Oh I'm so grateful for this forum...you are all so wise, so kind....please give me a hug, I really need one...

I'm in the middle of lots of changes to my circumstances, lots of emotional stress, and now my whole faith is being rocked. I currently go to a church which is fairly strict, (KJV only, wine is a sin, every other religion/denomination is wrong, etc, etc) and to be honest, I'm exhausted.

Every time I read my bible (gone back to my NIV for simplicity of reading), I just keep seeing the differences between my current church's doctrines and the ones I used to go along with (spiritual gifts, healing, tongues, etc). I don't know what/who to believe anymore...everyone has a strong opinion/set of beliefs and I have no idea what I believe myself. I feel so confused...like I'm back at the start of my faith, if you know what I mean. I feel like screaming!

My daughter has been going through some problems recently and she is going to be going to a women's retreat weekend soon for some time-out and pampering. I'm so glad for her...she deserves and needs it...but I wish it was me going! I wouldn't suggest joining her because she really needs to get away on her own...but I feel like I'm on the edge.

My dearest hubby is in the middle of a huge change of circumstance workwise and is absolutely absorbed in it.

My Mom is recovering from a major illness.

I'll just keep praying and hugging the dog I guess!!

Thanks for letting me vent off...you're the best!

((((((((((((Countrygirl))))))))))) consider yourself hugged! If I were there I'd hug you snf hug you!! This is so weird. I just went to the other thread we've been talking in and asked if you ever struggled spiritually when all that happened before and then I clicked here and I find you are struggling very much. Oh my heart goes out to you! I actually felt anger welling up in me when I read your post. Been there, done that and NEVER again! I cannot stand extreme fundamentalism and it feels good to even type it because 6 years ago I would have feared that I would have been swallowed up by fire...yeah, no kidding. You have CHOICES!!!! At first when I stopped going to church I struggled with intense guilt. As time went on, I just wandered awhile. In the past year I've found myself walking closer to God again but really thinking through the things that were beat into my head and heart and the things that I know in my gut are the real truths. You need some time to discover those truths also and get away from the tyranny that you're under. I hope I don't offend you or anyone else but the KJV-only crowd are hard headed, cold hearted and love to CONTROL. I will NEVER be controlled again and it makes me sooooo angry to see you under this bondage they have you in. Your heart is telling you otherwise and that could be one reason you're feeling so confused and unsettled. Pray about it. God is the only one you need to be concerned with....no other human should EVER tell you what you need to think or believe. I have a hunch that my last statement will make you uneasy because of where you're at and what has been drilled into you. I've had to walk this walk, too and it's been quite a jouney out of it but my heart is settling and I'm finally walking toward what my heart, soul and mind know to be more truthful. Phewwww!!!! That felt good!

Hmmm....wonder what I meant by "snf"???? Actually I meant AND...LOLOL...It just hit such a nerve I could barely type. Please take care and feel free to PM me if you need.

And you WILL be exhausted in all of that....it has a way of getting you finally and you begin to struggle and question yourself. This may be GOOD! Okay, I'll shut up now. But know that I feel close to you right this minute and am praying for you in the purest most sincere sense.

Yes you are hugged.
Mountain ash

I've been there too. I believe if a church feels they are the only one, something is very wrong. I know they confusion because I had it too. I just prayed and received what my spirit got from reading the Bible. I will never allow a sinful (ordinary) person tell me how to live my life again.

Amen

I too know the agony of crisis of faith. My faith journey has been through its own share of dark nights of the soul. And the deeper I go into God, the more questions I need to ask - always more questions than answers.

But the one thing that keeps me going is my experience of mercy...I hit rock bottom and should not have survived, but while I was unconscious (and everyone else around me was fighting for my life) I had a dream where Jesus held me in His arms and rocked me for what I can only describe as "an eternity's worth of time", saying over and over again, "I love you and I understand". Then at the end of the dream He said "Now it's time to give you back to the people who will love you back to life".

That was 23 years ago and the experience of that tender love and mercy continues to impact me - and is at the root of my own profound conviction that He loves us infinitely more than we can ever imagine and is on our side, rooting us on, filling our lives with the resources, wisdom and people we need to help us through whatever dark patches of life we're traveling through.

I think that if our faith is going to be authentic and dynamic enough to sustain us, we each have to dare to search within that dark night of the soul for who this God really wants to be for us...and allow ourselves to be pleasantly surprised (perhaps even delighted) by what we discover!

And it's my own opinion that anything or anyone that leads us to doubt that we are loved isn't leading us to God.

