Has anyone here come close to their own death? If so, did you change because of it?
I ask because a bit of time ago, I came very close. I did change, I know, but the changing is not complete. For example: I am not afraid of much now. I found that I was much braver and likely to speak out. Again, I know I am not yet finished dealing with it and changing because of it.

Did anyone have this experience and if so, can you share with me your feelings after recovery and joining life again?

Thank you very much,
Dancer9

I had a car wreck that almost took me out. I can remember being in the car and saying to myself, "so this is how it ends." I was so sad because I wanted to live. And live I did. I had almost everything broken on my left side and have pain during bad weather, and sometimes just because.

But change me it did. I love more, I love harder, and I do what I WANT TO DO. I'm more outspoken, but I'm also more gentle and more kind, compassionate and loving. It made me a better person. So something good does come from bad.

During that same time frame, my Daddy was dying, and my Mother had breast cancer. I had also quit smoking. So a lot of things were going on for me.

I have a long way to be the person God intended me to be, but I can guarantee you one thing, if I don't make it, it won't be for lack of trying.

I would love to know of your own experience if you feel like sharing.

Yes..I had my bowel perfortated by a procedure and then had peritonitis in 1984.Yes my life changed and there was a before and after.With hindsight that time became a gift.Only another survivor will understand.
Belief me it was a fight.
Mountain ash

Did any of you close to death, see the white light? Doctors who have studied patients with near-death experiences, found many saw the white light.. the white light evokes a happy feeling, drawing a person in further..before one pulls back, realizing....later they nearly died.

I'm not sure my experience qualifies as near death. I did get hit by a car as a pedestrian when I was 16 yrs. old. I was pushed down in snow by a car running a red light...in intersection. Ironically accident was in front of a major life insurance company building.

Was on my way to school. After examined by emergency services at hospital..I rested at home for rest of day..in deep shock with a raging headache. Probably due to immense relief and shock either I could have been disabled/seriously injured.

I was hit by a Pinto car. If you are hit hard enough by a small car, your body could be thrown up on top of the hood of the car. I was not.

THis experience did 2 things: 1.I had great difficulty learning how to drive a car. SHortly I gave up my hard-earned driver's license. I simply was not comfortable. That was almost 30 yrs. ago.

2. I'm a pretty cautious cyclist that observes traffic rules. I don't weave in and out of cars on a road, etc.

But appreciation of my own life and good health, happened about 10 years later..when I began working at hospital for spinal cord injured patients, many paralyzed for life due to accidents or their own stupid actions.

mountain Ash,
I would love to know how it affected you.You are such a wonderfully spiritual person...
All of your post have this calm beauty about them.
dancer

Without experiencing a ND, one can only wonder. My mom talks of actually dying twice in her lifetime. During one of the experiences, she claims she was given the option of staying or coming back. She chose to come back because she had so many children that she thought needed her.

I'd say that I would like such an experience, but then on the flip side that wish sounds pretty scary!

