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#136094 - 12/31/07 03:46 PM A hurting Newbie
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
I just found this site and, having never posted anything in my life,I'm quite nervous. I just read the post re mourning loss of family and marriage. I was married 27 years and my husband left New Years day 1997 to "find himself" aka "I have a new girlfriend and need to explore options". That was 10 years ago. I moved back to my home state although I have no family save my two wonderful grown sons. I struggled to piece together a new life by buying a fixer upper, starting an art program for adults with disabilities and going back to school. I completed my BS and have a wonderful job. This Christmas my sons wanted to share the day with my ex and myself. Foolishly I agreed as I had shared previous events with the ex and sons at various occassions but never at "ex home town". I hadn't been back to the "scene" in ten years or the church we were going for services Christmas Eve. Being the first wife of the lean times and financial struggles, I was rocked when my sons pulled into ex's home. A million dollar home and life style smacked me in the face. I was given a tour and graciously complimented on each item showcased from european travels with his fiance of four years. (We rarely went out of state). I know I sound bitter and probably am but upon returning home, I hit such a depression I haven't been out of my pajamas or talked with anyone in four days. I'm considered a strong woman and have dealt with the divorce with dignity and drive. They say the best revenge is to become successful. This trip, however, brought me to my knees and I can't seem to recover. During marriage I was given an allowance $300.00 per week. My mom's inheritance was spent on improving "our home" and paying tuition for prep school for our sons. I know, intellectually, I'm very lucky, strong etc. etc.-- but my heart is breaking. It's like mourning all over again and, even though I've been counting my blessings since I returned home, I can't seem to stop crying. I haven't experienced this pain since he walked out the door. Please, if I'm being a self-centered bitch, I need to know. I can't burden my friends with this emotional melt-down and I really hope there is someone out there who can relate. Thanks for allowing the mess that is me, out.

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#136095 - 12/31/07 04:46 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
First of all artlady, welcome to the nicest little corner of cyberspace. We're all REAL women with varied heartaches, adjustments and hurts....also we share so much joy together and celebrate the accomplishments and "up" times as well. My heart absolutely goes out to you. I can almost feel it physically. Many of us have been the divorce route. I, myself, was married 31 years before my divorce from a pastor. It's been just 4 1/2 years since and I've done all the ups and downs of whether I could handle seeing him or not. Right now I'm in a "not" stage because he's had the nerve to go back to the pastorate this year (and someone actually LET him!) He left because of another woman and is now married to her. It sounds like you probably honestly felt that you could do the "together" thing this holiday and be fine, but you found out different. You sound like someone that should be sooooo proud of yourself for how you kept putting one foot in front of the other and accomplished so much in your life. Bravo for that!! Still, this recent event had an unexpected profound effect on you. Now it's time to sort some things through. It's like any grief...you do it in your own way and in your own time. And a long term marriage that ends so devastingly, I believe, takes years even after you feel you've moved on. I still have difficulty at Christmas, for instance, because it was those days that I loved and cherished it so much. I've never felt the same, so I have my tearful moments even now and thank God, I'm remarried to someone who shares the same and understands. Do you have any close friends that would hear you out? You might just need to say it out loud and have someone to bounce your thoughts on. If not, we're here and you can write as much as you need or want. You experienced a lot during this visit, such as the huge change in his lifestyle, his success and all that yuck stuff. You know how you struggled to build what you had when you were together. It's another place and another time now and things just won't remain the same. I still have hurt about the years I gave up my own education for him and worked my butt off so he could get through seminary all the while denying myself big time. Sounds like you did some of that yourself. Do you journal? Sometimes I find it's very effective to write down exactly the varied things that are bothering me when I feel like I can't think anymore. And remember, friends are not really friends if you cannot burden them with a meltdown once in awhile. You'll love it here in time. We share some very deep stuff as you've probably noticed but we have a wonderfully fun time, too! Keep talking, okay?
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#136096 - 12/31/07 05:43 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
Artlady, I don't suppose you have one of those big toy punching bags lying around in your house anywhere, do you? If you do, I'd be very tempted to go and punch the living daylights out of it. I know, I know, rather uncharacteristic of me, being such a gentle, peace-making soul...but there are times when you just gotta get it all out of you, and this sounds like one of those times when a punching bag would be REALLY useful to have around!

