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#13767 - 11/07/03 02:16 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Evie Offline
Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 791
Loc: Nipigon, Ontario Canada
Lil, honey, please don't take this the wrong way because it is not meant to be judgemental at all - just concerned - you really seem to have a lot on your plate these days to deal with, and it seems like an awful lot to deal with on your own - so, this advice was given to you in another post, but have you thought about going to someone for some counselling to help sort things out?

yup, I know, none of my business - just concerned, ok?

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#13768 - 11/07/03 05:39 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Aw, shucks, Evie... I opened my big mouth, so all comments are fair game (be gentle is all I ask). Yes, I've thought about it... can't afford much in the way of counseling, and the free stuff isn't worth much. Right now, I'm burying myself in the stuff that I do best... my writing, my prayers and meditations, taking care of myself and everybody else as best I can... Dale Carnegie wrote this fantastic book, which is not nearly as pobpular as _How to Win Friends & Influence People_, but it's much, much better... it's called _How to Stop Worrying and Start Living_. Essentially, Mr. Carnegie's advice is to let go of, and stop trying to control things, that are beyond your reach and control.

Instead, keep yourself too busy for worry to creep in. Do all that you can do, in the time you have to do it in. One day at a time, and all that. I have found that even the best counseling can't tell me what's right for me and my life. I'm the only one that can figure that out. So I'm going to figure that out by just living and making the most of what I need to accomplish.

A few things have fallen into place. My professor freind told me yesterday that he's still interested in using my poetry collection in his classes! So amazingly, my poetry book will well pretty well, even if it's only stuff I'm buying with my author's discount. I still get my profit by selling the book to his students.

Friday, 11/7, I am going to meet with the supervisor of my Vocational Rehabilitation counselor.... the supervisor from Hell rejected my business plan for being an author, after she demanded that I write it in the first place. I have to try to convince her to make exceptions for me and fund my self-publishing projects. Pleae send me prayers and good thoughts... I don't know what I am going to do if she still denies me.

And my former publisher, who promised me a refund for my dissatisfactions by the end of October, has still not sent me a check. I have sent her two reminders now. I could have one of my books in print almost immediately if she would only keep her promise to me....which would greatly improve my outlook on life.

Blessings,
Lil

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#13769 - 11/07/03 05:13 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Evie Offline
Member

Registered: 08/27/03
Posts: 791
Loc: Nipigon, Ontario Canada
Re: the let go and stop trying to control things - its like the saying "Let go, and Let God" - you're right, somethings are beyond are control so no sense worrying about them.

Hope things go well for you today.

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#13770 - 11/08/03 09:24 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Lillian~ You sound so much better today than you did the other day.

Sometimes life can just take it out of us, can't it?

Most days I figure I can do anything but every once in a while I have a day where I wonder why I EVER think that. I mean - sometimes I look at my situation and I think, "what the hell am I thinking?" - but most days, I try to make what works work.

I think my husband is headed for a rehab. We'll talk to our doctor Monday and see what the plan is. However, if THAT isn't in the forseeable future ... I may have to make some other plan.

In the meantime, I humor myself. I think about all the wonderful things I can do today.

... I could make burritos and go give them out at the downtown park to bums.

... I think about the 15 pounds I lost and how swell it feels when I lay on my side at night and feel my hip bone.

... never mind that my stomach still pooches out, it's the hip bone that's important at the moment.

... and maybe it will benefit my future husband ... who knows? Maybe I'll have one if this one doesn't get it together.

... or I think about taking him up to the mountains and leaving him there chained to a tree for a week.....I may or may not go back to get him.

So I have a mean streak....I wouldn't actually DO any of this stuff but it's a nice way to pass the time....la de dee....

I did enjoy it though when he was out in the front yard all day trimming our fruitless mulberry with a hand saw.... if he was really, really playing with all of his faculties we'd get a chainsaw but he's not, so I won't, and in the meantime, he can just saw, and saw, and saw away. It's 14 times more difficult than is necessary but it's mindless activity and that's about all he's up to right now.