When Dancer started this thread, she said, "I know I am not yet finished dealing with it and changing because of it." I say very little to people who know me now and not then regarding my own issue(s) unless it directly relates and can be helpful. I'm not changing because of it either. On March 28, 1998 I was sitting in one of those wonderful coastal Maine seafood places with my husband and another couple. I had had three TIA's in two weeks but no doctor was deeply concerned enough. During dinner I started to feel as though I was in another place, a dream-like state. I remembered nothing more for 5 days. Later I was told that I began to look sleepy but disturbed, as though in pain. I tried to open my mouth to speak but nothing but odd noises came out and then I lost consciousness. I was in the middle of an ischemic stroke. During my 5 days of coma I remember nothing until I began to come around. I remember feeling very peaceful and unafraid even though I had significant memory problems. I entered rehab for a grueling 6 weeks to recover whatever I could. My left side was paralyzed and I was in a wheelchair. After going home I had a physical therapist at the hosue several times a week for months. Over the course of the next year and a half, I went from a wheelchair to a walker and onto a quad cane and finally to a regular cane. I had to learn to feed and dress myself and finally maneuver stairs and on and on. I have 90% back. If I'm tired, I sometimes experience some residual effects like foot drop now and have to be cautious. I truly began to live more after that time. I noticed every bird, smelled every flower....it was as though my senses had been reborn. My faith came alive like never before! My friends and family meant more than words can say. Secondly, in February of 2002 I felt a small pea sized lump in my left breast. AFter a mamogram and then an ultrasound I was advised to have a biopsy. I opted for an excisional biopsy. This is where God is so very good...the lump was only a cyst but the real problem was invasive lobular cancer located near the chest wall directly below the cyst! It gave me chills at the time to realize I may never have known soon enough without that little benign cyst. I had a mastectomy and reconstruction. This event is what I still deal with today. At the time, I was in the process of losing my husband of 30 years to another woman. I remember thinking very little of the surgery, treatments, etc. because all I cared about was saving my marriage. Well, the marriage was eventually lost but I've had a real awakening about the loss of my breast and the cancer...all these years later because I've never dealt with it at all. It's so important to deal with one's deep feelings about such losses in any health matter to be able to heal and move forward. Five years later and I'm missing my breast for the first time really, crying in the mirror and all of that...rather a delayed response! But I know that will also change my life and strengthen me eventually. So much to learn in life!

Dancer
My surgeon was so unhappy that he had caused this...I felt that wheras I had the trauma he had to continue to exam people and he too was damaged by the mistake.I totally forgave him in fact did not for one moment feel wronged.That was when I knew how strong spritualy I was.The 17 days that I was ill was a steep learning curve.
There is more to this story...10 years later I had to have the same procedure..a differnt doctor.I did not tell the nurses about my earlier exam.The doctor I had knew and moved heaven and earth to help me.For five years I went each year and still have residue problems which will exist as long as I live.Apart from that I suffer pain from erosive arthritis but do my best.Thank you for asking.
I did not have a white light time..but a cross roads experience(motphine I think) where I chose to live when it would have been easier to give in.I had so much to live for.
Mountain ash

Ladyjane..thank you. I am totally humbled and overwhelmed by your story.. I can´t begin to imagine the strength you have. And I know that you didn´t write to get this kind of reponse..but I want to give it anyway...

Mountain Ash..all of you..the strength and persevernce of mankind..womankind..thank you.

Mountain Ash, I also felt the choice! I feel very badly for your pain and I work with the Chronic Pain Foundation. (American Pain Foundation.) Are you treated for the pain, Mountain? If not, you don't have to be in pain! Pain is so unhealthy for you in so many ways!
Are you in pain? Do you take something for it?

I'm sorry for your pain and I'm concerned. Please let me know if you live in pain?

Warm regards,
Dancer9

lady Jane, I am amazed. You have come through SO much! You are still coming through it, I see. I could FEEL what you had been through and I felt so bad! I'm so sorry for what has happened to you! You are so, so strong to have come back from that stroke and remind me what a human being can do with their will and belief!
Thank you so, so much for telling your story. I would love to hear more about it. I found it so very compelling and moving!
Again, what can I say? I am amazed at what you have survived and I admire you greatly.
You must have "shaman," status now, certainly!

Thank you so much for sharing. I would, as I said, love to hear any more you might share about your experience. It was so very motivating.

dancer9

I felt that option both times.
dancer9

ladyJane
how truly moving I am glad Dancer started this thread.
Mountain ash

Dancer
To complicate matters I cannot take pain killers.I took anaphylaxis from medication.I do use a TENS machine.Hot wax on my hands.I meditate pray and write away some of the pain.
Mountain ash

I appreciate some of the members of the forum may not be comfortable with this profound topic.
Dancer seems to post topics I find helpful and theraputic.She has gracful manners maybe being a dancer it is in tandem with her skill.
Mountain ash

I'm open to talking more about it all....just ask any questions or anything you'd like me to elaborate on. I was diagnosed with Lupus (SLE) in 1988 and it's felt that was a contributing factor in the stroke because I have a history of blood clots...yuck. The super good news is that I'm also one of the rare people who have had less of the Lupus symptoms as I grow older. All I really have to do is watch my rest, making sure I'm good to myself in that way. So I've been really blessed in the fact that I have less and less of those. I feel better now than I have in years!