I suspect that under the grief and depression is some anger - if it were me, I'd even go so far as to call it rage. You lost so much, including the dreams you had for your life and relationship - having all of that loss rubbed in your face like that has to have hurt you right to the core of your being. I'd be so livid to have had to endure that unexpectedly like that.

I strongly recommend (and I'm no expert, so I could be wrong) that instead of turning that anger inward into depression, find a (healthy and non-destructive) way to outlet it - pound the feathers out of one of your pillows, get a hammer and pound some nails into a piece of wood, pound the h*** out of a piece of meat, scream, throw a basketball against the garage wall - others might have other suggestions, like going to a gym - just find a way to let it out.

And come here often and let us help you through this.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#136097 - 12/31/07 06:10 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Eagle Heart]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Good one, Eagle...a healthy outlet for the anger and rage. These things make us so, SO angry! I missed that thought. So often we just curl up and want to die instead. Not good. Sometimes a good healthy very physical outlet is part of the deal and it can sometimes be amazing how it helps. Artlady, maybe try that and then pat yourself on the back for how you came through it all so successfully. And, yeah, stay away from him. You've found out the hard way that this type of thing is just not healthy for you. I would occasionally be in a social atmosphere with my ex for short periods and be somewhat okay but I never came out completely unscathed. Now I'm back at refusing to do it because my gut says so. Self preservation!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#136098 - 12/31/07 06:50 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
Thank you so very much for your replies. I'm still not sure how this forum works so I hope this is received. I did manage to get dressed today--even make up, but had panic attack in grocery store and had to come home. This is so sureal and I feel like such a loser for whining. God, if I could just get it together. Had call from my eldest son this am. Happy to hear from him until he told me where he was...with Dad and his girlfriend in Cleveland. If my face goes further into the poo, I'm going to start throwing it.

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#136099 - 12/31/07 07:02 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
49erDonna Offline
Member

Registered: 06/24/06
Posts: 384
Loc: California
Hi Artlady,

I too am a divorced Mom... not nearly as long as you. I was married for ten years and have now been separated/divorced for over 10 years.

I know it must seem like what you are feeling now will last forever - but I want you to believe that it will get better. I love my life now. It's been a long tough road to this point with lots of times when I didn't believe life would be able to get better. But it has. I beleive in myself and that huge change has made all the difference in the world.

I believe divorce leaves changes in us - such as in trust issues etc. but it also gives us the chance to grow. I hope that holds true for you.

Wishing you the best of everything including hope faith and love in 2008 and always!

Donna

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#136100 - 12/31/07 08:14 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: 49erDonna]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
Welcome ArtLady. I am happy to see you have found BWS and took the step to speak your story.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I have not gone through anything similar in my life story, but do know how unexpected events can trigger a break down of sorts. Stay around here, I am sure that you will find comfort and great advice.

You already are in the hearts of prayers of the women here.
_________________________
Follow our story of living, loving and laughing with a debilitating disease:

http://www.multiplesystematrophyandshy-drager.blogspot.com

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#136101 - 01/01/08 12:03 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Anno]
upnorth Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2
PJs or with the punchbag for a few days. Then set a date and get moving again. You can't change his life, don't let it bother yours!!

Best wishes

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#136102 - 01/01/08 12:24 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Artlady, I'm sorry for your pain! I do not have this particular experience but I could feel your pain in your post! It seems just terrible!
I know this: There is a beautiful life after divorce! There is a life that deserves those cards that congratulate you on your divorce!
I have been divorced and I had to get on my feet from almost nothing. I made it out of that to a much better and more secure place when it felt like I would never catch up to what I had before! I did it, and you can do it too!

You are in a lovely place to write about your feelings and the women here are great friends to have! They will welcome you and someone here can relate to you on just about everything!

Welcome to the forum. I'm sorry it is under the circumstances it is now but I truly believe that your life will improve and you will be happy again. I am sorry it hurts now, very much!

Please keep posting and tell us how you feel!

dancer9
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

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#136103 - 01/01/08 12:58 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: dancer9]
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
Thank you all so much for the posts. Your strength and good wishes have brought me, at least, into a sitting position. I made a leap and called an old therapist friend of mine and will see him at the end of the week. It's so odd that this visit knocked me back. You were so kind to let me know it's okay to feel this way...at least for a bit. I haven't had "divorce flashbacks" in years and was totally caught by surprise on this one. Happy new year to all you and thank you for being my blessings today.

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#136104 - 01/01/08 01:48 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
Hope this flashback roars out to a whimper, artlady.

