Sounds like the shadow of your mother is getting in-between you and your sisters since you feel she treats you like a the princess that made it.

I'm not suggesting that everything is fantastic with my sisters. Of course, we have occasional spats...but for past few decades, it's pretty minor. And I so seldom see them now since I've moved to a different province.

The childhood-teenage hood-etc. friend that I mentioned earlier....we drifted apart after she divorced. I found it difficult to support her "side" for her marriage breakdown since she was accelerating in her career, but her house husband, a nice guy who became a stay-at-home daddy for a few years...was floundering. She just didn't understand why his ego was falling abit, etc. This was among other things, plus her big buy-in suppport of the pharma giants.

Yea, sometimes I'm an idealist.
It was an unusual but excellent 20-yr. long friendship for all those years, dancer. I was a brainy geeky, ugly duckling (I took prescribed tetracycline for bad acne) that loved books, art and more solitary activities and she was attractive, smart, generous, etc. Yes, she was even a cheerleader (and married a star football player and wrestler). She came from a white, middle-class family where home was beautifully decorated, her mother kept herself beautiful. But behind that veneer was a wild adopted brother who got into trouble with some minor crime, etc. She had 2 sisters who did do some minor modelling. Both were great women. I just found out 1 of her sisters died of breast cancer...at age 50.

I was from a poor family where nothing matched at home and my mother was exhausting herself as a full-time housewife for a big family.

We found each other's world abit interesting.

Knowing her, gave me a step into another world, other circles of (more distant) friends which were her friends similar to her. But it wasn't a world I felt totally at ease, so I never penetrated it for a long time in my teens.

I think our friendship became deep because each of us were willing to move in and out from each other's world to learn more about ..each other.


I also found out via her, how some attractive but quite intelligent women are treated by others, which wasn't always positive /morally uplifting. It only confirmed for me, that it's just an incredible waste of time to steer one's behaviour towards others based on another's person's outside visage / skin colour /etc.

So much good, potential talent and skill, is then overlooked.

Though the friendship is lost now, we probably left a small imprint on each other forever in a way, that made myself and her, better individuals. (Geez, this sounds like a sad soliloquy.)

I'm certain quite a numnber of other women here, would not be intimidated by you...since many are accomplished themselves...but come from very different walks of life.

Dancer,

This quote came to my mind...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we subconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Marianne Williamson from A Return to Love

We can never truly be less than we are...the truth of us always shines through in some way...relish yourself...your beauty...and your talents...it's just who you are!

I have had this same problem for years. I'm outgoing and have a lot of accomplishments, which I worked my fanny off for.

This is what I did. I try to associate with women who are more successful than me (not hard to find!) so I don't have to deal with the immaturity that brings about intimidation. I don't want to "hang" with a woman who can be intimidated by any woman. It's silly. I'd raise my bar with new girlfriends if I were you. Life is too short.

I am going to put my 2 bits in..but from another point of view. I get hurt because I DON´T show my "me". When I want to make a point and perhaps be quite definite about it, I find myself instantly showered with inner questions like: how can you be sure that you are right?; there are always other ways of looking at things; well, she/he is young and they have a right to his or hers black and white way of seeing things or they haven´t got that much experience yet, etc etc. These inner questions make even tongue tied sometimes and I almost stutter when I talk. My 17 yr old son can comment on this and say, "Mom, I hate when you start talking like that. Just get it out. Tell me what you want to tell me. I can take it." I don´t think I was like this when I was younger. I have become like this in my later years. I am 60 now. I have done some very stupid and hurtful things in my life that have humbled me quite alot. I am not that sure of how things should be anymore. But I do want to be able to give a clear impression of myself because I do think about things alot. I have been thru alot, too. I guess the toughest was the death of my little girl.

ANYWAY..Dancer and Orchid..you seem to be strong women that can show the world that you ARE strong. Maybe I am asking you..what is your secret. How do you do it? How do quiet all the questions that one has about life after living it for quite sometime. Or don´t you have so many questions? My partner asked me recently.."Why do you surrender/back off/give up? You are right practically all the time..and yet you relent. Why?" This question had to do with my job situation. I work with kids and my collegues are a little over 20 yrs old with no formal education in the field and no children or relationships of their own..yet. I have worked with kids since 1973. Have 5 of my own and have studied psychology. Having lost my little girl..well, it have given me another way to look at children and life..and yet I back down and get all broken up when we have word battles at work about how to deal with our problem children.

