. It’s hard for me to understand my DIL’s feelings and her actions. They are at different poles.

I just thought I must be confusing you all terribly. First I post a big t-shirt fan thing for my DIL( ra ra ra)…and now I’m getting down on her. One day yahoo, and the other day phooey. It’s driving me a little nutty, but you gals are bringing me back on the track.

As usual, I’ll probably just roll with the tide. I’ve told my DIL what I think, and now it’s up to her if she wants to change anything.

Meanwhile Hubby and I love doing our best to bridge the time without her mommy. And the comforting thing is, I know Anaiya feels our love for her as well. You have all given me alot of food for thought. Thank you, thanky you, thank you.

Nope, you have not confused me at all, Hannelore. It's a natural thing to sometimes be on opposite poles with our children and their spouses when it comes to our grandchildren. Fret not! You're doing fine and Nye is very lucky to have you. As MIL's and mothers, we are the safety nets for the grandchildren when occasions call for it. I'm sure Nye appreciates where you're coming from and I am likewise certain that she is grateful for your support. In the meantime, we cheer for her and her team. How are the tees coming along?

Hannelore, I'm just waking up and reading this entire posting. My heart goes this way and that with every post. They ALL give such good thoughts and advice. But I'm stuck on Kathy's advice. That's where my heart settled....such good points. It's a tough situation in all scenarios. But the baby's stability seems so much better right where she's at. My heart feels for you on all accounts. Not easy...but by September will it not all be worth it? Then it's entirely up to your son and DIL to put the pieces back together on their own. Thinking of you, dear Hannelore!

LADIEJANE....snapp how i fell exactlie, the pros and cons of the situasion are wild.

...GIMS SUMED IT UP...While focusing on the ball, Anaiya's mom may be juggling what comes first - child vs. Olympics. Pursuing the Olympics might bring big rewards which could be beneficial for the family in the long run. At the same time, it could break the family apart.....sadlie the realitie.

SOOOOO what can be done not to let the familie brake apart....hold it together for a bit somehow anyway that ya can...

I know the helplessness you feel having a little one cry for a situasion that we as adults can do nuthing about, at end of day its not our call or is not in our power to change it....the powerless, helplessness, frustrasion and pain horrendes when its our beloved kids that hurt....
I like your sons take on the situasion, she would more than liklie (unless she an angel) resent what brought her back and missing this small window of chance she has....i would agree and admire his control and willingness to let his wife do as she is, he's wise in manie ways....it would have to be "her" say that she come home and miss the olimpics...

iv loads to say on this topic and at the same time a big need to shut up, im sending you the biggest hugs i have...and treading carefullie as this is so emotive and important...to all concerned

the wee one is setting dowen patterns that will (could) turne into bluprints for the rest of her life, that love or securitie from her mum (generalised as all people) could be transient and always vanish....if could be a blueprint that follows into adulthood relashionship dynamics.... (oh bugger this can't be easie for her mum either,) i bet theirs a wh9ole load of greef and guilt on her part ....and the dailie ritual and growth of her kid, once come and gone will be lost forever to her mum....i don't know if this effects the kids, Who rembers thier first steap? or its the parent that misses so much and can never have that time back....but dailie patterns are more importnt for the kid..

she will miss the mum the inituale time of sepearation will be horrible for her, the blueprints above MIGHT become a relashionship pattern....BUT THEN again maybee NOT, maybee not..

in manie ways you are powerless over the Dl and what patterns Ayna develops. This is a complex situasion of juggling the needs of mums and children, both are people both have humane writtes...its less hard with the son as the contact is more regulare and frequint, its predictible and regulare its not the same as the mums type of contact...Id call a man for being outa line with parenting as quick as a flash however it is a bit diffrent (regularitie, freqincie, predictabilitie)and i do hate (and love) to say this parenting is parenting but the relashionship between mums dads and kids is differnt....tradisionalie and often in practices...as i say i love and hate this fact at same time.

trying to think be back in moment...

