Things seem clear in your mind. If I were you and things were that clear to me, I'd go for it. (Sometimes you sound like you're talking about my mom, so I understand, thoroughly.)

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I have been quite negative, I realize that but I'm working through something. This grief thing is a process and it is often not pretty. Unresolved issues from the past come up and unfortunately for me, the issues are with my Mom. Still, I want to go alone on my trip, that has not changed.

What I need to work on and I did that today, is why I allow my Mom to push my buttons and I think I figured out why.

When she makes rude or negative comments or hurts my feelings, I grind my teeth, but don't say anything to her. This in turn makes me angry at her. I should see it another way and I am now. Instead of getting angry at her, I should tell her how I feel. Not in a nasty way, but in an honest way. She will make a big scene as she does not like to be challenged, but then that will be her choice.

My frustration and anger towards her is the problem. It's a problem because instead of standing up for myself I back down and then feel resentful.

All my life my Mom has been a bit of a bully. She says the meanest things and I have taken it. She isn't all bad of course, but she is childish and has often been jealous of me especially in my youth. She would critisize me instead of building me up. Over the years she has said some very hurtful things for no reason other than her insecurity.

Everyone in my family including some of my parents friends have let her get away with basically getting her way. To keep the peace my Dad and I would just take what she threw at us. Peace came at a big price though.

So, now I am going to try really hard to stand up to her. I will be firm and kind, but I will tell it like it is. eg. Boyfriend situation. Because my current boyfriend is part black she has said to me that she never wants to hear his name, she never wants to meet him and he is never welcome, ever in her house. In the past I have never mentioned him in conversation. But I think I may bring him up from now on when it is relevant to the conversation. Eg. If we are going somewhere or if he is coming out to visit. He lives 5 hours away. I don't think I should act like he doesn't exist just because she has decided that she doesn't want to hear about him.

I hope this isn't too long but I wanted to explain that there is a reason why I have been struggling with the decision to go on my trip alone. I think I need to make this journey so I can move forward.
Kate

Kate, I'm sorry I did not get involved with this thread (purely my personal...) but this I have to respond to: "Boyfriend situation. Because my current boyfriend is part black she has said to me that she never wants to hear his name, she never wants to meet him and he is never welcome, ever in her house. In the past I have never mentioned him in conversation." In my opinion, this makes it all about HER and her needs/wants, and not about you, and IMHO it is about time you establish what you need/want. PL

Yes! I'm 51 for goodness sakes. And yes, it is usually all about her. If you don't do what she says, agree with her etc. then your out!

I'm working on finally growing up (when it comes to her) and establishing what I need.
thanks,
Kate

Good for you. Peace and freedom will eventually come to you. And you can be the authentic person you are meant to be without self-serving interference from her.
This will be yet another path on a journey you seem to be taking last year, into this year. Much love and light to you along the way. PL

kb,

Sooooo, Kate? GO FOR IT!! What do you really have to lose?? Take your grown up freedom and exercise it. We're rooting for you!!!!

Kate
i have thought deeply before posting.Do you have to go to Denmark this year? Can you give yourself time and see how things evolve? Seems to me that we all do things when grieving thinking we must act sooner rather than later. You could visit Denmark (maybe with your Mother maybe not) but keep the ashes for a time when it will allow peace for you.
the act you are to perform deserves to be done in grace and then it will help you heal.
Forgive me if I say something that offends you.
Mountain ash

No offence taken Mountain Ash. Your suggestion of waiting to go to Denmark is a good one. I will think about it. I am still in denile quite a bit so thought the trip and spreading the ashes would allow me to really say good bye.

You give me something to think about.

Gimster: love the audience clapping, gave me a chuckle.
Kate

Kate
your tribute of the ashes should be cathartic and although painful be an experience to treasure. Battling with your mother would take some of this from you.(Even if she did not come she would be sitting on your shoulder.)
family dynamics are complicated and you need some time to move forward.
I think you are doing marvellously.After all its early days.