Each of you beautiful ladies has been through so much! But I'm sure each of you is now stronger and a better person as a result of the trials you've overcome. God bless each of you!

I faced a difficult situation (health crisis) which only brought me closer and deeper in my relationship with God. It made me search for His purpose in my life. Now I thank God for the way He's been leading me along the way. And I have been able to help others cope and have hope amidst their trials.

Difficulties, in whatever area they might come, tend to change us. In some cases, the turn if for the negative side, but in many cases, the change is a positive one.
Romans 8:28 is a promise I fully believe in!!!

Thank you, Mountain Ash, but perhaps I should have realized it could bring up some profoundly painful memories.
I'll have to be more careful in the future.

dancer

I'm so very sorry for your pain, Mountain Ash.
Please let me know if i can help with regard to
helping with ideas for the pain.
dancer

When I was 30, I was riding my bike when a truck ran a red light and plowed into me, knocking me and the bike into the air. For a long time after that, I was really angry about the a--hole who ran the light.

When I was 35, my fallopian tube exploded (tubal pregnancy) and I lost 1/3 of my body's blood supply within an hour. I remember seeing myself in the hospital room from above. I saw a turquoise light (further away than a white light? Don't know--) and just knew that I didn't want to go there. I was really angry for a long time about that accident, too. My doctor didn't understand because he said -- we didn't think you would live -- and I was angry about the pain.

When I was 48, I got breast cancer. I was seriously depressed during 11 months of treatment and close to suicidal. At least I wasn't angry.

For whatever it's worth, I think that (for me at least) depression was easier to get over than anger. This, of course, assuming that one doesn't succeed in killing oneself first.

How did it change me? Well, I'm not as angry... And I can "see" a little more than I used to.

And I finally got off my ass and reclaimed the life that I had abandoned.

I just edited a book for a truly beautiful woman who has lived her entire life close to death and when returning the manuscript I also enclosed some bookmarks I get from Dotsie and a little introduction to this site and the marvelous women here. I hope when she gets it, she will stop by. She can teach us so much and also learn from some of you. Her name is Mimi...her story is an amazing one.

I started this thread for help to cope but did not tell my story...
It started about three years ago. I was dancing and at the top of my game still. I had gone to doctors for years telling them about a severe pain in my neck. Because I was a headliner and I was in perfect shape, they examined me and let me go, telling me to take Motrin in large amounts but it had stopped working years earlier.
Finally, I fell while dancing and landed on that place in my neck...
It took me three DX's to finally talk a doctor into giving me and MRI on the area. During this time I was loosing what I can call my "life force," or everything was shutting down. I was unable to walk more and more, breathing was hard,and my pain increased to me lying on the floor and sobbing at times. I was ready to let it all go.

The MRI revealed long term stenosis which was severe enough to be affecting my spinal cord and my nerves. I was told to put on a hard brace and not to leave my home until surgery. The doctor who had put off an MRI called me with the results and was crying and apoligizing. I put him on speaker so my husband could here what the MRI revealed as well.
It became a game of "save the dancer." I got the best surgeon in the city because there was an article done about my case and asking doctors to "step up to the plate and help _____________." One did and I had my surgery. I had my spinal cord freed and I was given metal in my neck.
I am alergic to metal which I told this surgeon when he proposed the sugery. I do not have pierced ears and cannot wear a wedding ring even if it is platinum. Still, he had but in Titanium and said no one was allergic to it.
Soon my body started to reject the metal and I became very, very ill. I was medicated with Fentenal patches for the extreme pain they said I would be left with. After awhile, the metal started to buckle in my neck and I was home, on floors, dragging myself about and nodding in and out of knowing what was going on. My internist tried more pain relief but I told them I was dying and I knew it.
Finally, after some months, the surgeon had another article appear about my plight. His rep was on the line and he called me in for another MRI.
My next surgery to remove the metal was the next day in the early AM. He removed the metal and my neck stopped collapsing. I stopped dying but I was very week from the two major surgeries. I am 5'8" and I weighed about 100lbs. I could not hold food down and I was reacting badly to the patches. I went to the specialist that everyone said was the definative word on what happened to me and he told me that "they did surgery soon enough to save your life, but not your arm, or your pain." What had happened is that my spinal cord had been compromised and I had a deficit forever in my left arm. It was weak and would stay so.