....you know what wee tips i do i talk with l often about my parner in a nice way, try to encourage video link ups via internet, its diffrent wen you the kid can see the parnet...ok no stimulating conversasion but it brings a feeling of closness into their relashionship and at 2 she little understanding of words...maybee try see how she reacts to this, seeing her on computer, dose it help, maybee try and see....

have a special calender for her mark dadie days heer dadie days gone, ...she make a link to the pattern of routine and the calender has some concept of time in a visule way that will help her, do the same but diffrent couler markes of days for the mum arriving...hopefullie she will generilise that dad arrives heer mum arrives there, counting dowen days visulie will have her give her a time frame and ALSO AN ASSURANCES that mum will arrive....

kids can tolirate separation allthough painfull for them, securitie and the need not to feel like their abandoned is so so so important, maybee dailie contact aint necasarie as much as securitie is necasarie and the knowlafge, (making a 2 yr old understand tough) that the parent WILL return...after a period of seperasion might help steam the risk of abandonment creeping into the blue print of relashionship dynamics.....

positivlie and what is within your control is that the kid needs to feel secure that it is loved cared for and is safe, YOU ALREADIE DO THIS...keep doing it (i know ya will) in that way your saving and feeding the humain desireee to bond and need for secoritie, love, saftie etc that is so vital for her feel of saftie....that her survival is assured, no matter if mum is their or not....sometimes it matters less about WHO fills this role as long as it is filled.....

heer a quick example, my mum worked, i was nearlie abducted, it was interupted, my gran looked after me. After that event my mum stayed at home....for whatever reason and it may not be that she worked during my initiol bonding i didn't have a great bonding relashionship with my mum. I did with my gran, i don't rember the earlier yrs but i do rember that CONSISTENTLIE she (my gran) made me feel safe and loved wen i was a bit older(as an adult i understand this verie well).....sometimes it reallie dosen't matter who this sences or energie or feeling comes from just that it is present from someone....At the minuet your and your hubbie is being that "someone", the fears about the future harm as oposed to just the hurt of aynea might not come to fruition.

she will be hurt wen mum leaves but maybee not harmed in perment way...

its about all i can offer at the moment, dose knowlage help, try attactment theies, melanie beattie if i rember rightlie, try reading her then move on to others that link up in da search, reading and interpriting for yourself might help! it dose for me, then i get dizzie with all i re-read at lest it feels like i got a bit more control if i have knowlage....so the need never stops lol

everie onces and a while i get a big feeling that id love cofe and a face to face chatt and this is one of those times. youve reallie moved me and i am hopefull of the overall situasion as i have faith in you HL dear hart.

do all of what you can do to the best of your abilitie. Let go of the rest, try to quiten your fears of the future for your grandkid, take it in 24 hour chunks, and let god/the universe whatever your term be, take good care of the rest once we done what is humanlie possible, the rest is unknowen and can't be predicted or accounted for....

ok i am away to buy birthday cake...
my thought be with you, untill the suger rush kiks in with da kids then it be all hands on deke...take care today, hope iv helped in some way.

Yes Celtic and Jane, I think this would be a hung jury. The arguments on either side are excellent, and I found myself agreeing with one side, then reading the other and agreeing with the other side. Oh brother, I’m like a flag in the wind.

I checked out some parenting internet sites as well, and asked them their opinion. The experts agreed unanimously that it's best for Anaiya if the mother didn’t always appear and disappear out of her little life. Instead, at the end of the time, they suggested her mother should stay with us a couple of weeks, get to know each other again, and then take her home with her.

But I don't think Nye, the mother, will be willing to do that. Sure, I can understand,...but like I told her, you can't have your cake and eat it too...not at the cost of your child.

I think my son is wise in not giving his wife an ultimatum. That would never work out. But it’s interesting to see what these athletes go through to reach their goals. We watch just a moment on TV, without having a clue what lies behind their hard work. I had no idea that the athletes train at least a year and a half for the Olympics. I see it with different eyes now.

