Thank you, thank you, thank you JJ and dancer! I feel heard and understood. It's confusing and I really have never felt the same since. Even though living in a restrictive lifestyle, it was my life and I had learned to be content. When my pastor husband found another woman I went numb inside and didn't come out until this year. In the meantime, I rebounded, married the guy and he is very opposite than what I was used to all my life. He can be sweet, super caring and very sensitive and then the next moment be hateful, violent and a pervert. How can this be? He is the guy with flowers, who cries easily and loves a lot. Then he can turn cold, be very, very child-like and use his hands to hurt. Everyone out in the world including his work thinks he's the one in a million kind of guy. They could never now. Anyway, I usually cna't be here in the evenings because he's home. He's snoozing in the chair so I came here to post. It's weird, a real Jekyll and Hyde type. Sometimes I can feel so loved and cared for and other times I feel so alone and lost and yet I say nothing. Sometimes I wonder what happened to my life...where did it go? Thank you dear friends for letting me just type it here. It feels scary but liberating at the same time. I don't ever say this to anyone!

LadyJane, we all care about you and wish you strength. Again, I wish I had more practical advice.

Lady, Jane, I don’t know if you read a thread of mine, but I had a crisis in my marriage a while back. I couldn’t take it any more, and just packed my bags and left. I can’t tell you how that has changed my Hubby and our marriage. He knows I’m not kidding around when I tell him I can’t tolerate some of his attitude.

Would you have a place you could go to, in case you want to try that method out? Some men just need a good shaking. As long as you stay and just complain, he probably won’t change his ways. Taking action is what helped me.

And as far as going wild, that is just something you did…that isn’t what you are. There is a difference. When I think back on the different phases in my life, I look back at other people. We always change and develop. Maybe that’s what you call growing older and wiser.

Actually HL, I did read that thread about your crisis. You were very brave in getting serious about it. I'm so glad to see that it worked for you and that it continues to do so! To be honest, when things get testy around here, I have ALWAYS felt that I was in "run" mode...ever since the wedding three years ago. I was terrible about this before the wedding....in one year I walked out 4 times! Once the committment came and the wedding date was set 2 months before it happened, I've held in there and never left. But I've wanted to leave a million times. Not sure how and like I've said, we seldom fight and he can be wonderful in between. This came up because the last two months we've been stressed out and it's been worse between us. Last weekend he told me I would probably be better off alone. Then he makes up with me. It goes on and on...

My dear ladyjane,

It's all been said, but somethings bare repeating.

You went through a time in your life when what you did was different from anything that you had done before. Your life dramatically changed, quickly, and you did not have the proper resources to handle that change. You reacted. Please, please forgive yourself and move on. Love yourself for all the beauty you are in this world.

Each of us makes up our own mind of what we will accept from the other people in my life. You are still trying to figure out what is acceptable in this current marriage. Be gentle with yourself. It's not for anyone but you to judge what is okay and what is not okay. You will figure it out.

Try to get some perspective on your situation. If you can get away for even a day, just to let it go for a while, perhaps it will become clearer.

It also sounds like he has some issues that he needs to deal with. When someone tells you that you might be better off alone, they are trying to send a message. He may not even know what he wants for himself, for you and the two of you together.

My heart is with you. This is all so difficult. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this stress.

Sometimes, there is no where to go. Sometimes, the other party wants you to go and won't pursue you. It can only be tested, but be ready for what may come.
To me, this is another topic that needs a private thread, regardless of whether a partner/spouse/friend/family member is computer savvy or not. Others can read, make the connection and pass the info on to another.

LJ, I honestly don't think God sees our faults or cares about our misteps... and that's all that matters. He sees our hurts and understands our actions... aren't we so lucky? Remember, you will get some of that same agape love here, more than you'll possibly ever feel, no matter what you do or say.

I don't know what will be done with this thread...
I've not finished reading responses.
However, whatever we do:]
We cannot abandon our Lady Jane, who is a lovely and valuable person to us.
dancer

Above all, Lady Jane, be SAFE. It is most important along with knowing that we all care about you very, very much.
We understand you and will always try to understand you. You are not alone.
If you feel that you can express yourself here, and it is safe, then we much believe you and respond in kind!
I'm sorry for what is happening at this time in your life.
No matter what, we are here. For post, PM's or whatever helps.
It's hard, I know, to put the truth on paper or to speak it out loud but it's a start.
We care, we feel for you and we always will. Say what you will, where you must say it and above all:'
Stay Safe.
dancer9

Wow,Why do you think it is so prevelent in Germany, Hannelore?
dancer

If my partner should slide backwards or something wrong happens, I know he would not do anything violent to hurt someone...or myself..because his stepfather used to throw things at his mother. She was/is a gentle woman. And my partner used to ....as a teenager defend his mother. My partner was deeply disappointed his stepfather was so different from his birth father...the latter would have never treated his wife like that.

Violence, ...can affect a child 2 different ways...either it makes them abuse OR they make a strong decision never to treat anyone else like that. (which is what my partner, Princess Lenore and dancer chose to do).

It takes powerful reserves in a child/teenager to resist strongly not to engage in any violence if there is some at home often. It is reaching children who are in this middle zone..we think they are ok...

My only comment to LJ is you need to distance yourself that you are not the cause of his inexplicable behaviour at times. It was there a long time ago before you....and probably excerbated by other recent family developments.

LJ, you probably are more confident in giving power to other people so that they can find themselves. You already have a good, loving relationship with your daughter. That is a good indicator. Perhaps control is something he has not yet figured out what his boundaries are inside. But don't over extend yourself. Keep safe.