A couple months after this surgery, I had an infection. It turned out to be a gland in my neck that might have been injured during the long surgeries on my neck. I was told it had to be removed so I prepared to have yet another doctor cut my throat. It had been about 14 months so far, and I had two surgeries already so I had not recovered.
I had that gland out as I was disappearing and trying to learn to control my new Chronic pain.
Four months later I had another infection in the same place. I learned after another MRI that the gland had only partially been removed.
I went in for another surgeon to cut my throat and take the REST of the gland out. By this time the scar tissue on my neck was a real problem. I had one of the best surgeons in the city do it and what was a 45 min. operation took 4 hours as he peeled back my skin's layers and avoided the nerves to my smile, my vocal cords, etc...

And so I was left to learn to control the extreme pain and to heal. The months between surgeries I drifted in and out. Although they wanted to hospitalize me I decided to stay at home because according to them, I was fine after the first surgery! I drifted in and out as my family moved about me scared to death and started to talk away from me and whisper. I was alone by that time facing my body feeling like it was dying with no explanation to take to my family or a doctor.
It took my husband hitting rage to get me in to have the second MRI that saved my life. I would have been left there on floors and in beds to let my spinal cord collapse at the neck level.

It has been a little over a year since this happened. I am now dancing some and trying to heal. My emotions have not yet settled but I am trying. I felt rage, very depressed, sad, alone for the first time since I was on stage all of my life, I felt helpless.
I know I do not hold back now, not ever. I do not know what I will be like when the whole thing settles in my mind and for that matter, my body.

This is why I asked the question. I spent a long time in between life and death as my spinal cord took damage. Many things changed inside me. I'm not done though.

I thank you all for answering my question and all of you helped me so very much. I know it was a hard subject but you stood up and answered it like the strong women you are. You've no idea how much your answers have helped me. I am just so grateful.

I didn't think my story was all that interesting and I didn't want to lay it all out and focus on me. I guess I should have told it earlier.

Thank you for reading.I'm sorry for the typos and for the grammar mistakes. I am severly dyslexic and was exhausted after writing this so did not re-read it.

dancer9

Its your turn..dancer

Thank you, Mountain.
D.

meredithbead,
Your last line about finally getting the life you wanted, interested me very much.
If you are able, and don't mind, could you tell me a bit abotu it? You don't have to and I understand if you don't but I thought I'd ask.
I am in a place that sort of feels like that so I noticed that line right away.
dancer

To all: I am not finished with the process of dealing with what happened to me and coming to terms with it, so I should say that. I am not that far post-opt so I am still "waking up," and realizing I am not going to die yet.
I wanted to mention that.
D.

Dancer,

Reading your last story was hard for me, because I can't comprehend that much pain. It literally hurt to read of your pain -- I, who was hit bodily by a truck, who almost died, who had cancer. I who lose ~5 days per month due to migraines (and for the record, I'm on my 2nd full day in a row now, which is when the depression kicks in and I start thinking about "If I died, at least maybe the pain would go away.") And even through this pain, I realize that my stuff pales in comparison to yours -- not that either of us really wants a contest.

I didn't say "the life I wanted." I said "reclaimed the life that I had abandoned." Two very different things. You see, when I hit my mid-20's, I ran away from everything I was. Ran away from the achievements that I thought everyone else made too much of. Ran away from the no-achieving people who lived vicariously through me and pretended to be my friend.

