I have been with my husband for 21 years and married for almost 18. I'm thinking about divorce and would like to have a clear picture of what this would be like if I decide to go that route. I'm going to see a lawyer in the next two weeks to see what my "rights" are. We have two children, 10 & 13. Our relationship has always been up and down - never really stable. I think my husband might have some depression but he won't see anyone for it or take any medication. My biggest issue is "Do I want to spend the next 20 years with him?" The thought doesn't excite me. I'm 46 years old, am fairly independent and I love life. He prefers to watch TV. He's also extremely critical and I just don't think he likes me. We've gone to counseling several times, but nothing really changes. He spends half his time mad at me for something or another. So, for all of you who are divorced, what should I consider, expect, realize before I move forward?
Sue

sues,
I got divorced when my son was 13. Nobody wins in a divorce.
I met my lst husband in high school. We dated three years.
We were married 14 years. He found someone else; that's the only reason I divorced him. He ran around all the while we were married. But I loved him. The divorce took place in 1980. So, you can see how long ago it was. I still dream about him. And I guess I still love him, in some ways. My son is now grown and has a family of his own, naturally. But from age 13 to 21, that kid suffered. He loved his dad. And he lived with me. He did visit dad and stepmom, however. After he graduated from high school he joined the paratroopers, and came home a whole new person. My second husband has some of the personality traits you describe in your husband.
If you can't stand living with the guy, perhaps divorce is your only option. But I'll tell you straight, it's a hard road of roller coaster emotions. And your kids will have a difficult time, 10 and 13 are stressful ages, without a family breakup. What if you talk to him and tell him your plans? Tell him you're serious. Think it'd help? I don't know! But prayers and blessings, whatever you decide!!!
In those days, they had fault divorces and I got everything:
property, house and contents; the lawyer got the money. Nowadays most states have no fault divorces and everything is split 50/50. But even, if like me, you walk away with it all that doesn't help. Twenty-eight years later, the pain is still raw!

Having your mother-n-law move in with you will probably put an end to it if things are as you say.

Sue,
It's very difficult to look forward with someone you don't like and who belittles you. Bonnie is right, though, the kids ages are tough -- right at the beginning of teenage years.

With my 20-20 hindsight (LOL!), I would say to really take a look at yourself before you divorce. What do you need to learn from this marriage? Are their boundaries that you need to put into place that will serve you in whatever relationship you are in? Have you cleaned up your past issues? What are your contributions to the problems in the relationship?

I'm not meaning to criticize you in the least! As I said, I've been divorced a few times. Sometimes it's the only way to go. But what enabled me to get out of my patterns was to do the work that I'm suggesting to you. I did it after my last marriage and now am married to a wonderful man. I did start it before the marriage ended, and that's how I knew it had to end (he was an alcoholic). The kids suffered a bit (13 and 17), but in the end, they knew it was for the best.

Good luck!

Well - I was divorced from my first husband when my daughter was 9 yrs old. She suffered a lot from it - held a lot inside. He left me for another woman - one with 2 children - so I didn't really have a lot of input into the situation.

I will say that financially - divorce can be a disaster. It took me years to recover from it. Also - the person you are married to can turn into someone you never knew and uglier than you could ever imagine possible. Doesn't always happen like that - but be aware that it is a definite possibility - especially when you start talking about dividing up the resources and the money.

Just be sure you are in a good, stable monetary position before you enter into it - have a plan for yourself and for your kids.

Just wondering if you know what your kids think of your marriage. Do you do lots of bickering in front of them?

You are wise to come here and ask questions before acting on impulse.

And welcome to BWS!

I'm sure others will chime in.

This may not be the most popular opinion but if it were me and it has been, don't waste one more minute of your life with someone you don't love or even like much. Our time and youth is gone before we know it and I wasted years on a marriage that was bad. Now I am free but my youth is gone, wasted while waiting for what, I'm not sure... Don't wait, be happy!!! Understand one more thing, the pickens out here are slim at best, so learn to be happy with yourself before looking for a replacement...
Oh, and welcome to our sisterhood Sues...

I'm going to be a bit different here too. I agree totally with Chatty! Ditto to what she said!

I had a wonderful divorce. I mean that. When I got divorced, we were still friends so it was a bittersweet thing and we had seen so many friends fight it out that we were not going that way! We were respectful of one another and did not act like animals.

I think the secret to our wonderful divorce was honesty. I was completely, completely honest with him. I told him I wanted honesty from him and I beared up and took his honesty and listened. I learned all about his feelings, discussed them with him and he listened to mine. We had a one and a half year old son!

He was a bit in love with me but knew we were not exactly compatable. I knew that I could not be myself and happy with him at that time in my life. I told him that maybe another time and another place, who knows?

Like you, Sue, we did not have much in common. I was a professional dancer, he was a pro golfer. Those are very different lives. A dancer is a gypsy and a jazz master like myself is full of life and always ready to try new things in life. A dancer doesn't care if she drives and if she does, she may drive some kind of motorcycle like I did. A golfer drives a Lexus as he did, LOL. We just didn't match.

We loved out son completely too. We BOTH loved our son and had married to get pregnant. We promised to share him and never get petty and we did this in a church! We went to the church where we got married and told each other that we would never stoop to underhanded tactics and would love each other as friends NO MATTER WHAT. And we did. We still do.

Our son is 20, and I can call him tonight and borrow a cup of sugar! Sure, it hurt here and there when I remarried or when he would have a girlfriend, and we would compare lives and such, but we got together and TALKED at those times until we talked it out!

Strange, I know, but my parents had an excellent divorce as well. My fathers new wife would take my mother places from time to time and had complete compassion for her!

A divorce can be not so bad if you can RETURN to those feelings that made you get married and divorce from THOSE feelings, not the bad feelings you have now.

If he is not right for you, Chatty is right. Never make a mistake and stick with it. But try, just try, to do a divorce with the kid gloves on, it just might work for you too!

dancer, strange.

I never heard the words "wonderful" and "divorce" put together! I'm concerned for Sues that if her husband is cheap, cheap, cheap, then how will he pay the child support, even if court-ordered to do so? When a couple divorces, the finances of the woman decreases while for the men, the quality of life increases! Noone needs a full time critic. What we need is nurture.

Not too long ago, I stood before the same decision. Leaving my husband just for one night and two days showed my Hubby that I was serious, and that I would not continue to live with him under the present circumstances.

Marriage counselling, and him taking me seriously has improved our marriage. It’s not 100%...but then again what marriage is 100% perfect? I’m still with him. There are days when I just love him to pieces and there are days when I think, oh no, I can’t take this… but those negative days happen rarely and they aren’t as dramatic as they used to be.

So my suggestion is; don’t think divorce, … think separation. Even if it’s just a night, it may work wonders, like it did for me.

Wishing you the very best insight for the right decision.

Hannelore