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#133317 - 11/30/07 12:38 AM A nightmare of a family problem today
dancer9 Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Today I was involved in trying to help save my sister in law's children as well as her.

She called me and told me that she was checking her husband's i-phone and saw that he was down loading child porn! She told me that it was there on his i-phone and at times he slept in her 4 year old daughter's bed!

She is a battered wife. But this was different!

My husband and myself took action immediately. We called the police in the area and told them what we knew. They went to the home and her husband drove up, drunk. He confronted the officer and was arrested for drunk driving. They held him in lock up last night.

After this he went home and the police had taken possession of the i phone. He admitted to down loading "stories about incest!!!" I was sickened and shocked and was helpless as we are here in Az and they are in Virginia. My sister in law has MS and is not doing well. They have a four year old and a one year old daughter!

When the police and Child Protection showed up today, my sister in law would not repeat that he was sleeping in her daughter's bed! Still, they took her and her daughters to the office of child protection so the young girl could be evaluated. During this time, her husband was at home. He could not drive after the DUI and he was staying in the family home! He is abusive to my sister in law, I know, so I was worried about what would happen.

It is so scary to think that if my husband and I had not taken action when hearing about this from his other sister, nothing would have been done!!

The district attorney was at child protection watching the interview with the four year old. He was ready to arrest and press charges if the girl was shown to have been abused in an interview. As far as the i phone,, they have to send it to a lab to have it searched for the porn and whatever else incriminating is on it! They also have his phone.

I still don't know the outcome of the interview at Child protection yet, but I was told by the officer that she did not admit to him that her husband slept in her daughters bed. He said he felt she was afraid of her husband. If they do not find evidence of the abuse in the interview with the four year old, they will return to their home where he waits! It will take some timem to get evidence off the i phone, they tell us. In the meantime, he may be around those girls again and he may be able to hurt my sister in law again.

Now he cannot drive so he will be home and around them all of the time. My SIL's MS is making it hard for her to drive so she is, in effect, trapped!

I am so worried about those little girls! I also cannot believe that my SIL knew her husband slept in the bed with her daughter for 6 MONTHS of and on, not sleeping with her and she did nothing! I know she has battered woman's syndrome but it's still hard to forgive! Should I?

The police chief in the area called me and told me that he has known that she was abused for 2 years! He told me that they have been trying to arrest her husband for SOMETHING for that long! The DUI was just dumb luck!

This situation has me really very upset and scared, as I said, for those little girls! What kind of a man....

It got worse. My SIL confessed that his two sisters told of him molesting them when they were children and that a mother of one of his children of a previous marriage is accusing him of molesting THAT daughter! He has had children with FOUR women and pays no child support.

He does not work and lives off my sister in law's retirement and social security as well as her inheritance which she will NEED as her disease gets worse!

I am pray that he will be arrested soon, perhaps for the child porn if it is on the phone and they will all be free.

I'm looking for strength, ideas and just support from all of you who have been so kind to me and welcomed me into your community. You mean a lot to me. I was going to get off my computer but I did not feel good about that until I posted this, so I must need support.

I hope this story made sense. I am, as I said before, SO upset and worried. I don't even know yet what Child Protective decided but will know tomorrow if not tonight.
My sister in law is so afraid of him and will not call if he is in the home, he moniters her calls. The officer who took them to CPS told us he would call when he found out the fate of the little girls.

I so hope they arrested him, but that means he has hurt the girl!

dancer in distress!

Edited by dancer9 (11/30/07 12:43 AM)

"Question your privilege"

#133319 - 11/30/07 03:12 AM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: ]
Eagle Heart Offline

Registered: 03/22/05
Posts: 4876
Loc: Canada
I'm carrying them all (and you too) in my prayers tonight...especially the children.
When you don't like a thing, change it.
If you can't change it, change the way you think about it.

(Maya Angelou)

#133320 - 11/30/07 03:37 AM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: Eagle Heart]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
Dancer, if this man is evading paying child support, and it can be proven that he owes it, AND if someone has gone through the courts to try and get it, he can be arrested on the spot. It takes investigating and getting the facts, but if you know for sure he is wanted for nonsupport, tell the a heartbeat!

This is so sad and it kills me. You've done a lot to hopefully stop anything from happening. Dianne can speak to the abuse portion and to the fact that the women KNEW about the child sleeping in the bed with him. But for the life of me, I don't get how she could turn a blind eye. She knows. That's my feelings. Otherwise, why wouldn't she have told the police about it.

Not for me to judge and I've said enough, but in the meantime, prayers are going up.

#133321 - 11/30/07 07:27 AM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: jawjaw]
Edelweiss Offline

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Someday those children will thank you Dancer. Hopefully those children will have a new safe home soon!