I was used to being the lone wolf, and didn't like being on top of everyone's radar screen. So I ran away. Stopped being me. And alternated between anger and depression for many years.

The cancer was my 4th "there but for the grace of God ... could died" gig. And I realized it was time to stop running.

If you have time, read some of the essays on my writing website http://www.meredithlaskow.com which might explain more.

I too felt your post deeply moving.
I will process and answer later.Sometimes this universe stops what we want to do for our greater good.
I have another part of my life I have not shared(As many others ill have too)I am not ready to share this .Nor do I know if this is the right place.
I admire your courage dancer and sensed from the start of your posts a strong woman.Let the lovely people here help you..as you help others being here.
mountaina sh

Meredithbead,
Thank you for the reply and thank you for your compassion. I will say that my life in that time was terrifying. I appeciate that you could feel that.
I think I understand very well what you are saying about turning your back on your potential some years ago. It must have been so strong as to scare you? I' sorry for that.
But...you've started to accept your abilities now you said?
In what areas can I ask have you opened yourself to being gifted as you always were?
I'm so pleased for you. I'm happy to hear the lightness in your tone as you talk about opening up to your talents and specialness! I'd love to hear about that too.

I, too, have run from some things. As strong of a career as I have had, I've turned down some pretty profound offers and things I could do that would be big. I am ready too to stop stopping myself. I hope I can clear the way emotionally for myself so I can bite into life fully.
I know you understand what I mean.
No time like the present, right?
This forum helps me to remember not to sabotage my life and to take from it all that it offers.

Thank you so much for your post!
dancer9

Dancer the womans book I just edited and did a lot of rewriting for her sounds similar to your story. You need to write a book about your ordeal and help others to see that there is life after near death, and such intense suffering.
I so admire women like you and Meredith so much. I am such a coward when it comes to pain, and proceedures and I fear them so much...

I will take that deal, Chatty. And when I do,I will have gotten to know a certain ghost writer who is great, and who lives fairly close to me, in Vegas!
You are a wonderful person yourself, Chatty.
dancer

I just read this entire thread and had to sit back and take a deep breath and pause. I have nothing to say. I just want to acknowledge that I admire all you women who so strong.

Thank you all for sharing.

There is so much to respond to. You've all written about intense trauma. Songbird wrote "which only brought me closer and deeper in my relationship with God. It made me search for His purpose in my life." I always thought it was about searching for my purpose in God's life, or why does God want me here? I need to mull over His purpose in my life. I attempted suicide several times as a teen, but the worst attempt I was 25, and I did have a near death experience. My deceased father whispered to me, "No Lynn, not this way." For the next decades, I went through a mind, body, spirit transformation. When I was 48, I had breast cancer, discovered much the same way Lady Jane describes. It was not the initial lump that was concerning, it was the nest of lumps behind the initial lump, which could only be seen via ultra sound. I had six months to do something or it would be too late. Doing something meant bilateral mastectomies and chemotherapy. Chemo and therapy are contradictions in terms. Like Meredith, migraines were the plague of my existence. 60 days a year bedridden. Like Meredith, I many times thought that if I was dead, the pain would stop. With chemo, the migraines were so fierce I was hospitalized and on steroids to stop the migraines. The irony is that 23 years after my last suicide attempt, I was fighting for my life. Chatty, you are one of the strongest women I have ever "met." You are in no way a coward, considering some of the circumstances you have had to endure. Dancer, I too find ways to "sabatoge my life" as you put it, and that is something I am working on in my new life since cancer. I take a long time to make changes. I do not open to whatever talents and specialness I might have. I'd like to know how to do that. Mountain, I can sense some pretty deep pain, and I'm sorry for everything you had to endure. Same to all of you who have experienced trauma and pain. Life is for the learning, I think

Princess Lenora,
Your post was so moving and heart-wrenching. Thank you for sharing. It was so honest and deep, I admire your words.

