It sounds like to me that LW is ALL ABOUT ME. A child misbehaves over and over....because they can.

You know I love you so take this in the spirit with which it is intended. Don't be an enabler for LW.

He is 25. What were YOU doing at 25? He is a man. He has served his country. Did he do what he wanted to in the military? I think not. They made his follow the military rules.

Now its time for LW to follow societies rules. If you play, you must pay. With growth of one's self comes responsibilities. If you were a high-wire entertainer and you had a safety net (YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and your home) would you worry about your performance? Nope.

You have to love them enough to let them fall. Call it tough love, call it discipline, call it whatever you want to. He is a man. This is no longer your responsibiity. He isn't hurting, bad off, or anything else. He can work, he can earn a living, he can find a place to stay. It might not be the best in the world, but that's the price he has to pay until he can LEARN and DO better.

You and your husband's job as parents teaching a child are DONE. Now before everybody jumps on me, I didn't say LOVING HIM is done, I said TEACHING him.

It is HIS life now. Let him fall so that he knows how to get back up. Otherwise, you are his legs from now on...are you willing to do that? Doesn't sound like it to me. And I wouldn't be either.

Tell him he has one week to get rid of the truck; otherwise, it is going to the dump. PERIOD. DO NOT BACK UP...DO NOT PASS GO.

I have a friend in a similar situation and I've watched over the years as this child has sucked her dry...mentally, spiritually, and physically. The "child" is 38 now and still doing the same thing. If the parent (my friend) starts to try the tough love on the child, the child suddenly comes down with some disease you've never heard of....uh huh...sure. That child has "almost died" about 22 times since I've known her and she is one of the healthiest people I know. And smartest. She knows just how to pull her Mother's strings. Heart strings...that is.

Love him enough to let him fall. He'll learn to walk again. I promise.

You've said it all JJ and I agree wholeheartedly. The friend's situation that you speak of at the end of your post is, of course, because she let it happen. Yes, love him enough to let him fall. That is the way it is for many who have had this happen. It's time for the boy to grow up!

Some young adults just need more help than others. Dee, I know your husband has already decided not to let his son come live with you, but I just want to add a couple more thoughts.

I’m not saying give him everything, but even if he is 25…so what. My kids were still terribly immature at 25, and spent their money on all the wrong things as well.

My husband and I totally overestimated our son. It took us some time to recognize the fact that he needed our guidance in how to budget and get back onto his feet. Now he’s earning more than we are. So helping your child doesn’t mean he will be forever dependent on you.

I think I’m the odd ball in this group, but I believe that if you don’t have family to help pick you up, then you are poorer off than the poorest family that would share their last slice of bread with you.

Agree Hannelore...but helping this 25-year old ADULT, can be done from a distance....in his own place. Help him with a budget, but don't GIVE him anything. That apparently is the problem now. Thus...the truck.

Picking a family member up when they are down is a strong believe of mine as well. But only.....only if they are helping themselves. I will not be an enabler. I love mine too much to help them be a user.

I see where you're coming from JJ. You know what?..I'm so glad my boys are out of this stage. This is one of the best things about being older.

Amen sistah....same here. It wasn't easy, and after raising boys, there are no surprises left...but Lordy was it EVER worth it, eh?

I was not a marshmellow when it came to tough love and my own sons. My older son was pretty much always responsible, but his little brother, now 31, had to find out about tough love when he was 15. I think I've told this before but when he was 15 he was headed downward in a tailspin and I felt I was losing him. I was a divorced mom raising him alone and it was better than most but yet difficult. John was lying, skipping school, flunking and starting to be mouthy, which I never put up with. One day I'd had enough and made HIM pack up his entire room in boxes (except for his bed, clothes and school books). All the pictures and baseball things came off his walls. Those boxes sat outside his room in the hall so he could see that his life was closed until he straightened up. He didn't go anywhere but school and with me. NO phone calls, NO TV and no life unless I said he could. He had to sit in his room and think about the consequences of lying and skipping school and disrespecting his Mother. It was heartwrenching and I cried at night wondering if I was doing the right thing...I refused to cave and after the various phases John went through in the process...being cool and cocky at first, then angry and letting me know how much he hated me, then crying for sympathy and then finally when those manipulations didn't work...facing his destructive attitude and correcting it. MY kids were taught (or made) to face their problems and deal with them. My husband, Larry, will be the first to tell you that he tried to help his son, LW growing up but all the efforts he made were undone by LW's Mom...and that's became apparent when she moved in with LW after their divorce and only stopped living with him a year and a half ago...So for and for at least six years she showed him that going in debt, not paying his bills and finally losing everything through bankruptcy is the way to live. Yet, LW will tell you he knows he should change but he doesn't...and that after reaching 25 year of age he has nothing to show for it.
I guess I'm just a hard ass when it comes to standing up and being responsible. I had to do it as a divorced woman with two children and I never let myself lose such financial control that I lost everything and to answer your question JJ at 25 I was married with a little boy and pregnant with my 2nd and serving my country in the military.
Bottom line is LW is lazy and doesn't care and when this is all done he's going to expect us to support his butt because he's not doing what he needs to do now.
I would never have tolerated that from my own sons.
I raised my boys to be men and LW's Mother raised him to be irresponsible. Not a thing his dad has told him, nor bankruptcy nor the Navy has changed him, and I think he's going to have to possibly sleep in his car before he wakes up and straightens himself out. Actually, he would not sleep in his car...his Mother would take him in and that's probably what's going to happen.
We agree with you JJ...we do not wish to be enablers for a MAN who refuses to grow up. This is what's called tough love...I know...I had to do it with my son and in the end it paid off and he has often and gladly thanked me for loving him enough to make him face his problem. LW is still blaming his Mother for his spending habits despite the fact that now he's drawing his own military pay check and blowing it on a truck that is worse off than when he bought it. He knows he has bankruptcy payments that start up again after June...but, again, what's he doing to save his money? Nothing. His choice. He needs rent money in 4 months. What's he doing to save for it? Nothing. His choice. He's making choices that are going to affect him and he doesn't care.
I know this sounds tough...and it is...but, that's what we feel we need to do at this point. I hate this...Larry hates this...but, how else is LW going to change if he isn't forced to deal with where he's put himself?

What my husband sent his son via email last night:

Son did you call your lawyer? You need to get something moving on this. The longer it sits out there the worst shape it will get in. I know you have the 78 truck to deal with but take time to call and get it moving.

Dad




What LW sent his dad:

Yea I know. I only have 20 min left on my phone with a week till payday. I will have to see if mom wants to come get me this weekend and I can use her phone. I don't know if the guy is open on the weekend and I think not. I plan to give it back to the dealer or creditor so just got to find out what to do. I know yall just want the thing out of your yard because it is just in the way. I don't care if the thing rotes and I assume you figured that out by now so when I get some minutes I will call or if I can contact him with moms phone.

Sounds like he's buying time again, Dee

Dee, how about if you call the dealer and arrange the pickup yourself. The bill goes to your son, of course.