Sues,
I agree, but remember you will feel differently on different days. My advice above was for when its all bad everyday, then exiting out is the best way. BUT that said, there was a lovely lady here wanting badly to get a divorce and she posted a long while back about it. She and I began a dialogue through PM's and emails and after some excruciating truths, in heart to heart talks, she decided that the grass was NOT greener on the other side, that her husband compared to other husbands some of the women here were suffering with and even though hers was not always perfect, he didn't sound all that bad compared to the rest. He is not always perfect, but then who of us are? She stayed with her husband and they have shared some happy and memorable times. This is something that takes much thought and conversation if he will talk about it with you. NO one can change the things they don't realize make us crazy, at least give him a chance to change. I said it before and say it again, there are slim pickens out here in the world, men are slime for the most part and it isn't getting any better...Good luck!

Sues,
If you're looking for someone better, as Chat said, "Good men are hard to find. And the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence." Okay, perhaps she didn't say it like that but that was the implication I got. jj's link looks wonderful, should you decide to go that route. That MIL moving in thing, has me worried. Prayers and blessings no matter what you decide.

Sues, have you told him you'd prefer if he did something other than watch TV? If you want to resolve things, how about asking him to do specific activities during that TV watching time?

Thank you for your amazing insights. I know I'm going to take a lot of time to think about this. I think the bottom line question is "Do I want to stay with him for the next 20 years and live like I am or do I want something else?" I think my husband has pretty extreme emotions and can be somewhat depressed. I have asked him to consider taking medication because I think it would stablize his emotions. But he won't. He doesn't think he has any issues. We fight over and over about the same thing and yesterday as he was lecturing me yet again about something I said (I asked him if we should put a towel down on the floor of the laundry room floor because the kids were playing in the snow and coming in and out - and he said I was trying to control the situation yet again). So it's at the point where I just don't know how to act, how to be, to make him not be angry at me.
He does have many good points, but his constant badgering is taking a toll on me. I don't want to try anymore. I look forward to his "good days" and want to disappear on his "bad days." And if he wants to spend his time in front of the TV (I've mentioned this multiple times but he doesn't think he watches a lot of TV), then he can, but I'm not.
I came to a realization the other night. It was kind of a small thing, but he called me upstairs to tell me that I would absolutely love the movie he was watching. He spent a lot of the day in bed watching TV. It was "A good year" with Russell Crowe. Well yes I would love that movie as I lived in France for a year and love Province. But, when that movie came out, I told him I wanted to see it (and it was directed by one of his favorite directors), but he told me it was a "chick flick" and he wouldn't go. So I didn't go. Just then I thought, that is the last time I don't do something because he doesn't want to do it. He ended up watching it and really liked it, but when I wanted to see it, I was told "No." Stupid, but it made me realize that I can't let him stop me from doing even the smallest thing I want to do as long as it doesn't hurt him or my kids or cost a ton of money. Maybe once I go off and start doing things on my own, I'll be happier and he'll realize that I'm ready to live without him.

One more thing....I'm pretty independent and I think I'd be happy by myself (without a man). It's not that I'm looking for someone better. I just want to be happy and not have any regrets 10 years down the road.
Also, I've been to therapists over the years as he used to verbally abuse me. He doesn't do that anymore, because I won't put up with it. We also went to counseling together and he went separately as well.

Sue, It's always important that you have a life of your own away from the relationship. If the other person doesn't want to go somewhere, of course you go!

I have the sense that you are trying to control this man. You said:

So it's at the point where I just don't know how to act, how to be, to make him not be angry at me.

All you can do is put in boundaries for appropriate behavior. If he is angry with you, that is truly his issue. It's his anger. If you feel you are at fault, apologize and move on. If not, don't try to "fix" his anger. It's his. The more you try to fix him, the less responsibility he has to take for his own actions.