I should comment that I've found that anything I have sabotaged has been something I've really not wanted to do. If my heart was not in it but it seemed like an amazing chance, I'd sabotage it to get out of it, if that makes any sense.
I am fearless when my heart is in it. I soared right into working with people like WAR and BBKING, and many others when I was only in my twenties. I had no fear when doing that. I only feel fear when I feel that someone else is "driving my bus," or that I am being lead down a path I don't want to take.

I hope you, too, are fearless and be what you want to be, shining brightly! You've certainly gotten to know yourself well.

Again, I admire your deep reaching post. Thank you for answering.

dancer9

All of you beautiful ladies are to be admired for your strength. I'm in awe.

My life changed when I knew I was going to drown while trying to escape my abusive husband. It was my wake up call, which was needed! Something needed to jolt me out of my denial.

Whenever I start to whine "why me" I really do ask "why not me." Is it true that noone really escapes trials and tribulations and trauma?

I try not to do the "why me? whine" either. Everyone has their issues. The older we get, the more likely it is that we lived some kind of trauma, whether a one-time event or ongoing pain. Last week's migraine went for 5 days, and I barfed blood on the 4th. Definitely not a good thing, and I went to the doctor Monday. Seems I ruptured a blood vessel from too much upchuck. And now I'm fine, and life is fine. You do what ya gotta do and go on. At least I'm grateful that I have good days in between the crappy ones.

Dancer, my life has changed a lot since my 20's. Our past of course influences how we arrived at the places leading to today, but I don't define myself by yesterday.

I look forward, and I see the Path.

Oh Meredith, OUCH! That had to be just awful. Been there so I know how awful it is...not the blood part though.

Dianne, this was the first time I ever barfed blood, and it was a fair quantity and a little scary. My doctor suggested that I go in for an EGB (esophogal gastro buobenoscopy) to make sure that there's no internal damage, although I'm thinking that probably I'm OK as I've felt fine since then -- if there was damage, then I'd still be having problems, right?

Meredith
the fact you asked us means you should go for the check up.
I know you are busy but go just to be reassured.
A tip...slippery elm as a drink.I use this (for the other end!!!)
Love
Mountain ash

Meredith,
Since you aren't sure you are alright, that worries me.
Do you think you should be seen by a doctor be be sure?
It could be broken blood vessels if you were throwing up, but who knows?
dancer

In my gut (both literally and figuratively) I feel that I'm fine. When something is wrong, the hairs on my arms usually stand up.

I think my rhetorical question was more a point of my reassuring everyone else. I did promise the doctor that if there was any more blood, anywhere, I'd ASAP to the emergency room.

Meredith, have you found what causes the migraines? Mine are brought on by barometric pressure so there is nothing I can do but move someplace where the weather never changes.

Dianne, I'm not sure that place exists.

There are three main reasons for my migraines:
1. not enough sleep. This is usually on weekends when I have to wake up too early to sell at a craft fair. Going to bed earlier doesn't help, because I'm a night person and just won't fall asleep. If the weather is cool, then I usually can control the migraine with drugs. If hot, I'm SOL.
2. too hot. This is both weather, and too much exertion. If my body gets overheated to a certain point, my head "explodes" and there's no going back. Because of this, I cut out most of my summer craft shows, and won't hike in the summer unless I'm somewhere cool.
3. degenerative arthritis in my neck. I stretch and use a variety of creams, but it doesn't always work. Somedays I wake up with this, and again -- SOL.

Migraines are such a b-tch. It's like flushing large chunks of life down the toilet. Then, other people deal with other nasty issues. Ya just do your best.

I call migraine days, lost days, because that's exactly what happens. My hubby can tell just by looking at me because I get those migraine eyes.

I hate to say this because it might break the spell but it's been a long time since my botox injections but I haven't had another migraine yet. Maybe it did something permanent? Would that be great or what?

Could they do surgery on your neck?