You done well if you bought a fixer upper and also created a service to a community. It takes incredible faith in oneself to make that enormous change from divorce.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#136105 - 01/01/08 02:05 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: orchid]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
How are you today, artlady? Do something especially kind to yourself to start the new year. You have lots to look forward to!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#136106 - 01/01/08 05:29 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
Hi LadyJane, I'm still in my pajamas. Still kind of stuck but I know today is better than yesterday. I love your quote by J. Buffet. Isn't that the truth?

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#136107 - 01/01/08 07:57 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Hi Artlady. You found the right place to come to; lots of sympathetic hearts here.

From your post I gather what really peeves you is the fact that when you were married to this money pinching man, you had to turn over every penny twice, and now you see he’s rolling in the dough. Didn’t your sons know about this and warn you? Your x must know how his copious life style would get under your skin. Looks like he’s trying to rub it in…or am I wrong here?

Well, since revenge is sweet…you could try to hook up to some millionaire that has even more than your x, and then graciously invite your x to your place. But if that is too bothersome,…then just don’t ever give your x another chance to wallow in his riches in front of you.

Fine if you meet; but then just on neutral grounds, I say.

Quote:

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side saddle.
Rita Mae Brown



Hannelore

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#136108 - 01/02/08 08:39 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Artlady, first I would like to also welcome you to our home. Yes, it is a home and we are all sisters of which you are now also.

It is human nature my friend to feel as you do. Everything you should have had, is now being given to, and shared with another woman. I would be so dam mad I don't know what I would do.

I don't understand you're being so kind and allowing him to flaunt his new lifestyle in your face, BAD CHOICE!!! Now you have to get past it and the only way to do that is to find something or someone to give your own life meaning and pleasure. Easier said than done, but it is the only way because until something else fills your heart and your mind, you will continue to dwell on the injustice of it all, and thats sooooo normal!!

I hate men who pull this crap on their spouses, and it seems to be happening more and more.

I would say, it could be worse but I would be lying...You might put your foot down NOW, on your kids to never mention that sleeze bag and his hag to you again. I am dead serious about that one.

Try and keep busy and ask God to ease your mind, he is our best friend at times like this...

We're here for you too, anytime night or day.


Edited by chatty lady (01/02/08 08:46 PM)

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#136109 - 01/02/08 09:16 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: chatty lady]
QBall101 Offline


Registered: 12/21/07
Posts: 138
ArtLady, first of all I do admire your strenght to get through that visit with charm and diginity, YOU are a LOT stronger than you know just by accomplishing that with an even temper. I'm not advocating or advising bodily harm here, but when i get to a certain point of anger at my hubby or "life", I take one of my hub's beer cartons, toss it on the pond bank, chain up the dog, get my gun and turn that box into confetti! If you are inclined go to a target range and shoot a few rounds. It's an excellent outlet in a controled enviroment.

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#136110 - 01/03/08 03:46 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: QBall101]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Dear Artlady,

Hello and welcome to the most heartfelt, accepting place on the planet. Your story broke my heart to read and you're reacting normally, considering. I think you were noble in going to his home but I think he was rubbing your face in his happiness and that was pathetically wrong. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Considering how it affects you I would suggest against ever doing that again...if your sons don't understand then that's their problem.
Now, for your situation...grive but then try to move on. I think a part of your ex would be glad to know you've been knocked down so hard by seeing him and his life. Why give him the power you've allowed him to put upon you, taking your life and your spirit down anymore than he already has? (that is worded terribly but hopefully, you'll get my drift). He's not worth one more tear, one more missed day from your life or one more depressed moment. YOU have a life that God meant you to have...without him...and I know you're better off because of it. Reach deep inside you and pull out that inner strength that I know is there and do your best to come out of this sadness. I'm certain the holidays haven't helped at all.
Hold your head high and look at what you've done...and what you'll continue to do. You're a valuble woman with so much to give and it's his damn loss if he threw you away...not yours. Don't give that man one more ounce of your essence of life if it keeps you down. Let your light shine through because God gave you that light...not your ex. Your ex can dampen your spirit but never take it away...only you can do that...and I think you're better than that.
Welcome to BWS and this wonderful group of hyper sisters...we're here for you anytime.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136111 - 01/03/08 01:50 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dear Artlady,
A divorce is difficult to say the least. I spent 17 years with a man; we were married 14 years, when he decided he wanted a blonde instead of a brunnette. He wanted someone 10 years younger than me. And so he divorced me and married her.
Our son was 13 at the time. He lives in a neighboring town.
He and his wife had a graduation party for my son when the boy got his high school diploma. I was expected and did attend that gathering. That was many, many years ago. I seldom see my ex. And thank God for that. But it's a hard, hard thing to see someone you loved and probably still love way down deep. You have a right to feel bad. And you have a right to nurse those feelings. Only advice I have is pray, a lot. Ask God to ease those nasty feelings. And let's believe that He will!!! Prayers and blessings from one who knows what you're feeling.