Also, women have a habit of using questions to tell their spouses what to do. It drives men nuts. You said:

I asked him if we should put a towel down on the floor of the laundry room floor because the kids were playing in the snow and coming in and out

I'm not sure why you asked him that at all. If you were caring for the laundry room, then put the towel down without asking. If not, it's his job. The question you asked will sound like a criticism to a man. Not to another woman necessarily, but definitely to a man. They hear us differently.

Boundaries are important in any relationship, particularly marriage. You've taught him how to treat you. So, if you don't want to be yelled at during a discussion, you get to state that boundary (when you are calm) and enforce it. For example, you might say, "It destresses me when you raise your voice when we have an argument. The next time it happens, I'll let you know that it is going on. If it continues, I will end the discussion by leaving the room."

Then do it.

....getting off of soap box and lugging it away....

Big Hugs, Sue! It's tough.

Casey you are so very wise.

Hi Sue, you certainly have a lot to think about. I picked the following from your post. Pardon the capitals, but I am using them to point something out: "We FIGHT over and over about the same thing and yesterday as he was LECTURING me yet again about something I said (I asked him if we should put a towel down on the floor of the laundry room floor because the kids were playing in the snow and coming in and out - and he said I was trying to CONTROL the situation yet again). So it's at the point where I just don't know how to act, how to be, to make him not be ANGRY at me.
He does have many good points, but his constant BADGERING." end quote. I look at some of those words and I think "verbal abuse/emotional abuse." If you don't know how to act, how to be, and you can't be your authentic self, then I am afraid abuse is still a part of the relationship. The words:" fight, lecturing, control, angry, badgering" are not nurturing relationship words. And you say "yet again" "over and over" which are key words to indicate a pattern of abuse. Sue, I am afraid that the counseling was ineffective and/or incomplete. Abuse is about power and control. You gave him power in the towel situation by asking him, he grabbed the power and controlled the situation by turning it BACK ON YOU as if YOU had a problem. You can't trust yourself as to how to act (you ask: should I do this? should I do that?) for fear of making him mad, and his unpredictable behavior makes him relationally untrustworthy. Trust is key for the foundation of relationship, and trust pertains to more than fidelity. The movie example is something you sound enlightened about, as if you had an "ah ha" moment. Yes, seize your opportunities for joy with or without him. The book by Patricia Evans "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" is excellent in explaining the covert and overt patterns of abuse, and there is a web site. I have discussed my marriage on this site, and I was blessed by the feedback, and able to make the right choice for me. I hope our discussions can help you as well. L, PL

Wow. You ladies are great! Thank you.
Casey, that one comment you made about putting it into the form of a question and him feeling like I'm criticizing him is probably very true with him. My husband is Latino and while all his cousins and brother married submissive women, he married a fairly aggressive American. I think he takes my comments as orders versus just "Why don't we." I'll have to try to remember that. But thank you for the advice, comments and book reco. Sue

Sues..just a thought..of course you can and should do things without your husband when he doesn´t want to do something. But, sometimes you might kinda want to do something with him..for a special reason..like maybe seeing that Russell Crowe film together..and it makes you tired and sad that he puts everything into little boxes (like "chick flick". I mean..actually..seriously..what IS a "chickflick"?.. Maybe you sort of hoped that you and your husband would "share" things together..to some extent. You mentioned that he spent almost the whole day in bed, watching TV.. hmmm....????

I am divorced after 32yrs of marriage and 5 kids. I divorced my husband in 2000. I am doing ok today. Two of my adult kids have had a rough time that probably started because of the divorce. I found this VERY difficult as I didn´t have this "safe place" (BWS forum) to go to then. Nobody warned me that my kids would have problems of the sort they had. My kids understood why I was divorcing their father..HOWEVER..today I can see that perhaps their rough time was necessary for them personally. My 2 kids are still in therapy..but we are processing together..and learning each in our way. I think the whole divorce thing was necessary for them..for me..maybe even for my former husband.

I am not expressing myself very well..but maybe you get the gist of what I am saying?