Hmmm, Dianne....maybe it took that part of your brain and froze it solid....thus no migraines!! hehehehe Hey....you may be on to something here....a modern medical miracle! You'll be rich and famous! Have you ever considered that Sammie's squawk may be doing you in? I'm sure that happens here.
Seriously, I had migraines through what I call my "lupus years"...when the disease was really bad in the late 80's and 90's. Horrible. But as I've aged, it's happened less and less, thankfully.

neck surgery is a MAJOR undertaking, cutting into the spinal cord. If it goes wrong, you can be paralyzed for life.

I wouldn't do that unless all other options were exhausted.

ALL options were exhausted...
my cord was being injured, I was loosing my ability to breathe, walk, talk, stand, and move. I was in the type of pain they call "end stage cancer pain," and it was surgery to save my life, twice. The first surgery collapsed.

You don't know fear until you put your neck on the table for someone you don't know to cut it.

They saved my life, but the pain stayed and one arm is very weak. I have some spinal cord issues because of the pain but I was very lucky to have survived at all. I would not have even made it to the level Christopher Reeves did.

dancer

My sister had to perform the heimlich maneuver on me twice for one piece of dry meatloaf. The first time did not work. The meat flew 15 feet. I was in my early 20's.

It change my life in such a way that I cannot eat meat alone...especially meatloaf. Plus, if ANYTHING gets stuck in my throat, I start to panic. Even a pill.

However, I have made strides in this as well. I can now take pills..with LOTS of liquids.

VERY scary and I am indebted to my sister for my life.

Dancer, I can't even imagine the fear. To have no other options like that. I'm glad you survived but know that it hasn't been an easy journey.

I almost feel like driving out to Arizona just to give you a big hug. But I'm kind of a big brute anyhow so maybe we're better off cyber
(((((( D A N C E R ))))))

Thank you so much, Meredith. I am on a slow climb up and out of all of it. It's not easy, it just isn't.
dancer

I can't imagine any of you suffering like you do and all I can say is how sorry I am for you.

Di how interesting that you feel as you do.Its down to you amygdala.
The amygdala (an almond shaped part of our brain )is involved in computing the emotional significance of events, and recent research indicates it is responsible for the influence of emotion on perception .So Di. not eating alone is a protection that allows you to feel safe.
Some one close had a stroke as he was washing.He felt afraid of the sink and gently had to regain confidence.Another man ate a scone the evening before having appendicitis and 20 years later won't eat a scone.The aversion to things helps us survive.If spoiling our quality of life psycologists can use tactics to help us.
Mountain ash

goodness iv just read all of this and had so manie responces along the way, both of things i could chip in to say and in responces to what a lot of you ladies have gone through and gotten over after some time. i am proud of ya all.

after a car crash i had and have trouble with car/lorrie lights in winter time. Think it was to do with the fact of a lorrie bearring dowen on my wee snmall car. It missed swasing me flat by inchess, i was in shock and sat their swished up in a car that weels wouldn't turn for a while before some other lorrie stopped and moved the car off the middle of the duel carrige (intersection) as mountain pointed out its that part of the barin that sauying stay away from ths situasions for you owen good. it dose interfear with my driving and even when i am a pedestriane. still i know what my braines doing so some cognitive work, ok ok talking to myself helps. i had PTSD after the crash and some worsening back sholder and hip problems. i take painkillers and just started some more physio, i got fibromyalgia couse of it or some ongoing emotional strain in my life.
anyhow, the other bit of it was i heard voices in my head telling me to slow dowen, i did but wondered ya know the whole hearring voices bit lol, the slowing definatlie saved my life, it could all have been worse. So maybee shock, maybee nerves but the world seemed calmer and stiller imidiatlie afterward. All i could say was well thank god i am alive....i did think god or some forces was talking to me then gave me a big big big hug to keep me calm after it......meridith i so get the bit of being in pain to a high degree weer one wonders if it be better off dead so the pain wonld't be their. I never do that now but i so much get that level of pain. there that my wee bit added.

i still wqalking away from this thread feeling a bit humbler,so thanks ladies. gonna go sort out lucien now.