I too send you hugs and prayers, and hope that our love and support will help "love you back to life" too!

Oh girls, thank you all SO much...I'm crying as I type this...it feels like such a relief to be told it's ok to feel the way I'm feeling and you are all soo loving and kind...you don't even know me and yet you have given me so much encouragement...thank you with all my heart. xxx

Ladyjane, you are so right...I do feel anxious about breaking away...I guess I'm not confident in my own beliefs...ugh, it feels like I've been brainwashed or something. Thank you so much for your loving comments and encouragement. xxx

Eagle, you're as tender as ever and I so appreciate your words. And so right! Anything or anyone who makes us fearful, guilty or anxious is not of the true God. I personally believe that He can speak to us and help us recognize when something is wrong within us, but so much in a merciful, teaching way, not in anger and damnation. To me, the best church (and they are out there) are the grace churches. They teach about love, mercy, forgiveness and God's grace above all things. Some days I can't believe I was in that dark, guilt-ridden cycle for so long. And what's worse for me is that I taught it. And that is perhaps the hardest thing for me to deal with. God have mercy on me!

My sweet Countrygirl, you have, indeed, been brainwashed. It is what it is. Asking God to open your heart to the things that are truly of Him will begin to open that wonderful door. Be kind, forgiving and generous to yourself for awhile. He doesn't run away, even if we do for awhile.

I wish it was that easy...we are on every single rota!! We are signed up for eternity, LOL!

Hubby and I are going to visit an Elim church (have you heard of Elim?)on Sunday evening (our church no longer has eve services due to poor attendance). We are trying not to just go by our 'feelings' but to see if God wants us there.

It would be so great to take some 'time-out' for God to sort out our brains!

I have heard of Elim and you never know until you try...it may be something a little more low key in the sense that you won't feel so battered. I'm just a little raw still, I guess. I was even shocked at myself how this subject made these feelings surface from my toes! I've learned something else about myself today with that. Is your husband going through some of this also? If he is, then you have an ally in your search. If he isn't then it would create some conflict or at least tension I would think. I do hope you find what you're searching for. Mine has been a long, drawn out journey but I've learned so much. In the meantime, and aside from all the church stuff, it sounds like you're going through an awful lot of stress in other areas. It seems they can all come at once. I pray for your coping abilities and good, restful sleep!

Countrygirl, do you know what you are doing? You are using the common sense that God has given you. Not some priest or man-made church has given you these brains to doubt and to question; but God. These God given instincts are there to help you find your own way.

I can only imagine how overpowering such churches and their rules are. You must be an intelligent women to not just succumb because you have been told to do so. I applaud you and have the greatest respect for anyone who “questions”.

If you can, try to take a break from all churches, retreats, preaching and soul searching. Just live, smell the flowers and give your brain and heart a rest.

I had an extremely strict Catholic upbringing. I left the church to find peace in nature. I believe that living our lives to the fullest and appreciating the gift of life within itself is the best thing we can do.

Imagine you give a child a present. And the child keeps questioning if he is worthy of it. Wouldn’t that upset you? Seeing the child cherish and enjoy the gift is what you had wished.

And so I have found an inner peace. I have stopped questioning man-made religious institutions or teachings. I simply believe what my instincts tell me. I believe in God and the power of nature. I cherish and am thankful to God for the gift of life; my life, within this vast incompressible universe, that I, as a simple human being, not even dare try to understand.

Yes..don´t be afraid of the dark nights of your soul..thank you, Eagleheart..I like that expression better than "the black hole"..eventho at times perhaps it does feel more like a "black hole" with all the pain and feelings of anxiety and panic. In either case, countrygirl..sending you lots of big warm bear hugs from Sweden and hoping that you will not be afraid or hesitant to look within yourself.. because you´ll find your answers there, I am sure..in your stillness and in your caring and loving of yourself. Good luck!!!

Hannelore, thank you. I loved your example of giving a child a present...that made so much sense to me. I wish I could just break away from church, even for a while but there is a scripture that talks about not giving up meeting together as some are...I took a 4 year break from church a while back and it just didn't feel right...

I know I can't go on the way I am though...

Ladyjane, my hubby feels the same as me thankfully. He is a relatively new Christian so-to-speak so I have to be careful not to sway his mind in any particular direction!

Plus I feel responsible for the spiritual lives of my kids...I want to make sure I'm guiding them down the right path. (yeah I know, they are 18 and 15...not little kids...but still...)

Thank you humlan, xx

Humlan, I so love to hear your voice here!

thanks, Eagleheart.. that meant very much.