I'm just rambling a bit here..... I had some counselor, last year as a matter of fact, say "gee, do I detect a little hidden resentment here?" I was amazed. I told him it wasn't hidden, it's right out there, what?, he missed it?.

And then... he decided that he would 'validate' me by telling me that I have every right to feel some resentment.... and you know what? I resent THAT. I mean, I know I resent a whole lot of stuff that my husband has done, but I REALLY resent someone telling me that it's okay to resent it. I KNOW that it's okay to resent some things and I process them and move on but I just don't get the whole bit about someone telling me I CAN. Who are they to tell me that? These people know me for what? five minutes, ten minutes and they pretty much figure that they can sum me up, and actually, sum up my husband by having spent a few days with him....well now I've worn myself out on this whole subject.

Okay - truthfully - I figured it out... I just don't feel like going through this whole 'rehab' thing again.... I don't WANT to be involved, I don't WANT to have any heartfelt discussions, or visiting days/hours/minutes, I don't want to have to go there, take him there, think about what he's going to wear at 'camp. Geezeus....I'M THE ONE WHO HOLDS EVERYTHING TOGETHER, I WANT THE VACATION.

That's what I resent. He screws up and he gets another vacation. grr.

Way too long post. I'm so sorry. It had to be done. That's everything in me right now.

Kate

Okay, now this is turning into some kind of rant... but really, any of you professional people who do this for a living can just jump right in here at any time.

I take issue with ' "allowing" 'me to feel a way that I feel. I am just married to someone with a problem, it doesn't mean I was dropped on my head, it doesn't mean I am, have been, or ever will be in the future, stifled in any way.

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#13771 - 11/08/03 09:28 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Did I mention..."it's all about me" time? Okay, I'm done. Really. [Roll Eyes]

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#13772 - 11/08/03 12:07 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Okay ~~ I lied, I wasn't done. I just had a thought, well, obviously, I have a lot of thoughts ........

I was just sort of thinking about those times when I just detest my husband ~ my husband whom I love... and I was trying to make some sense of hating/loving him and trying to figure out the effects of this whiplash of feelings and emotion.

It made me think of how my now 15-going-on-32-year-old-son is coming out of his horrible stage. He was the absolute most beautiful baby and just every day he was delighful - for years. And then he hit puberty and he was cranky and short tempered, gave everyone either very short, curt answers or blew up at them. No one could stand him and I had to explain, individually, to the rest of the family how it must be awful to have everyone just totally love you and kiss you all the time and tell you how beautiful you are and think everything you do is so precious and then *BAM* all of a sudden you've changed and now everything you do, everything you say, every way you act.... your whole existence, because of your stupid behavior, is now loathed by everyone around you.

And I told everyone to ease up on him a little because he's still trying to figure out what works for him and it's a very frustrating thing.

But here's the deal... how do you gracefully go from being the apple of everyone's eye to being the pain in everyone's ass? And how do you feel about yourself? It must be horrible.

Well I think the same thing about my husband.

You may all relax now. I'm calling it a day. Goodnight all. I hope I didn't put anyone to sleep.

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#13773 - 11/08/03 05:59 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Love is such a funny thing, yes? Even in the best of times, I can love and hate the same person at the same time.... maybe it isn't really hate, maybe it's just deep, deep anger that comes out like hate... not sure. Love isn't constant, either. I don't think any emotion can be rock-solid, unchanging.... to me, emotions are like the pieces in a slide puzzle, and the picture changes according to which slide piece is in which position... but love's more than an emotion, it's a decision, a committment. That's why, I think, we are able to keep doing the right thing regardless of how our emotions are doing....

I have a thought... disregard it if you will... but if you are tired of playing the dutiful rehab wife, tired of repeating the cycle of visiting, etc., then by all means, Honey, take your space.