Hannelore,
My birth mom abandoned me when I was 25 months old. Little people may not remember particulars, as your DIL claims. But from one that knows, when a person is very young, trauma can be difficult to overcome. Ana needs love, hugs and kisses and more love. I deeply respect and fondly recall those folks' that loved me when my biological family simply disappeared. My heart goes out to you and Anaiya.
Prayers and blessings...

Celtic dear, I think we posted at the same time.
Yes, this is a time where I would love to be face to face over a cup of coffee, sigh. But still, You have comforted me, and I do feel better. Yesterday I was at my wits end after two hours of Anaiya's non stop heart wrenching crying. This morning she asked for her mommy. She just listened quietly as I explained that mommy has to work. Then we packed her snoopy Kindergarten bag together, and all was forgotton.

I talked to a friend with a degree in early childcare, she had good ideas but did say that 2 to 3 was the most sensitive age for separation anxiety. She had ideas that would work, she said, any way,

_have the mother and grandma be together with the child so that the child knows it's okay to go to grandma when mommy is gone or even if mommy is there. It sets up a trust between the child and grandma that the mother shows approval of.Do things the three of you alone.
_get photo's of mom and if possible get a live video feed from two laptops so the little girl can see mommy often. A photo album is good, and pictures work well. Keep pictures everywhere so the image of mom is always seen.
_Tapes from mom so she can here the voice of her mother will give her something to hold onto while her mother is gone.
_ also, have a calendar where you mark off the days until she will see mom again. It helps her take part in her mother's return.

I know Celtic had some of these ideas and they are brilliant!

She did say that establishing a link between all three, grandmother, mom and daughter is very important. That way the little girl has "permission," to trust grandmother and go to her and she also had the idea that mom is part of it all.

she also said that there are a number of books about separation anxiety that you can get, and that it is a huge subject because two and three are the most sensitive ages for it.

It sounds like a bit of work, but it could work, what do you think?

Great instincts, Celtic! You are gem!

dancer

aye Hl its wen the wanes greet that our hart brakes pusing to our limites or wanting to kill them, (whomever has hurt them)

I also know your so proud of her at the same time, big conflicting emotions their. Your right we don't see or think of the kids or families that make sacrifices for athetes to do their stuff, i just though of it wen you mentioned it...and for women atheties that are mums its harder if kids involved. I wonder if DL could talk to othe athletic mums and find out how their kids worked out and anything they did that made it easier for the child. might learn from good stuff and mistakes that ultimatlie been made by others olimpic mums.

Iv struggled with some of thse issues too and felt lost overwhelmed and lonlie by them. I get conflicting advices, 3 4 5 diffrent directions till it makes my eyes crossed abd my head hurt...iv to go back to work, take longer off work, never let my parner see the child, move to wear my partner is, don't distrupt his world, end the relashionship, tell them whats what all in the name of whats fair or good for the child....trouble is often we have no control over much and people are talking from within their owen experinces and howd i know whats right or true or not...or even fair. Conflicting intrest a strange one, lets hop no one ends up swamped with regreat.

your bound to be pikled over it as well, you used the word flapping like a flag, nice imagerie. Just rember we are allowed not to know and often make do or make it up as we go along. I hope your mind settles and your hart gets less soar for the child. I don't want to turn into into a chat about what situasion i face but i can see certine similarities and when stuffes about our kids how much more presure and important it all is. Still we have limited control and don't know what or how things will turne out in life or within the child or between your son and DIL. again have faith, do the best you can and hope for the best. At lest your chatting to the wee one today telling her mums at work and loving her as you do it. She feel that love and that love can give her saftie and securitie untill her mums readie to go back to more traditional role.