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#136112 - 01/03/08 02:50 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: jabber]
Eagle Heart Offline
Member

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
In the midst of all the hurt, sadness and anger, I just have to mention one small (and it might seem insignificant to you, but not to us here) silver lining - this whole disastrous event led you here to us - and those of us who have been here for awhile KNOW that nobody stumbles in here by accident. Every voice has its wisdom, and I dare to say that God knows that we need YOUR voice here. I don't minimize the pain in any way (anyone who knows me here knows that I know pain!), but just add a wee shred of silver lining into the mix...

Welcome to BWS, Artlady...though the circumstances that led you to us were sad and painful, we're glad you're here.
_________________________
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

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#136113 - 01/03/08 04:18 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Eagle Heart]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Well said, Eagle...well said.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136114 - 01/03/08 06:02 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dee]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Yes! What Dee said!
dancer9
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

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#136115 - 01/03/08 08:27 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: dancer9]
Saundra Offline
Member

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 1796
Loc: Daytona Beach, Florida
Welcome Artlady. I think it's fantastic that you started an art program for adults with disabilities and went back to school. I went back to school at the age of 47 and got my BS. Apparently, here it is BS because even though I'm working I wish I had a wonderful job.

I know you're hurting, but you have much to be proud of and gratefull for and I'm delighted you found us.
_________________________
What I know for sure is that it's all connected.
Saundra Goodman
Got Teeth? A Survivor's Guide
www.gotteethguide.com for your Free Tips

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#136116 - 01/03/08 09:46 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Saundra]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Hi artlady. Maybe the ex just finally grew up. Maybe his new love won't tolerate penny-pinching. Many reasons but try not to let it bring you down because it has nothing to do with you. You are your own person and it says nothing about you when he is suddenly generous. Remember that, it has nothing to do with you. He is what he is, rich or poor, generous or stingy.

My sister went to her son's wedding party at her ex's big, expensive house. I caught her stomping a piece of the cake into his carpet, taking a picture of herself with his camera, before I said, "No more margaritas for you!" Today, she can laugh about it so know that the pain will leave.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#136117 - 01/04/08 03:04 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dianne]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Welcome Artlady! Sounds like your ex is a materialistic individual, whereas you are artistic, altruistic, and intrinisic! 'Things' cannot bring you happiness, and it seems his fiance is a 'thing' having been engaged for 4 years as it appears he's got her hanging by a string (perhaps waiting for some'thing' better). You, too, can go to Europe and I'm certain would enjoy and appreciate the history and art far more than your ex! Chin up! Less really is more!

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#136118 - 01/04/08 09:42 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
I PMed artlady to let her know everyone is still respodning. I hope she comes back.

