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#136740 - 01/09/08 05:07 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: Edelweiss]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Oh yeah, he's buying time. He is "banking" (no pun intended) on you two sitting there and waiting. Uh huh. Sure is.

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#136741 - 01/09/08 06:14 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: ladyjane]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
My husband sent him a direct email telling him he has until the 1st of Feb or it's going to be towed. We'll see what that does.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136742 - 01/09/08 06:34 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: Dee]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
And that if it's towed he'll be responsible for the tags and insurance that has to be on it. (he's let all that expire). I'm praying that this will finally get LW to act...I'm standing firm on this one.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136743 - 01/09/08 06:49 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: Dee]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Go girl! What I think everyone here knows is that you are doing this out of love, and that you want him to take responsibility for his actions. You love him enough to stand firm. I applaud you and your hubby. I know its difficult.

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#136744 - 01/09/08 07:07 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: jawjaw]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
Dee
you very clearly explained the situation here.Could you write..or send an email asking him to print it out and regard it as a letter.Tell him in bullet points how you see things.
The sooner the better.Write it from his Father and yourself.
Mention his good points but also that for peace of mind you need things clarified.
All the best
Mountain ash

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#136746 - 01/09/08 10:52 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: Edelweiss]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
I have to agree with Hannelore on this one, and add to give him:

A HAND UP, NOT A HAND OUT!!!


Edited by chatty lady (01/09/08 10:54 PM)
_________________________
Take a peek at my BLOG:

http://charleen-micheles.blogspot.com/


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#136747 - 01/10/08 01:55 AM Re: I need your advice [Re: chatty lady]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Thanks everyone for your input...greatly appreciated. It was difficult for larry to do this but he did. And yes, I'm doing this because I care about LW and wish him to be a man who can stand on his own two feet...not a mama's boy who expects everyone to cater to him. So far we have not heard from him. I'm sure he's read his email and is wondering how to handle his dad's direct response to him. It's not something he's used to getting from his dad.
Larry and I both agreed today that we're not going to be the holder of anyone else's 'things' while they figure out what to do with it. We've learned our lesson.
I'll keep ya'll up to date about what happens next.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136748 - 01/10/08 05:53 AM Re: I need your advice [Re: Edelweiss]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
If it's alright, I'd like to add to Hannelore's side of thinking...
People like this don't usually fall, not totally. They seem to be able to find others that will "keep them standing"... I say this because I have a brother in his late fifties that could bare the initials LW. He goes from party to party - family, friends, friends of friends, friends of family - it makes me sick. When my mom finally kicked him out of her home four years ago, he made the circuit. Now he's virtually back at my mom's home. These types of indiviuals have a certain mentality. In my opinion, he needs a mentor, possibly someone outside the family. Letting him fall may not be the answer. Keeping tabs on him might be, and that may include certain contributions to his welfare. Give him $25-$100 for the truck in your yard... don't give him cash. Instead, go pay one of his bills with the money, then sell the truck for more than you gave him from it.... you should be able to get that much for the motor alone (that is if by skimming the post I got the full understanding of what you've shared).

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#136749 - 01/10/08 09:16 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: gims]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Gimster,
We cannot sell the truck. It's part of LW's bankruptcy and has to be approved for sale and amount by the courts.
This is our stance on the truck issue: His problem. He fixes it. Period.
As for his spending habits: His problem. He fixes it.
Period.
I was taught in this life that there are choices we make and consequences to those choices. LW is making choices knowing they are the wrong ones. I don't think he needs us to buy his truck and pay his bills for him...I think he needs a swift kick in the keester and to grow the heck up. And he needs counseling to find out why he's using money as a crutch for what's really going on in side him.
I'm still an advocate for tough love and here's why.
Just before Larry and I got married his daughter came to us wanting money (she has the same spending problem her brother has). She was about to be thrown out of her apartment and her mother (Larry's ex) was screaming Larry owed his daughter money. Evidently, Larry's daughter had been living with him for a period of time when he was married the 2nd time and because his daughter could not save, he was putting money back for her. He'd saved for her about $1200. The woman Larry was married to at the time took the money and left IOU's in Larry's name at which Larry felt responsible. Needless to say Larry divorced that woman and never saw a dime of the money she'd taken from Larry's daughter. I personally pulled out $1200 from my account and we paid 3 months rent for his daughter and the rest went for groveries. The ONLY reason I did that was to get Larry's nasty ex off Larry's back...looking back it was a dumb move, but hind site.... Anyway, has his daughter learned her lesson? No. We counseler her and offered to get her a professional advisor...Did she? No. Has she? No. Will she? No. Where is she now? Living in a one-room apartment. Her mom? Moved in with her because she can't handle money, either. LW's next in line if he doesn't change.
So, even when you do the right thing in helping someone, it still comes down to them doing the right thing.
I stand by tough love...in my experience it has worked over giving a handout.
I'm not all mean and staunch. If any of our grown children were having problems at no-fault of their, we would be the first ones to help them...but, LW (almost 27) and Danielle (almost 31) don't care to save or plan anything except for what can they buy next.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136750 - 02/03/08 10:25 PM Re: I need your advice [Re: Dee]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
UPDATE!!!!
The truck is gone. I did it. I stuck to my guns and Larry and I drove it over to LW's brother's house yesterday. To make a long story short...I gave LW no more time and no options. He kept stalling for more time and I sat down one night and wrote him a heart-to-heart email and talked to him as if he were my own son...I talked to him about what it means to be a responsible adult, to clean up ones messes instead of leaving it for one's parents to do, especially at the age of 26, and I talked to him about some other things that I felt needed to be addressed concerning his dad. I knew I was taking a risk of him more or less telling me to MYOB, but he didn't. Two days before I sent the email to LW, his dad sent him an email asking him when he'd be moving the truck...Larry's always let his kids call the shots and it's been a learning experience for Larry to step up and maintain control of this situation, but in the end, he did and I'm so proud of him. Yesterday, LW met us at his brother's house and we spent a few minutes with him. He was fine and now the truck is his brother's problem. Hopefully, it won't sit another year before it's finally dealt with.
It was difficult for me to keep having to push my husband to do the right thing and it was hard for me to step in and finally explain to LW my views on responsibility and being a man about one's bills. He's still obsessed in the old truck he bought and despite all the money he's poured into it, it still will not run. And I also explained (gently) to him his dads and my views about when he leaves the military and if he hasn't saved his money in order to secure an apartment. My husband says from what he's been able to see that it's going to be a long time before LW gets his act together concerning spending money he doesn't have and the bankruptcy didn't teach him anything. JJ, like you, I'm a believer of tough love when it's called for and it was necessary in this situation because had we not insisted, nothing would have been done and the truck would still be sitting outside rusting and LW not caring.
If nothing else comes from this I know that LW understands that at least when it comes to me and his dad that we'll be fair with him but we're not afraid to press him to do the right thing when necessary.
Thanks for everyone's advice...it was greatly appreciated. I can always count on support when I come here...and I'm sure, as a step-mom, that I'll be back.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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