Thank god she had you (child and mum). thank god you took on the role as you have. You are a great asseste and benifit to the mum, the child the situasion as a whole and you could be the saving grace in this all.

glade i could help in a wee way you have my hart and my prayers. good luck love.

thanks for the compliment and pat on the back dancer.

its nice to know my wee ideas and methods are running in parellle to someone theat dedicated a whole lot in child development, i onlie done 1 yr and the rest instinct and i could be wrong or way off in it all or doing hurt and damage in my own way. so as i say its nice to know im not too far off the track.
"That way the little girl has "permission," to trust grandmother and go to her and she also had the idea that mom is part of it all".DANCER QUOTE

This sounds exilent and like bridging the transitorie gap between two loving importnat female figures in childs life, going to one with mums blessing feels right dosen't it....great bit of insight.

its kind ya went and asked advice about this from someone who knows a bit, verie kind of you. At the lest HL got a load of ideas to chose from some practical info and hopefullie a stratigie to be moving forwad with.....and i hope HL you got idea of how important you are in this all and what a hugh diffrences for the better you make to the situasion and for the child.

Hannelore, you and I discussed this on the phone, and I so feel for you taking on this responsibility. I understand also the reasoning behind it. The advice given above, especially what Dancer posted, all such good ideas. I would put then all in place and pray a lot that this all works out. Once the olympics is over your DIL needs to get her butt home and work as hard on her suffering marriage and motherhood as she has on her sport...

Celtic,
You are an excellent mother and after talking with my friend, I know you are a special mother! I congratulate you on being such a good mom and I know in the years to come it will pay you back in such lovely ways!
You are superb.

dancer9

Good morning my dear friends. Well, it’s morning here anyway.
I have some good news. Actually two good newsess (haha …new word.)

The first good news is Anaiya is her happy bubbly old self. She bounced around this morning singing “On the Good Ship Lollipop”, shaking her curls and trying to tap dance, which looks more like trying to kill ants.

The second good news is; we found a solution. That is my son found a solution. And the solution is similar to what Dancer suggested: The parents just come visit, but don’t take Anaiya from us, her room, bed and all her familiar surroundings. They will visit on weekends. It will become a rhythm, so she will know what to expect, and won’t be repeatedly disappointed. Also when Nye gets three weeks off, she will stay here with her daughter, instead of taking her with her to Muenich.

Your friend made some excellent points, Dancer. Thank you for asking her for me. That was really sweet of you.

Celtic, I thought of you and Po, and how you’re in a similar situation. Only You are always there for Lucien, and Anaiya had some abrupt change with the main person in her life. But now that won’t happen anymore.

Kathy questioned why is it tolerated that the son travels, and not tolerated that the mother fulfils her career? Wow, Kathy, you are truly emancipated. I guess I’m old fashioned. I think the mother belongs with the child, at least the first five years. Got to add, my son earns very well, so money isn’t the reason for Nye to continue her athletic career.

Oh yes Chatty… September will be the start of their new life and marriage. We all love Nye, so as long as that is there, there is hope.

Good morning Hannelore! We're waking up on the east coast here....(I guess I should speak for myself because it's only 4 A.M.!) It sounds like you have some definite plans now in how to handle all this and that must make you feel a bit more settled. I pray it all works for the best now and am so glad to know the little one won't be disrupted. I think that's the most important!

Hawo? Hawo Aunties? Oma says you are my Aunties all over da wuuuurld; just like angels.
I tink she wants to pway in da sandbox wiz everyone. Meee too! Meee too!
Here’s a big cake dough kiss for all my Aunties!
Sankyou for helping Oma and me. I wuv you!
Smooch smooch smooch

Anaiya, you are one precious and beautiful little girl! I'm so happy that you have the Oma that you do! We love you!
Auntie Jane from Maine
P.S. Tell Oma that the sandbox is ready anytime!

She is an angel..
one thing that came to me as I went about my business..
The situation where the woman died will have made your daughter in law emotional.That could have influenced Anaiya picking up what cannot be seen..The tone of what is being said..body language..
Happy things are improving
MA

She certainly looks happy. What beautiful eyes! thank God kids are so resilient.

Pretty Anaiya. Oma's lipstick next.

My gracious. She is precious and full of life beyond words.