Dianne, your post is perfect. It reminds us how riled up we can get in the moment, but after time passes, the emotion also lessens. Praise God for that.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#136119 - 01/05/08 03:11 AM Re: A hurting Newbie
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Tomorrow I'm going to my SDIL's home for my Step Granddaughter's 2nd birthday party. I'm already stressing...well, not stress so much as...simmering is more like it, because my husband's ex (who is really nutty and has treated my husband like crap) will be there and my SDIL's mother, who is cold to me and doesn't speak to me...for those of you who read my inputs over two years ago may remember my being upset because my stepson trashed his father's brand new tractor and refused to take responsibility for the damage (still hasn't)...when my SDIL became curt and snotty to me I put her in her place and her mom didn't appreciate it and has refused to speak to me ever since, despite the fact that her daughter was the one out of line. The only reason I'm going is to support my husband, who naturally wants to go to his grandchild's birthday party. It's uncomfortable as hell for me and I absolutely HATE being in that situation. My husband says, 'don't worry about it.' I told him he doesn't understand what it feels like because no one in my family has ever been disrespectful to him and he agreed he doesn't understand. I know he hates being around his ex as well so we'll be moral support for each other for having to be under the same roof with his ex. Anyway, it's one of those times where I have to reach down inside me and pull out that strength that gets me through it when what I really want to do is never ever see my husbands ex or my SDIL's mother again. Wish me luck...thank goodness it's only for 2 hours. Unfortunately I'll have to go through it again in June when the newest addition turnes 1 and will have his 1st birthday with all of them being there. For those of you who have not remarried and have steps and ex's I'm so envious of you for having done it right the first time and for not having to go through this. Okay...I'm off the pity pot now. Thanks for listening.
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136120 - 01/05/08 01:46 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dee]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Dee, it used to be so bad for me, I would lose 7-10 lbs before a family event so I know how you feel. I finally stopped going for a few years and only this year did I agree to go for Christmas. But, in those few years I got myself to the point that I didn't care and they didn't bother me, something that makes a big difference. Good luck. I don't envy you.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#136121 - 01/05/08 01:57 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dianne]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Thanks Diane...it's nice to know there are women out there who understand what I'm feeling. How was it for you at Christmas?
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136122 - 01/05/08 06:01 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dee]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Ouch, Dee! I can relate! Those obligatory things that keep us in one room with our x are horrid, aren't they! It's one thing to be finally divorced, but it's another to be reminded why we are divorced again!
Good luck with this appearance you will put in! You have my deepest sympathies and I hope you are able to avoid any uncomfortable situations and even have a real laugh, at least once!
dancer9
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

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#136123 - 01/05/08 07:34 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: dancer9]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Christmas was fine because I emotionally removed myself. I used to go overboard, trying to be nice and now, I'm just myself...something I should have done long ago but you know how it goes. We live and learn.

I just sat back and listened and made the appropriate comments but didn't start any conversations on my own. Be glad that your husband is on your side. Mine wasn't for a long time but is now. I think he finally grew up.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#136124 - 01/05/08 09:35 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Dee, I'm guessing you're there in the middle of the lovely family right now. How did it go. Did anyone grow up at all since you last saw them?
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#136125 - 01/06/08 05:31 AM Re: A hurting Newbie
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Dancer,
Thanks...I got through it (see below) and did have some good laughs because of the babies. They kept my mind off things and my husband was right there by my side...he's my rock.

Dianne, being myself means I tried to forgive people and move on...but, it's not happening with these folks. I've tried and they do not recipricate, so I'm beating my head against the wall. It hurts knowing Larry and I were the ones wrong and we've received no apology from the kids and the parents are mad at me because I stood up to their kids (not kids...they're so-called adults with parents who still treat them like kids and in turn the kids act like kids...you know what I'm saying?). So, this year I said screw it...I'm not going to try anymore...and I was right...things haven't changed. The good thing is the ex wasn't there and that was a huge relief.

Hey Dotsie,
At the time you wrote this we were on our way to my step-DIL's house. Thank goodness the ex wasn't there. Larry was more relaxed because of it and I think everyone in general liked that, too. Sad to say but that woman rubs a lot of people the wrong way.
My step-DIL's mother was there and she ignored me as usual. Larry saw it finally and said it was rediculous. She sat down by Larry with their grandson and completely ignored me and she offered my MIL cake but bypassed me (I was sitting by my MIL). She's been so rude but it explains why I had to set her daughter straight in how she talked to me over two years ago. I tried last year to be polite and civil but I guess Michelle's mom enjoys acting superior and rude...I guess it makes her feel good. It explains a lot about her daughter's behavior and why she thinks it's okay to treat people badly.

And here's something that I was totally surprised that they did and something I would never do. They bought little Anna who is only 2 a motorized John Deere Tractor. She actually sits on it and pushes a pedel and it drives...She was slamming into the fence and into her jungle gym and almost ran over my MIL who is 74 and me and other folks. There's no way I would put my child of two years of age in charge of a vehicle like that. Even the 4 year old (Anna's friend) was not doing the best. At one point Anna was holding on to the back and pushing it (so she thought...it was being drive by her 4 year old friend). Anna slipped and didn't let go and was being dragged behind it by the 4 year old...everyone was laughing and saying how cute...I thought it was irresponsible and dangerous. Who buys a motorized vehicle for a 2 year old? or am I behind the times?
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136126 - 01/06/08 05:51 AM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dee]
meredithbead Offline
The Divine Ms M

Registered: 07/07/03
Posts: 4894
Loc: Orange County, California
just one more example showing just how IDIOT these people are. They are really not worth your time Dee, except they're now endangering a child.
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#136127 - 01/06/08 01:53 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: meredithbead]
artlady Offline


Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 5
Hi Everybody, Thank you all for such wonderful support. You are truly an amazing group of women and such a blessing to me..as well as to each other. I saw my therapist friend and dumped the whole garbage bag of emotions in his lap. His response: PTSD. I believed that only applied to severe trauma ie veterans, victims of crime etc. He told me trauma is trauma and the brain basically shuts down. We talked through every moment of the trip and why my inside was screaming and crying, while my outside displayed calm, cool, collected and dignified which resulted in a meltdown. Perfectly understandable given the circumstances. When I left, I felt a huge weight had been lifted. I went back to my scrubby little house and began painting-not the house, a canvas. I also called my older son and shared some feelings I hadn't expressed to him before. My sons both need to understand I HAVE moved on and my life no longer intersects with their father. The memories I had good and bad will never be physically revisited again. I also got up the courage to say (in the profound words of Dr. Phil), "What the hell were you thinking?" Although I'm still in my pajamas, starting work again tomorrow will force me out of the house--my safe place. It should be interesting to see if I can get through the day without an anxiety attack. Blessings to all of you.

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#136128 - 01/06/08 01:54 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: meredithbead]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
Glad you survived! One of the kids is getting married soon so I'll get to endure the family gathering again. It honestly doesn't bother me anymore but there are things I'd rather do instead...like go to the dentist!

Give your husband a big hug for me for supporting you.
_________________________
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#136129 - 01/06/08 01:54 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: meredithbead]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
Dee, I'm glad you got through it yesterday. Those times or, at best, UNcomfortable, but not the kids fault. SOOOO glad the ex wasn't there...that was an improvement at least. Yes, you're right to say screw it and carry on. We're in the very process of doing that with my two stepdaughters...terrible for their Dad but he's getting through it one day at a time. People change when they want to but not on our time frame. Have a great Sunday!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#136130 - 01/06/08 01:58 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
ladyjane Offline


Registered: 08/22/07
Posts: 1761
Loc: Southern Maine, USA
artlady! I was posting the same time as you....I'm happy for you that things seem to be moving forward. It sounds like you've done the things to keep it so. One day at a time. Going out of our little safety zone (home) can be very challenging at times like these but really the most healthy. I know that work became my sanity saver many times over. Keep going....and come back often to visit us!
_________________________
If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane ~ Jimmy Buffett

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#136131 - 01/06/08 06:42 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: ladyjane]
Dee Offline
Member

Registered: 06/27/05
Posts: 2561
Loc: Alabama
Diane...thanks, I will and good luck with the upcoming extended family...I'll keep you in my prayers. Now where's that dentist!!

Ladyjane...you're sweet and I love your comments as well...when I'm troubled or just need support, seeing all of your responses is like a dose of sunshine for me. Shine on shine on!!!
_________________________
Dee
"They will be able to say that she stood in the storm and when the wind did not blow her away....and surely it has not.....she adjusted her sails" - Elizabeth Edwards

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#136132 - 01/06/08 06:44 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dee]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
I so agree with you Dee! Lady Jane lights up a page when she posts!
dancer
_________________________
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"Question your privilege"

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#136133 - 01/06/08 07:03 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: artlady]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Artlady,
I have PTSD. That you have found that you do is half the battle! Will you have treatment for it? I hope so, it helps so much!
It makes sense. You certainly have been through something bigger than you and terrible. If something over powers us and hurts us it is surely to cause PTSD. Yours is no less than a person who was in a war or someone like myself who is a murder witness!
One of the most important things about PTSD is to be good to yourself and to try not to "re-traumatize" yourself. Every time you see or hear of your EX, it traumatizes you again! You do need the respect of children and friends so they will not bring him up around you because he has hurt you very deeply so no good can come of them telling you what is happening in his life! It will help you move along if you are not constantly reminded of him by others! They must understand that your pain must be respected and cared for as much as if you were in a care accident! Yes, it can hurt that bad!
I have had a lot of treatment for PTSD so if I can be of any help, please PM me and let me know. I hope you do have some therapy for it and are feeling better soon. Please keep us updated?
dancer9
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

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#136134 - 01/06/08 07:13 PM Re: A hurting Newbie [Re: Dee]
dancer9 Offline


Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Oh, Dee! I agree, the tractor was a bad decision!
dancer
_________________________
http://www.annalisanews.com/

"Question your privilege"

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