Baby Grace's 2nd birthday party is Sunday. We were never asked to attend...just told "we are having cupcakes on Sunday".

DH phoned his DD and he was told her Mom will be there...so we cannot go. Then she feels badly, then her Dad, my DH, feels badly for asking.

If anyone is contemplating divorce, DON'T...if it involves kids. The future may hold a new step-parent, hence "issues".
It's just terrible. DH is always the one who gets jilted, uninvited. I feel so badly for him.

It's really my fault, though. I'd asked him if we should just pop over there (5 hrs away) but he said "We were not invited". I then proceeded to say that "when do you have to BE invited by your own kids?". But with divorce in the picture, I guess you do.

My parents were not divorced, so I just invite myself.

Anyway, thought I'd vent!

Each family is different, but in our family where my parents have 6 adult children...when all of us lived in the same city with our own homes (and I used to live in Toronto until 5 yrs. ago), my parent(s) and the adult child would call in advance to inform time /day we would be visiting one another.

Not all of us have copies of keys to my parents' homes nor do any of my parents have copies of keys to their adult children's homes. All of us have different personal schedules and activities. And my parents, though they are real homebodies, they too, go out shopping spontaneously, etc.

So we don't just "invite" ourselves nor assume the other party is immediately available.

THis has very little to do with stepparent-stepchildren /divorced parental situations. It is just good communication between parent(s) and adult children living in the same city... or 5 hrs. away.

When I owned my own home, at the beginning my parents asked for a copy of my home keys. I calmly refused. And they calmly realized how inappropriate it was... A line must drawn for the parent to appreciate their adult child's need for privacy and need to plan their own personal schedule. If something were to suddenly happen, there was a security guard in our building.

Hope you find another day without her mother in attendance, to spend time with his DD & baby.

Unconditional love to accommodate for unannounced visits by family members, is ok... but if done too often, it might viewed by abit insensitive or simply too needy for attention by visitor.

Are you more of a baby person, liking children when they are babies vs. when they are older / more uncontrolled?

The reason why I ask, have you considered being a Brownies or Girl Guide leader or Big Sister to mentor/lead for young girls? Since you already run a biz, consider partnering with local high school to work with teens to become entrpreneurs.

I admittedly don't feel the same need to be such a mentor...by default being the eldest in the family, I probably fill such a role (I know I already.. for anything bike-related!) already I've had to look after little ones..etc.

It sounds to me like 'we're having cupcakes..." was an invitation of sorts. Is there some reason you can't go with the ex being there as well? My husband and I have to be around his ex, but only during times that involved his grandchildren's birthday parties. We don't like having to be around her but we do it for the grandbabies sake. We act polite and civil but frankly are glad when it's over. I'm sure it's just as stressful for her.
My suggestion would be....GO...and be nice for the sake of baby Grace. Unless your husband and his ex threaten to throw down and have it out I see no reason why you can't put up with this for a couple of hours. Again, I'm not clued into their history so there may be good reason why you don't go. Or does his daughter not want both of them together for some reason?

Divorces are hard but not impossible if everyone is willing to give a little for the sake of the children/grandchildren.

Maybe Di's hubby just needs to try communicating with daughter next time...she says something so casually...perhaps for him to paraphrase her words and add "could we join in on the fun if it's just cupcakes?" This way, he repeats precisely what he hears from daughter so daughter has chance to clarify herself. but I have this feeling he already has tried several positive tactics.

Well, for a 2-yr. old child they are too young to sense politely stiff/stressful social events between 2 sets of divorced parents & new partners.

But the older the child(ren), the more they sense tension ..among adults... For a happy occasion like a birthday, if there is enough residual resentment from certain parties, I would prefer to keep children's birthday celebrations separate.

At this stage, I don't get the powerful impression that Di's stepdaughter's mother is receptive at all to Di. But Di needs to update us.

In our situation, it tends to be separate. ANd I usually am not there, when he is with his grandchild alone or other times brought to his ex plus her partner for 1 day visits . Where am I? 40 kms. away, running around trying to see 7 different other family members....my siblings + their children and parents. I only see them once a year or less.

If I have to make a priority in terms of visits, it has to be the parents who loved me from babyhood and who sacrificed a great deal for me --financially and their own personal dreams. They will not be around that much longer.


Got to set my priorities straight..

Is my partner bothered? Nope. He's thrilled to take spend hours with grandchild...only once a year....

All of this because we live 4,000 kms. away.