Happy to hear you are getting somewhere. This is a great solution. I hope they appreciate the love you have for all of them.

I find it a true blessing that you can get so much wisdom by putting yourself out there. Had you not asked for help, you could have stayed very narrow-minded with your expectations. The responses to this have been beautiful. Everyone comes at solutions based on life experiences and boy do we have a mix. Love it.

Beautiful baby! I'm so happy you've found solutions! And what wonderful ideas the boomer came up with, too!
Blessings all around!!!

As I re-read my post, I also realize that this is the mother's one chance to be with her daughter during this formative time. Oh, what to do?? I think I still stand by my post above, because if the mother isn't allowed this opportunity, then she may not be the best stay-at-home mom, knowing that her chance at the Olympics is gone.

Oh Hannelore, you are so important in that child's life right now. I wish you all the best!!

Kathy

Kathy, it isn't an easy situation, but if I speak for myself; my child would be more important then anything else in this world. On the other hand, when children get older, like in the teenage years...there could be times when you say, "And I gave up my dreams for THIS?" And really regret that decision big time.

So it is a two way street. I really understand your point of view, and I think half the ladies here would agree with you. That's what I mean by a hung jury. When you ask young parents today, I think 99% would agree with going after your dreams. So you are with the times. I'm still back there with Leave it to Beaver.

Leave it to Beaver, Ozzie and Harriet - the happy families of the 50's. That's how I was raised, and I stayed home with my kids too, and worked out of the house. They are wonderful now (although I'm not out of the woods yet with a 16-yr old) but I do wonder how things would have been different, such as in a situation like yours.

I guess I feel that what's done is done, your DIL is on the way to being a champion, Anaiya has her loving grandma, so hang tough, smile a lot, and give her hugs from all of us on the forum. By the way, give yourself a hug from all of us too - we need them even as adults!!

following those suggestions my friend gave seems doable, doesn't it? Maybe even invest in two laptops with cameras so that they can have "face to face," interaction.

No, don't give up your dream, I didn't, just work within it to find a solution that works! I think it can be done!

I sure hope so!

Dancer

p.s. We must remember that the mother is working so hard that she is probably in tears daily from pain. Being a pro athlete and world class calls for super human commitment. We haveto respect her and respect her child. Be careful every step of the way and all can have their best.

I remember rehearsing to tears and the only thing that gave me strength was to talk to my little boys! It's a hard road to travel, and it's one with little down time!

Bless them both and grandmother too!

What a beautiful child! You are truly blessed and so is she! Best to all and to this lovly child!

dancer

Hannelore,
I'm so pleased my friend Tracy could help you! (Another boomer!) Please just ask if you have any more questions and I will ask her. I talk to her about everyday.

Bless you and your other two generations of gifted women!

dancer

Hennelore
you hit the nail on the head..you said what the women HERE would do.
Given that we are Boomers...me..I am '46 Boomer and what I say may be coloured by my era..others are younger..we may see things through different "windows"
MA

Hey, it might be that Anaiya becomes an athlete someday, and will fully understand then all the effort you three are putting into finding the best care for her now.
Maybe you or her father (or both) can take her to watch mom train at times.
And, you can keep a scrapbook (digital or hardcopy) of the parents visits for her to view while she's away from her mom and dad.
You know, when there's as much love in a family as yours, it works out. Keep the communication lines open.
And, give that little angel a big cuddle from and for auntie gims... what a doll!!!!! You are blessed, hannelore, so blessed.

Hannelore, My friend had one more suggestion, she said that if Mom sends a letter on a certain day of the week and establishes a routine with it, it will help too. Then the child can get involved in this as well. She said to have plenty of photo's of Mom around too.

You are an awesome grandmoter, if only I had a Mom that was able to be as supportive as you are being! Your DIL owes some of her success to you and I hope she knows how lucky she is! She is very occupied right now, I know, but later, I hope she knows what a gift you are!

dancer

Dancer, we have photos of Anaiya with her parents everywhere. There is a real lovey dovey photo of the three of them in her room, and we pray every night blessing Mommy and Daddy too.