#133322 - 11/30/07 03:28 PM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: Edelweiss]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
A battered woman lives in fear and denial. They can be beaten and still deny to themselves that it happened. The same thing with living in denial about him sleeping in that child's bedroom. They want to believe that nothing is really going on because change is the greatest fear. I know it sounds crazy and awful but you have to be in that position. The possible loss of a roof over their heads, moving, having every person in town know what happened...the list goes on and on. I would have never kept quiet about what he did to a child but lie about him abusing me. It gets crazy.

Can't she and the kids go to a shelter?
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.

Boomer Queen of Shoes

#133323 - 11/30/07 04:37 PM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: Dianne]
Casey Offline

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 789
Loc: Aptos, California
Dancer, What a difficult situation and so hard being so far away. Usually knowing her children are at risk will get an abused woman to leave, but not always. Oh, so hard.

Forgive? Perhaps someday, but it doesn't sound like you are anywhere ready to do it because it's good to keep focusing on helping the children.

JJ is right -- getting the guy for non-support is one way of going after him. And it sounds like the ex-wife is ready to press charges. Do you have access to her?
Casey Dawes
Wise Woman Shining
Supporting women business owners to step into their power as business leaders.

#133324 - 11/30/07 07:50 PM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: Dianne]
dancer9 Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Dianne,It's classic. She is afraid to leave him. He "has things on her," he has threatened her, her entire left side has gone numb now from her MS and her brain has more lesions. She is afraid to be alone with two young children, (which she had when she was over 40, with MS and against doctor's orders, "for him."
The list goes on. I was battered once. If it had gone to my child I would have been gone without a doubt. In fact, I always told myself that if he ever upset my son or hurt him, he was TOAST! I don't get it.. I understand why she stays but why put her daughter in this position?

Child protection is going to the "unannounced home checks," and mandatory therapy until they get the i phone anaylized and know if there is something there they can arrest him on.
It has to go to a lab where they pick it apart, this is a small area in Virginia. They are all back in the same home again. He still faces DUI charges and cannot drive so he will be there all the time. He drinks everyday until he is drunk. The chief of police told us he would be trying to catch him driving so he can arrest him while he is trying to build a case...

There should be news from CPS soon about the children.

dancer, sorry for the misspells. I'm still a bit wired.

"Question your privilege"

#133325 - 11/30/07 07:57 PM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: Edelweiss]
dancer9 Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
I am frightened for the children. The four year old especially. CPS will do "well checks," on the children and require therapy I think but it's not enough! He has admitted to downloading "incest stories!" How can such an animal go undetected and since he admitted that to the police, why do they have to go through all this to get the "hard evidence," to arrest him?

Everyday in that home is a possible blow up. It is just, as I keep saying, frightening.

We are trying to save the girls. The chief of police, the sheriff, the DA, the Child Protection people, but we, my husband and I, (and my other sister in law,) are trying to do it from Arizona! It's so hard this way. To fly into that little area would be throwing fire on the situation as it looks right now.

dancer horrified.

"Question your privilege"

#133326 - 11/30/07 08:04 PM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: jawjaw]
dancer9 Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
No, Jaw Jaw, I agree with you and you can judge. She HAS known that he was sleeping in her daughter's bed. She had told her sister that she caught him sleeping there NAKED! I find it hard not to judge a woman who can stomach that. It turns out that he has been sleeping there for 6 MONTHS! What sort of woman, who controls ALL the money coming into the home, (he has no income and she has plenty of money, even inheritance, in her own name,) turn her head? No way can I deal with her regarding that, I am at a loss to forgive that. Most women who are even remotely sane would snap at that point!
They had her alone at Child Protection with her daughters and she could have told them everything she has told us but so far we have no news that she did. The police told us last night that he had "worked her," by the time they got there to pick her and the children up and she was not talking again! He told us he had seen this before and he knew how to handle it. I pray he does. I think of the danger of this man.
He does own a gun.
The last family member who lived there, my other sister in law, was threatened by him and told that "I can pick you off at 1000 yards." ( He has a rifle.)
He has some military training but will not verbally go up against my husband, (her brother,) who has a full career there.
He used to watch the home with a gun and shells on his seat almost all day.

The thing we don't know is how much the MS is affecting her mind. Her recent MRI showed more brain lesions and she has said that her whole right side will "go out." She has said that it is out at this time.

Her sister finally got her to answer the phone today and she did not MENTION the ordeal yesterday! She only said that her right side was out and that she had to get her home "organized and cleaned," whatever that means. Of her husband, she would only say, "we're talking." She had no emotion and again, did not mention the whole ordeal of CPS, the arrest of her husband for the DUI or anything. She spoke with no emotion.

Later today I will hear more from the chief of police and fill everyone in.

"Question your privilege"

#133327 - 11/30/07 08:22 PM Re: A nightmare of a family problem today [Re: Eagle Heart]
dancer9 Offline

Registered: 04/16/07
Posts: 2411
Loc: Arizona
Thank you, Eagle Heart,and from the bottom of my heart, thanks to every single person who took time to read of my problem and to respond. It means so very much to me that you are there on the other side of my computer.

"Question your privilege"

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