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#13819 - 04/10/04 07:23 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Betty-boop Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/04
Posts: 64
Loc: Utah
I've read all of the posts on this topic with great interest. I grew up in an alcoholic home and it wasn't just one person who had a problem, it was several. Not only did one parent drink and cause pain to the other, but uncles would come over and cousins and before long, things got ugly. I don't know first-hand what it's like for the person with the problem, only what it does to children who live with it.

The endless days and nights of wondering if it is your fault that the other members abuse alcohol. The endless fights and yelling and blaming. Standing in the closet with your siblings hoping and praying that what you hear in the other room won't come in to invade the 'safe' space you have sought out in the closet. You find yourself retreating into a different world. One that is happy and all the parents and relatives behave and you are never afraid of them.

I think this is why I really became a writer, I retreated into that world that I escaped to, found out that there are interesting people there who I could relate to in different ways. I brought them out and put them on paper and they entertained me and kept me company when those around me were occupied with their problem.

I commend everyone who realizes they have a problem and seeks help. It has been over thirty years and I still have flash-backs of incidents that I have tried to forget. Everyone should try to look into the faces of their loved ones and see that the problem spreads to everyone they care about. I pray for everyone who needs strenght to fight this terrible disease.

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#13820 - 04/10/04 11:45 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Chatty, thanks for sharing that story. I didn't think it would end that way. It gave me goose bumps.

Betty, sorry you had to endure those painful times in your childhood, but grateful you have chosen a different route. So often children of alcoholics follow suit.

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#13821 - 04/15/04 05:34 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, been thinking about you and praying for you. Been to any more Al-Anon meetings lately?

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#13822 - 04/18/04 10:31 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Hi Girly Girls.......my computer was down for several days so I was incommunicado...but it looks like I'm back up and running now.
Yes, I've been to a couple more Al Anon meetings. I actually like them. It's kind of interesting, the comments, I've heard.
My husband thinks they'll tell me "leave the bum" and my mother thinks that they'll tell me what to do and my mother in law thinks they'll counsel me on what I can do to help her son.
All wrong!
Amazingly enough, we don't talk about them (the drinker, user, spouse, whatever) - oh my gosh, for that hour or so, THEY don't get to be the focus of all our attention! Yayyy.
All they/we talk about is how to not let whatever that person, (be it spouse, child, relative or other close person) consume you and let their drama become your drama.
And that is one thing I felt like I really needed. Although I go on with my day-to-day jazz and I'm a very happy person all the time, I had this undercurrent of anger. Well I don't want to be angry all the time. I don't like it and there's plenty of things that can irritate me in any one day but I don't want to be angry when I wake up and then again when I come home.
The meetings are great at helping you become focused. No one can make good decisions when things are chaotic or even just unsettled. So it sort of helps restore the calm, in ME, so that I can make some sense of what I need to do. It's easy to get caught up in someone else's drama by trying to help when really, we can only step out of the way and let them learn their life lessons on their own. And in the meantime. ... I can walk the dog, or take a run, or do something artistic, or read, or give myself a manicure or go to the movies with a friend or chat on the phone, or garden or.....you get the idea. I can do anything I want to......to make MY life more beautiful.
So....that's all for now.

Kate

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#13823 - 04/18/04 05:19 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Kate.
So glad to hear that Al Anon is helping. You sound so much less stressed. Boomers were praying for you and I think we're on God's hot line.
Even though there may not be a complete solution, you have identified a part of the problem that can be addressed and and done something about it. Good for you!!
smile

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#13824 - 04/18/04 05:20 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
smilinize Offline
Member

Registered: 11/08/03
Posts: 3512
Loc: outer space
Kate.
So glad to hear that Al Anon is helping. You sound so much less stressed. Boomers were praying for you and I think we're on God's hot line.
Even though there may not be a complete solution, you have identified a part of the problem that can be addressed and and done something about it. Good for you!!
smile

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#13825 - 04/22/04 04:12 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Isn't it intersesting how everyone has a different take on what you are doing?

I'm glad you've discovered the "undercurrent of anger" and know you want to change that.

You keep working at making your life more beautiful for you because you are a beautiful person. Thanks for sharing. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. [Big Grin]

Keep spreading sunshine!

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#13826 - 06/08/04 11:01 AM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
A little sunshine.... I've been seeing a therapist for the last several weeks. I haven't posted in a while. I wasn't too sure what to say. My first meeting, she listened and she told me that I needed to do two things - get my husband into treatment (or get him out of here) and see an attorney to protect my interests. My husband was already checking into treatment on his own so I didn't need to do that. And the attorney...? Well, California is a community property state so it wouldn't really matter because he'd get half of everything anyway, so I opted not to do that.
So now, just about 30 days later, the therapist is having me work on my self-esteem, which is interesting because I thought I had plenty but I didn't realize that it travels over into territories like setting boundaries and how you take car of your own needs, so that has been very good for me. I never realized that I don't really set boundaries. I let things happen and then I get angry and shove back (not literally though).
My husband has been out of treatment for several days and there's been a transition that is nothing short of miraculous. He said htere was a wonderful, wonderful Lutheran counselor there who he really tapped in to and felt like he got a lot of help from. This is going to sound incredibly sappy but all this time, these last few years, one of my most consistent prayers was that God would restore him to the man I saw when he first got saved, just about 20 years ago.... but I never saw quite that . This time it seems like that's what I'm seeing. He's so calm, so settled, and happy. The atmosphere here has changed from guarded and slightly chaotic to happy, still chaotic but calm and settled.
I'll continue with the therapist and we're going to a class at our church which is a small recovery based couples thing. Scott went last week but we didn't know it was for couples so I'll go this week and see. But you know me, ever hopeful and grateful that God hears me. It's a faith builder.

Kate

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#13827 - 06/08/04 02:56 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Ahhh Dreamr...those ARE words of sunshine and I am so happy for you both. Please keep us posted on your progress and know that you have been missed here!

Hugs,

JJ

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#13828 - 06/08/04 08:04 PM Re: "Codependent No More", interesting reading
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dreamerkate, thanks for checking in and sharing the amazing news.

I'm so glad you are getting help for YOURSELF.

God answers prayers and I pray that this change in your husband is permanent. Is there a way for him to maintain contact with the Lutheran minister that he clicked with?

The icing on the cake is the desire for your husband to go to the meeting at church with you. That's a HUGE step. I'm praying you walk through the door of that meeting and he feels at home. [Wink]

I have an addicted youth that I pray for and my prayer is for him to find the Lord because I know that's what will make the difference he needs.

Keep on doing what you're doing.

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