MA, I think you may have something there about Anaiya sensing the tragic atmosphere at the training camp last week. Since the daughter is Nye’s roommate, she most likely witnessed some deep sorrow first hand.

Gims, this means we all have to hang around here till Anaiya becomes an athlete or not… I’m all for that.

I feel like I’m repeating myself here, hmmm, and I am.…But I got to thank you all for your very kind words. It isn’t hard being a good grandmother to Anaiya, or to any child. To rediscover the world through a child’s eyes is truly a blessing, which I never thought I would have the privilege of experiencing again. Like today, Hubby picked Anaiya up from kindergarten. She ran across the room, calling “Opa Opa” and hugged his legs with such joy. He was ready for the melting pot. If any of you should get a chance to do this, it’s true you do give up a lot, but you gain so much more.
(I mean that literally;…got to stop finishing off her deserts. )

I remember those left overs/extras when my children were little. fish fingers...blamange rice pudding sponge cakes..
MA

Hannelore, I didn't say anything earlier because everyone else was giving such great heartfelt advice and I don't have any experience to add.

However, I'm soooo happy that a solution has been found Anaiya is lucky to have such a loving Grandma

Hannelore, we can do it... what, that'd only be 20-25 years... I'll start eating more fruits and veggies tomorrow. Truthfully, my diet isn't so bad... it's my ability to deal with stressful situations that is wanting.

exilentb resolution seems like a win win situasion for parents and child and all the others involved.
Outta the big arraw of advice on offer a way forward was found and its sounds exilent, maybee even feels right if their is such a thingie or is that just my concinses lol.
i am so happie for you all and happie your son had suck a good insight and bringing stuff together.
Quite a familie their, that work at things wen its less than ideal or tough, that make comprimises, sacrifices but above all else gett to find a way forwared weer all needs are considered and accounted for....thats almost ideal in my book. Nuthings naturalie easie or ideal in this life (i think) so if evers theirs a stratigie or attitude to have or make the best srta choices i think your lot are managing that reallie well.
text book
delightfull.

god din't you do a good job with your owen son and you all gotta have a good solid foundasion between all your relashionships and between the others relashionships with each other for this to work, to be pulled off so far
And great communicasion

now im gonna have a good day, knowing the bit of good resolusion and way forwardes been found.


cheers made my day so far.

cathie id also agree that the mums needs are important (outside what are her mother duties)and what a short window of oppertunitie she has. If she was made to stop doing what she is doing thats one big bit of oppertunitie for so much future oppertunitie and resentments. One would have to be nearly an angel not to feel this in a negative way.

It be great if more real life situasion were resolved with all adults feelings (mums and dads) being taken into account and held as important in relation to child care.
even if mums do it better (thats just my biase)

Hannelore, my last living grandparent died when I was three-years old. So I pretty much grew up without grandparents. It wasn't until I met my husband and learned about his relationship with his paternal grandmother that I found out what I was missing.

Ross grew up with the love of both parents, he never doubted that, but their relationships were rather rocky. Parents divorced when he was young which meant he spent his childhood bouncing from parent to parent, and step-parent to step-parent with step-sisters and step-brothers, etc. Mom remarried and divorced. Dad did the same, then had several live-in girlfriends. There were many moves, he had many childhood homes, but all the while he had one constant, and that was his grandmother.

The two of them must have been soul buddies. She meant the world to him and Ross was her world. It was an extremely powerful relationship due to the all the comings and goings of his parents. I will not slight his parents because they were being the best parents they knew how to be. But Nana is the one who gave him stability.

I see that as your role (and your husband's) with Anaiya. It is a blessed role and one that no others can play for her. Embrace it. I know you do.

Hl your also right theirs similarities but it aint identical between the situasions.

bottom line is i am the mum, we both are parents however and my wee one can still be cared for wen the other parent dose the right type of stuff.