If he needs a "time out," let him revel or wallow in his isolation. Perhaps demonstrating that you have limits -- that you do not have an endless source of energy and tolerance for his rehab activities, might get the message home that he's transgressed an important personal boundary of yours... and he might begin to respect that boundary.

I mean, after all, if you give a kid a "time out" in the corner , you don't keep talking to the kid and offering him juice and hugs and cookies.... you isolate him to reinforce the boundary issue. If you don't isolate the kid to show him that his behavior is unacceptable, he's going to keep on believing that it's OK to do it, because there are no negative consequences. Not to himself, anyway.

Just a thought. I wish you the best, and I hope YOUR wishes come true, and YOUR needs get fullfilled.
Hugs,
Lil

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#13774 - 11/11/03 03:36 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
lionspaaw Offline
Member

Registered: 11/28/02
Posts: 887
Loc: SW Florida
DK --

sometimes it's best to call it a day --

say ENOUGH --

and sometimes it's okay to just walk away -------

now you've seen it in writing -- vented the thoughts you didn't think you could openly say -- and if you still feel the same way tomorrow morning -- then maybe it's time to say -- it's MY turn now

be true to yourself -- life's too short to waste one moment of it -- and if YOU'RE miserable -- you're going to make everyone around you miserable --

and ya know what -- if you leave and it's wrong - you can always go back -- divorce ISN'T a death sentence -- who knows -- maybe a separation on YOUR PART will make him realize what he's losing -- and maybe it will be the one thing stronger than his addiction

???????????

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#13775 - 11/11/03 05:55 AM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
DreamrKate Offline
Member

Registered: 10/15/03
Posts: 446
Loc: California
Lionspaw ~ I'm just not sure where that "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health... blah, blah, blah, blah, blah blah" part comes in. Because I think this is it.

I mean, really. Personally, I don't think anyone should ever be a whipping post and I'm anything but that, but I think that everyone (speaking of society in general) needs to take a good look at what 'comittments' actually are.

We live in a drive-thru society these days. If we can't get it fast, faster than the next guy we are dissatisfied. People in cars drive faster to pass the other guy and yet they don't get to the light that much sooner. I used to gripe about standing in the grocery store line two people deep and one day I just felt God ask me who I thought I was. Why was MY time more important than the next guys? Just because I went to work that day? Just because I was tired? Did I have ANY idea what the next person went through that day? I was humbled because all I could answer was a resounding "No."

Why, even churches deliver the Gospel so watered down that we don't even really know what the Bible says anymore - they want to make it more palatable for more people. Well maybe the easy way isn't the right way in some instances. I don't think everything gets to come easy.

Not to say that this has been easy at all, but I still (I don't know if I mentioned this before) am drawn to do what Christ would have me do. I know that I'm only accountable for what I do - and it doesn't matter whether or not my husband has played fair. I must know that I'm doing what God would have me do for my situation.

I'm sure that sounds like a watered down version of...."oh I'll just stay here and take some more crap..." ...but really, all you lovely women, with all of your wonderful thoughts and uplifting hopes and advice.....really, each of us must do what we feel in our heart of hearts, is right for us.

Maybe I'm just feeling the high of him going into a rehab. But that's one thing ALL of my friends have accused me of being - ever hopeful.

I'll take all the fiery darts now. Shoot.

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#13776 - 11/11/03 06:21 PM Re: I'm new to this...but...is anyone here dealing with a drug user?
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
DK, no darts here. YOu are right, it is between you and your Lord. IF you are staying in touch with Him and seeking His will you never know what HE has in store.

I tend to be a Polyanna here too. FYI, I received an awesome story from a woman who was married to an alcoholic. She was ever prayerful, goign back and forth about what to do, and she remained faithful. One day her husband gave up the bottle for the last time. Never gone back. So there you go.

Love is a crazy emotion. Especially when you've been at it for all these years and have so much together. Wouldn't it be a miracle if this rehab works...I believe in miracles.

Praying for ya girl...and your hubby and family too.

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