I would sooo like to be able to project my "wisdom" won by pain, joy and experience with a kind of certainty. You women seem to have that. I don´t want to close the door to my young colleagues..because their youth has alot to offer me and the kids we work with. But sometimes when I back down, I even feel that I am letting the kids down. They deserve what I sincerely believe they need.

This thought can also be carried over to my own kids who are now adults and 2 of them have families of their own. They need a mother who can set boundaries for herself an others..and who knows what she wants and doesn´t want. I think they need this. But then the inner questions come up..2 of my kids (ages 27 and 31)have been in therapy since I divorced their father in the year 2000. They are very very critical of me and their father. I have allowed them to be so, thinking they needed to get it all out..but am now finding that enough is enough.

I am continuing here because of the time thing...

I am wracked with guilt feelings when I say NO to my adult kids. When I don´t have the time or perhaps energy to take care of my grandkids when my daughter (single mother of 3 kids) asks for help..or money. I am sticking to my guns now..but the guilt feelings and uncertainty is quite difficult at times.

SOOO..how do you do it? How do you quiet the inner chatter?? I do yoga everyday.helps me alot, yes..but you women seem to do more..be "more" on the outside, as you say. I read about the spiritual meaning of yoga and buddhism..it helps very very much..I do affirmations..but what is that you got that I ain´t got? And how do I go about getting it???

If you have gotten this far..then thank you!!!!

Humlan, You said, "enough is enough." From what you say, it is enough!
I have always been how I am now. I was born this way, I guess.
I have had extensive therapy though. I've the idea that if you try once to STICK TO YOUR IDEA of what is right, practise makes perfect! Why not try to stick to your guns and take the risk? What do you have to loose? Maybe those who disrespect you will be upset, even leave your life, but do you need those who disrespect you in your life?

It is not easy, I think, to stick to your guns about your feelings and beliefs. However, our feelings, our heart, is what makes us who we are and separates us from others. Our heart is our voice, our real voice.

Have heart! Yes, our minds are needed by if we stick to what our heart says, we will learn more, meet more interesting people and have a life that is lived from our center.

My mother never told me what to do. She told me "Follow your heart," and I did. I made mistakes and I made good things too, like everyone else. But...I have no regrets, maybe because I followed my heart.

I do not know you, Humlan, but you seem like a soulful woman. You do yoga, you meditate, you are in touch with things others just don't bother reaching for. All that is left is for you to follow those things that come to you in your meditation!

I hope this makes sense. I don't know what you job is, so I can't say what is happening there. I am only getting to know you, so I can't give good ideas about what you can do until I know more about you.

But if your child is disrespecting you, it is my opinion that it has to stop. I have two sons who went through periods of growing pains and became short with me. I refused to take part in their lives at those times and let them make their own mistakes. If they did not want my advise, I did not give it. I back up and lived my own life. Sure enough, they came back to me and did need advise.

Kids are like toddlers all their lives:
They run ahead and do all they can do and when they get scared they come running back for your help and to feel safe. Let them run and when they find life is too hard on their own, cutting you out, they will return if you do not engage in any petty fighting and games they want to play.

Then again, Humlan, I'm an Italian/French mother, I'm a bit stubborn.

dancer

Jane, thank you so much for that. It did strike at the heart of me.
It's time to do so, to let the light shine as bright as it can. There is nothing to stop me now and I guess I need to give myself permission to take the next step. It's a big one and I had an added problem: I had to face down death three years ago and have been recovering ever sense. This gives me a sense of urgency about needing to carry on with my life regardless of where it leads me.

It's now or never, Jane, and I am brave, if nothing else.

thank you so much for that quote.

dancer

You know, Orchid,I always found a beautiful brain a magical thing. I surrouond myself with those with great brains. My friends that have lasted are smart, smart people who developed their brain in a lasting way. I love it, I envy it at times, but most of all I sit back and admire it so long as they can accept me for what I do.

This is a true thing. I have always found a good brain the best thing about a person, it is what attracts me to a friend.

I'm strange like that. The dancer with the brainy friends, that's me.
dancer

Humlan...this may not make sense...but you have to give yourself permission to be right...and permission to be happy regardless of how others feel about you or your actions...at least that's my take on it...

Humlan, the younger people could gain a lot from your wisdom. You should share it!