It would be wrong of me to say they aint important, but that means with their importances comes a bit of responcibilitie thats got to be upheld for the sake of l. L's advantige is the stabilitie in relashionship he's had with me which is still present, so its a bit easier on him.Like your situasion, stuff heer can be worked out to support this current circumstances that decress the likeliehood of any harm comming to l with the other parent being absent at this time. This way we both get to do what we want with our lives and l is still gonna be ok. Main point of my concerne.

Hannelore,
Without my grandfather, and I hardly ever talk about this, I would not have survived! I loved him like my parent and he was like my parents even though I had parents. My grandfather lived on the estate next door to ours and I spent so much time there that is was like my home. He was my parent in my heart and mind.

My parents, due to their choices in life, were not there for me. I was a "gifted child," and doing television at the age of 5. My parents did not watch me perform ONCE. They dropped me off and took off. My grandfather bought me my first pair of tights, my first microphone and would wear earphones and listen to his "shows," while I held and wailed into that microphone while dancing around his living room.

I learned most of what I knew from him and he was in his 70's so I was a "wise," little girl. He was everything to me and still is.

NEVER underestimate what a grandparent can do. Both my parents are alive and I STILL think, in times of stress of in case of decision, "What would Grandfather say?" I do it almost on every puzzlement in my life and he has been dead about 30 years!

I deeply loved/love him. I needed him and he was there at the ages you are there for your grandchild, and yes, I had parents. He was there through out my young life.

In the end, he left me a trust fund and cut out other grandchildren we were so close. ( I ended up making this my mothers as she needed care.)

Every day, almost, I 'talk," to him and feel his presense around me. He believed in some sort of afterlife and taught me this.

You are such a blessing to A. You are special, and you will see how special you are as you fret over her life my grandfather would fret over me. You will probably help her fulfil a great destiny. Older people around us and raising us, older than our parents, I mean, =) make a BIG difference in our view.

Again, Hannelore, I NEVER talk about this, but I wanted to share it with you.

Keep being yourself in this. You are doing, as my grandfather was doing as he fretted, Perfectly right!

Dancer

I’m so touched how you all still come to this thread and comment.

MA, today Anaiya ate everything up…no extras’s for me…geez. I’m hungry. LOL

Meredith, I never expected everyone to comment. Like you said…just about everything has been said and more. But thanks my friend and hugs.

Gims, you are so on top of it all here. It’s hard for me to imagine you not being able to deal with stressful situations. You know that saying about cobbler mend your own shoes? That applies for me as well. Whatever, I just bought myself multi-vitamins to take daily…so I’ll be able to see what comes of Anaiya. At this point, I would lay bets that she’ll have something to do with music. Dancer, would probably know.

Celtic, yes my son’s suggestion is one step in the right direction. You said such sweet things about our family. You know that saying, if there is harmony, someone has to be a saint? Well, we aren’t any exception to that rule. But not taking Anaiya away from her environment at every little whim, will help a lot. I just hope that when her parents leave Sundays, that the tears will soon dry.

In my real-estate business I’ve noticed an increasing interest of multiple generation families looking for two to three family homes or small living units in a private community. Most Russian immigrants know of no other way to live. Actually it is an ideal situation if everyone gets along. The elderly are taken care of as well as the children. Maybe this is the only real answer to being able to support working mothers. The whole family chips in a little bit. No more lonely grandparents, and no more neglected children. It really does sound ideal, don’t you think?

Dotsie, I hope we will always be present in Anaiya’s life. I think it was gim’s who suggested we do some support page for my DIL. That has been going through my head, and I’ll speak to my sons this weekend about it. It might be a huge boost for their marriage.

Dancer, how wonderful that you had such a loving caring grandfather.
Sounds like you described my husband. He’s that way with Anaiya. Between the six of us ( her parents, her uncle and aunt and us), she’s floating on a pink cloud of love.

Don’t want to always have such a long post, but I feel a need to “talk” to all of you.